From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 22 Feb 2002 18:48:10 -0000
Subject: Goodbye by Jessica
Source: direct

Reply To: j_rothen@yahoo.se


Title: Goodbye

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: MSR, S+other.

Spoiler: None.

Summary: Would you give up the love of your life?

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
 mistake may occur.

All I have ever wanted was to make her fall in love with me.
Maybe that's too much to ask but I have to believe that some
day she will come to her senses and see what's right in front
of her. I'm in love with her. I can't remember the times 
when I wasn't. I can't remember the time before her. I know
she is the one I have waited all my life for. I have never
believed in that there was someone out there just for me. I
thought it was just talk. I would have been content with 
just someone. But then she came into my life and changed 
everything. I have never been in love before or at least it
feels like all the others was just second best. 
Loneliness has always been apart of my life. It's like a 
shadow that keeps on following me around. I have never mind
being alone. I have actually liked it. It gives me time to 
think. But now everything has changed. I feel like a schoolboy
again. I count the minutes until I see her again. I know, I'm
a grown man, I shouldn't act like that. But I can't help it.
It's like a warm feeling around my heart and I love it. It 
feels like I can do anything. It feels like I can fly. 
Oh, I know it sounds silly but as I said I can't help it. I
have never felt like this.
Then Jack came into her life. He was a doctor and two years
younger than me. He was smart, good looking and nice. He was
talkative and warm. I wanted so desperately to hate him but I 
couldn't. When he came to the office to take her to lunch I
got to see how they were together. They were a beautiful 
couple and I could see in her eyes that she was falling for
this man. I wanted to warn her that she didn't know anything
about this man. I wanted to hold her back. I wanted to say 
something. But I couldn't do that to her. She was happy. She
was in love. I know I should have told her along time ago how
much I love her. But fear got in the way. I missed my chance.
I sometimes dream about taking her away from Jack. But I can't.
It's been three months now and I can see in her eyes how happy
she is. She's in love. Her eyes is like to shining stars and
she has gotten colour on those cheeks. During the first weeks
she talked about nothing than him. I was ready to kill myself.
But I knew I had to be there for her. We are friends and I 
don't want anything to change that. I can't say that seeing
her with him doesn't bother me. Oh, god, it does. The pain
when he touches her, kisses her, is so great that it feels like
someone is pushing a knife through my heart. But there's 
nothing I can do about it.
Then it came the day when I got my chance. I was home watching
a movie when she knocked at my door. She was standing there 
outside my door crying. I took her into my arms without
question and rapped her in blanket. She was shaking. When she
finally stopped crying I asked her why she was crying.
- He broke up with me...
I wanted so badly to be happy in that moment but as I saw the
pain in her eyes I couldn't.
- Why?
She was leaning her head against my chest and I put my
arms around her. It felt so good to hold her. It had been to
long.
- He said that he just wanted to see other people. Just like
that. 
I didn't know what to say. 
- You'll be all right.
- Oh, Mulder. I don't want to be all right. I want him.
- There will be others.
- Not like him.
I sat up, dried her eyes and said:
- He was so perfect. He was smart, funny and good-looking. He
made me laugh. 
- I know that you'll get over him someday.
- I don't know if I want to. I'm in love with him. I love
him.
Tears filled her eyes when she said:
- I gave him my heart and he gave me.... nothing...Maybe I was
a fool to believe that he could love me. Maybe I'm mad to 
believe that there is someone out there for me. I thought he
was the one. I'm a fool.
- Don't say that.
I wanted to take her into my arms but she slipped from my 
grasp. I wanted to say that I was the one. I wanted to tell 
her the truth. I wanted to kiss her and say that I love her.
But I couldn't.
She walked up to my window and stood there crying. I walked
up to her and rapped her in my arms.
- Listen to me, Scully. You are a wonderful woman. You have
a good heart. You are smart, nice and beautiful. Any man would
be a fool if they gave you up. 
In my head voices whispered to me to tell her what was in my
heart. But when she turned around and smiled at me with tears
in her eyes something inside of me knew that this wasn't
the time. 
- Thank you, Mulder.
Then she kissed me on the cheek. The touch of her lips on my
cheek made my mind blank and I leaned down and kissed her. She
didn't move away. She kissed me back. But as we broke the kiss
I felt that her heart wasn't in it. I looked into her eyes and
I knew that this wasn't the time or the place for us. 
I took her hand in mind and together we sat down on my sofa.
Sometimes during the early hours of the night she fell asleep
in my arms. I sat there all through the night holding her
fearing the morning.

Two days later he came to me. He was standing outside my door
looking pale. I wanted so badly to kick him out of my home but
I couldn't. I couldn't even hate him for the pain that he had
caused Scully. Oh, I know, I'm weak. I can't even dislike my
rival. 
But as he was standing there in my living room with sad eyes I
knew I had to be the bigger man here. 
- Why are you here, Jack?
- Have you heard?
- I know.
- Is she all right?
- That you would even ask that shows that how little you know
about her.
- I made a mistake. 
- Just like that. You have broken her heart. I should kill you.
I should....
- I love her. I never thought I could feel like this.
As I looked into his eyes I knew he was telling the truth.
I had lost. In that moment as stood there listening to him
my heart was shattered into millions of pieces. I was totally
broken.
- She's my one true love. I love her. I want her back. 
He had tears in his eyes. I wanted so badly to tell him some
lie that she would never forgive him. But I couldn't do that.
- She loves you to. 
I wanted to cry. 
- Where is she?
- She's at her mothers. Go to her. 
He was already at the door.
- And Jack...
He turned around and looked at me.
- Take care of her.
He smiled at me and said:
- I will.
Then he was gone.

That was two days ago. Now I'm standing here by my window 
while the dark is chasing away the light outside. I know
he's with her now. She called me and told me. I wanted 
to scream out load. But I remained calm and told a lie that 
I was glad everything was okay. What a lie! My heart is broken.
I can never win this. I'm alone again and there is nothing I
can do about it. I can't come between them. She loves him and
he loves her. She's happy. That's all I have ever wanted. 
I wish I had the strength to put this behind me. But I know
she is the love of my life. 
All the others would just be second best. 
The stars are coming out now. 
I'm alone.
I missed my chance.
This is letting go. 
I dry my eyes and whisper:
- Goodbye, my love.


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