Date: 14 May 1998 20:27:51 GMT From: Starbuk42 Subject: NEW: Grief and a Glimmer of Hope by M (MSR/UST) Title: Grief and a Glimmer of Hope Author: M (Starbuk42@aol.com) Rating: PG Category: MSR/UST Spoilers: A slight reference to the whole cancer arc (mainly "Memento Mori" and "ReduxII") and an even slighter reference to "Never Again." Summary: As much as Scully would like to believe she can handle the feelings that have been kept hidden for so long, she is mistaken. And that's where Mulder comes in. Archive: Gossamer and wherever else as long as my name and addy are attached, and if you could let me know, it would be nice. I guess you don't have to, but if you could, I'd appreciate it. Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and Mrs. Scully belong to CC, 1013 Productions, and the Fox Network. They are used without permission. This is for entertainment, not profit. Thanks: To Meghan, my great new editor, who really helped me a lot. And to Mike, another one of my editors. Thanks a lot guys. Feedback: All (good and bad, even to tell me that you read it) e-mail to Starbuk42@aol.com Enjoy! Grief and a Glimmer of Hope by M "Yes. I'd like to speak to a David Firestone. No. Look... no, I've been waiting for fifteen minutes. Yes. Right. No, wait, no! Wait, don't put me on...ugh...hold." Fox Mulder sighed into the phone. He tilted his head back in his chair and spun around to face the wall of his cluttered basement office. He sighed again and rested the receiver on his shoulder. Then, looking at his watch, he spun the chair back around. He groaned into the phone and stood up facing the door just as his partner, Dana Scully, walked in. In her hand she held a file which she displayed to him. Mulder questioned her with his eyes. "This is the file you requested on the strange kidnapping in Alabama," she said, her expression blank. "Although I'm not quite sure why you wanted it. The girl that was kidnapped has already been returned to her parents. She's perfectly fine, and her parents don't care how or why she was taken; they're just glad to have her back. Case closed," she said as she approached him. "Thank you," Mulder said. Scully wasn't quite sure if he was responding to her or to the phone, but her question was soon answered as Mulder said, "Yeah, great. Ok." He reached for the file and then stopped. "Yeah, but- No. Wait, don't- No. Don't put me on hold, again," he sighed as reached for the file again, not looking at Scully. As he did, his hand brushed against her breast, and he abruptly turned to look at her as his eyes widened a bit. He quickly grabbed the folder and without making eye contact said, "Uh, sorry." He felt a sensation, at that moment, that went straight to his pants. He hoped Scully didn't notice. If she did, he couldn't tell. "It's ok," she said softly as she turned from him and crossed to her 'area' of the office. Mulder quickly moved back behind his desk and sat down, feeling almost relieved. Scully sat down and began typing on her computer. Her expression was still blank, but Mulder thought he detected a hint of sadness in it. The hell with this, he thought as he hung up the phone. He opened the file Scully had given him and started to look over it, but he couldn't concentrate. He lifted his head and stared sympathetically at Scully. She was totally engrossed in her typing, and therefore did not notice him. She could concentrate on things so much better than he could, he realized. She just sat there with her eyebrow raised, typing away. "Hey, Scully, you ok?" She stopped typing but did not look at him, almost as if she was pondering his question. She then turned to him and said, "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Her response was almost cold. Then her expression softened. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "Thank you for your concern, Mulder; I appreciate it. But I'm alright. I'm just a little under the weather, that's all." She was lying. He knew it. She knew he knew it. She continued to stare at him as if thinking about something. "Ok," he said. He stared back at her with sad eyes that pleaded with her to tell him what was wrong. She turned her gaze back to her computer and continued typing. Mulder clenched his jaw and began reading the file again. Scully typed furiously on the keyboard, although what she was typing, she wasn't quite sure. She felt depressed and tired; much like she had during her cancer, but it wasn't quite as bad. She could think of no reason why she would feel that way. Nothing traumatizing had happened too recently. She just felt like falling down on the floor at that very moment and sobbing until she could sob no more. But she would never do that, especially in front of Mulder. She hated to