Her Anxiety Abra Elliott CLASSIFICATION: Angst, MSR, Scully POV SPOILERS: none; set around mid-season 6?, ignoring subsequent developments. DESCRIPTION: The REAL (if I had my way) first kiss. RATING: R DISCLAIMER: I have no illusions about who the father of *this* baby is! ARCHIVE: with pleasure - just let me know so I can visit! FEEDBACK: Love it, at xilerui@hotmail.com *** Her Anxiety Earth in beauty dressed Awaits returning spring All true love must die, Alter at the best Into some lesser thing. *Prove that I lie.* Such body lovers have Such exacting breath, That they touch or sigh, Every touch they give, Love is nearer death. *Prove that I lie.* William Butler Yeats *** We face each other in the dim light of the office. My back is against the rickety filing cabinet. My cheeks are flushed, my lips parted in surprise, my chest heaves under an unbuttoned jacket. He stands apart. The spark of electricity generated by our kiss has thrust him away, and he seeks refuge by the closed door. His lips swell; confused desire floods his eyes. "Wha-"...I try to speak, and find my throat parched, thirsty for another taste of his mouth. I swallow and begin again, blinking slowly as I speak. "What just happened here?" His brow wrinkled in pained trepidation, he looks quickly to the side, then down at the floor. He contemplates flight; I've seen this caged animal before. I take a tentative step closer, my hand still resting on the metal cabinet. "Mulder..?" He whispers in response, and I have to lean close to catch his words. "I couldn't...I had to..." He looks up and his eyes meet mine, imploring reprieve. He doesn't want to speak the words I live in terror of hearing; yet, here, now, we both seem drawn to a truth we have spent years dodging. My heart beats faster as I back away. I recognize the nascent intent in his glance, and, suddenly, I'm sorry I asked. I look down, secretly hoping he will understand the cue and retreat. We can get past this as long as it remains unacknowledged. He considers; then, reaching out, Mulder takes a step towards me. "Scully..." I look up at him and see the words in his eyes, welling like tears ready to spill down his cheeks. It's too much for me; I turn away, only to be confronted with beloved relics of his presence. My fingers idly trace the lines of his basketball as I steel myself for his revelation. "Scully, please...look at me." His voice...soft and deep, infused with the weight of a long-thwarted passion. I hear the trembling of my own quietly insistent response. "Mulder...I...we *can't*..." I feel him move closer. The warmth of his body radiates towards me, and I long to lean into it. I feel his hands hovering over my shoulders, hesitant, and I shrink away. Another pause; then, determined now, he lets his hands fall to my body. Soft strokes shower my shoulders, my back, and I feel myself slipping. I brace myself with my hands on the counter in front of me. "Mulder," I whisper. "No..." His palms rest on my small shoulders as he leans near. His breath is hot on my neck, and it's all I can do to remain standing. His lips brush against my earlobe as he whispers in dusky tones. "Scully..." I hear him swallow. "Scully, why not?" I close my eyes. I have no logical answer to give him. We know each others' feelings only too well, but they've always only been acknowledged at a price. They make us vulnerable - to the world and to one another. "What if...Mulder, what if they find out?" "Who, Scully?" His words continue to caress me, and I feel my resolution waning. "The, the Consortium...Skinner...I don't know. Everyone...does it matter who?" His arms slowly wrap around me, and I find myself helpless to protest. I lean back against him, buried in his illicit embrace. "Scully," he insists softly. "What can any of them do to us, that they haven't done already?" I take his hands in mine, slowly turning to face him. He steps back as I look up into his earnest, honest eyes. I return his gaze with my own, real tears now burning the blue of my eyes. My chin quivers as I fight back silent sobs, and my pain translates to Mulder's faithful heart, etching itself on his features. "Mulder," I choke out. I can barely speak. "Mulder, what if...what if it doesn't..." He bites his lower lip as his eyes search mine. Nodding almost imperceptibly, he finishes my question. "...work out." I nod, incapable of speech. He looks up at the small window, and the remains of the day cast a tired glow over his face. His eyes shine in the dim light; he is beautiful, and I can't imagine my life without him. I lean against him, resting my head against his chest, and my voice is small and tight in my throat as I speak. "I...I don't know what I'd...I...Mulder, I can't afford to lose you." His head bends down towards mine. His arms wrap tightly around me as he bends my body to his. We stand there in the twilight darkness, sobs racking my small body. When I look up at him again, my face ruddy and tear-stained, I discover I'm not the only one who's been crying. His slender thumbs slide over my cheeks, wiping my tears away as he cradles my face. My heart breaks as I watch him fight for control of his feelings. "Scully..." he begins. I shake my head; I am caged in a prison of truth, and this is the beginning of the end. We can't go on like this anymore. But Mulder smiles. "Scully, listen to me. Every day with you is the beginning of the world. Every night is like the end. I die a little every time we say goodnight. I'm not in love with you..." I hear myself gasp, and he laughs softly. "Scully, I'm not *in love* with you. What I feel for you isn't such a passing thing. I've felt this way...God, for longer than I can remember." My heart is pounding again. These are the words, yet I fall into them instead of shrinking back. Delicious forbidden fruit... "Either way, we can be hurt. By them, by each other. We do it all the time, and I still love you. They've tried to separate us so many times, in so many ways, and I *still* love you." I look up at him, the words falling from my lips. "And I love you. I always have." He nods. "Either way, we'll still love each other. We've been fighting this for so long, but the truth is so obvious, Scully." Mulder smiles down at me. It's infectious; I feel the shadow of a smile tugging at my downturned lips. "If we're going to love each other anyway..." He pauses, searching my eyes for encouragement. Mine shine in response, and I nod slightly. "Then can't we love each other together, rather than apart?" He draws my lips to his then. We sink into a kiss, relaxed rather than rushed, full of promise. When we pull away, Mulder's eyes are merry and his mind is full of mischief. My heart jumps; this is the Mulder I love. "After all...it's a lot more *fun* this way, wouldn't you say?" I wrap my arms around his neck. If this is a mistake, may I always be wrong. "Shut up and kiss me, Mulder." ***** ~finis~