From: "hawthorne" Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 16:53:11 -0500 Subject: Fw: new story: "The Gunmen gossip Page" Title: The Gunmen Gossip Page Author: Hawthorne Kessler Rating: PG Category: V,H, UST Feedback: Oh, yes, please!!! (hawthorne@usinternet.com) Archive: Yes Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me... no infringement intended. Summary: Mulder and Scully happen upon some very interesting "news" items in the Lone Gunmen's office Friday, 4:15pm The Lone Gunman Office "Tell me again why you feel it's necessary to do this," Byers asked Frohike. "It's relevant." "To what end?" Frohike shrugged. "For our own purposes. For future reference, if you will." Byers looked in askance to Langly, who was contentedly eating his slice of supreme garbage pizza with double anchovies. "Do you concur with the proposal in question?" "It would definitely serve a purpose," he answered. Byers sighed. "Okay, let's do it." Three hours later... "That was mildly impressive," Scully commented as Mulder picked the final lock and opened the door to the Gunmen's office. She stepped past him into the room and gasped. "Jesus, Mulder, have you ever noticed how much this place reeks of rotten fish and nacho cheese?" He grinned. "What can I say? The boys have eclectic tastes." "So where are they? What time did you say we'd be here?" Mulder walked around the techno clutter and shrugged. "I didn't call them. I just assumed they'd be here. They're always here." She began to leaf through some back issues of 'The Lone Gunman'. "This place is such a mess," she sighed. "Yeah, but it's got a certain style to it, you know? Kind of a chaotic, paranoid, fishy, nacho cheesy bouquet. Gid rid of the smell and you'd have the atmospheric equivalent of a Girl Scout meeting." She smiled and shuffled a few papers around, bored. Then a piece of paper caught her eye. "Mulder, come take a look at this." He stepped over to where she stood and took the sheet of paper from her hand. "What is it?" "I don't know," she answered, digging into the pile and finding several more sheets of paper. She laid them out on the table before them and they both read: THE MULDER/SCULLY SITUATION In an effort to gain further insight into the minds of Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, we will answer in all honesty the following questions to the very best of our knowledge. All answers will be duly noted for future reference. Question#1: Do you think Agent Mulder exhibits any homosexual tendencies? Byers: Not that I have ever noticed Langly: I think the possibility exists... he *did* notice Frohike's roomy pants Frohike: No, and I'll thank you to leave my pants out of this *In the interest of time, the names Byers, Langly and Frohike will be signified by the use of first initial only, per the requst of the recorder of these proceedings, Melvin Frohike Question #2: Do you think Agent Scully is a lesbian? B: No L: When was the last time you heard her comment on the cuteness factor of a guy's ass? F: Only if I can watch Question #3: Who do you think would win in a wrestling match: Agent Mulder or a super-sized alien life form? B: Super-sized alien life form L: Ditto F: Would Agent Scully be there, and would mud be involved? Question #4: Agent Mulder: Fashion pioneer or victim? B: Irrelevant question L: Pioneer, but lacking true substance F: Needs more bright colors Question #5: Is Agent Scully's hair really red? B: Yes L: In my opinion, it's a little *too* red F: I want definitive proof *Note for the record that Frohike requested the question be rephrased to: Is Agent Scully's hair that red all over? Question #6: Based on your knowledge of Agents Mulder's and Scully's professional life, how long would you estimate it's been since either of them has engaged in sexual relations with someone other than themselves? B: Mulder, five years, Scully, six L: Mulder, three years, two months, Scully, four years F: Mulder, four years, nine months, Scully, last night in my dreams Question #7: Do you think Mulder and Scully have ever had sexual relations with one another? B: No L: Pathetically, No F: No way... I'd know it if it happened... Question #8: Do you think they have ever kissed one another (Note that question 8 does not necessarily preclude question 7)? B: No, and I'd like to stress again the natural order of things when two people love one another. L: No, and give it a rest, Byers F: No way... I'd know if it happened... Question #9: Do you think the agents *want* to have sexual relations with one another? B: Yes L: It's so obvious! F: Yes, and it breaks my heart Question #10: On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you think each agent would rank in the sack? B: Based on the level of sexual friction that exists between the two of them, 8.5 is applicable to both L: Mulder, 7, Scully, 6.5 (using the difference in height to cause the .5 differential) F: As it would be unfair to compare Mulder with myself, I refrain from answering the first part of the question, and answer the second part with a resounding 11 Question #11: Where do you think the agents will be in five years' time? B: Still looking for the truth and exposing government secrets for the good of all Americans L: Mulder will figure the truth is moot and hole up in a shack