Subject: The Game of Moose and Squirrel (1/1) by Andrew Watson
From: WATSON@kidder.oit.umass.edu (The Sleeping Fool)
Date: 13 Jul 97 21:28:27 GMT


The Game of Moose and Squirrel
by Andrew Watson (watson@som.umass.edu)

A wholesome G-rated story, dedicated to those who helped.

Mulder, Scully, and at least one other character featured here belong
to 1013 and Carter and Fox. I'm not sure to whom the toads belong.
Perhaps they belong to Rocky and Bulwinkle, who in turn belong to
someone else. Charlie, his friends, and the Lone Gameswoman belong to
me.


July 6, 1997: 7.56 pm

Charlie knocked on the door of appartment 49. "Happy birthday,
Charlie," said Tim as he opened the door.

"About time too. We were about to eat your birthday pizza without
you." This from Roger.

"No we weren't," said Anna. "Happy birthday."

The two pizzas, along with plates and napkins, were on Tim's desk.
Also on the desk was a present, about two feet by one by a couple of
inches, wrapped in paper illustrated with pictures of Rocky and
Bulwinkle. "I'm touched," said Charlie. "Tim, you even moved your
computer off your desk for the occasion." He picked up the present. It
was light, and rattled slightly. "A board game?"

"You can open it later. It's pizza and cartoon time right now,"
insisted Roger.

"Then Jose Chung, then present. The agenda has been set," added Tim.

"Pizza, then a Darin Morgan script? Those two presents sound good
enough to get me through to ten o'clock. That's still two hours before
my birthday."
       
"Pity Darin only wrote four scripts," said Anna.

"Plus the story for Blood, and, rumor has it, the conversation on the
rock in Quagmire," added Tim.

"Is that another internet rumor?" demanded Roger.

"Hey, don't keep knocking the internet," said Tim, defensively.
"There's lot of good stuff there."

"Such as?"

"Such as... the comparison of Mulder and Scully to Rocky and
Bulwinkle," said Tim, nodding in the direction of the present. "Well,
that's the best I can come up with on an empty stomach."

Meanwhile, Anna had put a slice of pizza on a plate, stuck a candle in
it, and lit the candle. "Make a wish," she said, as she handed the
plate to Charlie. "It doesn't have to involve your lust for Scully.
You're allowed to wish for me to get Mulder."

Charlie wished, and blew the candle out. As usual, he
felt relieved that birthday wishes were kept secret. His, he felt,
were particularly foolish, although they seemed to come true
surprisingly often in surprising ways.

They helped themselves to pizza and sat down, Tim on the floor and the
other three on his couch, to watch The Simpsons. During the commerical
breaks they chatted, the topics covered ranging from Roger's fairly
favorable review of Men in Black to Charlie's responding to a question
about what he got for his birthday from his six older brothers with the
fact that, since there were so many of them, they had stopped giving each
other presents on grounds of lack of money and imagination.


10:14

After a brief but heated discussion of Jose Chung, a bathroom break,
and Tim replacing his computer in his desk to check the email of the
last few hours, it was time for Charlie to open his present from the
other three. He picked it up. "It's a board game. X-Files-Opoly?"

"He's hot," said Anna. "Open it."

Charlie tore the Rocky and Bulwinkle paper from the package to reveal
a box, similar to that for a board game, but plain brown except for
the stencilled words: The Game of Moose and Squirrel. "I've never
heard of this," he said, as he removed the lid.

"It's sort of a beta version," said Tim.

"What's a beta version?" demanded Roger. "Is this more of your
internet jargon?"

"It means that they want our comments so they can improve the game
before releasing it to the public."

Roger nodded at Anna's explanation. "Who's they?"

"Not they. She," said Charlie, reading a letter he found in the box.
"This cover letter is signed The Lone Gameswoman. And yes, she invites
our comments."

He handed the letter to Roger, and took the box over the to the low
table in front of the couch. He put the box on the table, sat down on
the floor next to it, and removed the rules. They were printed on
about a dozen letter sized sheets of paper, stapled together.

He laughed as he read the first paragraph. "The game is based on two
premises," he read to the others. "First, The X-Files is a mass of
contradictions. Second, by judicious denial of certain episodes, or
aspects of episodes, it is possible to construct a coherent set of
plot and character elements, constituting a consistent narrative."

"You mean like Never Again never happened?" asked Tim, eagerly.

"I guess," said Charlie. "Let's just check that all the pieces are
here. One four-season play board."

"Check," said Tim. The board was of thick cardboard, hinged in the
middle. He unfolded it to reveal a board about two feet square. "Let's
have the first season facing the birthday boy."

