From scarlet.scully@home.com Fri Sep 15 11:14:13 2000 Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 04:50:43 GMT From: Scarlet Scully Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: REV: Healing (1/2) NC-17 Title: Healing, part 1/2 Author: Scarlet Scully Rating: NC-17: graphic description of rape Classification: SRA Spoilers: none Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance. Rape. Summary: Mulder is trying to comfort Scully after a difficult experience, but for some reason she is reminded of it every time they are together. Can they get through this? Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters here. They belong to Chris Carter and the folks at Ten Thirteen. Thanks for creating a world I can play in. Please send me any comments, good or bad. I'm new to fanfic and would love some input. Send all comments to scarlet.scully@home.com. Thanks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Healing (1/7) Scully felt her body sigh with the release of years of hidden emotions. In her mind's eye she could envision crumbled walls lying around her feet. And in her arms, to her amazement, was her partner, Fox Mulder. She didn't have to imagine it either. He was really there, his arms around her, his full lips pressed against hers, his tongue questing deep into her mouth. Too soon, for Scully, he pulled away from her, smiling slightly. She could feel herself smiling back. He placed his hands along her jaw line, tilting her face up slightly and he gazed into her eyes. She stared back, searching into the depths of his beautiful hazel eyes, reading the love she saw there. Knowing for the first time in 5 years that she wasn't imagining what she saw. He had confirmed all her suspicions, and dreams. Mulder leaned forward, gently pressing his lips against hers, so tenderly. She was about to open her mouth to him again, but before she could, he pulled away. "I should go home now, Scully." , her mind cried. Instead, she heard herself stammering, "it's not late yet. Couldn't you stay for a while longer?" He read the mixed emotions in the big blue eyes staring questioningly back at him, one of the predominant ones being disappointment, another being confusion. "Oh Scully, you know I'd like to stay a little while longer. In fact, I'd *love* to stay *alot* longer, but I really don't think I should." He could still see she didn't understand what he was trying to say. "I...I just think that this is really the start of something big...something meaningful. Shit, no matter how I say it, it sounds cheesy. What I'm trying to say is that the way I feel tonight...I'm so overwhelmed and relieved and in love with you and I don't know how much longer I could stay in the same room with you without ripping your clothes off." Scully's eyes opened wide with surprise and desire. "Scully, I want you so badly right now, but I don't think it's the right time. When I make love to you for the first time I want it to be special and, to be honest, right now I'm not even sure if I could make it 5 minutes, let alone memorable." He laughed. "Do you see what I'm trying to say?" Scully nodded, "you want to wait and you can't wait tonight." "Right. But don't get me wrong. I definitely don't have any prudishly long courtships in mind. I just don't want to have our first time like this...after a fight that led to us, well, admitting our feelings. I mean, I think you at least deserve dinner. Hell, I think I'm even willing to throw in a show." "Gee, Mulder, you sure do know how to let a girl know that she's special. Okay, I understand. I'm not saying I like it, but I understand." "Thanks, Scully," he said while standing and picking up his coat. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?" "You had better call me tomorrow. And don't forget to kiss me good-bye." Laughing, she put her arms around his neck and pulled herself close to him, kissing him passionately, almost desperately. She pressed her body against the length of his body, feeling the distinct presence of the very reason for his early departure. Feeling thrilled at the desire she inspired in him, she thrust her tongue into his mouth with more persistence, grinding her hips against him at the same time. This elicited a slight groan from Mulder and he ended the kiss, breathless. "Scully, what are you trying to do to me?" She smiled at him. "I just want to keep you interested." "Believe me, you have every bit of my attention." "Sweet dreams, Mulder." She blew him a kiss as he walked out the door, closing it behind him. She leaned back against the door and sighed. It had been fun teasing him, but now she really wished he had stayed. Scully wandered around her apartment for a while, not really knowing how to pass the time. She didn't feel at all tired and knew that sleep was still a distant prospect. She glanced at her computer, but felt too restless to sit and do work, or check her email, or even surf the net. She picked up the phone 3 times, turning it on and then off again before having actually dialed Mulder's number. She decided to go for a walk, not really having the energy for an all out run. Once changed into a pair of tights and a baggy sweatshirt, she laced up her running shoes. She was about to walk out the door, when she realized that she had no clue as to where she was headed. Hating to walk without a purpose, she decided to head towards the video store. That way, once her energy was spent, she could sit and relax in front of the TV. The night was quiet and a slight breeze ruffled the leaves of the trees on the street. She enjoyed the quiet and reveled in her own thoughts. She smiled at herself, realizing that she felt happy for the first time in a long time. All the bad memories -- Emily, cancer -- were behind her. She knew that if she dwelled on her happiness for too long, she could pick out holes where complications could arise. She chose to ignore them however, letting the knowledge that she was loved by the man that she loved surround her in a blanket of bliss. Still encompassed in her happiness, Scully left the video store, almost humming aloud. She had rented "Sabrina", a love story that she had seen before but wanted to see again to keep the feeling of euphoria that she felt now. Her thoughts drifted to Mulder as she began the short walk home. In her mind, she could see his sensuous smile, the one he smiled when he was really happy. He had a devilish grin too that was sexy in its own way, but she loved his smile. She could see him passionately arguing some point and almost lost her breath trying to imagine how passionate he would be while making love. She was lost in her thoughts of him, remembering that stubborn hair that would never stay where it was supposed to stay, and the gentle pressure of his hand at the small of her back as he guided her along some hallway. Suddenly, she felt the pressure against her back. Realizing she was only a little more than a block from home, she thought Mulder must have come back and saw her walking up the street. She smiled and was about to turn back to look up at him, when the pressure against her back increased. "Keep walkin', bitch and don't even think of turnin' to look at me." The voice was