From: Scott Miller Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Gateway to the Soul (1/1) Date: Mon, 18 Mar 1996 22:11:05 -0600 (CST) This is not part of the Fox's Star series, but I am working on one, so stay tuned. Just a piece for both relationship and Non-relationship files alike. As always, I simply adore any kind of email that finds its way into my humble electronic in-box. Even if you're yelling at me, it gives me a sense of purpose in writing if you send your comments, flames, praise, criticism, or suggestions to: smiller@wsp1.wspice.com Another piece of emotional fiction for those philes seeking an end to the relationship rift. I was so frustrated after these last few episodes, that I sat down and tapped furiously. I would like to comment on a quote Sheryl Martin often places at the ends of her brilliant pieces of writing. It hits me every time I read it, so if you don't mind Sheryl, I used it at the end of mine this time. Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are owned by Chris Carter and Ten-Thirteen productions. No infringement is intended. I only wish to use them to fill the lives of others with a sense of awe (I wish I were that good.) Gateway to the Soul by Scott Miller "Scully? Open the door." He knocked again. "Please? I just want to talk." Silence. "Look, I'm sorry about what I said. I had no right. You're absolutely right and I'm sorry." He wanted to tell her he felt miserable, that having her angry at him was literally making him sick. He wanted to say a lot of things, but there was something between them. Not just the door to her hotel room, but a barrier, built by the harsh stones they had each been hurling at one another over the past few months. The wall was now insurmountable. Scully wouldn't even speak to him now. She just slammed the door in his face at the end of a day and sat as far away as possible on the plane trip back to D.C. Mulder had only just recently realized that he was treating her like the enemy, always trying to put a distance between himself and her. He'd let her get too close, he rationalized with himself. Now he was afraid for her life, even when she wasn't in a dangerous situation. After she'd been abducted, then later kidnapped by Donny Pfaster, he'd realized just how terrified he could be when she was gone. The thought of anyone hurting her was simply unbearable. So he'd started alienating her. Snide comments when she proposed a theory, to flat out denial. He'd been an ass, and he knew it. Now, the fragments of their tattered relationship were buried in the deep wall between them. "Please, Scully. Dana. I just need to talk." Still nothing. She didn't want to fix it. It's already too late, he thought, and sank down to the floor in defeat, eyes filling with tears. Now she would be gone. You got what you wanted, Mulder, are you happy? She's so distant now she might as well transfer to Quantico. She probably would, too, he thought. Just as soon as she could get back to the office to type a letter of transfer, she'd walk out the door and be rid of him forever. His life would return to the monotany of tackling the cases by himself. He would do alright at first, using work to drown out his emotions. But eventually he'd sink into the depression and complacency he'd known so well before she had come along. And so he'd live out the rest of his career in the basement. The cold, dark, lonely basement that wasn't just his home, but an outward expression of his very soul. Devoid of meaning, empty of feeling, and full of regret. She could hear his soft sobs on the other side of the paper thin wall. Serves him right, she thought. She wasn't the only one responsible for what was going on between them. He was just as much as fault. He'd been so difficult to talk to. He'd totally dismissed her ideas on the stigmata case. He could believe in nearly everything, but not faith. Not something as clear cut as religon. Perhaps Mulder had renounced his own faith, and he didn't wan't to believe in the very thing that had failed him many years ago. But that wasn't all, she thought. On other cases, he'd treated her like a tag along, a fifth wheel. He'd run off on his own more times than she could count now. No 'I'll be careful, Scully' or 'I'm off', but a complete and unexpected disappearance. It was just like she didn't matter. And quite frankly, that made her furious. The sobs continued. Why the hell should she care, he deserved the misery he was going through. He'd earned it. For the last few months, it seemed all he tried to do was push her away, to distance her. Why? She thought he trusted her, that he could tell her anything. Obviously she was wrong. I've got to get a hold of myself, Mulder thought. If I can just get her to talk to me, I can explain everything. He realized now that he had to stop distancing himself from her. He had to somehow repair the hole in their relationship. If he didn't, he might just fall through that hole into the dark place he'd been a part of for so long. Drying his tears and summoning up his courage, Mulder let himself out of his hotel room and knocked softly on hers. "Scully." Still the aggravating silence. "Please, Scully." He thought he heard some shuffling around inside. After a few seconds he convinced himself it was just his imagination. "I'm so sorry, Scully. I need to see you. I want this to stop." Mulder sighed as he heard the sound of the chain being drawn from the door. Slowly the hotel door opened, revealing Scully in her bathrobe staring at him with a defiant gaze. That look was ice cold, sending shivers through his already chilled body. Scully stepped aside, motioning Mulder to enter the room. He did so, and stood awkwardly in the corner. "We need to talk, Scully." "Sit down Mulder." "I can't." He felt like a caged bird. On the one hand, he needed to talk to her, but he felt intimidated by her icy stance. "Then talk." "What is wrong with us, Scully?" "You tell me." "I know I've been responsible for it all, Scully. I've been cruel to you. I'm so sorry. Its just that..." "What Mulder, what IS your excuse for this...." She gestured at the intangible atmosphere of tension. "I don't want to lose you. I've been afraid, Scully." "Of what? That I might be right once in a while?" "Of losing you." She stopped cold in her thoughts, letting those three words roll over in her mind. "I've been a jerk, and I know it. But I did it because I care for you. I know it sounds crazy, but I started to realize that if I lost you, I don't know how I would manage. So I started to act the way I did to try and convince myself that I didn't care. I thought maybe if I could fool myself, I wouldn't be destroyed if I lost you. "But now I realize that I can't stand the pain trying to distance myself from you is causing. I want it to stop. I want you back." "If only it were that simple Mulder. But its not, you see that don't you? I just don't know if I can trust you. I used to think I would always be able to trust you to be there for me. But now... You run off without a second thought, leaving me to face god knows what. Not to mention it worries me sick when you run off like that. Every time you disappear, you wind up either in a hospital or mentally unbalanced." Mulder stared awkwardly at his feet, feeling the weight of her words tear at his heart. He slowly lowered himself to a chair, finding that his legs were feeling shaky. "But I don't want it to seem like I don't care about you Mulder, I do. But I just can't take the stress of watching you make every attempt to destroy yourself or push me away. It hurts too much." "Can you forgive me, Scully? I'm ready to try and fix this if you are. I want what we had back more than anything." Dana dropped into a crouch just in front of Mulder, staring deep into the dark hazel pools of his eyes. She stared right into him, seeing not only the pain this was causing him, but the sheer intensity of his desire to make things right. She slipped her hands into his and gave him a reassuring smile. "Yes Mulder. I want to try." He stared back into her eyes and saw something he hadn't seen in a very long time, compassion. And in that moment he felt a torrent of relief wash through him. They sat together, hand in hand, staring deeply into each other's eyes. Suddenly Mulder remembered a saying he hadn't heard in a long time, and it seemed so right. The eyes are truely the gateway's to the soul.