Charlie looked down at the edge of the board facing him. In the right-hand
corner was a square marked "1X1: Pilot." To its left was a rectangle
marked "1X2: Deep Throat." And so on down to the rectangle marked
"1X24: The Erlenmeyer Flask." Next to it, in the left-hand corner, was
a square marked "2X1: Little Green Men."

Along the left-hand edge, rectangles representing the rest of the
second season led up to a corner square marked "3X1: The Blessing
Way." Rectangles led along the top of the board to the square in the
top right, marked "4X1: Herrenvolk." The fourth season rectangles led
back to the Pilot square.

"She could have made the board a bit more colorful," said Roger. Only
then did Charlie notice that the board was black-on-white. He was becoming
intruiged by his present. "One 10-sided die, one 13-sided die," he
read from the rules.

"Check," said Tim, laughing as he removed the dice from the box and
threw them into the middle of the board.

"Four game pieces," read Charlie. "Players may add or substitute their
own."

"Check, I guess," said Tim, as he put on to the board four small
plastic objects, one black, one red, one white, and one clear.

Charlie chuckled as he read on. "So tell me, who do these pieces
represent?" he challenged the others.

"Duh. This must be X," said Roger, reaching for the black piece in the
shape of that letter.

"And Tooms?" asked Tim, holding up the red piece in the shape of an
elongated human hand.

"Melissa?" hazarded Anna as she took the clear piece. 
"This looks like a cheap plastic
imitation of the crystal she wore round her neck."

That left the white piece. It was shaped like a cylinder. "Any
guesses?" asked Charlie. There was silence. "It's Deep Throat. This is
meant to be the thing containing the alien he died trading for Mulder.
I'll be Deep Throat," he said, placing the piece on the Pilot square,
and nodding at the square to indicate that the others should do the
same with their pieces.

As they did so, he read out, "Players may usee their own game pieces if
there are more than four players, or if they prefer their own pieces
to those provided. As a convention, each piece should represent a
recurring but dead character."

"Hey, remember that kids' game Mousetrap?" asked Anna. "One of the
plastic mice could stand for Pendrell!"

"Or the ship from Monopoly could stand for Scully's dad," suggested
Roger, who seemed to be warming to the game.

"I wish I could be Marita," said Anna.

"But she's not dead," said Roger.

"Exactly," said Anna.

Wondering why Anna bothered to be subtle around Roger, Charlie read on.
"One basic deck of cards."

"Check," said Tim, taking from the box what looked like a deck of
playing cards, held together with a rubber band, and with a slip of
paper in the top saying "Basic Deck."

"One expansion deck."

"Check."

"It is recommended that players familiarlize themselves with the game
by playing the basic version of the game, which does not require the
expansion deck," continued Charlie. Tim returned the expansion deck to the
box.

"Shuffle the basic deck." As Tim began shuffling, Charlie read on. "This
deck consists of forty-four cards, thirty-six of which are denial cards. Of
these, eight are Scully denial cards. These cards are used in the
following manner. A player, landing on a space, may deny that the
Scully of that episode is the real Scully."

"Give me one of those cards and get me to Never Again!" said Tim.

"A further eight cards are Mulder denial cards. A further eight are
relationship denial cards. They deny aspects of the episode concerning
the relationship between Mulder and Scully. A further eight are
mythology denial cards. For example..."

"OK, we get the idea," interrupted Roger. "What about the other
cards?"

"The remaining four denial cards are the powerful 'deny everything'
cards. They can be used to deny all aspects of the
episode you land on."

"You mean I could wipe out The Field Where I Died?" asked Tim eagerly.

"Or One Breath?" added Roger with a smirk.

"Wait until that X is lodged up your nostrils," snapped Anna at Roger.
"You'll have a nosebleed that Scully would envy."

"Violence might not be necessary," said Charlie. "I'm not saying it's a bad
idea, but you might respond with an affirm card. If someone else plays
a denial card, you can cancel it with an affirm card. There are four
of them."

"Is that all the cards in the basic deck?" asked Tim.

"No, there are four resist regression cards," answered Charlie, and read,
"Certain spaces have an arrow pointing backwards. These correspond to
episodes in which a character undergoes regression hypnosis. A player
landing on such a space must move her piece back to the Pilot, unless
she has, and chooses to play, a resist regression card."

"What's so bad about moving back to the Pilot?" asked Anna.

"After you go all the way round the board, and pass Pilot, you take a
card from the deck. When you play a card, it remains next to the space
you played it on, or, if the denial is cancelled with an affirm card,
both cards stay next to the space. So passing Pilot is the way you get
more cards - the only way, as far as I can see."

