From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2000 00:28:34 -0500
Subject: Holding Pain in Your Hands by Ian Gold
Source: direct

Reply To: animalnut66@msn.com


Title - Holding Pain in Your Hands 
Author - Ian Gold 
Category - Mulder/Scully Romance 
Spoilers -   
Keywords -  
Summary - What happened between Mulder's reakdown in 
Scully's arms and Skinner's morning visit? 

The X-Files belong to Fox, Chris Carter 
and Ten Thirteen Productions, and I have 
not written this story to gain fame or 
fortune of any kind.

*******************************************
Mulder banged the table in frustration and 
collapsed onto the couch, his body withering 
in mental anguish.  
"I know she was trying to tell me something 
Scully - something about my sister."  His 
statement came out in a ragged sob.
"Mulder, she was telling you to stop.  She 
wanted to end your pain."  Scully reached 
out for him, her hand felt the warmth of his 
skin through the gray t-shirt.  And then she 
was holding him, holding his pain in her 
hands.  As he sobbed into her shoulder, his 
tears pooling at the base of her neck, she 
cursed the FBI, she cursed William Mulder, 
Teena Mulder, CGB Spender and every other 
character in the production of 
Mulder's pain.

His grip tightly held her, and she rocked 
him as she would a small child.  Though 
her body position was causing a numbing 
sensation to begin in her lower extremes, 
she vowed she'd hold him as long as he 
needed.  Some where in the room a clock ticked?  
It's constant sound a reminder to the 
passage of time, a 
reminder of the years of anguish and deception, 
the guilt and the lies that were the 
foundation of Mulder's pain.  Scully wept 
silent tears for her partner. No, more than 
partner she thought, soul mate, touchstone. 
His pain had become her pain; try as she 
might to distance herself from it.

She was aware finally that Mulder's body 
had stopped heaving and shaking from his 
sobbing.  The sole feeling she had was of 
his hands slowly caressing her back.  They 
moved in slow circles, beginning at her 
shoulder and progressing downward as if 
on an exploration of an uncharted terrain.  
She felt him shift and pull her onto his lap 
onto the couch. He cradled her like a baby; 
her body reclined in the crooks of his arms.  
Scully looked into the face of Fox Mulder.  
His eyes were red and irritated from the 
onslaught of tears, the tracks of the last few, 
still wet, the tears still threatening to fall 
from his chin.  "Are you crying for me Scully?"  
She could only nod her ascension.  "No one but 
you has ever cried for me - shared my pain. 
Please, don't cry anymore."

"Mulder," the name escaped her mouth as 
the barest of whispers. "I can't turn off 
something that I cannot control.  The pain 
you feel...I feel, I live it  and  I want to 
share it with you, if only to take some of 
it off your shoulders."  She reached up to 
his face, her thumb softly tracing the tear 
track.  The day's growth of beard under her 
palm felt alive.  She drew her fingers across 
his lips, feeling the warm dry surface, the 
tips of her fingers reaching just inside the 
moist confines of his mouth.  She watched 
his eyes close and she felt 
her body shift with the huge breath and 
sigh he emitted.  When she looked again, 
his eyes had reopened and had become focused 
and dark.  The bright hazel color had turned 
a deep shade of emerald and she instinctively 
knew the future of the next few moments of her 
life.  Mulder's head descended slowly toward 
her face, his nose softly rubbing the tip of 
her own, his head tilting slightly, warm breath 
caressing her cheeks and chin.  And then his 
lips grazed hers and she felt the connection 
to him already strong and deep, come coursing 
to the surface in the form of an electric spark.  

His first kiss was soft and chaste; it tasted 
of passion, but had the gentleness of a soft 
spring breeze.  He kissed around her eyes, 
each cheek, the corner of her mouth and each 
brilliant blue eye before returning to her full 
and waiting lips.  The next kiss was more insistent.  
The warning bells were screaming in her head 
and she just did not care.  She wanted this and 
although this was not the time nor the place, 
if this is what Mulder needed to briefly forget 
his pain, than it was a gift that was hers to give.  
She felt his tongue lick across her bottom 
lip as if asking permission to cross some 
invisible line.  Her slightly opened mouth 
was all the invitation he needed.  The kiss 
deepened, her tongue dancing in and out with 
his.  Mulder's hands moved seductively across 
her shoulders and her arms.  He stretched them 
out on the couch so that Scully's 
back was securely wedged into the back of the 
worn leather couch, his body covering half of hers.

"Scully, tell me to stop if this is not what 
you want to happen."
"Mulder, you need this, and you need me and I 
need you - this needs to happen.  Tell me what 
you need Mulder, tell me how I can help you..."
"Scully, I just need to hold you right now. Is 
that OK? Will you stay with me tonight, I don't 
want to...I can't be alone."
"I am not going anywhere Mulder."
"God Scully, I should feel so alone. They are 
all gone, my father, my mother, my sister...but 
somehow, you have filled the gaps they left.  
You and your tiny body and huge will have filled 
in blanks for me that would have never been filled 
had they not sent you to spy on me 7 years ago."  
Mulder smiled, the corners 
of his mouth turning up ever so slightly.  "I hope 
you know - can understand how crucial you are 
to my life..."
"Mulder, I know, and I feel the same...
Mulder I love you - I think I've loved you forever..."
Mulder pulled her into his chest, his hand stoking 
the back of her head.  "I love you too."

Sometime around 5 in the morning, Scully woke 
to find her back tightly pressed to Mulder, 
his arm wrapped protectively around her waist, 
his large graceful hand splayed out across her 
abdomen.  He had pulled a blanked over them at 
some point, and the nest he had created made 
her wish the gray dawn seeping through the 
Venetian blinds would never come.  She closed 
her eyes and felt her breathing matched to his, 
felt his heartbeat against her back.  She knew 
the next few days and weeks would be tough 
physically and emotionally for both of them, 
but she was secure in knowing the link that 
they shared could sustain them 
through the worst of storms.  Together they 
would manage the pain, and move on as they had 
always done.

The End