From: Megan Kennedy Date: Sat, 10 Jul 1999 18:23:22 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Submissions Title: "Grievances" Author: Megan E. Kennedy Email: mekamorph@yahoo.com Rating: PG for some cursing Category: Humorous vingette-thing Keywords: None Spoilers: Just for my own fanfic. Summary: I get a late-night visit from some certain someones who are tired of my tampering. Disclaimer: The characters cited in this work aren't mine, but the titles ARE. Most of them are unfinished, but the following are and are available by request: "Idle Theme" "Ego Squared" "Conquerer Worm" "Why Don't You Have an Adventure, John Byers?" "Valentino's Eyes" and "Dialogue II: Krycek's Bleeding" as well as the rest of the "Dialogues" series. Of course, I know exactly what's going on in all the mentioned fanfics, so all you have to do is ask... Author's Notes: Ah, yet another Characters-yelling-at-the- author story. I felt inspired, considering some of the weird caa-caa I write about. I think these rants are justified. Not that I'm going to do anything about them... "Grievances" by Megan E. Kennedy I start awake in the computer room. "I gotta stop IMing Jennifer at this hour," I mumble, adjusting my ponytail. "Dad's gonna kill me." "No, WE ARE!" I jump. Was that really...? "No shit, Sherlock." I look at the computer monitor. On the screen, dodging icons, are my favorite playthings--Mulder, Scully, Spender, Krycek, Fowley and the Lone Gunmen. All were looking royally pissed off. "Uhm-hello?" I say uneasily. "Listen. honey, we've got some issues to discuss," Scully says hotly, earning an evil look from Fowley. "Issues?" I echo uneasily. "Yeah! Like that psycho hosebeast you sicced on me _AND_ Ol' Uniarm there-" Mulder begins. Scully kicks him. "Oh-you mean Monica Cavenaugh?" "No, Hillary Clinton," Spender says sourly. "When did you get to be such a jerk?" I ask coldly." "Let's see, about the third time you decided to bring me back from the dead. And Pendrell's got grievances, too." Spender kicks the RealAudio icon and sends it ricocheting around the screen. "I...wasn't aware you really minded," I say lamely. "Oh, we mind, WE MIND!" Frohike snarls. Langly and Byers restrain him. "For one thing, how come I'm always getting beaten up?" Krycek demands, stepping up on the toolbar. "Why not somebody else?" "I don't pick on you that much," I say in defense. "Oh no?" Krycek challenges. "Let's see, oh yes-" he grabs an icon and waves it vindictively at me. "'Ego Squared,' I get blown up twice, break a knuckle and have to kiss her." He gestures at Fowley. Fowley snorts. "Don't do me no favors." "Then-" Krycek continues, snapping out the My Computer icon into a window. "Then we have 'Past Tense,' where not only am I a vampire, but I'm apparently insane, and I get thrown across the room by Mulder. In 'Conquerer Worm' Captain Telephaty over there-" he gestures significantly to Mulder-"gets to play mind games with be. And 'Vengeance Trip-' Were you abused as an infant or something?!" Spender throws a folder at him. "You think I enjoyed that?" "Yes." I begin to panic. "You weren't the only one abused in 'Ego.' And as for 'Vengeance Trip-'" "I'd like to hear this one," Spender says, pushing the A: drive window out of his face. "Well, it seemed appropriate at the time," I finish weakly. "You didn't even get the Latin right," Mulder mutters. "And, uh, I don't think you were hurt in 'Dialogue II'-" "It was subtitled 'Krycek's Bleeding!'" he hollers, waving his prosthesis vindictively. "I started out shot, drugged, drunk and singing, and I fell off the car seat. Try again." "Eh..." I falter. "And what about 'See Alex Run,' eh?" Krycek demands. "Either that slash scene goes or I do." There is a long, uncomfortable pause. Mulder and Spender edge away from Krycek. "Oh, come on!" the Russian explodes. "I'm straight! I'm straight in all her fanfic!" "That's Jennifer's influence," I mutter. "And another thing!" Krycek barks. The Lone Gunmen have by this time wandered off; Mulder is dispatched for rescue. "This Jennifer chic-I don't know what she smokes or where the defect is, but you have got to stop listening to her. She hates me, I can feel it." "Then why'd she give you a relatively stable family and make her chat name 'Alexa Krycek?'" I ask. "Stalker, maybe?" Fowley offers. Mulder returns with the Lone Gunmen, who had nipped off into Netscape to look for dirty pictures while Krycek ranted. "Come to think of it, _I_ gave you a relatively stable family," I point out to Krycek. He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right. Three-no, four nutty cadavers, a militant housewife, a militant twelve-year old and an Anthropology major who also answers to the name 'Commune Chic,' that's a real nice family!" Krycek mutters. "Look," I say placatingly, "I do what I do because it works in the story." "Oh, so all those undeniably 'shippy moments are accidental?" Scully challenges. "I don't know what you're talking about," I lie. "For a self-proclaimed N, you're sure good at those, 'I need you, Scully' speeches," Mulder grumbles. "And more so-look at 'Valentino's Eyes,'" Scully suggests. "And what about us?" The Lone Gunmen holler in stereo. "What about you?" Fowley says quizzically. "You're never in half the stories." "Exactly!" Byers says. "And when we are it's totally retarded." "Like 'Alternate,'" Langly suggests, looking at the arrayed fanfic. "Right-o!" Krycek suddenly says, recovering from his sulk behind the Recycle Bin. "That's another time you beat me up! Like I would ever hack my own arm off with a Bowie knife, drugs or no!" "The Bowie knife reference is from 'Land of Oz,'" I correct him nervously. "And another!" "Look," Frohike says, edging Krycek out of the way. "Let's review your references to us. 