From: <conspiracy13@hotmail.com>
Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 22:48:34 PST
Subject: Glances
Source: xfc

Title: Glances
Author: conspiracy
Rated: PG-13 (Mulder uses the F word!)
Spoilers: Two Fathers/One Son, The Beginning, FTF, Triangle
key words: Mulder/Scully romance
Classification: VR
Summary: A reflection over the events of One Son, from Mulder's point of 
view.



I stood silent, letting the hot water poor over me, dripping down my body, 
sending chills up my spine as the cold air grasped for me through the 
scalding streams of clear liquid. I could feel Scully there, though about 10 
feet away from me and with a short metal wall between us. The water stopped 
and I walked over to her. She seemed slightly embarrassed, raising her hands 
cautiously to pull her wet hair behind her ears, her eyes looking in my 
direction as I approached. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help glancing 
down, over the small wall at her. She continued to stare at me somewhat 
embarrassed, but to my surprise, didn't shy away. And that was it. We left 
the shower and got dressed. That was it.

In the locker room she complained about Diana. She said that she didn't like 
her, didn't trust her. I was foolish then. I didn't believe Scully. I didn't 
believe the one person I had trusted and cared about more than anyone else 
on this earth over a spy, an old fling who came back into my life at just 
the right time. An old fling who I later found to have been flying all over 
Europe collecting data, working for the enemy. I didn't believe Scully, my 
partner, my friend, my... my Scully, over a woman who turned me in to 
protect "the work," a woman who was getting late night visits from a certain 
cigarette-smoking man who claimed to be looking for his son in her 
apartment, a woman who would betray me again and again, and who somehow 
forced me to give up on the one constant in my life for... nothing. For her, 
for Diana, for nothing.

I even told Scully not to make it personal. I, Fox Mulder, the man with the 
"quest," the man who has lived almost vicariously through his work for the 
past 6 years, told Scully, who has been abducted, lost her sister, lost the 
ability to have children all because of my quest, not to make it personal. 
God, I can be an asshole when I want to be. And all this over a woman. A 
woman who had been lying and pretending all this time, working for the very 
man I have wanted to kill for so long, the man who is responsible for 
everything done to Scully, to me. All this over one of his spies. It makes 
me sick.

I remember, looking at Scully in the shower, I looked back over the years of 
working with her. The years I had spent wishing that we could be something 
more than friends, that she would allow me to get close to her. And then it 
almost happened. In my apartment that night, when we were so close to the 
truth and she informed me that she was leaving. I couldn't bare the thought 
of her leaving. That's when I truly realized that I loved her, but I never 
got the chance to tell her; not in so many words. I tried to get through to 
her what she meant to me. I tried to say it, but the words weren't right, so 
I thought I'd let actions speak louder, but I never got the chance. I never 
got the chance.

Then things started to change. I got too caught up in my "quest" again. Of 
course I was justified in wanting to act quickly, but not in the way that I 
shut Scully off. I wasn't justified in letting my frustration come between 
us and letting myself trust that... that woman over her. I tried to 
compensate for my anger and frustration during that time by being extra open 
with her later on. I even told her that I loved her, and what was her 
reaction? "Oh brother." I realise I may have seemed delirious at the time, 
but I had expected at least... I don't know what I exspected.

I continued to try and be more open with her. At times I even found myself 
almost "flirting," but I never got any real response from her. I don't know 
what more I could have hoped for from Dana Scully. As I told her in the 
locker room, "You actually do a very good job of hiding your feelings." And 
then my hole world came crashing down on me. First all this with Cassandra 
Spender and the coming apocolypse, but I thought I could do something to 
stop that. I honestly thought that Scully and I could save the world. But I 
was a fool to think we could do anything ourselves. Which brings me to the 
decontamination shower I've been referring to.

Diana came to my apartment and quarantined me and Scully. Scully was right 
to be suspicious. Everything she said made sense, but I trusted Diana. I, in 
my fucked up view of things, couldn't see the truth, couldn't believe that 
my ex-girlfriend would do such a thing.

I guess it was that "ex" thing that stood in my way. We never actually did 
"break up," she just got transferred to Europe and we didn't exactly keep in 
touch. So I guess part of me was still in the mindset that she wasn't my ex, 
but rather my girlfriend, and somehow this mindset actually got me to give 
up on Scully. To tell her, whom I had admitted my love for just recently, 
not to make things too personal.

And then my world fell apart even further. I broke into Diana's apartment 
and met someone that I never expected, or at least wouldn't admit to myself 
that I expected to see there. And he told me his story. He gave me the 
answers to all those questions I had so desperately sought, and when he 
left, and Diana came, so shattered was my very existance that I clung to the 
one person whom I could still count on to some extent. The one person whom I 
hadn't told off or been told off by; Diana. And when she kissed me, I felt 
guilty. Despite everything, despite the way I had acted earlier on, when I 
kissed Diana, I remembered looking at Scully in the shower and seeing there 
what I had wanted for so many years, and I was disgusted at my behavior.

Though I still refused to believe then, I have since realised that I was 
wrong about Diana, that my judgement was clouded by my warped emotions. I 
now know that she was, in fact, working for those men I have been so eager 
to destroy. I now know that I love someone else more than I could have ever 
cared about her. And that person is Scully. I only hope she can forgive me.

END

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