From math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!csn!nntp-xfer-1.csn.net!cbgw1.att.com!cbgw3.att.com!news.PBI.net!samba.rahul.net!rahul.net!a2i!hustle.rahul.net!rahul.net!a2i!news.clark.net!world1.bawave.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!hsno.wco.com!news. Mon Jul 8 09:42:02 1996 Article: 20940 of alt.tv.x-files.creative Path: math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!csn!nntp-xfer-1.csn.net!cbgw1.att.com!cbgw3.att.com!news.PBI.net!samba.rahul.net!rahul.net!a2i!hustle.rahul.net!rahul.net!a2i!news.clark.net!world1.bawave.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!hsno.wco.com!news.wco.com!regulus38.wco.com!user From: trustno1@wco.com (Taylor and Carol Ann Nelson) Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Greetings From Earth Date: Fri, 05 Jul 1996 12:59:24 -0800 Organization: Project Quantum Leap Lines: 418 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: regulus38.wco.com Status: RO Okay, it's been a big absence from fan-ficking, but I've been working on a huge (probably 3 parts) story and now I'm back to doing some smaller pieces before going back to a biggie. Hope I've been missed! Please Note that the idea for this story hit me before the season finale (they read my mind, I tell yooooou!!!). Credits: Thanks to my wife, Carol Ann, for thinking the story was a lot better than the idea sounded and thanks to Sandra Guzdek for helping me with the original idea and some description. Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. Full long one at the end. Extra: Send comments to trustno1@wco.com. Flames will be ignored as always. Hey, I may have been away, but I haven't changed! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Greetings From Earth by Taylor Nelson trustno1@wco.com ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Somewhere in Ohio Tuesday 10.13am "So if you simply harness the residual power of a black hole, shown here by 'p,' and channel it into a matter/anti-matter reaction chamber, designated 'r,' your result is sufficient power to escape Earth's gravitational well and cover interstellar distances in mere hours." The tall professor finished the last few touches on his equation with vigor and turned around, satisfied, to his class. A crowd of blank faces stared back. He was about to say something else, but was abruptly cut short by the bell. "Class, for tomorrow's lecture, take everything you know about physics and create a Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon. Remember, I want lots of boulders!" The Solomon Household That night. It was a sparklingly clear night, and choosing to spend a little time stargazing out on the roof of their house were four human beings -- or what appeared, on the surface, to be human beings. They sat side by side in various positions of repose, pondering the vastness of space which they had recently arrived from. There was an older man; the father figure, the leader, the high commander of this group. To his left sat a tall, voluptuous woman, a security commander who wasn't quite used to the idea of being a tall, voluptuous woman. To her left was an adolescent boy with a pony tail, the communications officer who got the short straw and wound up the child. And rounding out the row was a squnity-eyed male with a dark buzz cut, the filler for the empty seat one might say. But he had a purpose indeed. "So, how were everyone's days?" Dick asked. "Oh! Today I learned what Victoria's Secret is," said Sally. "Really," Dick replied with interest, "What is it?" Her voice dropped into a serious, authoritative tone, "I can't tell you that, Sir, or else I'd have to kill you. There's a strict code among females." "Ooooh, very shrewd," the squinty-eyed Harry commented, "Today I learned flower arrangement and line dancing on The Nashville Network." "Hah," Tommy boasted, "Today I got to dissect a Blatsplatter of the Twelfth Moon in school!" Dick's face exploded into shock, "A Blatsplatter of the Twelfth Moon! You mean they've beaten us to this planet?" "No, no, they call it a cow's eye here. It just looks like a Blatsplatter." It took a moment before they could react as daylight broke over them and then went dark again. The four pairs of eyes became wide in pure awe at the fireworks display that had appeared above them. A collective sigh emerged from their respective lips. Wednesday 11.21am Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder approached the looming figure of the college administration building. Scully