From: nia@cybergal.com Date: Fri, 17 Apr 1998 22:46:31 -0400 (EDT) Subject: Hex, Home Fries, And Video Tape *#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*# Title: "Hex, Homefries, And Videotape" Summary: Mulder and Scully get drunk at an office party. Classification: Humor, I hope. Spoilers, none Content: A little sex, but nothing graphic. Iffy language. An overall PG, I guess. Disclaimer: These characters are not mine (except Alison). They belong to Chris Carter, 10-13, FOX, DD, GA, everyone else on the show...you know the deal. Don't sue me. I'm not getting any money and no infringement is intended. I'm just another chick with no life. Thank you. Thanks to: Beizun and Miss Lala, for helping me witrh my first fanfics. And Paula Graves (Are you out there?) for being a really good writer and inspiring me to actually do something on my lonely Saturday nights. (Boo-hoo...) Oh, yeah, and address all replies to nia@cybergal.com #*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#* * * * * * * * * * * HEX, HOME FRIES, AND VIDEOTAPE FBI Headquarters Washington D.C. April 10, 1998 8:55 am "Scully? Scully? Scully...wake up..." Scully yawned and buried her face in her arms. "Scully. Scully! You really need to get up. Come on." "Mulder, shut up," Scully said, yawning again. But why was *Mulder* waking her up? "Scully!" Mulder poked her in the shoulder. Scully opened her eyes. Okay, so she was in her office. And there was Mulder. Shirtless. "Um, Mulder, why are you half naked?" She looked at herself. "And why am I wearing your shirt?" Mulder sat on his desk. "I don't know, but you may want to button it up a little more. Um...do remember anything about last night?" "No, should I?" Mulder shrugged. "I don't really know." Scully got up, glancing down briefly to make sure her pants were at least hers. "Mulder, is this some kind of weird-X-File-missing-time thing?" "No," Mulder said. "It's more like a we-got-drunk-at-an-office- party-and-God-knows-what-else thing." "Well we have to find out what we did...so let's start at the beginning." "Okay," Mulder began. "That would be when we were invited. I had come into the office and made coffee...and then you came in. So I told you about a case... ******************************************************** MULDER'S P.O.V. (The Previous Day--Same Time) "Scully," I said, handing my partner a folder. "Do you know what intrigues me?" "Pornographic videos and "When Animals Attack"?" Scully answered, in her typically dismissive way. I was disappointed by Scully's reaction, but being a noble man, I preservered. "There have been many people who have reported sightings of ghosts, since the earliest records of man. Yet people are willing to dismiss them as a figment of the imagination. But did you ever stop to think that a ghost might be upset about this? There is a case in Nebraska of a woman who says a--" "Mulder?" Scully said to me. "Yes," I asked, wondering if perhaps she was finally interested. "Shut up." ******************************************************** "Mulder, that is not how I was acting!"Scully said, getting up. "If anything, you were being unreasonable." "I was being unreasonable?" "Yes! You were raving hysterically about a jealous ghost who had kidnapped a child and, and a hex, and then--do you smell bacon?" "Bacon?" "Yes," Scully said, picking up her own shirt. "Can we change and eat and finish this over breakfast?" Jenny's Diner Washington D.C. April 10, 1998 9:23 am Mulder shook his head and sprayed Scully with droplets of rain. "Why does it always seem that wherever we go, it rains?" "Why is Angela Lansbury always around when someone gets killed?" Scully quipped. They sat down in a both overlooking the street. Scully ran a hand through her hair. "You know," Mulder said. "You look cute when you're tousled." "Well you don't," Scully said, peering at him curiously. "What is wrong with you today?" "Well...we don't know what we did last night. We have to assume the worst--or the best, depending on your point of view." "Mulder!" Scully exclaimed. "I would never, first of all, do any of the things that I know you are thinking of...not with you. And secondly, if I ever did, I would not, under any circumstance, consider it 'the best', okay?" "Not even if you were bombed? Because I seem to remember a time that you were pretty eager to do some things with a man who looked alot like me." "Not even if I was bombed." "Well, what are you getting?" "I don't know, something with home fries." Mulder raised his eyebrows. "Home fries? You seem like the strawberry-on-a-pancake type." "Let's just get back to last night." ******************************************************** SCULLY'S P.O.V. (The Previous Day--Same Time) "Mulder, do you really believe that a strange woman put a hex on a child and allowed a jealous ghost to kidnap it?" My partner can sometimes be very