gruff and definitely not Mulder's. She thought briefly of her gun, but then remembered she didn't have it with her. If she had, this man's hand would be directly above it, making it inaccessible anyway. Before she could think of a way to escape, the man's other hand came around in front of her, wielding a fairly large knife. "Turn in here," he ordered. At the same time guiding her into the alley with the hand placed at the small of her back. Wary of the knife, Scully numbly turned into the alley, only to find herself facing 3 other men. It was dark, and she couldn't make out any of their features. she scolded herself. The first man moved the knife from her stomach and pushed her forward roughly. She took the opportunity to swing her bag at the side of his head and take off past him, back in the direction they came. The hit didn't faze him though and he grabbed her wrist before she got away. Yanking her back roughly by her arm, he swung her around until she felt her whole body slam against the brick wall of the building. Her entire body was in pain, but a sharper, distinct pain was registering in her shoulder. Before she could move again, she felt a pair of hands grasp her wrists, holding them securely while she felt the cold of the blade against her skin followed by the tearing of fabric. She screamed wordlessly, in fear, in pain and in anger. The attacker holding her wrists had caused new waves of agony to emanate from her shoulder and she realized that the sound of tearing fabric was an attempt at removing her clothes. At the sound of her cries, her attackers turned her around and she found herself with her back against the wall and staring into the face of a man of average height, with short, dark hair and a goatee. Before she could look at the others, the knife was pressed against her cheek. "Another sound and you bleed. Got it?" Her cries died to a whimper in response to the cool metal pressed into her skin. She felt hands at her waist tugging at the remains of her pants until they caught at her ankles. More sounds of fabric tearing and then the hands were pulling her sweater over her head, moving her arms and causing her to cry out in agony again. "I warned you, bitch." And the knife, which had briefly left her face to remove her clothes, was once again pressed into her cheek. Only now, it sliced downwards causing her to scream again. She was thrown to the ground and she tried to get up. A foot slammed into her ribs, followed by a crunching sound. Scully found herself flipped onto her back, hands on her wrists and over her mouth. Then, to her horror she felt the body push between her legs and then felt the man thrusting inside her, stretching her to the point of tearing. She had closed her eyes and could no longer see anything. Her senses were assaulted with pain from numerous sources and her ears were filled with the sounds of her own muffled cries and the grunts from the man inside her. The first man pulled out from inside her and she felt her body forced over so she was lying on her stomach. Then there was another man inside her, or maybe it was the same one. She didn't know. Her arms were pulled above her head and her face was shoved into the gravel of the alley. She could taste blood mingled with dirt from the ground. Then, the second man pulled out, allowing a third man to enter. Some part of her mind was still working and she felt reduced pressure as the men switched positions. From some reservoir, she gathered the strength to get up and start running. The body slammed her into the ground again. "Not yet, little lady. We're not finished yet." She started screaming again. Then the knife was in front of her eyes again. "Now, what did I say about that?" Her cries faded to whimpers again. "Good girl. But you shouldn't have tried to get away. I'm gonna have to punish you for that." Scully started yelling for help. His fist slammed into her face. Then there were hands all over her body and fingers holding her head by her hair. She was on her stomach again, face shoved into the ground. Then a man was thrusting into her, only it was the wrong place. She cried out in pain, begging them to stop. The third man pulled himself from her ass and she kicked back at him, furious, no longer thinking clearly. There were more kicks to the ribs and she was definitely having a hard time breathing. The last man forced his way inside her, thrusting deeply, causing her to scream in agony with each thrust. After he finished, she was dragged to her feet by her hair and pushed back against the wall. "You're not gonna tell anyone, are ya?" She shook her head vehemently, causing her to feel nauseous. "Good, cause if you were gonna, I'd have to kill ya, now wouldn't I?" She nodded her agreement. He pushed his lips against her bloody lips, then let her body drop to the ground as he ran off after the others. Scully lay there for a long time not knowing what to do besides acknowledging that she was still alive and conscious. Both were strongly indicated by the waves of agony overtaking her ravaged body. Eventually, her mind processed that she was naked in an alley and she was overcome with the need to go home. Somehow, she managed to pick herself and her scattered belongings up off the ground. Clutching her clothes protectively to her body, she carried them and the bag from the video store home. Fumbling with her keys, she let herself into her apartment. She felt numb and some part of her mind signaled that she was going into shock. However, that part of her mind was no longer in control and was quickly dismissed. Once home, Scully felt the need to clean herself up. She didn't want to soil her home with the terror of what had just happened to her. She turned the shower on full blast and steaming hot. She stood under the water's spray, allowing the heat to assault her body as the men had previously. Suddenly, her mind was overcome with images of the attack and she fell to the tub bottom and curled up into a protective ball, crying softly. -------------------------------------- End of Part One --------------------------------------------------- Healing (2/7) Mulder was sitting at home, vaguely trying to occupy his restless mind and body, dribbling a basketball and trying not to think of Scully. Giving up, he picked up the phone and dialed her number, glancing at the clock. He smirked, imagining the raised eyebrow she'd give his explanation. "Hi, this is Dana. I'm not available right now. Leave a brief message and I'll return your call as soon as possible. Bye. ... Beep." Mulder grimaced at the phone. "Hey Scully, it's me. Pick up if you're there. ... Okay, I guess not. I'll call you later." He hung up. He picked up the basketball again, a bad feeling in his stomach. Giving up on the basketball, he sat on the couch and started flipping through the channels. Still, the gnawing feeling at the back of his mind would not go away. He didn't know what he would say to her when she came home, but he knew he had to go. He wouldn't sleep tonight until he saw her. Mulder arrived at Scully's building surprised to find her car in the parking lot. he thought to himself. He started to dial her number on his cell phone, but changed his