From: conchita912@yahoo.com
Date: Thu, 12 Feb 1998 19:22:57 -0600
Subject: Heart and Soul.Linda.atxc

TITLE:  "Heart and Soul"
AUTHOR:  Linda M.
EMAIL ADDRESS: conchita912@yahoo.com
KEY WORDS:  MSR, Mulder Angst
RATING:  PG (couple of bad words)
SPOILERS: Redux II
SUMMARY: Mulder takes Scully in for a checkup 
and tries to sort out his feelings.
DISCLAIMER:  All characters seen or mentioned 
on the X-FILES belong to Chris Carter, Ten-
Thirteen Productions, and the FOX network.  
They are used without my permission.  Don't sue 
me, I'm just a poor struggling college student 
who owes, God knows how much money because of 
student loans.  NEVER TEAR US APART by INXS is 
also used without permission.  (My little 
tribute to Michael Hutchence and his untimely 
death.)  That song, by the way, is probably the 
most perfect song for Mulder and Scully.  
The character of Nurse Soto belongs to little 
'ol me.  Please don't use her without my 
permission.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first piece of fan 
fiction.  I wrote this during my Macro Economics 
class.  Weird place for inspiration, but hey, 
whatever works, right?   Piece of advise:  Don't 
EVER take that class.  Another note, I wrote this 
story back in November but I've been too chicken 
to post it.  I finally got the nerve to do it :)

FEEDBACK:  Like I said this is my first try at 
fanfic and I'd like to know what you think.  
Please be kind :)  Even just to know that you 
read it.  Send feedback to conchita912@yahoo.com

POST:  Please post to Gossamer and anywhere else.
Just let me know where this went.  Thanks!
*****

Fox Mulder had been sitting in the waiting room 
for more than an hour now.

<What's taking so long?> he wondered as he chewed 
his lower lip.

<She said it would take no more than half an hour.  
She said it was just a routine check up.>

*****

"It's no big deal, Mulder."  Her voice from earlier 
echoed in his head.  "I feel fine.  I just thought 
you would like to come with me, but if --"

"Yeah.  Of course I'll go with you, Scully.  You 
know I would do anything for you."

*****

He was honored that she asked him to take her.  

<Just a routine check up.  No more than half an 
hour.> he repeated to himself.  But it's been at 
least an hour and a half.

<Something's wrong.  Something's wrong.>

He started to rock back and forth in his seat.



It had taken him all of his willpower not to start 
throwing the furniture around.  For the second 
time in the past fifteen minutes Fox Mulder walked 
up to the nurse behind the front desk.  Nurse Soto 
glanced up from her paperwork as the FBI agent 
approached her yet again.

"Mr. Mulder . . ." she began.

"What the hell is going on!" he screamed.

<Oops.  Scully's not going to like this.>

"Listen, Ms. Soto, I don't care about your pol--" 

"Mr. Mulder!" Nurse Soto yelled.  "I will *not* 
have you raising havoc in my waiting room!  I don't 
care if you're an FBI agent.  You will wait just as
everyone else in this room.  Now please sit down.  
As I told you before, Ms. Scully is still consulting
with her doctor!"

Mulder gave her a piercing look.  He had to get in 
control again.  For Scully.  For her.  Only for her.  

"Fine. . . Whatever . . .," he mumbled.

He went and sat back in his seat.  There were three 
other people in the waiting room.  None of them 
stared or even acknowledged his presence.  They 
didn't care.  They had more important things -- 
and people -- on their minds.  He buried his face 
in his hands trying desperately to fight the tears
back.

<What if the cancer is back?  God, please no, God.  
Don't take her away from me again.  Please, God, 
please.  I can't take it.  If she goes, I'll go 
too.  I can't survive without her.  Please, God, 
please.  I'm begging you.  I will die without 
her. . . >

Mulder started to sing to himself quietly.  Still,
no one looked.

        "She is my sunshine, my only sunshine.  
        She makes me happy when skies are grey.  
        You'll never know, God, how much I love her.  
        Please don't take my sunshine away . . ."

He stopped singing.

<That's what it comes down to, isn't it Fox?  
You love her.  You've loved her for as long as you 
can remember.  You love her and you haven't told her.  
Why haven't you told her?  Because you don't have 
the balls to do it, that's why.  How many times 
has my mouth opened to tell her that I love her?  
How many times have my lips moved, but no sound 
had escaped?  I need to tell her.  God, please don't 
let it be too late.  Please, God, please.  Don't 
let it be too late . . .I swear on my life that I 
will tell her.  Please give me the chance to 
tell her.  Please, God, please.>

He started to sing again.

<How do those lyrics go?>
        "Don't ask me -  
        what you know is true.  
        Don't have to tell you, 
        I love your precious heart.  
        I was standing, 
        you were there.  
        Two worlds collided.  
        And they could never tear us apart."  