'Alternate-' we're all idiots except for Byers here, but it's not really him 'cause of the alternate-universe thing." "'Poison Summer'," Byers names. "What the hell is up with that shredder scene?" "I'm not too please with that perversion myself," Fowley mutters. "God forbid you're exposed as evil, right Diana?" Mulder mutters. Both women kick him. "'Past Tense'-I do not like Funky Monkey!" Langly protests loudly. "Well, it was the only Ben & Jerry's flavor I could think of!" I argue. "Change it to Cherry Garcia and we'll talk," Langly says moodily. "'Why Don't You Have An Adventure, John Byers?'" Byers mutters. "Need I recite the list?" "And what the HELL is up with 'Idle Theme' and all the E:FC references?" Frohike demands. The other characters pick up on this and begin hollering all at once. "If I ever have to say Pooky again-" "-this magical ferret thing anyway-" "-ANOTHER time you abuse me!" "That clogs thing-" "- 'myself to the rats?' Really!" "Shut up!" I snap. They shut. "Continue." "What's up with bringing me back from the dead?" Spender demands. "You have a complex or something over it. I mean, there's three different resurrections stories and two in the afterlife, if you don't count the ones where I'm incidental to the plot! That's not normal!" "Well, would you rather be dead?" I ask pointedly. "In one I'm an idiot, in one I'm apparently a knockoff Paul Atreides, one I'm some psycho f*** who carves things in people's chests, one I have to hang around with Pendrell, and one I'm like Alice in flipping Wonderland. Yeah, pretty much!" "And you abused me again," Krycek mutters. "She didn't abuse you, she mocked you. Difference," Mulder points out. "Anything else?" I ask wearily. "Two words, sister," Fowley snaps. "'Much Ado.'" I have to wait for the babble to die down. "I only did it because I like you-" "Then what's with the boxers on the ceiling?!" Mulder demands. "-And because the scene in Vegas was too priceless to ignore." "As if. I would. Ever. Marry. That," Spender says pointedly. "At least you're getting some," I remind him. "And I have to make clumsy passes at the Ice Queen over there!" Scully snags the MSN icon and beans Spender neatly with it. "We could go on for days, woman," Mulder says. "I think you get the drift." "So what do you want me to do about it?" I ask helplessly. "For starters, be nicer to me!" Krycek yells. "Let me do the sh**-out-beating for once! In fact, let me go through a fanfic uninjured!" Byers confers with Langly and Frohike before saying, "Let us behave intelligently in a fanfic for once." "And take that hatchet scene out of 'Poison Summer!' You know, the sledgehammer, hatchet, and magnets?" Frohike adds. "And have us get some," Langly throws in. "Be less 'shippery for once," Mulder says, giving me puppy eyes. "And for God's sake, let me rest in peace!" Spender pleads. I pause. "And if I don't...?" Krycek gets an evil look on his face. "We erase your ISP software. And won't give it back until you comply." I crack my knuckles one at a time, like in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Then I look up at the expectant characters. "How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow?" I ask, moving the mouse. Fowley snatches the pointer, but I use the keyboard to open good ol' Notepad. "What are you going to do?" Mulder asks warily. I ignore him, contemplating my canvas. "'I feel like dancing!' Krycek sang out, doing an impromptu soft-shoe around the screen," I type quickly. "I feel like dancing!" Krycek cries in compliance, grimacing as his feet took off without him. "Hey! That's not fair!" Spender cries. "Life's not fair, Jeffie," I say nastily, letting my fingers fly. "'Mulder, kiss me! I'm yours!' Scully cried, leaping into Mulder's lap. They kissed the deep and passionate kiss of soulmates. "'Come, Dana my pet!' Mulder said lovingly, 'I know where we can be alone.' They climbed into the handy Corvette and rode off into the sunset." I am mildly surprised to see a 'Vette cross my screen as Mulder and Scully obeyed the Almighty Word Processor's command. They narrowly miss Krycek, who is still locked into his Fred Astaire routine. "You're going to pay for this!" he hollers. I write a gag over his mouth and make him grab Langly for a partner. "Alex isn't the only fiendish flunky around here who can erase hard drives," Fowley says darkly. "Fiendish? You've seen my sister's play!" I say, delighted with my own ingenuity. I quickly write Fowley's somber business suit into a negligee and stiletto heels. "Now, Slumtrimpet, let's see how you like being eaten!" Fowley-cum-Fiend is quickly chased off by some hastily- written cannibals, and also Jeff Lange. I'm not sure where he came from, but it's a welcome diversion. "What are you going to do to me?" Spender asks in a cowardly little voice. He's almost knocked over by Langly's trailing feet as Krycek unwillingly swings him around. "Oh, nothing much. Ever read 'Too Much Time?'" On cue, a thundering heard of polecats carry Spender away. I'm pleased with my writing of the situation. Byers and Frohike look around and wrest Langly away from the whirling Russian. "We'll just be going now, thanks," they mutter, stumbling off. I watch Krycek dance a little more, then close the notepad. I'm amused to find he's still dancing. "Couldn't you please stop me?" he wheezes, out of breath. "Oh, but you're so cute when you're sweaty," I say in a patronizing tone. "G'night, Alex." I start to shut down Windows. "What?" Krycek demands. "You're leaving me here?" He does a backflip onto the Windows icon while I laugh. "Please wait while your computer shuts down," I say aloud, reading off the screen. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't leave me here-!" Krycek's voice is suddenly cut off by my finger as I deactivate the monitor. "Ah, Alex, you dancing fool," I say affectionately. "Mock my fanfic, will you? I'll let you out tomorrow, maybe. Maybe not." My cackle echoes in the empty house, and I realize what Chris Carter must feel like every day.