From: JKGayle Date: 27 Feb 1999 06:46:25 GMT Subject: NEW: Full Circle Full Circle by Judy Gayle 2-26-99 Summary: Post-ep. Scully's thoughts after her last encounter with Mulder in "The Beginning" Title: Full Circle Author: Judy Gayle Rating : PG for a few bad words Category: V A Spoilers: The Beginning, FTF Keywords: Scully angst E-mail address: JKGayle@aol.com Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and the other characters in this story belong to Chris Carter, the Fox Network, and Ten Thirteen Productions. I'm just borrowing them. No copyright infringement is intended. Archive: Anywhere Many thanks to Kristine for beta reading. Feedback is greatly appreciated. *************** Full Circle by Judy Gayle *************** I'm not sure how I feel. Sometimes -- like now -- I'm numb. But sometimes I'm so angry that I feel consumed by a mindless rage. And sometimes I'm just scared shitless. I've earned his trust a thousand times over. I shouldn't have to ASK for it now. Why can't he understand that seeing something is not the same as proving it? People have been "seeing" flying saucers for decades, but there's never been any physical proof. It doesn't matter what I saw or didn't see, or what Mulder thinks he saw, or even what Diana saw. I still can't PROVE it. I wish I could. God, how I wish I could! If I could do that for Mulder, maybe I could put away this fear. This fear that I'm losing him. After spending six years with Mulder, I can't imagine my life without him. But I hate myself for being so chickenshit that I couldn't even wait for his answer when I practically begged him to trust me. No, I cravenly handed over that DNA evidence, because I couldn't risk hearing that he trusted Diana more than me. I didn't trust him to choose me. I almost wish I hadn't had that DNA evidence to give him. It felt like a bribe. Please trust me, Mulder. I'll give you some evidence if you'll just trust me. And again, I chickened out by not reminding him that the evidence is meaningless unless he can prove that the virus is extraterrestrial. Just because Mulder believes that it's extraterrestrial doesn't make it true. So we're back to square one. I understand that he's upset at losing the X-Files. I understand his need to lash out -- to rail against the feeling that he has lost control over his life. I even understand why he's lashing out at the most available person -- me. But I don't understand why he's defending Diana Fowley. Is there something else going on there? Is it possible that they're together again? I know it's easy to fall back into old habits, but I would have thought that our six years together would have counted for something. How could I have gone from his one-in-five-billion to persona non grata virtually overnight? How could I have meant so much to him in the hallway outside his apartment that he would come all the way to Antarctica to save me -- but now Diana seems to be the one he trusts. It just doesn't make sense. Either he was lying when he told me how much I meant to him, or he doesn't really mean what he's saying now. I pray to God it's the latter. How long will it take him to realize that she's not worthy of his trust? Will he come to that conclusion at all? Have we come full circle? Him with his original partner, and me the distrusted outsider? I'll cut him a little slack for now -- let him run the line out -- because I know that he needs it. But I can't keep paying out line indefinitely. At some point in the not-too-distant future, I'll reach the end of that rope. And when I do, if I can't reel him in...then I'll have to let him go. **************** END ****************