particularly admired the use of red brick and the white, almost Roman, columns. It reminded her of the colonial homes so popular in D.C., Philadelphia, and parts of Virginia. Somewhere in her mind, there was a dream to own one of those someday. Mulder, however, was more engrossed in meeting the person who had called them out here and getting to the bottom of yet another case, maybe picking up some buckeyes for a friend in D.C. as well. "So Mulder, are you going to finally tell me why we've come out to Ohio on such short notice?" "Scully, last night more than a dozen people witnessed the landing of a UFO." "What makes this one so special?" "It was reported that the occupants were humanoid!" Scully sighed. There were some times, she had learned, where Fox Mulder was incorrigible. This was definitely one of them. "And were there any descriptions?" "Well, no. Not really. The majority of witnesses were at a frat party when it happened." "Oh god, Mulder. Why do I let you drag me out on these cases?" "Because you're afraid I might be right one of these days," he said popping a sunflower seed into his mouth. Sure, thought Scully, maybe they all saw a frisbee or someone managed to throw the beer keg across the backyard. The copper strands of her hair bounced softly as she shook her head in disbelief. Dick Solomon watched his office-mate look up at the door anxiously and then back to her paperwork. Her lovely face, framed by the oak paneling and artifacts hung on the wall, looked up towards the door three more times before her assistant Nina walked in. Dick watched them exchange greetings. He instantly pulled out a notebook and jotted something down. 'Apparently the female humans have a psychic link which lets them know when another is approaching. Very interesting! They must be much more evolved than we previously expected.' Dr. Mary Albright looked up at the door again. 'Where were those FBI agents? They said they'd be here as soon as they got into town.' There was a knock at the door. "Come in!" Mulder and Scully opened the door and walked in. Mary stood up and greeted the agents. "Hello. I'm Dr. Mary Albright. Thank you for coming on such short notice." "That's all right, Dr. Albright. Thank you for making time to see us," said Mulder. "Oh, no problem. It's not everyday the FBI shows up investigating aliens." On the other side of the room, Dr. Solomon's ears perked up and his eyes widened. This was time for some real High Commander action! "Aliens? Pah!" He got up and joined the others, announcing, "That's silly. Everyone knows there's no such thing as aliens." "Oh? And what makes you think that Doctor....," asked Mulder. "Solomon. Dr. Dick Solomon. Well, we as humans - by 'we' I mean all of us, not just you three - are the greatest race in the universe. Why should there be anyone else?" "Why, Dick, that's preposterous! The universe is endless, it's silly to think we're the only ones," Dr. Albright exclaimed. "Actually the universe ends after about sixteen billion light years and from there on it just isn't very interesting." Mulder and Scully looked at Dr. Solomon strangely. The professor began to stutter, "Um, well, so I've heard that is. Er, would you excuse me? I just remembered I left my, uh, heater on at home." "Your heater? But it's the middle of summer!" Mary said. "Yes. I didn't want the goldfish getting cold," he said hastily and rushed out the door. Mulder turned to Scully. "Maybe that's what I should do with my goldfish." The Solomon Residence Sally came trotting up the stairs to their loft to see Tommy and Harry zoned out in front of the TV. "Tommy, what are you doing home from school?" "Harry called and had me rush home. He said there was a message on its way from The Big Head." "The Big Head?" Sally turned to watch Harry anxiously, wishing the communications device in his head to activate simply by her staring at it. "Well, where is it?" "Oh, The Big Head put us on hold. His lunch went through him too quickly." "Ah," Sally nodded. "Oh, much better," The Big Head's clear, deep voice said through Harry, "Sorry to keep you waiting so long. Now, where was I? Oh yes, your Mission's been a total failure. Your replacements should be arriving shortly. That is all." Harry collapsed in his chair for a second before waking back up. "Wow, finally, I thought he'd never get done in there." Tommy and Sally both had blank looks of shock on their faces. "What?" asked Harry, "Did he tell you what he had for lunch?" Sally was about to break the bad news