From: Crowcall17@aol.com Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 01:54:17 EDT Subject: Gilligan's File Source: direct Title: Gilligan's File Author: Stephanie McGee Classification: Humor/MSR Rating: NC-17 for language and sexual content; some suggestion of slash Spoilers: None Keywords: X-files/Gilligan's Island crossover Summary: Mulder takes a three hour tour to dreamland. Chaos ensues. Disclaimer: Not meant to infringe on Chris Carter's creation or the actors who make it. I don't own any of the character, although it would be nice to have a little, pocket sized, portable, Mulder...Also, I do not own, or wish to own, any of the cast of Gilligan's Island. Ect.... Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,/ /The tale of a fateful trip/ /That started from apartment 42/ /Just listen to me quip/ /The mate was a mighty FBI man/ /The skipper bald and sure/ /The agents went to work that day for a three-hour bore/ /A three-hour bore /Mulder started getting tired/ /His consciousness was tossed/ /If not for the courage of agent Scully/ /The x-files would be lost/ /The x-files would be lost/ /Mulder slipped and ran aground upon the shore of this/ /Uncharted desert isle/ /With Gilligan, the Skipper too/ /The millionaire, and his wife/ /The movie star, and the professor and Mary Ann/ /Are here on Gilligan's File/ XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX It all started on one boring Monday morning in the J. Edgar Hoover building, also known as the FBI headquarters. I, Special agent Fox Mulder, sighed as I rubbed my forehead, wishing for coffee through an IV drip. Special Agent Dana Scully sat next to me, idly pretending to listen to the board directors that spoke so sternly. We were in the doghouse again; this time we had wasted the Bureau's money on a wild goose chase (My idea), and now Assistant Director Walter Skinner was there to bail us out, with bells on of course. I looked at my watch and clenched my jaw like a vice when I realized that only five grueling minutes had passed since this damn meeting started. 175 minutes to go. I sneaked a look at Scully discretely, catching her eye. I rolled my own eyes dramatically, and was quickly silenced by one of Scully's "no nonsense" looks that would stop a rabid bull in his tracks. If looks could kill, Scully's arched eyebrow was a razor sharp dagger. Dejected, I looked down at my clasped hands, watching my thumbs move hypnotically as I twiddled them. Over, under, over, under, I was mesmerized. My eyelids felt heavy, I really had to struggle to keep them open. Of course I knew that I shouldn't have stayed up so late last night, watching that four hour marathon of "Gilligan's Island", but I just couldn't help it. It *was* a funny show, and with a little imagination and a lot of ingenuity, Ginger could have easily passed for Scully. The thought of straight laced Dana in an itsy bitsy, teensy weensy, yellow polka dot bikini sent chills up my spine. Yikes, that got little Mulder's attention. Man, it doesn't take much when I'm thinking of her... But now was not the time to have unprofessional thoughts about my partner, especially since she was sitting about six inches away from me. I had to think of something else, something completely non-sexual; autopsies, mothmen, flukemen, giant carnivorous fungus, Jesus, this isn't working. Wait, I've got it...Frohike naked! There, that did it. Little Mulder dropped like a fly. I can always count on the Gunmen in a jam. Or when I want to get jammed, that is. I wonder how much time that killed? What are these goons talking about anyway? Shit, did my watch stop? My eyes began to droop again, I could feel myself slipping. I sang the theme song for "Gilligan's Island" in my head as a means to stay awake. Still not paying attention. La, la, la, la, la... "Agent Mulder!" Shit. "Agent Mulder, would you care to inform me how you wasted 537 dollars and 63 cents on *wall paper paste*?!?!" "Well, you see sir..." And this is where my impeccable knack for bullshitting comes in handy. I manage to spit out about five breaths worth of conversation in a single breath, leaving my audience stupefied. Mix that ability with some big, multi-syllabled words and some notions about cow flatulence and you can be pretty damn sure that no one will be asking me any more questions any time soon. Except Scully. That routine doesn't seem to throw her. Go figure. I ended my schpeele when I was sure that the board was thoroughly confused, passing the ball to Scully. They wouldn't get mad at her, she's not a notorious asshole trouble maker, like me. Now that I was out of the red, I decided to take a brief nap, just enough to refresh. The effort it took to pull that excuse out of my ass was excruciating, and I felt like I deserved a little down time. I crooked my head so that it looked like I was reading my file and let my eyes drift shut. Sweet darkness erased the cruel faces of the bored and left me feeling dizzy with exhaustion. As I slipped further into my snooze I could still hear that damn theme song, a lack luster lullaby. Oh well. I hope I don't snore. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I woke up to the sound of large, colorful and extremely pissed off parrot that was perched directly over my head. With a flip of it's tail, a slimy white glob of bird shit came flying at my face. I rolled to the right, narrowly escaping. Now, out of danger, things were starting to get a little confusing. First of all, what in the HELL was I doing in the tropics? I was covered in sand, hot and surrounded by huge, green leafy plants. Jungle noise rang loud in my ears. I rubbed the bridge of my nose, feeling a head ache coming on. I pulled myself into a sitting position, moving my fingers from my nose to my temples. What the hell is going on? Suddenly I was aware of footsteps coming close. I rose quickly to my feet, facing the direction of the steps. From out of the brush appeared something I never, In my life, expected to see. It was Scully, but not just Scully. It was my fantasy Scully, clad in a beige string bikini and a string of pearls around her neck. Her makeup was bold and deliberate, and her hair styled in systematic ringlets around her face. She was beautiful. And then she spoke. "Mary Ann! I found him, over here!" I didn't know who Mary Ann was, and I really didn't care. All I could focus on was Scully's ass, I mean assets. I somehow managed to force my lolling tongue back into my mouth, thus reestablishing my capability to speak. "Scully, you, you look...nice. Where are we?" Ok, so maybe I could only stammer, but that's a start, isn't it? Whatever I said must have upset her, because she bit her full, succulent, cherry red lower lip and looked over her shoulder fretfully. "Mary Ann, hurry up, would you? I think he's delirious!" "No, Scully, I'm fine! I was just-" This is when I knew I definitely was NOT in Kansas any more, Toto. At this point I knew something was fucky, because out of the brush emerged Phoebe Green. My self proclaimed little hellcat who would either like to fuck me, kill me, break my heart, or all three at once. She looked a lot different from the last time I saw her; her hair was shoulder length and hung in loose pigtails behind her ears, and she'd traded in her G-woman designer garb for a pair of cut off daisy duke Jean shorts and a mid-drift baring, red checkered tank top. The most distinct change, though, was the mysterious absence of her British accent. "What were you saying, Ginger? I couldn't hear you." Ginger? "I think Gilligan's got anesthetic, Mary Ann! He doesn't know who I am or where we are!" "You mean Amnesia?" "Oh, whatever it's called, I don't know. What do you think I am, a doctor?" I was definitely starting to get worried now. Scully was talking like a valley girl bimbo, and why in the hell was Phoebe here? Then it hit me. They had called me Gilligan. They were calling each other Ginger and Mary Ann. I'd either passed through the Bermuda Triangle again or I was dreaming. I tried to remember what happened before I woke up in the jungle. "Lets take him to the Skipper, he's just behind those trees over there." Before I could protest, the two women where on each of my arms, leading me through the trees. How could I argue? "Listen, girls, this is all a big mistake. I'm not Gilligan. I'm Mulder. I must be dreaming or something." "Lets hurry, Mary Ann. He's really starting to creep me out!" The girls began moving faster despite my protests, and soon we reached a clearing. Phoebe, or Mary Ann, I should say, called for the Skipper. "Skipper, we found him! Skipper!" The large, burly man who lumbered out of the thicket was none other than Assistant Director Walter Skinner, wearing a blue polo shirt and a captain's hat. He ran up to me and clamped his hands down on my shoulders. "Are you all right, little buddy? You had us worried sick!" Little buddy? Ok, this ends now. I brushed Skinner's hands off of me and backed away from him and the girls, my hands raised in a 'back off' gesture. " I don't know what's going on here, but I am NOT Gilligan. My name is Fox Mulder, you're Dana Scully, you're Walter Skinner, and you're Phoebe Green." They all exchanged worried glances, Skinner shifted nervously. "You sure look like Gilligan, little buddy." "Huh?" I looked down at my clothes for the first time. I was shocked to see myself in a bright red sweater and starched white pants. I swallowed hard and raised my left hand slowly to my head, coming in contact with what I knew was a white fisherman's hat. Skinner looped his arm through mine and held me firmly. I was too dumbfounded to care. "Lets take him to the professor." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Hey, hey! Get your hand's off me! Come on!" The more I struggled and squirmed, the tighter they held on. They practically dragged me to the professor's hut, our journey leaving odd tracks in the sand. Scully, er, Ginger, opened the door while the Skipper and Mary Ann carried me in. The professor stood with his back to us, flipping through what appeared to be an encyclopedia. "Professor? We found Gilligan." The professor put down his book and turned around. To my suprise it was John Byers. He looked rather in his element, surrounded by books, atlases and other intellectual do-dads. He smiled and walked towards me. "Gilligan, whatever happened to you? We were in a tizzy trying to find you!" "Look, bucky, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm starting to get REALLY pissed off-" "Gilligan! Watch your language in front of the girls!" I was damn mad now. Here I am, stranded in bum fuck Egypt with a bunch of people who look like people who they shouldn't look like and they think I'm one of them! "First of all, this is no girl!" I grabbed Mary Ann, or Phoebe or whatever by the arm and pulled her forward. Skinner pushed my off her and stepped between us. "Little buddy, what's gotten into you?!" "We think he has Amnesia, Professor. He's been acting this way ever since we found him." I was about to say something nasty when the door burst open. In walked a dapperly dressed Frohike. Behind him followed Langly. Apparently the shocks of the day were no where near over; Langly was wearing a frilly, puff sleeved floral print dress, stockings, and black high heeled shoes. His thin lips were stained pink, and his stringy blonde hair sat in a round bun on top of his head. He still wore his coke bottle glasses. "Here now, what's all the commotion!" Frohike spoke with a Vanderbelt accent. "Gilligan's got Amnesia, Thurston." Skinner said cautiously. "Amnesia, how dreadful! Is there anything we can do for the poor boy?" "Oh, no, Eunice, it would be best if you and Thurston went back to your hut." "I...DO NOT...HAVE AMNESIA!" Everyone grew quite as my voice boomed over their chatter. "My name is Fox Mulder, I work for the FBI. So do you, and you, and you. And you, *professor*, you hang out with these two schmucks, calling yourselves the lone gunmen." "Relax, little buddy..." "We only want to help you, Gilligan." "Come on, lovey, I won't be insulted by a madman!" Frohike took Langly's arm and lead him out of the hut. "Girls, you may want to leave as well. The only way to get Gilligan back to normal is to hit him over the head, jogging his memory." The professor picked up and ominous looking coconut from his desk and held it at my height, coming closer to me. "Hey, back off man..." I walked backwards until I was cornered by the Skipper, who held me tight. "Hold still, little buddy. This is going to hurt us more than it hurts you..." I was really starting to panic now, as Byers got closer and closer. And if I didn't know any better, I could have sword I heard a laugh track playing in the background. I twisted and thrashed in Skinner/Skipper's strong, relentless grip, making no headway. "Listen, I'm *not* Gilligan! you've got to believe me!" Byers was standing in range now. He raised the coconut high over my head and took a deep breath. Somehow, some way, at this moment my bullshit gene decided to kick in. "Oh my gosh! Ginger's going down on Mary Ann!" I pointed out the window of the Professor's hut. The Skipper's hold went lax as both men craned to see. "What?" "What?!?" It was in this momentary lapse of vigilance that I managed to slip out of the Skipper's grasp and slink out of the hut. The girls, who in actuality sat in the sand outside, were shocked to see me running like a bat out of hell into the woods. "Gilligan! Where are you going?" I may have looked like a reject beach nerd, but I could still move like good 'ole Mulder. My strong, conditioned legs moved swiftly through the brush, up and over raised tree roots, rocks, I wasn't really paying attention. I stopped when I couldn't hear their voices anymore, desperate for a full intake of breath. I bent at my waist and clutched my knees, feeling my lungs expand and retract as my heart rate declined. It was then that I realized that I was alone, lost in a place where I didn't know my ass from my elbow. I stood erect, observing my surroundings. I turned in a circle. Tree...rock...another tree...a big ass mushroom...yet another tree...a funny looking man in a loin cloth holding a spear...tree...A FUNNY LOOKING MAN IN A LOIN CLOTH HOLDING A SPEAR?!?! Shit. This just gets better and better... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I instinctively drew for my weapon, cursing when I realized nothing was there. The scantly clad man crept forward moving stealthily through the bushes, crouching low like an animal stalking it's prey. I raised my hands in surrender, standing motionless. Then, faster than my eyes could track, the man rushed forward and was in my face. I about shit myself when saw who my attacker was. "Krycek?" He snarled thrust his spear against my throat, pinning me to a nearby tree. I gagged as the crude weapon blocked my airways. "BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" "I...*COUGH*...I don't...*COUGH*...understand!" "UNGA BUNGA BUNGA!" "...Please..." "UNGA BUNG BUNGA BINGA BINGA BINGA BUNGA!!!" He released his hold on the spear and I collapsed on the ground, on the cusp of unconsciousness. Too weak to protest, I submitted as he dragged me by my ankles to God knows where. I think I must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing I knew, it was night and I was hog tied at the foot of a massive gold throne, tikki torches burning all around. Tarzan stood above me with his foot pressed into my back, his spear angled at the back of my neck. I heard a voice coming from the throne, but in my position I could only see their feet. "You have done well, I am pleased. Very pleased." That voice... "Untie him and let him stand" Nature boy slashed the ropes that bound me with on swift movement, allowing my stiff legs to flop onto the ground followed by my face. I groaned loudly and struggled to get to my feet. The ropes still held my ankles and wrists, constricting my movement. You can imagine that I was mildly annoyed. Krycek grabbed me by my shirt collar and lifted me to a standing position. "Damn it, I'm not a piece of meat, you know!" "JINGA BUNGA DINGA!" "Look, asshole, either start speaking English or I'm going to stick my foot up your ass!" "Ok, how's this? Fuck you, dick head!" "ENOUGH! Calm yourselves!" It was then that I remembered the hauntingly familiar voice that I had hear while I was still on the ground. I whirled in the direction of the voice, gasping when I saw the man's identity. It was my greatest and dearest friend, the Cancer Man, dressed to match Krycek. "YOU! You bastard, what do you want?!" I charged at the Cigarette Smoking Man, only to be restrained in mid-stride by Krycek. "I advise you to control yourself, Gilligan. Do you have any idea who you are dealing with?" "Yeah, a cigarette smoking mother fucker!" The fiend laughed and gestured to Krycek to release me. "I'm afraid not, Gilligan." He paused dramatically, sweeping a hand through his salt and pepper hair for effect. "I am none other than the Big Kahoona." It was my turn to laugh. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?" "I should hope so, you see, I am in charge of the Great Sacrifice." "The Great Sacrifice?" I asked skeptically. "A ceremony to honor our most esteemed God. A wise, wealthy God who is bountiful in the way of style." "Who is this God?" I was expecting something typical, like Buddha or Allah or Yahweh, or Neptune or even Satan. I should have known better than to trust my expectations by now. "Regis Philbin, of course." My expression of shock must have amused him. He began laughing again, hysterically. "And you, sweet Gilligan," The CSM reached over and cupped my cheek. "You will be our sacrificial lamb." Just keeps on getting better and fucking better. "Strip him of his clothing and bind him to the ceremonial alter." The big Kahoona said with an evil smile on his face. Krycek wrapped me in a headlock and pulled me away, to where I couldn't see. "NO! No! Let go of me, I'm a Federal Agent! Human sacrifice is definitely a felony!" Of course Nature Boy wouldn't listen to me. He kept his iron grip on my neck, barely allowing me to breath. I continued struggling, beating him with my fists and trying to remain stationary on the ground but he didn't falter. Instead, with his free hand he removed a vile from the satchel he wore, uncapped it, and held it under my nose. I was out like a light, again. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX When I woke up I found myself stretched out spread eagle on cold cement. My wrists and ankles were bound so tight that my circulation was cut off. Oh, yeah. I was also completely naked. I twisted my head from side to side as far as I could, trying to catch a glimpse of my surroundings. It was still night, and I will still surrounded by an abundance of tikki tourches. I could see the ocean's black waves crashing onto the shore of the nearby beach. I heard no animal life, which frightened me considerably. Krycek and the CSM where nowhere to be seen. The sudden sound of metal meeting metal made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I craned my neck backwards, towards the direction of the sound. It was Krycek, sharpening two very large, very sharp looking daggers. Beside him the Big Kahoona kneeled in front of a carved statue of Regis Philbin. I don't know what was more disturbing; the thought of those daggers slicing through my bared flesh or the notion of a cult devoted to Regis. "Listen, guys, you really don't want to sacrifice *me*. I never watch 'Live! With Regis', and I never get past the 1,000 dollar question on 'Who Wants to be a Millioniare.' " That was a lie. Scully and I would often watch the show on those nights when we were supposed to be working but were too damn tired to give a shit. We knew more than any of those simps put together. "Blasphemor! You will pay for your insolence!" Krycek hissed. So, this is the end. In all the years of chasing EBE's, breaking into government facilities without authorization, meeting with shady informants and having wet dreams about my partner, I never imagined I would die in a ritual sacrifice to Regis Philbin. "Are the instruments ready?" "Yes, Big Kahoona." "Excellent. Lets begin." The CSM stood over me, holding one of the daggers high above his head. "Oh Great and Glorious Regis! We stand before you today, to honor your wisdom and righteousness! Bestow upon us your grace, oh Magnificent One! In our gratitude, we offer you this blood sacrifice. Please accept it with our most humble regards!" He looked down at me, pointing the knife away from the sky and at my body. He was about to thrust it through me when a shower of coconuts fell from the sky, pummeling the CSM, Krycek and me. "It is a sign! The God is displeased!" Krycek cried frantically as he covered his head with his arms. "Run! Leave the sacrifice, let the God deal with him!" The two fleed the scene, leaving me to my own devices. After taking several unfortunate hits from the coconuts, the storm blessedly depleted. After several minutes of quite, I heard voices coming from somewhere near me. "Gilligan! Are you hurt?" The Skipper, the Professor, Ginger, Mary Ann, The Millionaire, and his Wife all stepped into view. "Little Buddy!" "Not so little buddy..." Scully/Ginger said seductively as she eyed my groin. I blushed crimson. They all stood there, looking at me like a Christmas turkey on display. I squirmed uncomfortabley. "Hey, guys, a little help?" "Oh, yeah, right-" They all said. They untied me, and the professor gave me an overcoat he just happened to be carrying. Ginger came up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Gilligan, darling, are you all right? You had us so worried! Maybe you should stay in my cabin tonight..." "No way, bitch! He's staying with me!" Mary Ann shoved Ginger out of the way and took my arm. "Ladies, please, there's no need to fight-" "Darn tootin' there's no reason to fight. Little buddy's staying in my cabin tonight." The Skipper said as he pointed at his chest with his thumb. This was getting more than a little odd. "Nonsense, Jonas! He'll stay with Eunice and I, it can be a threesome!" "Actually, I think I'd just like to be alone right now-" I was cut off by the riot that was breaking out, being pulled in all different directions by the members of this little congregation. "He's mine!" "No, he's mine!" "I want him!" Yanked, backward and forward, spun like a top and played like a fiddle, the last thing I saw was the fading black of their faces all around me. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I woke up with my face in my keyboard. I was dripping wet with sweat, and amazed to find myself in complete and total darkness. The only light came from the glow of my computer screen. Scully must have left for the night, leaving me hear as a prank for falling asleep. "Shit." I mumbled, trying not to kill my self as I stood and moved away from my desk. I froze when I saw a shadow move across the room. "Who are you?!" I reached for my weapon, which was blessedly intact. "Mulder, it's me." "Scully? What's going on?" "I thought it was time to work on our...cooperation skills." I was begining to feel a little nervous. I wish she'd come into the light so I could see her. "What, you want to stack some office furniture?" "No, I was thinking more along the lines of bodies. Live bodies, this time." Scully stepped out of the shadows. My jaw dropped open. She was dressed as usual, white blouse, blazer, sensible skirt. But to accent these items she wore a captains hat and fishnets. God, I hoped they were the crotchless kind. There goes little Mulder again. "Scully..." I said breathlessly. She ran from across the room, jumped, and somehow latched herself onto my body, forcing us both to the ground. "Take me, Mulder!" She kissed me fiercely, forcing my lips open with her tongue. I gladly obliged, wrapping my arms around her waist. Her precise little hands ran up and down my chest stopping at my collar. In one fluid movement she ripped the shirt open, sending buttons flying in a storm of passion. I shrugged the shirt off, then copied her actions on her. Scully wasn't wearing a bra, and to my delight her fishnets were crotchless. I growled hungrily and flipped her over so that I was on top. She smiled with equal hunger and unbuttoned my pants. I slid them and my boxers of effortlessly. I gasped when she grabbed my sex, guiding it into her. No foreplay for this women, all business. After several "getting to know you" thrusts I was pounding into her like a jack hammer. "Mulder! Mulder!" Scully's breath was hot against my ear as she hissed my name over and over, digging her nails into my back. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Mulder! Mulder!" Scully's breath was hot against my ear as she hissed my name over and over, jabbing her elbow into my ribs. Her voice was far away, and I couldn't see her beneath me anymore. "Scully?" I blinked my eyes open and shut trying to clear my blurring vision. I shrieked like a woman when a face came into focus. Itwas Frohike, naked and smiling. "Hey, big boy. Going my way?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." "Mulder! Mulder, wake up!" "Wha..." I woke up face down at the table, surrounded by a puddle of my own drool. Scully was shaking me and jabbing me, not in a tender kind of way. I smiled sheepishly at her. "Hey, Scully." "Hey yourself." I sat up and stretched, groaning at the crook in my neck that ached like a mother fucker. FBI custom furniture is definitely not suitable for sleep. "Is the meeting over?" "Yes, it's been over. I had to convince the board that you were suffering from acute sleep apnea due to the recent trauma of a case. You owe me Mulder, big time." Good 'ole Scully. "Sure thing, Scully. How about I take you out to dinner?" "Hmm, maybe. Come on, lets get out of here before they lock up." I stood and rubbed my brow, recalling the dream I just had. "Man, Scully, I just had the weirdest dream-" "Mulder, judging by the noises you were making, I don't want to know *anything* about the dream you just had. Come on." Shit! She heard me! Damn, I hope I didn't say her name! "Um, Scully, what exactly did you hear?" She either didn't hear me or was ignoring me, because at that moment she walked out of the room. I followed behind at her heels. All was restored to it's natural order. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I smiled wickedly as I walked out of the room. "Um, Scully, what exactly did you hear?" Probably more than you wanted me to, stud. Mulder had been tossing and turning slightly through the entire meeting, but towards the end he started making noises that could be construed as sexual. After the meeting was adjourned I stayed in the room with him, relishing in this momentary glimpse into his psyche. My curiosity was rewarded when he groaned my name, muttering something about a captain's hat and fishnets. Not your typical fantasy, but this is Mulderr we're talking about. I've been pining over Mulder for some time, but I never made a move. I wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual. Sure he flirted, but I've caught him in precarious positions with so many other women before I could never be sure of his feelings for me. Now that I know, it looks like I'll be paying a surprise visit to my partner tonight...lets see, I think I have a pair of fishnets somewhere, but where am I gonna get a captains hat? THE END!!!