From: SeXeETeAzZeE@aol.com
Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2002 16:21:13 EDT
Subject: my submission
Source: direct

Title: Goodbye
Author: Sasha
Email: SeXeETeAzZeE@aol.com
Category: MSR, angst.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Can Mulder go on without Scully?
Disclaimer: Sigh, they aren't mine. They 
belong to Chris Carter, 1013, Fox, and 
various other organizations. What else is 
there to say?

PART 1
NEW YORK PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
FRIDAY AFTERNOON

   As I went to stand next to her, I realized just how bad it was. The
disease has eaten away at her body as well as soul.  She looked pale
and as if death was near.  She didn't look like her normal, vivacious
self. I remember the times we had together, how much fun it was. We
would laugh and just enjoy ourselves. Even at work, I would say
something sarcastically, not even realizing it and she, instead of
looking at me like I'm stupid, she would laugh. She enjoyed my dry
humor and because of that, I didn't stop. She made me feel special and
like I was worth something, that I was someone in this world.
  I still couldn't believe that I was standing here, watching Scully
dying. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to think that it was
real, that after maybe today, she will be gone. I felt like my whole
world was crashing on top of me. Our quest for the truth of what
happened to her wouldn't be fulfilled unless I decide to do it alone,
but if I do then what meaning will it have? She will still be gone.
  As I was thinking all this, my eyes filled with tears. I didn't want
to let her go. I couldn't! I wouldn't! But, I knew that I could never
give up. Our quest was too important, and it will always be our quest.  
I couldn't stop searching. I had to finish what I, what we, started.
She wouldn't want me to give up.
  Suddenly, as I crashed back to reality, I realized that she was
trying to say something. I bent my head and put my ear to her mouth.  
" I love you." She said that so softly that I almost didn't hear it,
but I did. As my brain processed it I felt my heart go out to her. " I
love you too. I always have and always will." As I said this, I knew
that I could never give up. I had to find the truth of what happened
to her, I had to find out, and, maybe later, I would see her again.
 As I stood there holding her hand, I felt her life drain out of her.
She was fighting it, but I knew that her time was almost up.  I wanted
to yell and cry that it wasn't fair. I wanted to blame everyone. But,
I knew that I couldn't do anything about it. I had to accept it and
move on, but I knew that I would never forget it, never forget her.
 The little green line that measured her heartbeat was getting flatter
and shorter. I knew that if I didn't do this now then I might never do
it again. " I love you Scully. I love you so very much. I won't ever
forget you, I swear."
 At these words she took a deep breath, or as deep as she could, and I
knew that she was about to say something. She started talking: " I
want you to remember that I will always be with you, no matter where
you go. I will be in your heart and I will guide you. I know that I
have always tried to be strong, but now I realize that that was a
mistake on my part. Don't blame yourself. I should've let you in more.
I should've let you comfort me instead of trying to be strong, I know
now that that would have meant a lot to both of us. However, what's
done is done. I can't turn back time. I just hope that you will always
know that I have loved you since the very first day that I met you....
I'm scared Mulder. I don't want to die. I haven't done so many things
in life that I wanted to. I haven't accomplished many things. Why me?"
  Somewhere in the middle, I started to cry, especially at the last
words. She sounded so innocent and fragile. I wanted to protect her,
but I knew I couldn't. I wasn't there when she needed me, but now,
while she's lying on the bed, I'm here and that's all that matters.
She continued: " Don't blame yourself. We couldn't find a cure, but
that doesn't make it your fault. I really don't like your
self-destructive streak Mulder. Not everything is your fault, I hope
you realize that. But still, we will still have our quest, it will
always be ours. Remember that and never let go. Even though I must
leave physically I will never truly leave unless you forget me. Please
don't forget me. Even if I have to leave this world, I don't want to
be truly forgotten, as if I'm insignificant. I will have to say
goodbye now, Jonathan. I can feel like...like I'm floating away... My
body is giving up the battle, but I wont. Goodbye Mulder, Fox. Ill be
waiting."
  " Goodbye, Dana, goodbye"
  By the end, both of us were crying. But, after the last words have
been spoken her heartbeat grew flatter. I knew that this was the end.
She used up all her energy to tell me what she did. In between her
sentences, she took in shallow, raspy breaths. The very last thing she
said was- " The top drawer of my desk on the left side." And that was
the end. She closed her eyes and just lay there.  She looked peaceful
even though she was in excruciating pain. She stayed strong until the
very end. I love and admire her for that.


   When the doctors rushed in, they saw me kneeling next to her bed,
holding her hand, and the tears silently streaking down my cheeks.
They knew that she was gone, but they wanted to try to get her back. I
stopped them. They gave me a quizzical look, but all I said was that
she wouldn't want this. The doctors let go; now I had to let go. This
might be the hardest thing that I've ever had to do.  "Goodbye," I
whispered, and got to my feet.  As I backed out of the room, I kept my
eyes on her, as if maybe miraculously she might come back to me. Once
I was in the hallway, I turned and ran out of the hospital.
  In the bright sunshine I leaned against the wall and took a deep
breath. Only now did I realize just how tired I was. I haven't slept
for days, all I had was coffee. I closed my eyes, trying to calm my
heart, but not succeeding. All I saw was her lifeless form. I jerked
my eyes open and immediately squinted. But then I remembered what she
said. "Top drawer of my desk on the left side." I wonder what that
meant. I will have to find out. *Sigh* Ok, time to go, I thought. I
walked unto the sidewalk and headed towards my apartment. Time to
continue on with my life...