when Dick came rushing up the stairs. "Battle stations! The FBI's found out about us!" Everyone in the room screamed. "Dick, The Big Head just called, we're being replaced," said Sally. Everyone in the room screamed again. "Wait," Dick started as he composed himself, "As your High Commander I refuse you permission to panic just yet." "But Dick, what are we gonna do?" Tommy asked, his arms flailing about like a cat-of-nine-tails, "The FBI has found out about us, *and,* we're being replaced!" "We could amaze them with my knowledge of flower arrangement and line dancing," Harry volunteered from his chair, nodding slowly. "No, that would probably give us away if anything. What I propose is an accurate plan of intrigue and subterfuge. First, don't trust anyone." Sally, Tommy, and Harry gave each other suspicious looks. "*Except* each other. We know the truth is out there and we have to hide it from them. Second, our Mission isn't finished. We still have so much to discover about Earth. And finally, we cannot let our replacements succeed. It's every Solomon family for themselves here." "So let me see if I've got this right," said Tommy. "You're saying trust no one because we still haven't found what we're looking for and there can be only one." "Well, yes, but my way sounds much more dramatic. Now, until anyone shows up we must act normal. We are the Solomons, a friendly earth family who are *not* from outer space and know *nothing* about the UFO that landed last night." That evening, same place Sally walked out of her room clad in a red mini-skirt with a top that, for the most part, covered her ample cleavage. Dick looked up from his copy of the Fortean Times. "Sally, where are you going like that? You look so... so...." "Drop dead gorgeous!" Tommy exclaimed, dropping his grilled cheese sandwich as he came out of the kitchen. "Thanks," she said gushing, "Mr. Randell and I are going out on another date tonight." Dick noticed that Harry hadn't even batted an eye when Sally entered the room. "Harry, don't you have anything to say about Sally's dress?" Harry turned around slowly, "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round. Like a record, baby, right 'round 'round!" "What was that supposed to mean?" asked a dumbfounded Dick. Tommy pointed at the TV. "Oh, he's just watching 'The Big 80s' on VH-1." In the midst of their banter, a knock came at the door. "Oooh, that must be Mr. Randell. I'll get it." She made her way down the stairs and opened the door. Mulder couldn't believe his eyes. He looked at this incredibly voluptuous example of womanhood standing before him and felt the natural effects immediately. The enigmatic attraction of her face, the soft curve of her breasts, and those legs that went on forever! Part of him began praying desperately that neither of the beautiful women would notice his state. "Can I help you?" asked Sally. "Um, yes, I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is my partner Dana Scully. We're with the FBI." They both withdrew their badges and flipped them open to show the standard, slightly-better-than-the-DMV photos. A look of shock crossed Sally's face. "Would you excuse me for a moment?" As the door closed, they could hear the woman run back up the stairs. There was some talking and then a collective scream. "Wait, don't worry. I am your High Commander, I can handle this." Dick walked down the stairs, an air of authority surrounding him. He opened the door. "We don't want any. Come back Wednesday." And slammed it closed. Mulder turned to Scully. "I thought it *was* Wednesday." Dick returned upstairs with a triumphant look on his face. "So what did you tell them?" Sally asked. "Simply that we didn't want any and to come back Wednesday." "Oooh, that should outsmart them," Harry began. After some data processing, a candle flickered to life in his head, "Oh. No, wait, *today* is Wednesday." "Damn! Those cunning government agents!" There came another knock at the door. "Maybe they've left, Mulder." "How? It's an upstairs apartment." They stopped as they heard voices coming up from behind them. "Quick, Scully, behind the bushes." They ducked into the shrubbery in time to see Dick, Sally, Tommy, and Harry Solomon coming up the walkway. Mulder gasped, "Scully, tell me you're seeing what I'm seeing." Scully's jaw hung open for a second. "Oh my God, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "That we try to take over the world?" He watched her look of confusion. "Never mind. Yes, I am thinking what