********************************************************************* This author's e-mail address has changed to: rainydays@softhome.net ********************************************************************* From: =?iso-8859-1?q?Angharad=20Wade?= Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2002 13:37:34 +0000 (GMT) Subject: Guilt (1/1) by Angharad Source: direct TITLE: Guilt (1/1) AUTHOR: Angharad E-MAIL ADDRESS: sweet_roses_2000_uk@yahoo.co.uk DISTRIBUTION: No Archive. Story will be on my website at http://uk.geocities.com/little_corner_2000/ CATEGORY: Mulder POV, Angst, Post ep KEYWORDS: Implied MSR RATING: R for disturbing imagery - you've been warned SPOILERS: Pusher DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from the X Files; they are the property of Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. SUMMARY: Mulder thinks over his actions and explores the 'what if's'. AUTHOR'S NOTES: Much thanks to Kate for editing my story :) From the moment I said I was going in alone, I knew Scully didn't agree with me. She was the first one to understand what I was doing, why I was going in alone. I could read in her expression her worry, hidden with disappointment. We're supposed to protect each other's back, work as a team, we're partners - I could see those thoughts running through her head. Her normally clear blue eyes were clouded over with worry. My words come back to haunt me: "we stand a better chance if we're separated". I'm sorry Scully. I should have known... I sigh, running my hand through my hair. I'm in my apartment, sitting at the table. It's dark; I haven't bothered to turn the lights on. I've been sitting here since I got back from the hospital. My actions keep running through my head, as I think of what I could have done to spare Scully this pain. She won't admit it to me but I think she was hurt, shaken even. Hell I know she was. I dimly recall the tears glinting under the fluorescent lights as she stared at me, pleading me to put the gun down, not to shoot her. My beloved Scully... My thoughts turn back to the events, powerless, as the images run through my head, playing out the scenes relentlessly. I saw her watching me, looking despondent as the SWAT guy attached the bullet-proof vest and headset. I made a joke about getting the Playboy channel. When he finished, I walked over to her, bending down on one knee so we were almost eye level. I told her with a grin to smile because she was on camera but she just stared at me before looking away. Hey Scully, Don't let our personal feelings come into this, it'll be okay, I thought silently, frowning at her treatment toward me. I took out my gun, giving it to her, telling her that, "I wouldn't want to end up pointing it at anybody except Modell," when she told me to take it. Her beautiful face then, she looked so crest-fallen. She knew that I was referring to her if I ever needed backup. I felt her hands over mine, which were resting on her knees. We stared into each other's eyes for a long second, me trying to tell her that it'll be okay, her refusing to believe me. I broke the contact saying, "let's get this show on the road," walking away through the double doors. Now I wonder. She had never shown in public how she felt. Maybe she had a bad feeling about it. Good thing Skinner wasn't there, I think dryly. He would have worked out our relationship in a glance. But my thoughts are still drawn to the events; they won't rest until I've reached the end and gone over every possibility. Maybe I could have stopped Pusher from taking the headset off me. Then Scully would have known not to try and save my ass. But I know that she would have anyway even if she did know what he was doing to me. Miraculously what he did to hypnotise me is blacked out. There are no scenes running through my head for this part. No images to relive. No horrors for nightmares in the coming hours. Pain burns through me like fire as I remember the distraught tone of her voice, begging me to put the gun down- "Mulder, listen to me. Give me the gun. We can stop this thing right now. You and I can walk outside of this room..." "No! Damn you! You bastard! Mulder, hand me the g..." "Mulder, you don't have to do this. You're stronger than this." "Mulder, fight him. You can fight this." Somehow I managed to point the gun away from Scully and aim it at Pusher. What would have happened if I didn't? Would the gun have clicked? Or would I have heard the earth shattering gunshot and seen Scully fly back against the wall, slumping to the ground? Pooling around her, her rich blood and with each passing second, her life force slipping away? Knowing that I wouldn't be able to save her this time, from crossing the point of no return? Her eyes closed or her blue eyes staring out at me, full of the hurt of betrayal? I feel myself filling with anguish as my mind shows me the images. No, it hasn't happened! I protest at the images but they seem so real. Too real. Suddenly, the image of Scully holding my hand and saying, "I say we don't let him take up another minute of our time" plays in my mind and I feel myself slipping back into the realms of sanity. No longer filled with pain or anguish, but guilt. Guilt I can handle, I think bitterly, because I've lived with it all my life. I sigh; the images have finally stopped running through my head and I pick up the cell phone resting on the table where I dropped it, hitting the speed dial. Pacing around the dark room, I wait for Scully to pick up. "Hello?" "It's me." "Mulder. Are you ok?" "Sure Scully..." The End ===== A Little Corner - http://littlecorner.bravepages.com/index.html Visit my other X Files sites there too :)