"What about the expansion deck?" asked Tim.

"That has obfuscate cards, informant cards, and... But it recommends
that you play the basic game first to get used to it. Shall we?"

There being no disagreement, Charlie consulted the rules to see how
play should start. He dealt four cards from the basic deck to each
player, and placed the remainder of the deck in the space marked for
it in the middle of the board. "You don't have to show a card until
you play it," he told the others. They all consulted their cards and
put them face down in front of them.

Charlie reported that each player should
throw the 13-sided die to decide who went first. No-one beat the 13 he
threw, so it was Deep Throat to start. "That's the only use for the
13-sided die in the basic game," he said, putting it back in the box.

He threw the 10-sided die. It was a seven. He moved the white piece
onto the Pilot square, saying "One" as he did so. He counted onto the
space marked "1X7: Ghost in the Machine." As he landed on it, Homer
Simpson's voice said "D'oh!" Or rather, the computer said it, in
Homer's voice, and then said it ten more times.

"Sorry," said Tim. "I left my computer on. I set it up to strike the
hours. I got fed up with the Big Ben .WAV after a while, and replaced
it with Homer. So now Homer D'ohs the hours."

"Question," said Anna. "What would have happened if Charlie had landed
on Squeeze? Is that in some way Tim's space? That little picture on it
looks like his Tooms piece."

Charlie consulted the rules. "For each player, the space corresponding
to the episode in which their character first appeared is a bonus
space. If they land on that space, they take a card from the top of
the deck. Too bad I missed my own bonus space. But I don't have to
give Tim anything."

He passed the die to Anna, who was sitting to his left. She threw a
nine, and moved the clear piece to 1X9. "The Space space," she said.

"Bad episode. Got a deny everything card?" asked Roger.

"It's not so much episode quality, as whether or not the episode gets
in the way of your interpretation of the X-Files," said Tim, accepting
the die from Anna. He threw a five, moved the red piece to the space
marked 1X5: The Jersey Devil, and remarked, "You know, that first
season wasn't as great as some say it is."

Roger threw an eight, moved the black piece to Ice, and said, "There's
plenty of good stuff there, for those with the taste to land on it."

After about an hour of play, banter about the episodes, and checking
of the rules, it was Charlie's turn, with his Deep Throat piece on the
space marked "2X7: 3". He threw a seven, and moved to "2X14: Die Hand
Die Verletzt."

As he put the piece on the space, Homer Simpson said "D'oh!" Then a
toad fell on to the board. Then there was a knock at the door of the
appartment, followed by a familar voice, audible over Homer's
announcement of midnight, saying, "FBI."

Tim had no idea how the toad had got into his appartment, or how it
had fallen from the ceiling onto the board. But he was surprised and
impressed to hear himself say, "Someone else get the toad. I'll get
the door."

He opened the door, and again impressed himself with the calmness and
courtesy with which he invited the FBI agents into his appartment.
Mulder strode in with obvious excitement. Scully followed, her
eyebrows twitching as if engaged in warming-up exercises.


12.01

"I know that this is strange for all of us," said Mulder, "But I have
a theory. Would you help me test it by telling me what's going on
here?"

With much prompting from and many strange questions from Mulder, 
Tim, Charlie, and Anna obliged.
Meanwhile, Roger was huddled in a corner of the room, muttering over
and over again, "This is not happening."

"I can't help agreeing with him," said Scully, indicating Roger.
His three friends nodded in agreement.

"Is it so difficult to believe?" demanded Mulder, "that we were
summoned here? Consider the number seven, long held by civilizations
wiser than our own to have mystical signifiance. Is it so difficult to
believe that if the seventh
son of a seventh son, born on the seventh day of the
seventh month - if such a son, in a room bearing the number
forty-nine, which is seven times seven, on the stroke of the midnight that
marks the start of his birthday, arrives, by means of the number
seven, at the site of a summoning, himself effects a summoning?"

"Yes," came the emphatic response from Scully, whose eyebrows had
risen to a height not normally attainable for the brows of such a
short woman. "Yes, it is so difficult. What you're saying, Mulder, is
that we have been summoned to some strange place in which we have our
own TV show and game."

"After all you've seen, Scully, do you really believe that ours is the
only universe? I have a stack of X-Files verifying inter-universe
summonings."

Scully's eyebrows descended slightly as she decided to gather more
evidence. "Where did you find out about this game?" she asked.

