Subject: NEW: Gone Away (1/1) By Jenn Clark From: "Peter Clark" Date: 24 Jun 97 09:11:48 GMT Author's notes!!! Ok, Here's my new story. I hope you all like it! It's a sequel to "Dear Mulder" which is another one of my stories (that I doubt any of you have read seeing as though I received next to no feedback about it. Ok, I'll stop winging now!) You don't have to read Dear Mulder to understand it so don't worry. If you do want to read "Dear Mulder" (yeah, right, like that's gonna happen!) you can e-mail me at Clarkfamily@onaustralia.com.au and I'll cheerfully send it to you! Oh yeah, by the way, Scully's dead so if you don't like that sort of thing, turn away now!!! I think that's it! I'd like to thank Hong Te for being such a wonderful editor! You're the greatest! Distribution: to anywhere and anyone as long as my name and e-mail stays attached!!! Spoilers: 4th season up to "Small Potatoes" (Safe for all Aussies to read) Archive notes: Category: V, A Rating: PG-13 Keywords: UST, Scully's dead. Summary: Sequel to "Dear Mulder". It's a year after Scully's death and Mulder visits her gravesite and does some thinking. oops! nearly forgot!!! Mulder, Scully and anyone else I've mentioned are not mine, they belong to CC, Fox and 1013. I'm sorry if I've upset them by writing this story. On with My story: By the way, I LOVE feedback. PLEASE send me some. Yeah, you reading this, I'm talking to you. Wouldn't it make you feel so good if you brighten my day with some feedback? You know it would!!! Time For the Story: Gone away By Jenn Clark Clarkfamily@onaustralia.com.au Mulder's car pulled up just meters from the gravestone. He climbed out of the car and froze, unable to move any further. In his mind was an image of a similar situation years ago. It was five months after her sister's death and they had finally caught the person who shot her, Luis Cardinal. Mulder had the unlucky job of telling her that Luis had died in jail. He remembered the solemn silence that hung in the air and felt awkward having to break that silence, especially with bad news. Mulder would never forget the haunted look on her face or the way the spring sunshine highlighted her auburn hair. That day Scully said something that had always stuck with him, that they bury the dead alive. He had always thought that to be true... A car drove past behind him. Lost in distant memories, he thought it was Scully. Snapping back into the real world, he realised it couldn't be possible. Mulder walked toward the grave stone and bent down and read the inscription: Here lays: Dana Katherine Scully Beloved daughter, sister and friend. 23rd February, 1964 - 15th September, 1997 "The truth will set you free"-John 8:32 Mulder couldn't believe that it had been a year. He was not only amazed at how quickly time had passed, but that he had lasted the whole year without her. He had coped, barely. He was still alive which was remarkable seeing as though he couldn't count how many times he had come close to over dosing on sleeping pills. He hated the dependence that he had formed, but found that it was the only way he could escape his nightmares. Nightmares, which had become increasingly worse since Scully's death. He thought that time would heal his wounds but it didn't. He still wouldn't believe that she was gone. Sometimes he felt as if he were trapped in a sick nightmare and was waiting to wake up. Mulder couldn't help but feel cheated. He knew that it wasn't her time. When she died, they were still so far away from finding the truth. Loosing Scully had done the one thing the Cigarette Smoking Man had wanted; it had made him reconsider his priorities. It made him wonder is his search for the truth was worth the price he had paid, worth the sacrifices he had undergone. He remembered what Scully said to him once. It was just after Agent Pendrell's death and not long after she had found out that she, too, was dying. She asked him weather all of the people that had been killed had died for the truth or the lies. He told her on that day that they were dying for the truth, but, he had to admit that he found it very hard to believe himself. Mulder felt as if fate had given him the shortest straw. Sometimes he felt like marching up to God and asking why all of these things happened to him, why everyone he had ever cared for had gone away. Some days he couldn't deal with all of the grief in his life. Some nights he would try and distract himself by watching his growing collection of porn videos and he had become quite well known with some of the local prostitutes. Nothing though, could keep his mind off Scully. Frequently, he cried himself to sleep. Some days he wished he could just give up and die. On those days, he found himself entrusting his ammunition to Byres just in case he decided to blow his head off in the middle of the night. Suicide seemed like a good way to end off the day sometimes. The day of Scully's funeral was one of those days. It was probably because that was the day when he realised that she was dead. Up until then he was in denial. Mulder thought that if he denied it enough, it might go away. It didn't help though. Mulder was all set to resign from the FBI that day, he even had the typed out letter to Skinner, waiting for delivery in his pocket, but a final gift from Scully; a letter, some pictures of the two of them and her gold cross; gave him the strength to continue. The X Files remained operational, though Mulder worked alone. Scully's cross gave him the renewed strength to continue searching, not only was his