cry because it made her feel vulnerable. Even showing emotion made her feel vulnerable. That was why people thought of her as cold. She remembered her mother telling her that if she kept all her feelings inside her and never let them surface, they would eventually become too much for her to handle. They would all resurface at once, and she would never be able to control them. "It's not healthy," her mother had warned her. Indeed it wasn't, she agreed. But she could not allow herself to let it all out, especially now. She was too stubborn to change. She would have to go on. She could handle it. She could handle anything. But she could not continue this way forever, despite what she thought. *** Scully opened the door slowly, only to be welcomed by the darkness inside her apartment. She sighed and trudged in sluggishly. Leaving the lights off, she set her purse and coat on the table behind the couch and walked about halfway to her bedroom before stopping. She felt so miserable, and she couldn't possibly eat anything. All she wanted to do was sleep. She was so tired. She slowly closed her eyes, and when she finally opened them, tears lined her lids and began to spill down her cheeks. Oh no, she thought. I can't do this. I can't do this, she mouthed. But it was too late. And before she knew it she was sobbing uncontrollably. She brought her hands to her face and somehow made it to the couch. She laid herself down and cried into a pillow. *** Mulder sat on his leather couch flipping through the channels on his television. A bag of sunflower seeds and a bottle of iced tea sat on the table in front of him. He turned the TV off and threw the remote across his apartment. He then brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes. I'm bored, he thought. Really bored. He had a nagging feeling, though. Something was bothering him. His eyes turned to the file Scully had given him. He'd brought it home to read. "Scully," he said. That's what was bothering him, or rather what was bothering her was what was bothering him. Well, he'd just confused himself. But it was really worrying him. He couldn't stand to see Scully upset, even if she wouldn't admit it. And that worried him even more. He had to know what was wrong. Not that she ever really told him anyway. He knew she needed to be in control and to not have to admit her problems to someone else. But sometimes he wished she would just swallow up her pride and tell him. He wouldn't think of her as weak. He would be grateful. He didn't have anyone else but her. And he loved her. He just wanted her to be happy, even if she didn't feel the same way. He rose from the couch and grabbed his leather jacket. He was going to find out what was wrong whether she wanted him to or not. *** He stood in front of her apartment door and checked his watch. It was 10:22 PM. He realized that there was no light coming from under her door. Maybe she was asleep, which wouldn't be unusual at this time. He didn't want to wake her. Maybe he should just talk to her tomorrow. He turned around and started back down the hall but stopped suddenly. Maybe I'll just check on her, he thought. It couldn't hurt. He walked back to her door and knocked twice. No answer. He knocked again, a little louder. Still no answer. Maybe she really is asleep. Or maybe something's wrong, he thought, his paranoia kicking in. I have to be sure she's okay. He pulled out her key and his gun (a safety precaution, he told himself) and opened her door. He stepped in slowly with his gun raised. He shut the door and let his eyes travel around the dark apartment until they rested on her small form. Fear gripped him as he saw her shaking. But that soon turned to sorrow as he realized she was crying. He set his gun and keys on the table and quickly moved to her. "Scully?" he said softly as he knelt down in front of her. She said nothing but continued to cry. He moved his head until he could see her face. She opened her eyes briefly, and as she did, tears began to cloud his eyes as well. He understood. He moved onto the couch and rested her sobbing form on his shoulder. He smoothed her wet hair back from her face and gently kissed her forehead. He sat there for some time, just holding her, as she weeped softly in his arms. Soon she quieted and her breathing became even. She was asleep. He laid them both down and grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch. Despite the sadness of the situation, Mulder felt a kind of joy, in that Scully had not rejected him, but rather accepted his comfort. They were progressing. And soon Mulder, too, fell asleep, content that he could make it all work out. End What'd ya think? I really want to know, *really.* E-mail me at Starbuk42@aol.com. Please?