somewhere with a biker chic named Candy, and Scully will become a spokesperson for L'Oreal hair products F: Mulder will have given me his video collection, and Scully will have become Mrs. Melvin Frohike End of questions... Mulder's eyes were watering form his attempts to keep from laughing. Scully's face was bright red from her rage. "I'll kill 'em!" Mulder groaned with a chuckle. "Those bastards!" Scully shrieked. "How dare they do this to us!" "Oh, Scully, calm down. You've gotta admit some of the questions were pretty... relevant." "Relevant? Relevant! What the hell are you talking about, Mulder?" "So, Scully... will you be keeping your name, or should I start calling you "Frohike"? Or how about, "Scully-Frohike"... Let's test it, shall we?" He walked away a few steps and turned back. "Hey, Scully-Frohike, come here a minute." He pursed his lips and shook his head. "Nah, it's a bit awkward, don't you agree? Too many syllables." She stared at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. "How can you joke about this? Don't you feel insulted? used? How are your homosexual tendencies doing lately?" "Hey, there was a certain degree of uncertainty in those answers." "God, Mulder, don't act flippant about this. I'm seriously pissed here!" "Is this because Langly only gave you a 6.5 in the sack? Jeez, I'd give you at least a 9!" "How dare they speculate about our love lives?" "Or lack of them," he muttered under his breath. "What business is it of theirs if we've kissed, or slept together, or even want to sleep together?" "Do you want to?" "Do I want to what?" "Kiss me. Or sleep with me?" Her tirade ended abruptly and her face froze, eyes wide, mouth open in shock. Mulder watched with interest as her face flushed a shade of red he had never seen before. "I!... That's!...oh! that's not the point!" "Sure it is," he insisted. "I think the reason you're so pissed is because the boys hit a bit too close to home on some of those questions." She turned to leave, very uncomfortable with the direction in which the conversation was going. "Scully," he said softly, gently grabbing her arm. She didn't turn back to him, so he lightly tugged her around to face him. "Scully, look at me... I'm sorry if you're upset, but I'm sure it wasn't done out of malice. I mean, look at the source." Her lips turned up in a rueful smile. "Don't be upset, okay? It bothers me, and then I get upset for you." "I'm fine, Mulder. I'm just... I don't know what I am exactly." She sighed and closed her eyes. "Maybe, for the sake of argument, I do want to kiss you." "For the sake of argument? Scully, I think we do enough arguing as it is." "We don't argue, Mulder. We disagree. There's a difference." He nodded with a grin. "It's that whole po-tay-toe/po-tah-toe thing again." She smiled at that, then drew in a shaky breath to prepare herself for what she was going to say next. "Okay, Mulder, I do want to kiss you." When he didn't respond, she looked at him suspiciously. "Well?" "I always knew between the three of them there lurked a brain." She huffed and turned to leave. "Dammit, Mulder, I knew this--" "No! No, Scully, don't... We can, you know. There's nothing stopping us, really..." "Okay. So?" "So what?" "I don't know." She rolled her eyes in amused exasperation. "As tempting as it sounds, Mulder, I'd rather it didn't happen here." He laughed. "You never know who might be watching. Well, anyway, the boys aren't showing up. Let's go back to the office and ponder whether or not Frohike will ever get laid in this lifetime and whether you think Langly still has all his own hair." "Do you think Byers has ever seen a girl naked?" "The odds aren't good, Scully." The Next Day Frohike turned the can of cheese upside down and let it stream into his mouth to mix with the chewed bits of tortilla chips. The computer at his right beeped indicating a message had come into their e-mail. "Hey, we've got an item here marked high priority!" he announced. The three men huddled around the screen and read: ******** For the record, it has been determined that Frohike will die without ever having tasted the bounty provided by Dana Scully's lips; Langly will go completely bald within the next two years, and in his later years insist everyone call him "Lord Manhammer"; Byers will overdose on Viagra while preparing for his first date in too long a time to admit... And Special Agents Mulder and Scully both rate 10's in the sack." Frohike sighed dejectedly. Langly pressed a protective hand to his head. Byers pursed his lips in chagrin. "It hasn't been that long," he protested. Frohike laughed humorlessly. "Do you even remember what a naked chic looks like? I've got pictures if you need a clue." "I'm not going bald, and Lord Manhammer is a god! Man, those two really suck." They sighed simultaneously. "We've got to get a better security system," Byers said. "The smell aversion technique isn't working anymore." "What if we threw some dirty socks into the fray?" Langly suggested. Frohike nodded in agreement, taking off his sock and dangling it between two fingers. "I'm right on it." end transmission author's notes: Thank you for reading this... I hope you laughed as hard reading as I did writing... I love feedback, so let me know if you liked this... Thora Kessler (hawthorne@usinternet.com)