From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 13 Jun 2002 19:26:41 -0000 Subject: Fruit Loops by Tony Blah Source: direct Reply To: 2for2bigmacs@excite.com Title: Fruit Loops (The Adventures of Mulder and Teddy) Author: Tony Blah Rating: NC-17 Keywords: slash Disclaimer: The show doesn't even exist anymore. What's left to disclaim? He who dares wins. I own everything. Take that, Carter! Summary: Mulder and Teddy have an adventure. Spoilers: none Feedback: yes please 2for2bigmacs@excite.com "Man, do I have the squirts today, " Mulder moaned, as he used up the whole roll of toilet paper. "I shouldn't have eaten all 10 of those bean burritos. I guess I should've saved one for Scully. Nah." So Teddy crawled out from below the sink, holding a Playgirl magazine, saying, "Good morning, Mulder. What's that delicious aroma?" "My diarrhea, you sick pig. It's my stomach, you asshole." "Hey, we're lovers. Lovers don't call lovers assholes. Now, let's hit the sack." "Faggot, " Mulder said, "I'm on the toilet. You can't BF me now, unless you want your dick covered in shit." "Yeah, and my ass is too tight," Teddy said as he burned another cigarette butt on it. Tsssss. "Ah, that feels goooood. On a more serious note, Mulder, Scully beeped me. Telling me that she's gonna be visiting her Aunt Camille in Jacksonville." "She could tell you that on your beeper??" Mulder asked. "Ah...shut up. I like my vibrating beeper!" Teddy snapped. "Oh ok," Mulder said, as he went to wipe his ass again. Only he didn't have any paper in his hand, and his shit got all over his hand, squishing between his fingers. "EEEEEEEeeeeewwww," Mulder said. "And to think I was gonna use toilet paper. Mmmmmmmmm," he brought his hand up to his mouth and licked all around his fingers. "This is some good shit. I think I'll put some into the freezer and make some shitsicles." Teddy ran up to Mulder's face and screamed, "There's no time!!....for shitsicles! We have to go to Jacksonville!!" "Why do we have to go to Jacksonville?" Mulder asked. "I want to make my shitsicles now!" "I want a vacation, Mulder. Time for a little fun in the sun. And Scully said she wanted you to come." "Why didn't she just call me?" Mulder asked. "Why would she beep you?? She doesn't even like you." "She's just jealous!" Teddy snapped. "Besides, she was just mad because we broke into her apartment to watch her shower and watch her boobs bounce. But now that she knows me, she loves me." "As do I, "Mulder said and rubbed Teddy's head. "OK, I'm gonna go pack for Jacksonville," Mulder said and got off of the toilet. It was overflowing with crap. A big lincoln log shit oozed down the side. Teddy got a spoon and slurped the shit all up like a stew. "Mmmm, mmm, now that's chunky," Teddy said with his Southern twang. ************************* "I'm sorry, sir, no cats are allowed on the airplane," the flight attendant said. "No problem," Mulder said, and dropped his pants. He activated his vacuum butt muscles and slurped Teddy up his ass. The flight attendant said, "that's better," and walked away. She was used to Mulder and Teddy's shenanigans. "Hey," a muffled voice called from inside Mulder. "Get me out of here! It's too hot and there isn't any shit left to eat to keep me cozy. Reeeeeeaaaaaahh." Mulder knew Teddy was angry if he said, "reaah". "It'll just be a little bit, Teddy. We'll be in Jacksonville in two hours." "I can't wait two hours!! Shit me out, right now!!" Teddy demanded. "No," Mulder said and started reading Playgirl. Teddy was pissed. He realized he would have to solve this himself. He went to Mulder's colon and forced it to fart. PPPPPPhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mulder's ass exploded, and Teddy came busting out (with a "ha") right through Mulder's pants, and then through the seat Mulder was on. He landed in the lap of an old lady. "Ah!! It's a woman!" Teddy screamed. "Death shall come for you soon, madam," Teddy said and hopped back up to the front seat. "Teddy, what am I gonna do? My pants have a big hole in them." "The easier for me to BF you with," Teddy said with a smile. A big, yellow, buttery smile. "Damn, " Mulder said, shielding his eyes from the rays of Teddy's teeth. "Don't you ever brush those things?" "Us Brits don't brush," Teddy announced. "But you're from Texas," Mulder said. "Oh, am I???" Teddy asked. ****************************** Mulder and Teddy were driving in their rental car. "Teddy, did we really have to rent the Oscar Meyer weiner mobile?" "Oh, didn't we?" Teddy asked. Teddy had been answering every question with a question and it was really starting to get on Mulder's nerves. Mulder sighed. "Ok, Teddy. So ,where does Aunt Camille live? "Teddy? Teddy?" Teddy wasn't answering. Mulder looked at the passenger seat, but Teddy wasn't there! He looked back out the windshield and saw Teddy at the tip of the weiner mobile, sticking it up his ass!! "Nooooooo!!" Mulder screamed. "Your tightness!! Don't destroy the tightness!" "Oh my God, what came over me! I'm just so horny!!" Teddy screamed. Then Mulder hopped onto the weiner too and started BFing with the car too. "Mulder, who's driving?" Teddy asked, right as they smashed into a Playgirl bus. ************************************** When Mulder and Teddy opened up their eyes, all they saw was a big dick. "Oh my," Teddy said, licking his corroded chops. Then he noticed the dick was attached to a playgirl model. "Hello," Teddy said and rubbed around his legs. Mulder was getting very jealous. "But Teddy! I thought you loved me!" "I did, Mulder, but that accident did a terrible thing to you..." "What?" Mulder asked very worried. "Your butt! It closed your hole!!" "Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" Mulder screamed. "I can get that fixed!" "It would never be the same," Teddy said. "Besides, I have a new man! Hey, playgirl model, it is question time!!" "Yes?" the model said in his manly voice. "May I BF you?" Teddy said with a buttery smile. "Why, certainly," the model said and bent over. Mulder got off the bus and decided to return to D.C. "I guess I should just stick to the X-Files," Mulder said. "Maybe I'll finally get to be the one BFing"