From: big boots Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2003 18:30:12 -0000 Subject: Head 1/1 Source: atxc Title - Head 1/1 Author - Delicate One ( big.boots@virgin.net ) Rating - R for bad words Disclaimer - Does anyone do these anymore? Notes - Written as my first challenge fic for the Haven boards. Meant to be 500 words, but nowhere near and set post Pusher. Thanks to the board readers and to Sybil for the challenge! For Fi. Head 1/1 Intheheadintheheadintheheadinthehead.... The Kevlar would have been no use to her, you know. A useless protection against someone who should not be a threat. Fucking bastard. I hate myself for this, for what I so very VERY nearly did. Oh, I know, don't even bother to tell me - I cannot blame myself for this in any way, that piece of shit 'pushed' me, made me do it... Crap. I can usually put myself in their shoes and though I may not like them I can feel for them, can name their particular brand of evil. Jeeze, I can even empathize with them; you know what I'm talking about. It's part of the job. But not him. The bastard used me. I'm better than this - hell I thought I was better than him, stronger. A stupid mistake that nearly cost me every... Cost my partners life. He knew, you know. He went for a fucking Sunday stroll in my mind and he knew. Knew what would break me. The Russian roulette? Don't ask me how, but I'm sure he set that up, knew that the bullet was meant for her. Scully said she was frightened how easily I pulled the trigger on myself, she actually shared that with me. I wanted it to be me - I never told her this - but I wanted it to be me because I knew who was next and I knew I couldn't stop myself, couldn't stop pulling that trigger and... Her pretty brains out. "Blow her pretty brains out". That's what he said. "Do it Mulder - Blow her pretty brains out". Intheheadintheheadinthehead. I'd have done it too. Can you tell me how the hell I live with that? Can you? End