mind. Reaching her apartment, he knocked softly at her door. After a couple of minutes, he knocked again, a little louder. Getting worried, he fished his keys out of his pocket, finding the key to her apartment. He was about to unlock the door with the key when the handle turned under his hand. He opened the door, rushing into the room and nearly tripping over her clothes at the door. He surveyed the heap of clothing, her keys and the bag from the video store, all lying on the floor. The sound of water running was coming from the bathroom and confused, he headed in that direction. "Scully, it's me. You left the door unlocked. Uhmm..." He hesitated in the hallway as he realized the bathroom door was open. "Scully, are you okay?" He strained to hear her, anything, but couldn't hear any sounds over the water running. His worry was taking over again. "Scully, if you don't say something soon I'm going to keep on walking right into that bathroom," he threatened jokingly. Still no response. He hesitantly took the last few steps to the bathroom door and turned the corner and stopped, frozen by the scene before him. Scully's naked body huddled in her bathtub, its skin reddened by the water assaulting it. Bruises were beginning to show on her wrists, the side of her body and her face. Blood was streaming from a jagged cut on her cheek and there were countless small cuts on her back. As he moved nearer, he could see blood pooling beneath her hunched over frame and running down the drain. She was still wearing her shoes and there were remnants of clothing around her ankles. Mulder knelt beside the bathtub, "oh, Sculleee..." She didn't turn to acknowledge his presence, but just stared dully at the tiles in front of her. He could hear her breath catch each time she inhaled. He reached out and pulled her against his chest. "Scully, what happened? Who did this to you?" His voice was a hoarse whisper, but she heard him. "Mulder?" she whispered and then tears started flowing down her cheeks. The strength of her tears increased from silent weeping to gut-wrenching sobs, making her breathing even more difficult. Still holding her battered form, Mulder pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing 911. "Scully, I have to get you to a hospital, okay?" Then, after a short pause, he spoke into the phone: "I need an ambulance right away. Federal agent down -" His voice broke on the last words and tears started streaming down his face. He took a long, steadying breath and continued to give the operator all the pertinent information, angry at the time it was taking away from his tending to Scully. All along, he held Scully as her tears slowly abated, but her breathing was still coming in harsh gasps. "What the hell is taking them so long!?" His voice was louder than he had intended, but he was worried. Scully whimpered after hearing the loud words. In a softer voice, he spoke to her, stroking her hair. "Scully, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with you, what needs to be fixed. You're not supposed to get hurt, that's my job because you know how to fix me up. I'm going to turn the water off now, okay?" No response. "Let's get you into some clothes before the ambulance gets here." He reached over for a towel. She hadn't moved and in fact was still leaning against his chest. Mulder draped the towel across her shoulders. "I'm just going to the other room to get you some clothes." He started to get up, but then Scully grabbed the front of his jacket and screamed: "NOOO!" Her body was wracked with sobs and her breaths were so short she was near hyperventilation. Mulder quickly knelt back down. "Okay, okay. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay right here. I won't leave, I promise." He continued whispering soothingly, while stroking her hair. Her sobs slowed, while her breathing continued to worsen. "Come on, Scully. Just hang on a little longer." Her head slumped against his chest, hanging low. "Scully?" He lifted her head, expecting to see her dull, staring eyes, but they were closed. "Scully?" He shook her, but she didn't respond. His hand shaking, he felt for a pulse, hoping. It was there. He breathed a sigh of relief. Then he cursed the slow ambulance again. Lifting her unconscious form from the bathtub, he rose, carrying her into the bedroom, intent on covering her somewhat before the ambulance arrived. ----------------------------------------End of Part Two----------------------------------------------- Healing (3/7) He was in the hallway when he heard the banging on the door. He carried Scully with him to the door, maneuvering to open it while still holding her. Paramedics waited for him at the other side. He laid her on the stretcher and one paramedic checked her vital signs, while the other asked him what had happened. Looking at the floor and her belongings thrown in a pile on the floor. He told them what he knew, which was little. "I found her in the shower, like this. These might be the clothes she had been wearing. I don't know. She was having a hard time breathing. She just lost consciousness. I was going to cover her up when you guys came." The first paramedic nodded to the second. "We're ready to go." "Can I ride with her? I, uh, promised I wouldn't leave her." "Yeah, sure. But you should bring those clothes to the hospital. They're evidence." Mulder nodded and quickly went to the kitchen, bringing back a garbage bag and stuffing the clothes in it. He followed the paramedics down to the waiting ambulance. He held Scully's hand while the paramedics tended to her injuries as much as they could during the short ride to the hospital. Arriving at the hospital, despite Mulder's arguments, he was forced to wait outside the examining room while various medical staff passed through the doors. He chased along beside her as they transferred her to an operating room, berating the doctors, demanding information about her condition. The doctors quietly deferred his questions, leaving him alone and in the dark again. Soon after Scully was transferred for surgery, the local PD arrived to question Mulder. "We understand that you are the one who found Ms. Scully, is that correct?" Mulder nodded his confirmation. "She's your partner, right?" Another nod. "What were you doing at her apartment at that time of night, sir?" "I was going to check on her. I called and she didn't answer. I was worried." Mulder's voice, when he answered held a tinge of anger. He was tired of being kept in the dark about Scully's status and he didn't need this jerk questioning his motives for going to her apartment. "It just seems odd that you were calling your partner so late on a Friday night." "Listen!" He was yelling now. "We don't go off duty after our shift is done like you lazy slobs do. Besides, if I hadn't gone there, it would have been much later before anybody found her. What would've happened then?" Tears threatened at the edge of eyes as Mulder contemplated all the possible answers to his question. "Okay, okay, take it easy." the questioning officer thought to himself. "Let's just have you describe what you saw when you found her." Mulder described in exacting detail the events at Scully's apartment, his