you are. The Eves." "But they look nothing like Sally Kendrick or the girls." "Perhaps they were like the Gregors. Or Samantha." He forced out the last part with a lump in his throat. Dick reached down and pulled a key out from under the flower pot and unlocked the front door. "Come on," he said. "Let's take care of these bumbling oafs!" "Come on, Scully, they might know what happened to Samantha." Mulder came out of the bushes and up to the door. "Mulder, there's no guarantee they know anything about your sister. For all we know, they could kill you as soon as you walk in there." "There's only one way to find out," he said pushing the door open. As they cautiously walked up the stairs, they could hear a din of argument. What they saw could have passed for a small convention in Twinsburg. Mulder, forcing a lovely fantasy out of his mind, watched the two Sallys argue. "Ha! You think you can just come in here and take over? You don't know the first thing about being a woman! Can you unlatch your bra?" "Of course I can! I made sure to get the ones that clasp in the front!" the alter-Sally boasted. Scully turned from watching two Tommys struggle over a *Betty and Veronica* comic book to two Harrys having what appeared to be a squinting contest. "You call that a coat? It's synthetic fur," the alter-Harry said. "Hey man," Harry began, "You can come in here, look like me, talk like me, but no one insults my coat! Cause I got nothing to fear but fear itself. I am not an animal, I am a human being!" "Everyone shut up!" the original Dick yelled, "I am still the current High Commander on this Mission and I have something to say!" The two Mission teams separated into their own groups. Mulder and Scully still stood unnoticed near the stairs. "When The Big Head sent us on this Mission, we had no idea how complex these humans were. They have feelings, intricate feelings. And emotions and egos and whole legacies. They love, they hurt, they hate, they make great bagels!" Dick continued to hold his audience's attention as he paced the room, "No, I say screw The Big Head. Replacing us will only lead to the discovery of the Mission. We have superior firepower and...will confound you with our knowledge of line dancing and flower arrangement." Harry nodded proudly. "So there." "Superior firepower?" asked the alter-Dick, "You hardly have superior intelligence!" Dick, the real one, spotted Mulder and Scully, "Oh yeah? Well we have the FBI on our side!" The alter-Solomons turned to see Mulder and Scully standing at the top of the stairs. It took a moment for the agents to process what Dick had said. They both withdrew their handguns. "Freeze! Federal Agents!" "Two agents? That's the best you can do?" the alter-Tommy asked. "No, actually we have a whole army of elite military specialists and a guy with a cigarette waiting outside to storm the building and take you all away for tests! You're surrounded, give it up!" Scully said, surprising even herself. A shriek came from the alter-Solomons. "You'll never take us alive, Copper," Dick said. Tommy opened his communications device, cleverly disguised as a Nintendo Game Boy. "Ship, scramble us out of here, pronto!" Everyone watched as their images distorted and flickered before blinking out of existence. Within seconds there was the sound of thunder as a bright flash enveloped the area. Sally blew out a sigh, "Wow. Good move, Dick. How did you know the FBI was on our side?" "He didn't," Mulder said as he and Scully joined in, "We originally came by because Dr. Albright said you lived in the vicinity of the sighting." "Ah, yes...well, please don't get the idea that we're really aliens from outer space.... We'd deny everything." "No, it's all right," said Mulder, "Where do you come from?" "We can't tell you," Dick responded. "What kind of ship brought you here?" "We can't tell you," said Sally. Mulder sighed, "Well what can you tell me?" "That your taste in neck ties suck!" said Tommy. "I think Mulder wants to know something about the universe in general," prompted Scully. "Oh, I can answer that," said Sally, "Those Zeta Reticulans...man, are they ever rude drivers!" "Seriously," Dick began, "The success of our Mission depends on your keeping quiet about us." "But you're proof - living proof - that intelligent beings exist and visit earth." "And have you seen what your people do with us when we're caught? I mean, you go so far as to broadcast it on television!" growled Sally. "Yes, I understand," said Mulder realising the real truth