Date sent: Sun, 6 Jul 1997 12:47:50 -0700 (PDT) From: Laurie Subject: NEW: Home AGain (1/1) by Laurie Sarnacki Disclaimer: The characters in this story do not belong to me, but to Chris Carter and 1013 productions. Classification: MSR, told from first person POV (Mulders) Summary: It's two years since Mulder had *died*. Spoiler Warning: Gethsmane Archive: Anywhere and Everywhere Please send all comments to canadianchick@home.com Home Again (1/1) by Laurie Sarnacki The lightning crashed and the storm raged on as I drove on to her apartment. I couldn't help but feel an urgency to see her... for it had been a little over two years since I had last laid eyes on her. I missed her just as much as I did when I first left. The reasons I did what I did, were purely selfish, I was beginning to realize that. I left because I wanted her to live and I knew that faking my own death was the only way to do it. Even though I knew she would be devastated by it, I did it because I love her. All the way on the drive over I played the events over in my mind. It was still pretty much a blur, for it happened so fast. It all started with Skinner coming to my apartment and backing up Scully's story that she had been given her Cancer to make me believe. He also told me of the deal he had made with the Cancerman, that's when he suggested that I fake my own death to save her. With the help of the Lone Gunmen, I did it. It took four months for her to be cured, and even longer for her to get over my death, hell I'm not too sure she's even over it now. But those were the risks I had to take. I had to do it even if it meant she may never be able to forgive me. Through Frohike, I learned that two months after she had been cured, she quit the bureau and had yet to return to working anywhere. I pulled over next to her apartment building and psyched myself up to go see her. After all this time I wondered if things would be the same between us, that was of course, after the initial shock wore off. I climbed the stairs to her apartment building like I had thousands of times before, and pushed the door open to the building like I had thousands of times before. I cradled the key to her apartment in my hand, just in case she wasn't home I told myself, though I knew it was more. It was the only thing I had to hold on to, those two lonely years without her. I had stayed away for as long as I could, it was hard not to come back right after she had been cured. But I had to wait, if I came back too soon, well she could be hurt. So I stayed away for two years, two very long and lonely years. I have my reasons for doing what I did, I just hoped and prayed she would understand them. I paused before I knocked on her door, pausing to collect my thoughts and to brace myself for her reaction. I knocked once and waited for her to open the door, I knew she would be wary of anyone knocking on her door at 11 PM at night. I just hoped she was home. I lifted the key and started to put it in the lock when she opened the door and decked me. I fell back against the wall, rubbing my chin. For a little women she packed one great punch. She then turned and walked back into her apartment, leaving the door open, so I could only assume she was letting me know I could come in. The room was silent, but the tension thick. She hadn't really changed since the last time I saw her, she did look a little tired, and broken hearted you could say. I tried to open my mouth to speak, but no words would escape my lips. I wanted to put my arms around her and hug her tightly, but feared being decked again so I didn't. I assumed for the lack of shock that she had heard I was back in town, that I had faked the whole death thing. I was sure she was steaming inside from being left in the dark abut it, but that there was also a little part of her that was relieved I was still alive. "Why did you do it?" was all she said to me. "I had to," I replied to her. "You didn't *have* to do it," she told me. "I did it to save you," I said. She said nothing but pulled her robe around her tighter, and moved over to her couch and sat down. "Why did you come back?" "I needed to straighten out things between us." "There's nothing to straighten out, you *died* Mulder. It's as simple as that." She said so coldly that I was beginning to think that we could never get past this. "You know why I did it, you know my reasons." I told her as I sat down beside her. "Do I?" She asked me raising her eyebrows. I nodded, "you're cured aren't you?" "Yes," she simply said. But there was more to it, we both knew that. "Then I accomplished what I set out to do." "The only thing you accomplished Mulder, was hurting me." She said moving away from me. "You know that is the last thing I wanted to do." I told her, in hopes that she would believe me. "Mulder, I went through two years of near hell, for the first 3 months after you *died* I didn't eat, sleep, go out... my mom nearly worried herself sick over me. I kept thinking to