eidetic memory preserving the surroundings perfectly. The image of Scully's battered body huddled in her shower had been burned permanently into his memory, haunting him each time he closed his eyes. "Can we see her clothes?" Mulder pointed at the garbage bag on the floor at his feet and the officer handed them over to his partner. "Too bad she was in the shower. She washed away all the evidence from the rape." Mulder cringed at the admission. He didn't want to believe that his Scully had been violated in such a way, but the facts clearly indicated that she had been. Apparently, so had the medical exam, if the police were assuming she was raped without having interviewed her. The officer's partner, sorting quickly through the contents of the bag, held up a video tape and looked at Mulder questioningly. "I guess she had gone to rent a movie. She must've walked, there's a store not too far from her place." He hesitated, his voice haunted. "It must've happened on her way home." "Okay, thanks. Let's head over there and see if we can find anything." The officers were about to leave when Mulder stopped them. "I want every scrap of evidence you find sent to the bureau. I'll be heading up an investigation of my own." "Agent Mulder, if you don't mind my saying, I think your personal involvement in this case would influence your judgment. Besides, this really isn't in your jurisdiction." "Actually, I do mind. And personal cases are my specialty. Make sure you send everything 'attention to Assistant Director Skinner'. He'll make sure it gets to me safely." With that said, Mulder stormed off in the direction of the nurses' station to try, again, to get an update on Scully's status. ----------------------------------------End of Part Three---------------------------------------------- Healing (4/7) Mulder sat at Scully's bedside, holding her hand, quietly begging her to open her beautiful eyes. She had torn and stretched most of the ligaments in her left shoulder, broken four ribs, one of which had punctured her left lung. She had eight stitches in the cut on her left cheek and countless bruises all about her face and arms. Mulder was sure there were more bruises staining her body where it lay hidden beneath the blanket and hospital gown. He was also certain that her body held evidence of the rape through injuries that the doctors felt uncomfortable discussing with him, not knowing the exact nature of their relationship. Mulder hadn't called Mrs. Scully yet. He didn't want to call her in the middle of the night and he didn't want to call her until Scully woke up. He needed the comfort of Maggie Scully more than Scully would when she woke up, but he wouldn't allow himself the luxury of that comfort. Tears fell unheeded down Mulder's face. "I'm sorry, Scully. I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll catch the bastard that did this to you and I'll make him pay. Oh Sculleeee, I'm so so so sorry." He buried his face in the sheets next to her hand, sobbing uncontrollably. After several minutes, Mulder gained control of his tears. He kissed the back of her hand and squeezed it gently. Almost a minute later, he felt a gentle pressure returned. "Scully?" A soft moan escaped her lips and her eyes fluttered open. "Come on, Scully, that's it. Just open those beautiful eyes. Wake up, Scully. I'm here for you. I didn't leave you. It's okay now. You're safe." "Mulder? Oh, Mulder. No, no. I thought it was you, Mulder. I didn't run away. I couldn't get away." Her words were whispers and tears streamed down her face. "Shh, Scully. Let me go get the doctor." He gently stroked the side of her face, wiping away the tears. "I'll be right back." Mulder hurried into the hallway to let the doctors know that she had woken up. Her words haunted him. She thought it was him. What did she mean by that? She didn't think he would do something like this to her, did she? While the doctors were in examining Scully, Mulder called Mrs. Scully. He managed to tell her everything that he knew without breaking down. He grimaced at the thought, closing his eyes. The picture of Scully huddled in her shower flashed into his mind. He quickly opened his eyes, banishing the image back to his subconscious. Maybe the VCS hadn't tainted his mind that much yet. He readied himself outside Scully's door, then entered quietly. A woman was seated on the edge of her bed, looking intently at Scully as she spoke softly. Scully noticed him entering the room. "Mulder, you're back." Her voice was tinged with relief. He moved to the opposite side of the bed and reached for her hand. He immediately pulled back. He was now forced to her injured side and moving her hand would undoubtedly cause her pain. The woman, he noticed, was a nurse. Apparently, she had been detailing the nature of Scully's injuries. Thankfully, he had missed the more intimate details and she was just finishing up, telling her that once they felt her lungs had healed sufficiently, she would be released from the hospital. Mulder smiled to himself. As much as she berated him, she too, didn't enjoy lengthy hospital stays. The nurse continued, "We just need to take some blood and test you for any sexually transmitted diseases. Also, the doctor prescribed the morning after pill. Here's your first set." Scully nodded her consent for the tests, but refused the pills. "I, uh, I can't have children." A slow tear escaped and traced a path down her cheek. "Scully," Mulder broke into the discussion. "We don't know that for sure. You haven't actually been trying to get pregnant since you found out." "Mulder, all the others were sterile." "But, there's no need to take a chance that you're wrong. There's no harm in taking the pills." He looked at the nurse for confirmation. She was confused by their discussion, but nodded her agreement. Scully took the pills and the nurse left the room, only to return almost immediately with a needle. Once the blood sample was retrieved, she left again. Mulder winced as she took the sample, not so much from the sight of the needle, but what it represented. Scully's ordeal was far from over. First she had to physically recover from her injuries and then start the lengthy emotional healing process. And through it all, there always stood the chance that the incident could come back to haunt in the form of some untreatable disease, like AIDS. "Mulder, come sit on this side of the bed. I don't want you looking at my bad side." She managed a faint smile as she spoke. He moved, happy to once again hold her hand. Mrs. Scully arrived shortly after and Mulder was ordered home to get some rest. It was now well into the afternoon, but Mulder opted to go to the office instead. He contacted the local PD to see how the investigation was proceeding. "Agent Mulder, I'm afraid we didn't find too much. There was evidence of a struggle in an alley between your partner's home and the video store. We found blood at the scene and some pieces of fabric. There's not much to go on." "What do you mean 'there's not much to go on'? You just said you found..." "I know what we found, Agent Mulder, but the blood is probably your partner's. We're running tests right now. The fabric matches the fabric