"On the web," said Tim. "Let's go to the page." He and Scully went
across to the computer. A minute later, he reported that the page no
longer existed.

"I think you'll find that you'll get similar results if you check any
addresses, email addresses, or phone numbers," said Mulder, with a
mixture of smugness and resignation.

"I think there's something to Mulder's story, or at least to this
seventh son of a seventh son stuff," said Charlie quietly. "Although
this is the weirdest thing ever to happen to me, fairly weird stuff
happens around me fairly often." He knew that he must appear
ridiculous to some of the others, especially since he was holding the
toad.

"Such as?" asked Mulder. It was an invitation, rather than a
challenge.

"Well, when I landed on Ghost in the Machine - that's the HAL episode
- Tim's computer seemed to come to life. And, wasn't it just as I landed
on Eve that your twin sister called here?" He asked Anna.

Anna nodded. So did Tim. "I think it was right then that I lost my
thirst for soda," he said.

"Any other weird stuff that happens around you?" Mulder asked Charlie.

"Well, my birthday wishes come true, although always in strange ways."

"What was your wish this year?"

"He can't tell you that, Mulder, or it won't come true."

"You really believe that?" Mulder patronizingly asked Scully.

"I've believed it ever since my father told me."

"Well, can you give us a clue?" Mulder mockingly asked Charlie.

"I can give Dana a clue," said Charlie. "Can I call you Dana?" Her
answering smile was a wonderful birthday present.

"It's something you also wish for. And... there's something else I
just know, somehow. You can make it come true if you are willing to
kiss the toad and make the trade."

Scully looked puzzled for a brief moment. Then she smiled, nodded, and
opened her hands. As Charlie began to open and extend his hands to
pass her the toad, it hopped into Scully's hands as if eager to be
there.

Scully raised the toad to her lips, and kissed it tenderly. It began
to grow, and to sprout hair. Within seconds, it had turned into
Queequeg. The little dog yapped, and licked the tears of joy from
Scully's face.

Charlie's stare at the reunion was interrupted by Anna's nudging him.
She pointed to the pile of clothes that occupied the spot where Mulder
had been standing. The pile moved, then a toad hopped out. 

"Mulder turned into a toad? Can he be turned back?" Anna asked Charlie,
who had emerged as the nearest thing to an authority on such matters.

"Yes," replied Charlie, surprised by his certainty. "If she kisses
Mulder, he turns back. But then Queequeg turns back into a toad."

"I'm going to miss him," sighed Scully. "Even though he was always
making a mess, and was often annoying, and no amount of work with the
hairbrush could make him look anything other than silly, it's a pity
that he has to spend the rest of his life as a toad."

"Yes, poor Queequeg," said Anna, as she picked up
the Mulder-toad for Scully to kiss.

"I was talking about Mulder," said Scully. "Now, how can Queequeg and
I get home?"

"He can lead you there," said Charlie.

"Thank you," said Scully to Charlie. "Do you have any more birthday
wishes?"

"If you can kiss a toad..." Scully nodded, stepped toward him, still
holding Queequeg, and stood on tiptoe to kiss him lightly on the lips.
He would have fainted, had it not been for a reviving lick on the
cheek from Queequeg.

Scully turned away, and lowered Queequeg to the floor. He scampered
towards the door. Scully followed him. The Mulder-toad leapt from
Anna's hands and hopped indignantly afterwards.

Scully opened the door, wished them well, and then the agent, the dog,
and the toad left the appartment.

They stared at the door as it closed. Then Tim asked weakly, "So, did your
wish come true?" 

"Yes. I can tell you now that it has. You mentioned Quagmire, and Anna
mentioned Scully, and the two things came together in my mind as a
wish for Queequeg to be returned, alive and well, to Scully. Well,
this has been quite a birthday, and it's not even an hour old. I turn
out to have... powers. My wish came true. And then I got an extra
wish... But I think I'd better call it a
night. Can I leave the game set up here, so that we
can continue it some other time?" he asked Tim.

"I don't think that Roger wants to be in the same place as the game
right now," said Tim. "How about leaving the game and taking him?"

"No thanks," said Charlie, packing away the board and the other
components of the game into the box.

"So I'd better take Mulder's clothes," said Anna. "After all, even you
guys wouldn't wear a tie like this one."

"Goodnight then," said Tim, as he saw Charlie and Anna to the door.
"Want to come round for the X-Files again next Sunday?"


I hope that you enjoyed The Game of Moose and Squirrel. Feedback is
very welcome.

Andrew in Amherst	watson@som.umass.edu
He of the humble home page:
http://www-vms.oit.umass.edu/~watson/home.html