From: miranda119@juno.com
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 20:17:52 GMT
Subject: Free by Miranda
Source: direct

Title:  Free
Author:  Miranda
Rating:  G
Category:  VA
Spoilers:  Closure
Summary:  The end of Mulder's quest to find his sister (from Scully's
perspective.) Disclaimer:  Chris Carter owns them.


I almost feel like she was my sister.

I'm sitting here in my apartment, and I feel absolutely drained.  Like
I have lost and found everything I have been searching for for the
last seven years.  Like truth has been revealed to me and there are no
more questions.  Tears are cascading down my cheeks.

I was trying to be strong.  Maybe he thought I was being cold, or
indifferent, or uncaring, but I wasn't.  I was trying to be strong. 
He has lost so much.  He has had to deal with the grief of his
mother's suicide and now the realization that Samantha is also dead. 
Killed at fourteen.  When I was fourteen the major concerns of my life
were getting rid of my braces and having slumber parties.  I never had
to feel unsafe.  I don't think I really understood that there were
kids that did.

Samantha did.  Hearing Mulder read her words from her diary, the shell
of my previously sheltered view of adolescence was snapped in two. 
She suffered things that a grown man should not have to suffer, let
alone a young girl.  I cannot comprehend it.  And the thought that
keeps running through my mind was that I didn't let Mulder know of my
empathy.  I must have sounded so detached.  So uninterested.  Here I
am, the closest person in the world to this man, the only one left
standing out of everyone he's ever loved in his life, and I didn't
even have the common decency to put my arms around him and tell him it
was okay?  What was I thinking?  I was so concerned with detaching
myself from the pain of what Samantha experienced that I failed to be
what Mulder needed me to be.

He deserves my apology.  He deserves another chance to talk about what
he's feeling.  I know he feels the wall I placed between us.  He
laughed almost in disbelief when I told him to get some sleep.  He was
pouring his heart out and I told him to get some sleep.

As I sit on end of the couch, my hands over my tearstained face, I
hear a knock at the door.  Considering it is one a.m. I can pretty
much guess who is there.  I answer the door as I wipe the tears
frantically away from my eyes.  As soon as he sees me, his face
registers concern.

"Scully, are you okay?"  His voice is gentle as he reaches and hand to
brush away a tear that I had missed.  I am so ashamed by his caring
reaction that I cannot help the fresh tears.

"Mulder, I'm so sorry!"  I whisper, walking into his open arms.  He
somewhat uncertainly takes me to the couch and we sit down.

"Scully, what is it?"  He asks again.  

"What she must have felt.  What she must have seen.  I can't imagine
being in her place.  I can't imagine being a child who experiences
these things.  It's not fair, Mulder.  It's not fair that Samantha
should have gone through that."

I imagine that I can see relief in his eyes.  His own eyes moisten and
he nods.  "I know." He whispers.

"What was she like?"  I ask after a moment's hesitation.  He looks at
me with inquisitive eyes.

"I realized tonight that I've spent the past seven years of my life
searching for a girl and I didn't even know what she was like."  

He pauses and sighs.  "She was....sensitive.  She used to hate it when
Mom and Dad fought.  She didn't like to see tv shows about animals who
died.  She would cry if she saw someone else cry.  She was quiet.  She
wasn't the popular outgoing type.  She was a little shy.  And she was
very pretty.  She had long dark hair and hazel eyes."

"Like yours?"  I smile.  He returns the smile and nods.

"Yeah. And she always wanted to pretend she was a doctor when we were
playing.  She liked taking care of people."

"Maybe she would have been an doctor." I muse aloud.  He nods once
again.

"I wouldn't have been surprised.  She loved horses, she loved reading,
she liked riding her bike.  She used to get so mad when I teased
her."

"What did you tease her about?"  

"Stupid stuff.  Her braces.  Her hair.  Her skinny legs.  I'd make fun
of her when she tried on mom's makeup or when she fell on her new
roller skates or when she tried to sing.  I made her cry quite a few
times.  But she tried to never let me see her sad.  She was too
stubborn to admit it bothered her."

We are quiet for a long time.

"I never got to tell her I was sorry for that."  His voice breaks as
he speaks.

"I think she knows."  I reply softly.  "Maybe that's part of why
finding her meant so much to you.  Because you wanted her to know how
you really felt."

"She never knew."

"You can tell me, Mulder."  My hand travels to his head, running my
fingers through his hair.  "I'll listen."

He looks at me with tearful eyes.  "Thank you.  Thank you for
understanding."

I nod and smile through my own tears.

"I'm sorry I never told her how proud I was of her for being so
strong.  That she never knew that I beat up a kid who I overheard
calling her a metalmouth.  That she was my best friend.  That I
watched her put up with so much from Mom and Dad and she was so
patient and so loving...."

His voice trails off and he sits pensively for a moment, staring off
into the distance.

"What?"  

"I never realized it before."  He shakes his head with a wondering
smile.  "Samantha was exactly like you."

I am taken aback by his words.  "Me?"

"Yes.  The same personality. The same gentle spirit."

I am speechless at his words.  

"And I've hurt you...just like I used to hurt her."

"And you've taken care of me just like you used to take care of her." 
I add.

He grabs my hands tightly.

"God took Samantha away from me, and then replaced her with you."

It wasn't until Mulder left this evening that I truly comprehended his
statement.  I have some important shoes to fill.  Samantha, wherever
you are, you have a brother who is so incredibly capable of love that
it's almost frightening.  He's been set free tonight.  He knows that
you are okay and that there is nothing more he needs to do for you. 
The only thing he will never be free of is his love for you.  Thank
you for letting him know.  Thank you for giving him the closure he has
needed for almost thirty years.

And thank you.  Thank you for showing me that life can still be
beautiful.  Despite all the tragedy and trial.  Thank you for your
spirit, which has caused me to love you though I have never met you. 
Thank you for your brother.  I will take care of him, as I know you
would ask me to if you could.

The End