of her clothes. The only evidence found at that scene is evidence that your partner was there." Mulder sighed in frustration. "Well, what about her clothes? Did you check them yet?" "We have an evidence team working on the clothes right now. They're isolating hair and fiber samples along with anything else they might find. I'm getting a preliminary report ready for you as we speak, so if you don't mind..." Mulder grunted a goodbye and hung up the phone in disgust. After a quick shower and change of clothes, he returned to the hospital. He arrived only to find that the local police were interviewing Scully. Angry that his partner's emotional well-being had been ignored and that he was not informed of the man's intent to interview his partner, Mulder entered the room without knocking. Scully paused in her statement. She was in the middle of describing the only man she could visually identify. Tears were streaming down her face. "Mulder..." "Agent Mulder, we're trying to get a statement from Ms. Scully." "And I'm involved in this investigation. You should have told me of your plans to come here and I would've been here from the beginning." He moved to Scully's side. She reached for his hand, grateful for the strength it generated in her. She hesitated still, uncomfortable in relating the story to Mulder. She knew he would be a part of the investigation and she knew he would read her statement, but all those things were different then actually speaking the words in front of him, admitting it to him. Taking a deep breath, she continued: "Then I was turned back around and my pants were cut off of me. They pulled my sweater off and I screamed from the pain, the pain in my shoulder. He turned me around then, that's when he cut my face." She continued further to describe, in sparing detail the repeated rape by, apparently more than one man. Mulder held her hand while listening to her, his other hand clenching and unclenching repeatedly. His anger with the bastards responsible coursed through him like a living beast. "Thank you Ms. Scully. We'll be back soon with some mug shots for you to look at." The detective shot a disapproving look in Mulder's direction and then left. Mulder sat on the chair beside her, stroking her hair, kissing her forehead. Eventually, his attempts to comfort her succeeded and her tears abated. ------------------------------------------End of Part Four---------------------------------------------------- Continued in Part 2. -- "Dear Diary: My heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested Spontaneous Human Combustion." From scarlet.scully@home.com Fri Sep 15 11:14:34 2000 Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 04:52:04 GMT From: Scarlet Scully Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: REV: Healing (2/2) NC-17 Title: Healing (2/2) Rating: NC-17 - Rape Disclaimers, etc. in part 1 Healing (5/7) Mulder walked quickly up the stairs to Scully's apartment. It had been several weeks since the rape had taken place. Scully was to return to work the next day despite Mulder's protests that it was too soon. She had only been released from the hospital a few days ago. Their plans for the night were for leisure, not work. Mulder had picked up a movie on the way over. Knocking quietly at her door, Mulder heard her muffled voice and then the sound of the door unlocking. "It's me, Scully," he reassured her and she opened the door to let him in. The bruises and scratches had faded from her face, but she still bore a livid scar along her left cheek. She hadn't yet made an appointment with the plastic surgeon to have it repaired. Her left arm was still in a sling, her shoulder more injured than originally believed. She had physical therapy sessions scheduled starting next week. Despite Mulder's advice, Scully had refused to speak with a therapist or to attend any type of group therapy. She seemed determined to be strong and to heal herself without help from anyone else. "Mulder, you're late. The food is already starting to get cold." Her voice and manner were light and he chose to match her mood. "Scully, you cooked. You shouldn't have." They laughed together as they started opening the containers of Chinese food. "So, what took you so long?" "I stopped to get a movie. And I'm not telling you which one. It's a surprise." He quickly moved into the living room, hiding the case and putting the tape into the VCR. Although, at times like this, it felt as if he and Scully were an old married couple, their relationship hadn't progressed any further from that first day when they kissed. He had chosen not to push their relationship, waiting for her to indicate that she was ready. Scully smiled at Mulder as he worked at hiding his surprise in the living room. At times like this, when she felt normal, she wanted to walk over to him, throw her arms around him and kiss him as she did the last time they kissed. But she was unsure of herself, and of him. Clearly, he was waiting for her to be ready for more intimate contact. But maybe he was afraid too. Maybe he thought she was as soiled as she felt. Maybe he was waiting, as she waited, to see if she suffered from some terrible virus. Her initial test results had come back negative, but it would be another four or five months before she could be certain that there wasn't any infection. Maybe he thought making love to her wasn't worth risking his life. Unable to answer her questions, Scully returned to piling food onto the two plates. Mulder returned, grabbing two pops from the fridge and they settled down on the couch. Pressing play on the VCR, Mulder checked to make sure she was feigning as much anticipation and excitement as she could. The title of the movie appeared on the screen. "Sphere?!? Mulder, this is about aliens. I'm not supposed to start work until tomorrow." "Consider it as a warm up. You've been out of the alien business for awhile now." After they had finished eating, Scully curled up closer to Mulder, pulling his arms around her. They sat this way for the rest of the movie. Scully found that today Mulder's arms made her feel safe. Some other days, they made her feel trapped, but today was a good day. The movie ended and the hour was late, so Mulder announced that he should leave. Walking him to the door, so she could both show him out and she could lock herself in, Scully waited while he donned his shoes and coat. At the door, before he left, Scully kissed him chastely on the cheek before saying good-bye. she agreed with her earlier thoughts and then headed off to sleep. ----------------------------End of Part Five--------------------------------------------- Healing (6/7) Scully arrived for work the next morning and quickly headed for the safety of their basement office. She could feel the eyes of each employee follow her as she passed them, hurrying further down the hall. She knew the worst of her injuries had healed, but she still bore a scar on her left cheek and her arm in a sling. She hated that they knew what had happened to her. It made her feel vulnerable and weakened in their eyes. Her back defiantly straight, she got on the elevator, not allowing herself to relax despite the absence of others. She walked