strange. "No, the hex didn't allow a ghost to kidnap the little girl. Because of the hex, the girl had a heightened contact with the supernatural world. That just made it easier for the ghost to take her." Mulder handed me a plane ticket. "And now we're going to see if I'm right." "Oh.." I sighed. "Aren't you always?" But we never got on the plane that day. It was raining (like always) and the flight was cancelled because of a thunderstorm warning. So we headed back to the office and sat around for the afternoon. Mulder had his nose buried in some file, and I was doing research. Until one of the younger agents knocked on the door. "Agents Mulder, Scully?" she asked. (And why do they always say his name first?) We looked up. "Well, since A.D. Skinner isn't here today, and neither are some of his colleagues, and it's somebody's birthday, there's going to be a party tonight. This is the address." She handed me a piece of paper. "See you there, right?" I noticed that her question was directed more at Mulder than me. "Here," I said. "I guess you'll need this." "Why?" Mulder asked. "Well, you are going, right?" "Well, I was if you were...but..." "Mulder, what are we, in high school again? Do you want me to go with you?" "Well," he said, very carefully. "You are really the only person I know..." "Fine," I said. "I'll go." ******************************************************** "You make me sound like such a loser," Mulder said, sulking. "Well, Mulder, you'r not really the life of the party. Just because you can get any girl you want--" "I can not!" he said defensively. "There are definitely women I like who would not ever sleep with me." "All right," Scully sighed. "And after we got to the party, we got drunk. I think. What else?" Mulder shook his head. "I've got nothing after that. Last thing I remeber was feeling really buzzed around nine...and that's it." "So who else was there?" Scully asked. "Pendrell. FBI Headquarters Washington D.C. April 10, 1998 10:16 am There was a knock at Agent Pendrell's door. "Come in," he called. Scully and Mulder walked in. Pendrell froze. "Hi." Mulder took a step forward. "Uh...well, we need your help." Scully glanced nervously at her partner. "What do you need my help with?" asked Pendrell. "Okay, um, what do we need your help with? Well, you see...Uh, we were..." Mulder had lost all forms of speech communication. Scully shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Well, it's kind of a delicate subject we're talking about here..." Scully bit her lip. Pendrell raised his eyebrows. "Well?" oh god please don't let this be about...oh god. Scully couldn't stand it anymore. "We went to the party last night and got really really trashed and now we can't remember a single thing we did last night." Pendrell turned around and sat in the nearest chair. "Oh." Mulder elbowed Scully in the side. "I could've done it." "Fat chance." Scully looked at Pendrell. "So, see, we need your help. As a friend. Who hopefully was not drunk last night." Pendrell looked at Scully. "I'll tell you what I can." ******************************************************** PENDRELL'S P.O.V. (At About Seven Last Night) I hadn't planned on coming to the party until I heard that "Spooky and the Ice Queen" were coming. Then I knew where I'd be that night. most of the guys in the Bureau thought Scully was cute, of course. Who didn't? But they all either thought she was the girl from hell or "Mulder's chick". I guess no one really knew. They never tried to flirtr with...but they never really had a chance. All she had to do was pull that eyebrow thing and we were all gone. But at that party, I decided, I was going for it. Now or never. All or nothing. Eyes on the prize. And they she came in. With HIM. Like they were a couple. She was talking about something and he was completely riveted. But I was still up for the challenge. She had on jeans, and a T-shirt, and a navy blue hooded windbreaker. Because it was raining. And her hair was all blown around. She looks good tousled. By the time I got to her, she was already pretty drunk. Mulder, who was pretty tipsy himself, had sat her on a table. He actually physically picked her up and put her on the table. She was laughing and he was getting her drunk. And then he left for the bathroom. I walked over and sat down in the chair facing her. "Hey, Scully," I said. "Hi, Pendrell," she answered. Oh, yeah. I was on a roll now. You go, boy. I noticed that she was resting one foot on the edge of my seat, right between my knees. Holy crap. "How's it going?" I asked. "This sucks," someone said behind me. Really. "Good," she said. "Mulder's convincing my that I should get really, really drunk. And I keep telling him that it's not going to take much. So he keeps bringing stuff back and drinking it himself." She pulled her keys out of her pocket. "So much for designated driver. I don't even know which one's the car key right now." She laughed. Whoa, she smiles. "Well, you weigh like, four pounds, right? So it took about one drink to get you drunk." Yeah, Pendrell, you really know how to flatter a girl. "No," she said. "Five pounds. Maybe six." Mulder came back from the bathroom. "Hey," he said, pointing to a black-haired girl a few feet away. "What's her name?" "Alison," I said. "I think." "She was the one who invited us here," Scully said. "Hey Scully, let's go talk to Alison," Mulder said, helping her hop down from the table. "Sure you don't want to stay here?" I asked Scully. She pulled the eyebrow thing. "Bye, Pendrell. I'll see you." Damn it. And she looked so good in those jeans. ************************************************************************ Scully sighed. "So that was it? We just talked to you and went off to see Alison, or whoever?" She got up, and Mulder followed. "Thanks, Pendrell." As they left Scully said, "You know, I think I remember talking to Alison..." Mulder patted his pocket. "Um, you go ahead, I think I left something. I'll catch up with you?" "Yeah, sure." "Mulder ducked his head back into Pendrell's office. "Hey, Pendrell? You sure you don't know what we, um...did...after?" FBI Hedquarters Washington D.C. April 10, 1998 10:37 am "Mulder," Scully said, absentmindedly looking through Mulder's "X-File" cabinet. "I think I remember talking with Alison." "What do you remember?" "Talking," Scully said. ************************************************************************ SCULLY'S P.O.V. (Approximately Nine-thirty The Previous Night) Mulder led me to talk with Alison. She was pretty and thin and dark-haired. And Mulder liked her. I could tell by the way he looked at her stupid tiny sweater that bared her stupid tiny waist, and her stupid tiny jeans that fit really, really well. Stupid tiny Alison. "Hi, Alison," Mulder said sweetly. "Oh, you made it!" Alison said, smiling happily. Then she looked at me. "Hi, um, I don't think we've met, except for this afternoon. I'm Alison Miller." She held out her hand. "Hi," I said. "Mulder's told me a lot of things about you," she told me, still smiling. "He has?" I asked, looking up at him. Mulder took his arm from around my shoulder, and led Alison away. "Listen, Alison, I wanted to talk to you about something..." I stood, leaning against the wall, watching Mulder flirt. I hate him. Pendrell came by. "Hi, Pendrell," I said. I sat down at a table near the wall. "How are you?" "Fine," he said. "Where's Mulder?" "He's um..." I looked around the room. "Oh, well, I don't know where he is. I guess I'm all alone." If Mulder could flirt, then so could I. "Oh. Well." Pendrell looked very nervous I stood up and led Pendrell away from the noise of the party, into a corner. I held his hands, doing my best Little Helpless Female. "So who are you here with?" I asked. "No one," Pendrell answered. I put my arms around his neck and leaned on his chest. "Do you have any plans for when you get home?" I asked. "Well, no..." I looked into his eyes. "Do you want to come home with me?" Suddenly I saw Mulder walking towards me. There was no way I could finish this. "Um, you know what, I have to talk to Mulder for a minute." And then, on impulse, I kissed him. Mulder stopped dead. ************************************************************************ "Oh, God," Scully said, dropping her head into her hands. "What?" Mulder asked "Did you see anything I did last night?" "No," Mulder lied. "Why, what did you do?" "Well, I may have flirted with Agent Pendrell." "MAY have? What, like you don't know?" Scully pulled the eyebrow thing. "Oh, all right, FINE," Mulder said. "Let me tell you about what I remember." ************************************************************************ MULDER'S P.O.V. (Just after Scully's...conversation...with Pendrell) Ouch. Scully kissed Pendrell. Maybe I had thought that if I got her drunk there'd be a chance. I don't know. Whatever I had thought, I was damn wrong. DAMN wrong. Damn. It wasn't the fact that she had kissed Pendrell, if was...well, she liked him better than me. I always thought that Scully and I were best friends, in the most innocent and childish sense. She was the good little girl next door and I was the class clown, and we were third grade sweethearts. And we'd grow up to be the all-American couple. Until she got a crush on another guy. Ouch. "Scully," I said as I approached. "Hi, Mulder," she said. She gave a wave to Pendrell as she left, and then fell into step beside me. We walked hip to hip, my arm around her waist. It felt very comfortable. All-American, even. Ouch. "Um, Scully? What do you say we blow this off?" "Good idea," she said. So we headed for another bar, and got drunk. ************************************************************************ "That's it?" Scully asked. "Well we might as well forget it, Mulder. There's no way we'll ever find out what happened. We don't even know what bar we went to." "I guess we'd better get back to work, then." "Yeah," Scully sighed. "Well, I'll see you later." "Okay, bye." Mulder watched the door close. He took out one of his favorite tapes and a bag of sunflower seeds. He popped the tape in, pressed play, and settled back for some entertainment. But instead he found himself viewing an autopsy tape. An autopsy tape that was supposed to have been submitted to A.D. Skinner as evidence. "Oh, my God!" Mulder picked up his cell phone and dialed Scully. "Scully, did you drop off that autopsy tape to Skinner?" "No, Mulder, why?" "Well, someone did." "Then what's wrong." "The tape Skinner has is from my personal collection." "Oh. God. I'll be right there." "No, meet me outside his office." FBI Headquarters Washington D.C. April 10, 1998 11:03 am Scully met Mulder outside of Skinner's office. "Did you go in yet?" "No." "Well go!" Mulder began to open the door. "No, wait. You go first." "It's YOUR tape!" "YOU dropped it off!" Mulder hissed. "Did not!" "Yes you did!" "Did not!" "Did TOO!" "I did NOT drop--" Skinner opened the door and stepped out of his office. "Hello, Agent Mulder, Agent Scully. Were you two planning to see me?" "Well, actually, sir," Scully said, becoming instantly professional. "We were." "Well?" "Well...we were supposed to drop off an autopsy tape to you, but there was a mix-up. This," she said, handing him the tape, "Is actually what you're looking for. So could we have the other tape back?" "Why, yes, of course," Skinner said politely, handing it back. "Thank you, sir." The two agents turned to leave. "Oh, and, Agent Scully?" Agent Scully turned back to look at Skinner. "Yes, sir?" "I know it wasn't an autopsy tape." "With all due respect sir?" "Yes, Agent Scully?" "Fuck off, sir." "Thank you, Agent Scully." FBI Headquarters Washington D.C. April 10, 1998 11:12 am Mulder sat at his desk. Scully sat on his desk. "Well, here you go Mulder." "Scully?" "Yes?" "This isn't my tape." Scully looked at Mulder. She grabbed the tape out of his hands and read the title. ALIEN PROBE. In her handwriting. "Shall we?" she asked. Mulder put the tape in the VCR. On screen there appeared the image of Mulder turning on the camera and Scully walking away. Scully stared at the screen. "Oh my God..." she murmured. "THIS is what we did last night?" The two people on screen were bombed. "Gee, Scully," said on-screen Mulder. "I have a feeling we're going to do something very stupid." On-screen Scully was giggling. "Do you have any scientific evidence to support that theory, Mulder?" She began to laugh and had to be dragged back on screen by on-screen Mulder. She laughed. "You know," she said. "There is only one way to tell a human from an alien..." She began to unbutton his shirt. Scully jumped up and pressed the STOP button on the VCR. "Scully!" Mulder cried. She pressed PLAY, although reluctantly. There was some more generally idiotic behavior, and then a flurry of undressing. And then the fun stuff (at least in Mulder's opinion) got underway. "Oh, my God," Scully half groaned, half screamed, covering her eyes. "You know, I have a feeling you'll be saying those exact words later on in this tape." "I am NOT watching this." Mulder hit the PAUSE button. "Oh, God, Mulder don't pause it THERE!" Scully cocked her head as, on-screen, they got going again. "Wow," she said suddenly. "I have to say, I'm pretty good." "Okay, we're done." Mulder said, diving for the VCR, as he anticipated a display of his own manual dexterity "No, no, no!" Scully said. "You've had your fun, now it's my turn." Mulder watched through his fingers. "Wow," Scully said, eyes glued to the TV. "I have to say, I'm very proud if you, Mulder." When the tape was over, Scully turned to Mulder. "Do you get the sudden urge to roll over and grab a cigarette?" "Scully!" "What?" she said, looking at him innocently, with big blue eyes. "Jesus Christ, I don't think any of the guys could have even imagined that!" "The guys imagine things about me?" "Uh, well..." "I'm going to go now. I think maybe you should be alone with your thoughts," she smiled. "...or whatever." "Scully! And you didn't even want to watch it." "Well," Scully shrugged. "The beginning was a little slow, but it really held my attention towards the end." She looked at her watch. "I've got to go, see you in a little while?" "Yeah, sure." "Maybe make another movie?" "Scully!" "Touchy..." she murmured, opening the door. "Oh, and Scully?" "What, Mulder?" "Do you mind if I keep the tape? You know, as evidence?" Mulder ducked as a stapler came flying at his head. "Good shot Scully, but--" And then an electric pencil sharpener pegged him in the face. *#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*# -From Nia Rhiannon