From: Alexis Stephens Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 15:01:08 GMT Subject: NEW: The Greatest Fear by Alexis Stephens The Greatest Fear by Alexis Stephens alexis_stephens@hotmail.com Disclaimer: They're not mine. Of course, I didn't really name any names, but you all know who we're talking about... Rating: PG Archive: Yes Summary: Mourning a loss ***WARNING*** Implied character death. The Greatest Fear by Alexis Stephens I cried for them all. All the men and women of my past, those I cared for, those I loved, those I had only recently met. Their deaths touched me in ways I understood, and tears were shed, appropriate tears for the person I'd lost--a sister, a former lover, an old friend, a new acquaintance. Yet you, the one closest to my heart--did I ever cry for you? I watched you die more times than I can remember, and I was there for you. I was strong. I saved you countless times, and yet...did I ever shed a tear? You revealed yourself to me in so many ways, and I walked away. Sometimes I would hold your hand, kiss your forehead, but the one time our lips met, I stood, unmoving, and allowed the familiarity, but no more. I told myself the affection I felt for you was that of a sister, that of a friend--a close friend, no doubt, one with whom I had shared life and death and loss and triumph--but still only a friend. You tried to get closer and I held you at arm's length. I thought I didn't love you. Now I know, when it's too late to tell you, and the tears can be shed, tears in privacy, tears of love and grief and shame--what I felt for you was so strong it frightened me. It wasn't the love of a sister for a brother, it was the fierce need of a woman for a man, a man the woman told herself would always be there, always be hers, always be within reach. If only I had reached for you, but I was so afraid. I didn't know at the time what I feared, but now it is with the crystal clarity of my tears, at last my tears, that I see. What I feared was this day. Was it only yesterday we laughed together? END