into the office, breathing a sigh of relief. Mulder handed her a cup of coffee. "You okay, Scully?" His concern for her spread across his features. "Yeah, I'm fine..." She stopped herself in the midst of her usual response to these questions. "I just felt like everyone was staring at me. I wish I brought a lunch so I could just stay down here all day." With that said, she flopped into her chair, ignoring her computer and simply enjoying her cup of coffee. "Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you Scully, but we're due in Skinner's office in about 5 minutes." "What does he want now?" Scully could hear herself whining, but couldn't find the control to stop. "I just came back to work and we're already getting hauled up there. What did you do, Mulder?" Mulder caught a hint of smile in her eyes and relaxed. "I think he wants to talk to you. You know, make sure you really are ready to come back to work." "Oh." Scully took a final gulp of her coffee and rose from her prone position. "Let's get this over with." Mulder could sense his partner stealing herself against the inevitable looks she would receive, once again, and admired her courage. He was angered at his colleagues who were so insensitive to his partner's situation. The elevator doors opened and he found himself glaring angrily back at the many faces looking in their direction. Stepping forward, Mulder placed his hand at the small of Scully's back, guiding her towards Skinner's office. Scully was stiff under his touch and he silently cursed the people staring at them, thinking they had caused her uneasiness. To each of the onlookers however, it was plain to them, from the expression on her face and the rigid movements of her body, that she was terrified. The complete terror overtaking her body the moment her partner placed his hand on her back. Scully's mind reeled. She found herself frantically planning an escape. Then there was a knife and she numbly allowed herself to be directed by the hand at her back. Images flashed through her mind at breakneck speed. The sound of his grunting and moaning. His hot breath on her neck. The cool metal against her face. Tears flooded her eyes. She closed her eyes to hide her fear, opening them to find herself in front of Skinner's door. The hand was still at her back. She realized fully then where she was and what she was doing. The hand at her back belonged to her partner and not one of the men that had raped her. She took a long, steadying breath. Mulder looked down at her, eyes searching her face. "Are you okay?" "I, uh, just need a minute." She hurried off before he could respond, fleeing into the washroom. Thankful that the room was empty, she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red-rimmed as if she had been crying. She splashed cold water on her face. Patting at it gently, careful not to remove the makeup she had applied in a vague attempt to disguise her scars. Trying to regain her composure, she took several deep breaths, leaning her back against the door for support. She took a last steadying breath and opened the door. She found Mulder waiting for her at the door to Skinner's office. He searched her face, eyes questioning, his hand reaching out to her. Scully found herself backing away from his touch. "I'm fine Mulder." She tried not to notice the disappointment that crossed his features. Mulder gazed at his partner as she pulled away from him. He had expected her to reveal her feelings to him, as she had earlier this morning, as she had ever since the rape. She was pulling away from him emotionally as well as physically. Neither was healthy for her. Neither helped the healing process. In Skinner's office, Scully's return to work was questioned. After assuring him that she was ready to return to work, he handed her a file. At first, Scully was shocked that they had been assigned a case so soon. She had hoped to return and get caught up on paperwork before heading into the field. About to speak, she looked at the file fully for the first time. It wasn't an X-File. Opening it, she realized it was her file, the file on her rape. "Agent Scully, I thought you would like to be updated on the status of your case, unless Agent Mulder has been keeping you informed." Scully tripped over her words as they tumbled out of her mouth. Both men stared at her as she failed at her attempt at coherent speech. Neither had seen her struggle with her words before. Mulder spoke up, to save her. "No, sir, actually I haven't been updating her. In all honesty, there hasn't been much to update." Scully found her ability to speak, her head still buried in the file. "There's nothing here. No physical evidence, no leads, no suspects?" Her voice was low, but still betrayed the disbelief she felt. "The only suspects were in the line up I saw two weeks ago." She looked up to face the two men at that time. Each acutely feeling that they had terribly let down the woman before them. She took a deep breath at that moment, making a decision. "I don't think, sir, that you should waste anymore manpower on this case. I inadvertently destroyed all the evidence and it's fairly obvious that we aren't going to catch any of the men involved. I'm not sure I wanted to endure a lengthy trial anyway." Scully's admission of defeat crushed Mulder's heart. He found the anger inside him building uncontrollably. Not only was his infallible partner admitting defeat, but he could no longer keep his promise to her. He couldn't make those men pay for what they had done. Skinner agreed to respect Scully's wishes and the agents were dismissed. Mulder hovered close to his partner, hoping to protect her from any further anguish as they left the office. Thankfully, he found that most of the agents had the sense to not follow their path again. He gently guided her to the elevator, finding her body rigid beneath his protective touch. Scully was numbed by the returned presence of the pressure at the small of her back. She continually reminded herself that it was Mulder's hand and he wouldn't harm her, but she couldn't keep the images at bay. Her mind was assaulted with the sights and sounds from that night. She again followed the direction indicated by the hand at her back, numb to her surroundings. Mulder lead his partner into their office, her feet stumbling hesitantly as he gently pushed her forward. Once inside, he turned her to face him. "Scully are you sure you're okay?" She responded with a whimper and her eyes didn't seem to focus on him. Scully's subconscious had won the battle against her conscious mind. She found herself lost in the world of that terrible night. Her attacker forced her into the alley, turning her to face him. She felt her shoulders shake. There was a knife, her clothes were being torn form her body. Her body was forced to the ground. She wanted to cry out, but she knew she couldn't. He'd hurt her again. She whimpered in fear. "Scully. Scully, can you hear me? What's wrong? Scully?" Mulder was frantically trying to snap his partner out of the trance she seemed to have fallen into. He continued to repeat her name, hoping she would respond to her voice. "Dana, please talk to me." Her eyes focused on him then. She looked down at his hands on her arms and pulled away, fear plastered across her features. Slowly, she took in her surroundings and then, before Mulder could say another word, she bolted from the room. Fleeing into the nearby washroom, Scully sank to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest with her good arm. Images from the attack mingled with her conscious thought. "Scully? Can I come in? Please." When she didn't answer, Mulder opened the door slowly and was confronted by his partner's huddled form on the floor. He stopped there, frozen by the similarity she now shared with the picture engraved in his mind. "Oh, Scully," he paused. Tears formed in his eyes. He couldn't find any words to comfort her. He took a step forward and noticed her flinch on his approach. Pausing a moment, he continued to her, kneeling before her. Slowly, he reached his hand towards her face. She pressed her back into the wall, pulling as far away from him as she could. "Scully, please. I won't hurt you, you know that." Lightly, his fingertip brushed against her cheek, tracing a path to her chin. Gently, he forced her eyes to meet his. Tears flowed anew from both pairs of eyes. He felt her relax slightly. "Mulder. Hold me please." Her voice was desperate, pleading. He gathered her body in his arms and carried her to their office. She wept silently on his shoulder, while he cried into her hair. After some time, she brushed the tears from her face. Rising from his lap, she straightened her clothes and smoothed her hair. She looked at him and felt as if she were seeing him for the first time that day. She brushed a lock of hair from his forehead. "I'm going home," she stated quietly. "Tell Skinner to call me there if he needs me for anything." "Are you okay to drive? Do you want me to drive you?" Mulder wanted to ask to go with her, but didn't want to infringe on her space. "No, I'm fine. Maybe you can come by later with some dinner. I'll probably want some company then." -----------------------------------End of Part Six-------------------------------------------------------- Healing (7/7) Scully grabbed her keys, the decision firmly planted in her mind. She had finally gained control of the images flooding her conscious mind. There was one memory, one of very few, that she felt she could control. Most of the circumstances surrounding her rape were beyond her control. She chose to eliminate the opportunity for those images to take over her conscious mind. She wanted to feel strong and in control of her life again. She wanted to forget the person she had now become: the weak, vulnerable woman who was afraid of a man's touch. She no longer wanted to be herself. Standing in the bathroom with her purchase from the drugstore, she set to work. Scissors held deftly in her hand, she held up the first chunk of hair. The blades closed, severing the length near to her scalp. She continued determinably, pausing only once to find a mirror. After she finished with the hairs at the back of her head, she stopped to inspect her work. The red hairs were little more than a couple of inches long and those were the longest pieces. There was a haphazard suggestion to the style that she had tried to control, but having no experience, failed. She had managed to keep it shorter at the sides and back than on the top, but other than that fact, there was no general trend to the style. Scully stared at her reflection a little longer before proceeding with her transformation. She pulled the bottle of dye out of the box. "Platinum Blonde" was the description of the shade on the box. She liberally dribbled the contents over her now-shortened hair. After half an hour and a hot shower, Scully emerged from the bathroom. She removed the towel from her hair and looked at the stranger in the reflection from the bedroom mirror. She knew that were she ever faced with her attackers again, they wouldn't be able to identify her. She felt safer and smiled back at her reflection. Quickly, she tousled the locks with her fingers and laughed aloud. The messiness of the style meant that she didn't have to work hard to style it. Less than a minute and she was finished. She changed quickly into an old pair of scrubs and a v-neck t-shirt. She headed for the kitchen when a knock came at the door. Looking out the peephole she found her partner, laden with bags, on the other side. She opened the door to let him in, only to be faced with an odd expression from him. "Aren't you going to come in?" "Uh, yeah, sure." Recovering his composure, Mulder walked into Scully's apartment, heading for the kitchen. "It's kind of early for dinner, isn't it?" "Yeah, well, I thought I'd cook for you for a change." Mulder put the last of the bags on the kitchen counter. "Scully, what happened?" Mulder blurted the question out, unable to avoid it any longer. "What do you mean, Mulder?" "Your hair, Scully! What happened to your hair?" "Oh, you noticed." Scully waved, nonchalantly. "I needed a little change." "A *little* change," Mulder choked. "I'd say you got more than just a little change." "Well...do you like it?" Mulder looked at the woman that bore almost no resemblance to the woman he worked closely with for the last five years. Her casual attire was in stark contrast to the usual pantsuits she wore, her hair was almost as short as his, and *it was blonde*. He had fallen in love with the old Scully. He still loved the woman before him. "It's different," he hesitated, while looking at the sides and back of her head. "If I ever get used to it, I think I'll like it." "You don't like it!?!" "Well, it's not that Scully. It's just that I didn't expect it. I mean, it's short. And it's blonde. And it doesn't look anything like you, or like you used to because it is *still* you. Give me a chance Scully. I'm trying to be honest here." Exasperated, he turned back to the bags on the counter. The psychologist's part of Mulder's mind recognized that Scully's transformation was a direct result of her assault. The path Scully was following was a dangerous one often traveled by victims of violent crimes. She was creating a new persona, walking away from the old, weaker one. She was constructing a second personality to prevent having to deal with the horrors that had happened to the first one. He recognized that she needed to talk to someone, anyone soon, before she was too far down the path to head back. Scully quietly stood next to Mulder, helping unload the groceries, impressed by the myriad of fresh vegetables he had collected. "Mulder, I didn't think you could name this many vegetables, let alone cook something with them all together." She hoped her teasing manner would lighten the mood. She didn't want to be serious. She didn't want to talk about serious things. She wanted to forget for tonight. Mulder only grunted a response, his mind still turning over thoughts of Scully's recent actions. "Sooo, what are we having for dinner?" "Thai chicken stir fry," Mulder stated blankly. Regretting the tone of his voice, he cheerfully added: "And you thought all I was good for was coffee." "Sounds good, but didn't we have Chinese last night?" "Scully, this isn't the same thing. Besides, this is one of the few 'homemade' things I can cook." "Can I help you cut up the vegetables or something?" "No," he declined, adding: "You are supposed to be resting that shoulder of yours. Where's the sling anyway?" Scully made a face and headed to the bedroom. "Give me a break. I just got out of the shower. I didn't get a chance to put it on." While Mulder busied himself preparing the meal, Scully watched admiringly. She helped as much as she could, or as he would let her and the two conversed amicably. Scully set the table as Mulder put the finishing touches on dinner. As they seated themselves at the small table, Scully couldn't stop herself from smiling. "What are you smiling at?" Mulder asked, suspiciously. "Nothing, it's just, this seems so normal, so unlike what we would usually do, so unlike us. It's nice for a change." "I guess it is a change, isn't it?" After clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, Mulder headed to the door. "You're leaving already? After cooking a dinner like that, I'll let you stay longer, I promise. It's the least I could do." "I...I'm not sure if I should stay, if you wanted me to." Scully had followed Mulder to the door and now she stepped closer to him. "I want you to stay Mulder." Her voice had lowered and her eyes spoke of desire. She stepped closer still. "Please." They were practically breathing the same air now. Scully desperately wanted him to touch her, to reach out and hold her, kiss her as they had so long ago. She waited, breathing deeply, her eyes lowered, body anticipating his touch. After a few moments, she reached her hands up to his face, tracing his lips lightly with her fingertips. Turning her face up to his, she pulled his head towards her gently. Closing her eyes, she parted her lips, anticipating their meeting with his. Suddenly, she felt his head pull away from her hands and his body brushed past hers brutally. "Jesus, Scully! What the hell are you doing?" Mulder's voice betrayed the anger and confusion felt by his heart. "What do you mean 'what am I doing'? I was trying to kiss you since you wouldn't do it yourself." "I won't do it because I can't play these games. I can't keep running hot and cold the way you want me to. One minute you're cowering away from my touch, the next you're seducing me. I can't do it. I don't know when to be your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever you want me to be at that instant in time." Mulder paused, taking a deep breath in an attempt to control the flow of words from his mouth. His voice was hushed when he spoke again. "I love you Dana. I'll love you from afar if you want me to. I can do that. I've done it before. I can just be your partner, your friend. But, if you want, I can be your lover. I can be the man you come home to every day, fall asleep with every night and wake up with every morning. I'd do just about anything to be that man. But I won't kiss you, only to have you run away from me in terror and huddle on the bathroom floor. I love you more than life itself. But I won't hurt you like that. I can't be responsible for that kind of pain." Mulder turned away from Scully, her mouth open in shock, and retrieved his jacket. Putting on his shoes, he opened the door. "Wait." The word was hushed, but still it stopped his retreat. He closed the door before him and turned to face the woman who was becoming increasingly a stranger to him. "Do you think I like this, not being able to control my feelings? Do you think I like feeling strong one minute, only to be stripped of that vitality the next? To be reduced to a helpless, little girl. I hate it Mulder!" Her voice raised in intensity until it cracked, yielding to the tears in her eyes. "I hate wanting to touch you and I hate fearing your touch. I hate pulling you close and pushing you away. But I can't help it. And that's what I hate the most. I try to control it, but sometimes I can't stop it. I can't stop my mind from going there. I try to tell myself that it's okay, I'm not in danger, but sometimes, I'm terrified and I can't help it." "But me Scully? Why are you afraid of me? Don't you know that I would *never* hurt you, that I could never hurt you?" "I know Mulder, but...but..." "But what Scully? That night, when you woke up after the surgery, you said you thought it was me. Why would you ever think it was me?" "That night, he touched me..." Mulder closed his eyes, dreading what was about to come. "He came up from behind me. I didn't see him. I didn't hear him. Then suddenly I felt you. I felt you put your hand on my back, the way you always do. I was so happy to see you Mulder. And just as I was about to turn to you, he pushed harder and it wasn't you anymore. Then it's him and the knife and them and..." She choked back the sobs, wrapping her arm around herself, visibly struggling to regain her composure. "You thought it was me," Mulder whispered as he stepped closer to her. "I didn't think it was you, only for that small moment. The small moment I had to escape, before he showed the knife. I wasted it, but I knew it wasn't you all along. I know you could never hurt me. I know it. I know it in my heart and I know it in my mind - most of the time. But when..." "When I touch you, you think it's him." "Not all the time Mulder. This morning, it was when you put your hand on my back." "So you know why it happened, but you didn't tell me. Scully you have to talk to me, or if you can't talk to me, then someone else. You can't just change your hair and it will go away." Scully laughed slightly. "I know Mulder. I'm just trying to get some control back in my life. Those men, they dragged me around by my hair. They called me 'red'. They couldn't do either of those things now. I don't have to be afraid of that anymore." "And me? How are you controlling me?" "Well, I wasn't until now. Now, you have a rule. I don't know how long you'll have to follow it. We'll play it by ear. You just keep your hand from that spot on my back. That spot with a permanent imprint of your hand on it." She closed the distance between them and wrapped her arm around him, feeling his arms tighten around her in return. "We still have a long way to go, don't we?" Mulder tilted her chin up to him as he spoke. She nodded her silent agreement. "Promise me you'll let me know what's going on in your head, okay? It'll make everything a lot easier." She kissed him softly on the lips. "I promise." Mulder cupped her face and kissed the tears drying on her cheeks. "I love you Mulder." He looked into her eyes, seeing the honesty there, and the trust. Instead of speaking the words, he kissed her passionately, deepening the kiss, leaving them both breathless when they parted. He looked at the door. "It's been a long day." He looked hesitantly back at Scully. "Can I stay? I, uh, I'm just not ready to let you go yet." She nodded her agreement, leading him to the bedroom. She thought to herself. ----------------------------------The End---------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading. What did you think? Let me know. Send all comments to: scarlet.scully@home.com -- "Dear Diary: My heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested Spontaneous Human Combustion."