goal to find Samantha, but to avenge Scully's death. Mulder's fingers felt the tiny gold cross that hung around his neck. He loved the way it felt so cool and reassuring in his fingers. It was like carrying a little piece of Scully around with him. He thought fondly about what it stood for and what it meant to Scully. He had no doubts that her beliefs had led her to heaven. He knew that she was happy and free from pain but he couldn't help wishing that he could see her again. That he could look into her beautiful blue eyes, hear her soft caring voice. During the four and a half years they worked together, she had almost become a part of him. From the moment she walked into his basement office he knew that she wasn't just a spy, though he still wanted desperately not to trust her. She eventually warmed his heart and became the only one he trusted. He knew that Scully was one of a kind and that he'd never find anyone as special as her again. A cold wind blew across the cemetery, sending a chill down Mulder's spine. He looked down at the bunch of roses that he's been holding in his hand. Gently, he placed them next to her headstone. He wondered why he had bothered. It wasn't like she was going to see them, or that they would bring her back, which is the thing he had come to want most in the world. Sometimes he wished he could travel back in time and stop certain things from ever happening. Though he never wished he could stop Samantha's abduction. Somehow he knew that there was no stopping that, anyway. No, the things he wished he could change all had to do with Scully. Sometimes he wished he could travel back to the night she was abducted by Duane Barry and stop it from ever happening. He wished that it were him who turned up at her apartment with the red wine and good intentions, not Eddie. If only he told her then how he felt... It was useless counting all of the times he had a chance to tell her how he felt, but he let that chance slip through his fingers. If he thought about it too much, he knew he'd go crazy, but he couldn't help remembering... In the elevator in his building after he had 'returned from the dead' in New Mexico, he should have told her then, but instead, they rode in silence; In Donny Pfaster's house in Minneapolis. When he wept in his arms and he kissed her on top of her head; in the corridor in the Allentown hospital after Penny Northern's death... He hated himself for being so afraid. It wasn't like he was afraid of Scully's death or afraid of what his revelation would do to their relationship, he was afraid of something as childish as rejection. If only he had told her how he felt. If only he heard her reply. His rational mind kicked in: He realised that he could play "if only's" all day, but nothing would bring her back. He felt like screaming in frustration. "Dana!" he yelled, "Why Dana?" he started to break down in tears. Any passer-by would have thought that he was crazy. They would be right. Mulder was glad for a chance to let out some of the emotions that he had been keeping bottled up inside himself. He thought it would help, but he still felt as cold and empty as he usually did. With that thought, he started crying again. The tears eventually stopped, but Mulder was still shaking. He was shocked at the intensity of his emotions. The last time he was that frustrated must have been during the last few months of Scully's life. When she was slowly dying right in front of his eyes and there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say, that would help. He remembered his willingness to do anything to save her, including giving up his own life, but there was nothing he could do. When Scully had first found out that she had cancer, and was admitted to the hospital in Allentown, she had kept a journal. It was of thoughts and messages to Mulder. He remembered reading it once and there was one line that stuck out at him, "And thought we've travelled far together, this last distance must, necessarily, be travelled alone." He knew that this was true, but sometimes he was lacking in the courage he needed to face the journey alone. He had got himself used to, even addicted, to Scully's support and comfort that he was afraid he wouldn't cope without her. The last year had been a taste of reality. It was incredibly hard. Some times he'd be sitting in his office, expecting her to walk through the door as if nothing had happened. When the cane of reality eventually hit him, it hurt. Mulder remembered being on a case once and during their course of investigation, he underwent past life hypnotherapy. He found out that he and Scully were destined to be friends forever, reincarnating into different bodies but always the same souls, always Mulder and Scully. He knew that even though their friendship had been cut short in this lifetime, he hadn't seen the last of Dana Katherine Scully, and for that he was thankful. Realising that there was nothing left for him to do, he took one last look at Scully's gravestone, he turned his back and walked aimlessly back to his car. The End. I hope you liked! If not, PLEASE tell me why! The e-mail address is Clarkfamily@onaustralia.com.au "I don't LOVE them, I want to LOVE you" -Mulder "LOVE no-one" -Deep Throat "Mulder, you're the only one I LOVE" -Scully "Scully, you're the only one I LOVE" -Mulder The above quotes are care of the Mulder/Scully Love code. "There is no truth, these men just make it up as they go along," -Krycek "The truth will set you free" John 8:32 "I am the way, the TRUTH and the life..." John 14:6