myself, why you would do it, how you could do it.... how you could leave me all alone." She slumped against the couch, and wrapped her arms around herself. I moved closer to her, but kept just enough distance so I wouldn't overstep the boundaries she was projecting towards me. "I knew it would be hard for you Scully, and even in knowing that... I had to do it to save your life. It was the only choice I had, if I told you and *they* found out then it would have backfired and not worked at all." "And now that you're back?" "Are you asking me if I'm afraid for our lives?" She nodded. "Yes and no, I know they won't try and pull the same abduction scam as they did before. But do I know if they won't try and hurt us? That I'm not sure of." What I told her was true, and I knew that coming back, even after two years had gone by... meant putting both our lives at risk. "Why did you chose now to come back?" She asked, her blue eyes piercing right through me. "I couldn't stay away any longer... I needed to see you. Believe me Scully, if I could have come back sooner I would have, but I knew that the longer I left it, the better chance we had to stay alive." "I can't live like this anymore." "Like what?" I asked her putting my hand on her shoulder, she didn't shrug it away, so I took that as a good sign. "Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always looking over my shoulder wondering if I'm going to be the next to die." I nearly lost it hearing her say those words to me, because it was my fault she felt this way. I had gotten her involved with things that were purely personal to me, but because she loved me she stood by me in anything I had done. "I don't want to do that anymore either Scully." I told her, and meant it. "I can't go back to the way things were before between us, always having to wonder if people knew about us, keeping our relationship a secret. I just can't do that anymore." "What makes you think I want a relationship with you anymore?" "I...I don't think that." I said having all my hopes of loving her dashed right then and there. "But if you do, I'm just saying, I can't go back to the way things were." "It was you're idea, to keep it a secret in the first place." She shot back getting up from the couch. "I know and I was wrong." I told her. "I was so very wrong," I added under my breath, unsure of whether she could hear me or not. "What do you want from me?" "Do you really have to ask?" "I don't know if I can trust you again Mulder?" "Understandable, but before you say anything else, I want you to truly understand my reasons for doing what I did. When you told me that the reason you had Cancer was because of me, well it nearly destroyed me. Then when Skinner..." "Skinner knew about it?" she interrupted me. I nodded, "he came to me after I had left you at the warehouse, and told me that what you had said was true. He also told me about a deal he had made with the Cancerman to save both of our lives... that's when he suggested that I fake my own death. I *died* so you could live. I need you to understand that Dana." "The only thing I understand Mulder, is that you left me and I was left alone to deal with, my Cancer, the curing of my Cancer... and all the other stuff that accompanied having a relationship with you. You swore to me, you swore to me that you wouldn't do anything irrational, that you would think before jumping into something you may regret. But you went ahead and did it anyways. I should have known that this thing with you being *dead* was all a lie, but I so wanted to believe you would never do something like that to me. And then when I heard you had resurfaced, and that Skinner," she paused laughing. "Skinner had just said 'oh well, you're back so here's your badge and gun, go get the bad guys'. I should have known he was involved with this whole thing, after it had happened, after I was called in to ID your body, no...no I'm sorry it wasn't your body... who's body was it Mulder?" I could tell she was getting very angry, and rightfully so. "You have the right to be angry." "You're damn right I do! For two years I mourned you, you son-of-a-bitch! For two years, I prayed to god I would die so I could be with you.... do you understand what you put me through?" "I'm sorry Dana", was all I could say. "Sorry just isn't good enough this time Mulder. Even if you had good intentions, what you did was so very wrong." "I know it was but...." "But you only wanted to save my life-- I know that. But I still don't agree with it." "I didn't expect you to." "Well what *do* you expect from me then?" "Do you still love me?" I asked her point blank. She didn't say anything for the longest time. Then she quietly said "you know I do." And with those four little words, the walls and boundaries between us crumbled to the ground. I got up from the couch and walked to her, I then wrapped my arms around her and felt her melt into me. Our souls and hearts becoming one. I felt as if I had never left. The End.