behind it all. "So you won't tell anyone about our Mission?" asked Dick. "You have our word," Scully promised. "Dr. Solomon?" came Mary's voice as she and Nina walked up the stairs. "Oh, Agents Mulder and Scully. Find anything more about the sighting?" she asked. Scully looked at Mulder for a second before answering. "From everything we've been able to gather, there's been no conclusive evidence of a UFO." "Oh," Mary said dejected, "So we weren't visited by aliens from another planet?" "Dr. Albright, *they* have been here for a long, long time," Mulder said echoing the words of an old friend. "See," said Nina, "I told you it was all the Frat party down the street. Enough beers and you think you'd be seeing double." "Drat. And all this time I was hoping I'd meet a romantic star fighter from another world who'd whisk me away in his ship." Dick's face immediately drooped into that of a whimpering puppy. "Why me?" he mouthed. Nina turned to her boss. "And all this time *I* thought you wanted an Italian." "Well, I do. But you never know, perhaps there are Italians on other worlds," she cracked a wicked grin, "Come on, Nina, let's go find a place that serves Cranberry Vodkas." Mulder more than Scully watched the pair of women leave. "Don't even think about it, Mulder." "Well," Tommy began, "that sure was a close one! I mean, we're almost replaced, Dr. Albright and her assistant almost find out about us, we make friends with the FBI...." "The FBI?" said Sally. The Solomons broke into fits of screaming. "Wait!" declared Dick, "I have a plan." Sally began to speak. "No, wait, I know...we can't liquefy them. I have a different plan." Mulder charged into their discussion. "Hey, wait a sec, we just helped save your butts! And now you're going to melt us or something?" "Oh, no, no, no. Nothing that simple," said Dick. "Yeah," said Harry, "We're going to strap you to chairs and force you to watch Bryant Gumble for hours on end." "No," screamed Scully, "Anyone but Bryant Gumble!" Tommy kicked Harry and sighed in frustration. "Please! As the communications expert, let me handle this." He walked up to Mulder and Scully holding out a Nintendo Game Boy. "Are you going to beam us aboard your ship?" asked Mulder. Tommy laughed. "Are you kidding? Who do you think I am, Scotty from Star Trek? I'm just going to wipe your minds of this whole experience." "No, wait, I finally get proof of the existence of extraterrestrial life and you're going to take it away from me?" begged Mulder. The Solomons turned to each other in discussion. Finally, they all turned to face the agents. "Yes!" they chorused. "Wait," said Sally, "There's one thing I need to do before you zap them, Tommy." She walked up to Mulder, grabbed him by the shoulders, and let into a deep kiss. "Ooooh," said Harry, "I have an idea." He walked up to Scully, ignoring the look of shock on her face, and gave her a huge kiss. "Harry." muttered Tommy. "Hey," he said breaking the kiss, "You have August." "Yeah, but I've hardly gotten to first base with her." "Tut, tut. Let's zap them and get it over with," said Dick. Sally and Harry stepped away from their respective kissees and Tommy aimed the Game Boy at them. "Hasta la vista, Babies." Thursday 6.42am The first thing Mulder felt was the uncomfortable metal of the car door behind his head. The next thing he felt was the soft red hair in his face. Scully murmured to herself, cuddling further into the arm around her. Hey, Dana, her mind said, why are you cuddled into Mulder's arm? The third thing Mulder felt was the sharp pain in his head from flinching back into the car door as Scully awoke with a scream. They looked at each other, both ready to ask how they found themselves propped up against their rental car in the middle of a corn field. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Full Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, FOX , and 1013 and I wish I had them so I'd be getting all the big bucks!! But I don't...oh well! The Solomons, Mary Albright, and anything else regarding "3rd Rock From the Sun" belong to NBC, and Carsey-Werner Productions. The Game Boy belongs to Nintendo. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Taylor nelsoN ###trustno1@wco.com### @@http://www.wco.com/~trustno1@@ Author, X-Phile, Whovian, Vintage VW Owner (1966 Beetle), Faultliner #1, BAXFEG, Dragon Posse, Eden Agent, Honorary LGW A, VVWCA:GGC "The hotel of your mind has many vacancies." -Yakko Warner *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~