HOLIDAY CONVERSATIONS: GOD REST YE WEARY ALIENS by Thalia D'Muse Summary: Snippets of conversations between our two favorite FBI agents as they stake out a UFO hot spot on Christmas Eve. Classification/Rating: VH, PG Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK. Mulder and Scully aren't mine. Big surprise. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox. Can I please move on now? Thank you. Archivists: I give permission for 'Holiday Conversations: God Rest Ye Weary Aliens' to be posted on the archives as long as my name, e-mail addy and intro remain intact. Spoilers/Warnings: No spoilers, but watch out for low-flying innuendoes. Author's Note: This little ditty is a mindless (but hopefully, humorous) piece of fluff dedicated to all of those poor X-Phile souls (like me) who have to work on Christmas Eve. Feedback: Hey, it's Christmas Eve, talk to me! Send all comments, questions, suggestions or Christmas cookie recipes to . HOLIDAY CONVERSATIONS: GOD REST YE WEARY ALIENS by Thalia D'Muse Obligatory rented Ford Taurus Bethlehem, PA December 24, 1996 11:48pm "Mulder, pass me the soy sauce, will you?" "You didn't say the magic word, Scully." "NOW!" "That's not the magic word." "MULDER!!" "Alright, alright! Are you always this cranky on Christmas Eve?" "Only when I have to spend it with you in a freezing car." "Well, G-woman, I know of one sure-fire way to turn up the heat in here. Care to join me in the back seat?" "Sure, Mulder, why not? I could use a good laugh right about now." "Ooooh, Scully. You wound me." "Not yet, but if you keep it up, I will!" "Oh, trust me, Scully. I have no problems 'keeping it up'." * * * * * * * * "OK, Mulder. You still haven't told me where we are and why we're here." "We're in Bethlehem." "Bethlehem?" "Yes, Bethlehem, as in 'O Little Town Of'." "Yeah, right. And I'm the Virgin Mary." "I didn't know you were still a virgin, Scully." "Mulder, I have chopsticks and I'm not afraid to use them." "Yowch! Splinters are the worst, especially *there*." "So I ask you again, oh great Wise Ass...er, I mean, Wise Man: Why are we in Bethlehem on Christmas Eve? And don't even *think* about using the words 'inn' or 'manger'." "I wouldn't dream of it, Scully. We're here to check out some UFO sightings. Four of them, to be exact, all within the last six hours." "Let me guess. Eight large antlered animals pulling a red sleigh filled with a fat guy in a red suit who goes by the name Kringle." "Droll, Scully. Very droll. No, these flashing lights in the sky had nothing to do with Rudolph's red nose." "No, but it probably has everything to do with the red noses of the drunken idiots who called in these sightings. I say we chalk this one up to an eggnog overdose and go home." "Scully, just because they saw lights in the sky doesn't mean they were intoxicated. Although most UFO sightings take place during the warmer months, sightings during the Christmas holiday are not uncommon." "Neither are drunken binges." "Scully, are you ever going to believe?" "Mulder, are you ever going to shut up?" * * * * * * * * "Mulder, we've been here for two hours and the only lights in the sky we've seen are stars. Can we *please* go home now?" "Come on, Scully. Where's your holiday spirit?" "It's back home in front of my fireplace, where I should be, sipping hot buttered rum and nibbling on a gingerbread man." "Oooh, Dana, I just got very turned on. I have this overwhelming urge to smother you in butter, sprinkle you with ginger and nibble on your..." "OK, that's it!" "Ouch! Hey! Watch where you put that chopstick, Scully!" "Sorry, Mulder, but I just had this overwhelming urge to give you a Christmas goose." THE END