From: "David Hearne" Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 16:30:57 -0400 Subject: xfc: Gimme Twenty, Maggot (1 of 1) Source: xfc TITLE: GIMME TWENTY, MAGGOT (1 of 1) AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE CLASSIFICATION: Post-ep for "Teso Dos Bichos" RATING: R PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: Yes. Send feedback to ottercrk@sover.net Website is located at http://members.dencity.com/hearne AUTHOR'S NOTE: I decided to get the "Teso Dos Bichos" post-ep out of the way. This is the only way I know how to handle it. Let me state that this represents nothing personal against John Shiban. For all I know, Mr. Shiban is a very loving and humane person who works with many charities. Then, again, he does live in Hollywood... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "ATTEN-SHUN!! Roll call! Private Carter!" "Sir, here, sir!" "Private Carter, I would like to know what the hell is going on with this damn mythology of yours! You've got screwed it up five ways from Sunday!" "Sir, Private Spotnitz and I are working on it, sir!" "You better be, private! Or you'll be wiping toilets with that pretty white hair of yours! Private Gilligan!" "Sir, here, sir!" "That was fine work you did with 'Pusher,' son. The missus just about peed in her panties during that scene with the gun." "Sir, thank you, sir!" "All the shippers liked it, too. They're a bunch of pussies but their hearts are in the right place." "Sir, yes, sir!" "Private Morgan!" No response. "PRIVATE MORGAN!" Still no response. "Private Carter, where in the name of General Washington is Private Darin Morgan?!" "Sir, he's still sleeping, sir!" "Goddammit, that lazy son-of-a-bitch must have a death wish! When you see him, tell him that 'Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose' is the only reason why my boot is not sticking out of his ass!" "Sir, yes, sir!" "Private Spotnitz!" "Sir, here, sir!" "You heard what I said about the mythology, didn't you, Gomer?" "Sir, yes, sir!" "Private Shiban!" "Sir, here..." "Private Shiban!" "Sir, h..." "Private Shiban!" "Sir..." "Private Shiban, do these men look pretty to you?" Shiban blinks. "I said, do THESE men look pretty to you?!" "Sir, no, sir!" "Do I look pretty to you, private?" "Uh..." "Don't give me 'uh,' scumbucket! Give me an answer or give me twenty!" "Sir, no, sir!" "Well, then...if none of us look pretty to you, then why are YOU trying to fuck THIS unit in the ass?" Shiban blinks again. "WELL?!" "Sir, I...I don't understand, sir." "You don't, huh? Well, let me sum it up in three little words for you...'TESO DOS BICHOS!'" Shiban gulps. The other soldiers keep dead still. "First of all, there's your choice of monster. Which one of your drooling, retarded butt-buddies told you that little kitty-cats are scary?" Shiban makes no answer. "YOUR DRILL SARGEANT HAS ASKED YOU A QUESTION, PRIVATE! ANSWER HIM!" "Sir, no one, sir!" "So you thought it up all by yourself, huh? For the love of sweet Mary, junior, that damn Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical was scarier than that piece of crap! Hell, I've seen scarier crap in my toilet than that crap! Let me tell you something, private! Only Neil Gaiman is allowed to write stories about cats! Do you think you're Neil fucking Gaiman?" "Sir, the private requests permission to explain, sir!" "Oh, he does, does he? Then maybe he can explain why the private saw fit to write a scene with SCARED NATIVES AT AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL SITE! Jesus Hound-Dog Christ, boy! Do you think we're living in the goddamned 1930's? The teaser isn't ever over yet and you're pissing cliches all over my new boots!" "Sir, Spielberg uses scared natives in his movies, sir!" "I'm chewing out YOUR ass, dingleberry, not Spielberg's! Not only did you write a thoroughly half-assed script; not only did you create a monster to make people shit in their pants out of laughter; not only did you rely on fuck-head cliches; not only did you do squat in the field of character development, but you failed to ask the actors if any of them were allergic to cats!" "Sir, I wasn't aware of any, sir!" "Well, guess who has the sniffles, maggot? I'll give you three hints. She's red-haired, she's pretty and she gets top fucking billing!" Shiban quivered. "The rest of you will report to duty! Private Pussy and I are going to continue our chat..." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX