From: miranda119@juno.com Date: Sat, 14 Sep 2002 01:37:09 GMT Subject: Hear You Breathing by Miranda Source: direct Title: Hear You Breathing Author: Miranda Rating: G Summary: "What do we have? We are no longer partners. We are no longer co-workers. Always before, we have hidden our relationship behind the safe category of our work. Now that is gone. There is only you and me." Disclaimer: These characters belong to Chris. I'll give them back if he promises to make me a movie. We have grown quiet, here in the stillness of the night, as we listen to the rain tap against the sidewalk outside the motel door. I can't seem to close my eyes though they are heavy with exhaustion. All I want to see is your face, so near me. I want to hear you breathing. Your chest rises and falls with each breath, and I can only wonder at you as I sense your strong arms around me and feel your warm body beneath my fingers. A body that has beat incredible odds to be sleeping here beside me tonight. A body that survived so much. You really are a miracle. Do you realize that? Do you realize that the very idea that you live and move and breathe is an evidence of the supernatural you want so much to believe in? Do you remember the brain condition that almost killed you? Can you recall the disease that was about to destroy you? Do you have any idea what happened to you when you were taken from me and almost destroyed? Did you ever have a conscious moment as you laid beneath the snow in a grave for two months? And still you breathe. Still life thrives within you. I can hardly imagine that you ever will die, Fox Mulder. You have so much life. So much spirit. You are a survivor. You are my hero. Your relentless pursuit of life has become my expectation. I need you now more than I ever have before. Because you've returned to me so many times now that I could never accept our parting again. It scares me to think of a single moment without you here beside me...breathing. Suddenly a panic seizes me. What do we have? We are no longer partners. We are no longer co-workers. Always before, we have hidden our relationship behind the safe category of our work. Now that is gone. There is only you and me. What is hidden beneath our carefully constructed bond that has sustained the purity of our friendship for so many years? Will your spirited and adventuresome heart be willing to be reigned by one other? I am not the same person I was before I met you. Then, I could handle life on my own. But nine years by your side has fused you into me. My life just doesn't work without you. I feel like half a person when you're not here. I don't think I can face the coming days without you! I did not realize that my last thought was whispered aloud. So I am startled as you stir and your heavy eyes try to open. "You don't have to." You say after a moment, your voice groggy but coherent. I almost feel that you have been listening to my entire internal lament. "You don't have to." Your arms tighten around me and your voice is soft and insistent. "What made you think you would have to go forward without me?" "Well, we don't have the X Files," I point out, and you smile gently, reaching a hand to touch a wayward strand of hair. "And you thought that the only thing holding us together was a basement office in the FBI building?" As you say the words, I have to smile at my reasoning. "No. But you've never said anything to make me believe any differently." I admit my fear to you. You are silent for a long moment. "What did you think I meant when I said I would be the father of your child?" You remind me tenderly. I think about your words. You chuckle and kiss the tip of my nose. "What did you think I meant when I went to Lamaze class with you?" "I thought you were just being nice." "I went because I'd have the chance to be with you." You shake your head. "And because of all the heavy breathing you'd be doing." I laugh at your joke, and you smile at the sound of it, then press your hand to my cheek. "What did you think I meant when I came back from the dead?" Your voice is serious, but I'm not sure I understand your meaning. My eyes question you. "Do you really think a man could survive two months under the ground in a coffin and then make a full recovery if he didn't have someone to live for?" I am quiet. I had never considered it before. "I told you that I missed you and William so much. I tried to protect you from the truth that I was worried would hurt you. Why in the world would I do all these things and not be planning on spending the rest of my life with you?" I almost feel like a child as you speak to me. "What else did you want me to say, Scully?" You raise your eyebrows slightly in emphasis of your question. "Because whatever it is, I'd be happy to oblige." I think carefully. Why did I doubt that you would always be there? "I guess I just expected that you would be different...than before. That I would be able to tell your feelings had changed." You give me a puzzled gaze. "What needed to be different?" "Well, at some point your feelings for me must have changed..." I falter. You shake your head slightly. "What do you mean, that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me when I walked through your office door nine years ago?" I inquire, exasperated. You sigh as you consider my words. "As I recall," You speak slowly. "The first feeling that I had when I saw you come through that door was that I hoped you would never leave." "But how did you know?" I am amazed at his statement. "How did I know what?" You ask with sincere confusion. "That you never wanted me to leave?" I stammer. "Scully, I had been alone in that basement for a long time. All of the sudden a beautiful woman walks in and smiles at me and says she's my new partner..." His voice trails off as he tries to put his thoughts into words. "I just knew. I just knew you were going to be a permanent fixture in my life. Why? When did your feelings change?" I am put on the spot with your question. "Well, I guess there wasn't one defining moment, but when we met I didn't think you were much more than a disturbed loner who was obsessed with your work. My feelings began to change as I got to know you. As I saw all the grief you'd been through, all the unanswered questions in your past. The love you felt for your sister so many years after she had gone. It made me care about you." "Care about me?" You snicker. "Agent Dana Scully bares her soul." "What exactly were you looking for?" "A little more than that." You pretend to be wounded. "I felt sorry for you." I return glibly. "Oo - that hurt." You shake your head at me. "Scully?" A light suddenly dawns in your eyes. "Yes?" I respond. "Did you think I didn't want to be with you for the rest of our lives because I never told you I loved you?" I am taken aback by your words. As you say them, I have to admit their truth. "I guess I did." "Scully!" You sound truly offended. "I did tell you!" "When?" I demand. "I would have remembered that, I think!" "I told you when I came back from the Bermuda Triangle. In the hospital bed?" You remind me. I laugh aloud. "Mulder, you were shot full of narcotics! Of course you loved me! I didn't even think you remembered that." "Scully, I meant every word." You inform me insistently. "It was at that moment I realized how much I really did." We laugh together in the quiet darkness. I attempt to pull you closer. "Why did you leave William and me?" I ask thoughtfully, after a moment. You are silent for a long time. "I wanted to be with you more than anything. But I didn't want any harm to come to you because of me." "Mulder, we'd been through so much already. How was that different?" "Because of William! He was your hopes and dreams - he was your miracle! How could I endanger my own little son just to enjoy him? To enjoy you?" Your voice is edged with pain. "And beyond that, you are not the same woman you were before you had a child." "What do you mean?" I query. "I want to be careful how I say this, because the last thing I want you to think is that I see you as incapable. I know you know how to handle the bad guys. But ever since William came into existence, you seem more fragile to me. More gentle. More feminine. It is my instinct to protect you." I smile at you. "I'm glad you're here." As we grow quiet and the sounds of night fill our ears, I think of all that you said. The miracle of our love. That a handshake nine years ago might have brought us to this moment. That the headstrong and independent doctor that waltzed into your office so many years ago with not a care in the world could possibly have metamorphosed into the woman you hold in your arms tonight. But this is who I was meant to be. It took you to make me what I am. And so it begins. The rest of our lives. You and me. And I want to be here every night, in your arms. I want to hear you breathing.