<That's us, Scully.  That's definetly us. . . . 
What's the next verse?>
        "We could live 
        for a thousand years.  
        But if I hurt you, 
        I'd make wine from your tears.  
        I told you that we could fly.  
        'Cause we all have wings, 
        but some of us don't know why . . ."

<How many times have I hurt you Dana Scully?  How 
many times have I let you down?  Yet you stay with 
me.  Always watching my back.  Always taking care 
of me.  Why?  Why would you do that?  Why do you 
care? . . . Is it possible? . . . Is it possible 
that someone like Dana Scully can love a pathetic 
sack of shit like me?  But . . . that's what love 
is all about . . . Isn't it?>

He has never had feelings like this for any woman.  
Check that.  He has never had feelings like this 
for any person.  Not that he was an expert on 
relationships.

<How many of the women that you have been with, 
had been a real "relationship", Mulder? . . . I'll tell 
you.  None, nada, zip, zero, zilch.  They were all 
one night stands of one kind or another.  Hell, my 
partnership with Scully is ten times longer than 
anything I could have ever had imagined.  Why was 
that?  Why haven't I pushed her away?  Not like I 
haven't tried.  How many times have I ditched her?
Too many to count.  But why?  To see if she would 
follow?  Did I do it on purpose, to see how far she
would go with me?  But why hadn't she left?  Hell,
I would of if I was her. . . . I love her and - 
. . . and she loves me, right?  . . . No, it's 
beyond love. . . . She's a part of me.  I'm a part 
of her.  She's part of my soul.  I'm a part of hers.
One heart, one soul.  That's what it comes down to.  
Does she realize this?  I do.  I've known it for 
years.  I just chose to hide it.  Oh, God, please 
give me the chance to tell her!  I should have told 
her when she first told me about the cancer.  I 
should of told her when we thought she was dying.  
Should of, could of, would of!  It means nothing now.>

*****

Time had passed by, Mulder didn't know how long he 
had been sitting there like that.  Rocking himself 
like a mother would rock her child.  He just sat 
there.  His face buried in his hands.  Rocking.  
Thinking.  Praying.

<Pretty pathetic, huh, Scully?  *Me* Fox Mulder 
praying.>

He could hear her in his head.

"Mulder, I thought you don't believe in that kind 
of thing?"

He smiled at the imaginary words.

"Mulder . . ."

She sounded so real.

"Mulder?"  She touched his shoulder and he bolted up 
from his chair.

"S-Scully . . .," he sounded shaky and they both 
knew it.

She looked at him.  Her blue eyes piercing his soul.

"Mulder, it's OK.  Sorry it took so long.  There was
a problem with --"

Mulder took in a deep breath and expected to hear 
the words that would crush his heart and soul.  He 
squeezed his eyes shut.

Scully realized what was running through Mulder's 
mind.  "No.  Mulder, no.  I'm sorry.  I didn't --  
I'm OK, Mulder.  The cancer's still in remission.  
There was just a delay with --"

Mulder's eyes flew open, wetness glistening in the 
sockets.  His mouth slowly shifted into a smile.

"Still in remission?" he repeated.

Scully smiled at him and nodded.  Mulder grabbed her
and squeezed her tight.  Her head tucked perfectly 
under his chin and her ear pressed against his 
pounding heart.  "Thank, God." he whispered.

"Mulder, I thought you don't . . ." she started 
to kid him.

Mulder chuckled in her hair and loosened his hug.  
He pulled away slowly and held her at arms length.  
He looked into the face of the most important 
person in his life.  Into the face of the woman he 
loved.  Into the face of Dana Katherine Scully.

"I do now," he whispered.

Scully's eyes widened and her eyebrows arched.  
She was left speechless.  "M-Mulder . . ."

He kissed her forehead gently.  "Come on . . . 
let's get you home.  There's something I need to 
tell you."

Mulder took Scully's hand and headed towards the 
door.

He glanced upwards.  <Thank you, God, thank you.  
I won't take this for granted.  I'll tell her.  I'll tell her that I
love her.  Thank you for this chance.>

Mulder quickly glanced at Nurse Soto.  She smiled 
at him and he returned the gesture.

<Those are the good moments> Nurse Soto told herself.  
<It's always important to remember the good ones.> 

She added that one to her memory bank and said a 
silent prayer as she always did when someone left 
her waiting room.

<So many hearts and souls are broken in this room> 
she contemplated.  <It's good to see that, today, 
two hearts and two souls would not be broken.  They 
were still complete.  They were still as one.>

********
The End

So?  What do you think?  Too corny?  Please let me
know.


"I wish I was the verb to trust and never let you down."
    - Pearl Jam "Wish List"