From: Marion Kirchner Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:52:13 +0200 Subject: Hope by WoD Source: direct Title: Hope Author: WoD Rating: PG-13 Category: XA Keywords: MS Friendship, kind of MSR, Scully POV, Character Death Feedback to: spiritofx@msn.com Spoilers: none Disclaimer: They belong to the saint surferdude CC and his little helpers... Summary: And hope found another victim... Hope I was sitting in this dark room, surrounded by eeriness. I felt alone, I could feel how loneliness was eating up my willingness to survive. It made me so desperate. Nevertheless one question twisted my mind. Where were the others? All the people who had helped us to take the path we took, those who helped us to fight our way up to this point? Was is possible that hundreds of people just disappeared, without a sign, without a message? Could they abandon us just like that? Alas, what was I thinking? Abandon me, he wasn't there, I was alone. But what sense did it make to leave me alone? Why had they separated us? These idiots! If they leave me alone, they give me time to think. They make me think about my life, about everything. They help me find a solution. But was it even possible to find a solution? Could we find a solution? Probably not but we could at least hope to find one. Yes, we could hope, we could hope to finally live a life, to finally reach our aim. But what was our aim? I wasn't able to answer my own rhetoric question, nobody was. Beca use our aim was non existent, something naive that we could only make out in our human mind as a blurred image. Something was there, some sort of idea of what we would find. But what exactly, whose faces were hidden behind the misty shapes of these figures, remained a mystery to us. Did we even want it? Did someone want to see the truth? No, we didn't want to see it nor observe it, we wanted to know it, you want to know the truth, you want to have it inside of your mind with all its complexion. But is it even possible for a human mind to understand the truth? It had to be, we hoped that we would understand it. Hope, what was hope? We hoped it would be like that, wonderful, but does something become real if we hope? Hope is something that you believe you have but that you invent yourself. One imagines having hope to have a clear aim in front of ones eyes, to have a reason to keep on fighting. But the thing we were searching for, that we hoped to understand was untraceable and incomprehensible. But yet we hoped despite this obscurity to find it and to understand it, because we had an aim, an aim set by hope. But what happens if hope disappears? It doesn't exist, doesn't consist of matter, it w as created by our mind. And if our mind gives up, if our mind can't keep hold of hope anymore? Would we be able to catch it with our hands and feet? No, it wasn't real, nothing you could hold in your hands. One couldn't catch hope, one couldn't stop it from leaving. It would melt away like ice, gliding through our hands like smoke and then it would be gone, forever, a way from our hearts, from our mind. Then we would give up, then our aim would be nothing more than a memory. We would never find the truth nor would we ever understand it. We would drown in our own failure. Without even really having lost something, just something virtual, something we created ourselves. Hope was nothing! We would give up due to the loss of something that hasn't even really existed. How stupid we had been, how immeasurably stupid! That was the moment I realized that we were going to lose, against them, against our feelings. Because they had no feelings, no hope, no delusional thing made up by feelings that they could lose. They would win, they would beat hope. Suddenly something made me wince. The door opened automatically and one of them entered the room. Wan light illuminated my view and I looked directly into its numb eyes. They examined me with a dull expression. As if I was a machine, some useless dated archetype. Why do we work with a typewriter if we have access to a computer? Because feelings confine us to the typewriter. But they had no feelings. That's why they weren't confined to me. T hey weren't confined to any human being, they could destroy us without suffering from sadness. They could kill us without having a bad conscience. It stepped nearer, still contemplating me. Suddenly I felt it again. Invisible waves resounded through the room and interpenetrated my thoughts. Another being had entered my cell. They were talking to each other, soundlessly but penetratingly. They went into huddle and argued. I wasn't able to apprehend what exactly they were discussing but it was most likely my fate. I was slightly shaking. I could clearly feel the tension. Was the end of my life about to arrive? Would they kill me? Where -- god damn -- were the others? Where was Mulder? Would they kill him as well? Would I be able to see him again? One last time? God, please let them make the right decision. Please let me find him, please! I looked at them again. Their huge heads were very close. Dear God, what was I seeing in with my own eyes? At this very moment? Creatures from outer space who decided on my destiny. My life was lying in the hands of little grey beings. Where was I? How did I end up in this place? Why? Desperation shattered me. Why didn't I stay on earth? I would've died, brought to hell but with him. With Mulder, with the people I trusted, with everything I knew. Why on earth had I done this? Why had I followed this slim chance of saving our planet? But all my thoughts, my questions weren't helping. What if? What if? What if? Nothing could be changed. What's done is done. I had made this mistake and now I had to deal with it. They turned to me again. One soundless sign and three guards stepped towards me. They moved numbly like drones. They were just following orders. It wasn't their fault that they would most likely kill me, neither was it mine. But I should not give up! Something was lying ahead of me. Weather it was death or life, they'd take me out of this stifling cell, let me feel li berty for some seconds. One aim was reached. One must always look at the good sides. That's at least what I was telling me. I tried to think about a promising future. They finally dragged me out of the cell and hauled me down the narrow corridor. Hundreds of different life forms stared at me out of their own tiny prisons. Some of them looked pitiful, some seemed to envy my seconds of liberty. When their glares met mine I couldn't help but look down, wondering about their own stories and about their own fates. The door of the prison wing vanished into thin air and I caught a glimpse of what lay behind the premises I had to vegetate in for what had seemed a never ending period of time. Alas, it was just another metallic corridor. Still for how long hadn't I entered it? Days? Weeks? Months? Or maybe even years? It didn't matter. My feelings overwhelmed me when I realized that I had seen him in this empty, expressionless corridor for the last time. The last intimate look we had shared seemed to have taken place centuries ago. Where was he? Would I have the chance to enjoy looking into his green eyes ever again? Would he call me Scully for one last time? With this calm gentle voice of his? I missed him. His jokes, his smile, his voice and even the puppy dog eyes he had always made when he tried to convince me to do something totally ridiculous for him. I simply missed everything and so much that it almost felt like I had lost an essential part of my body. But he didn't return. The only thing I saw were corridors and more corridors, built of this strange metal that made my reflection look so inhuman. We walked and walked, I wasn't even controlling my feet anymore. I was used to trot after them without freewill. It was a shame what had become of me. Who had I even been? A joke, a tiny dot in an immeasurably big surrounding. Something you don't pay attention to. What had I reached? Nothing! The only thing I was able to prove was my own stupidity. I looked at this being, this reflection of myself, as deformed as it was it looked like jelly that slid beside me. It took every step I took. It imitated every move I made. It made me nervous. I wanted it to stop moving. But could it stop moving? No, it was myself I was watching. To sum it up: I was annoyed by my own reflection. I felt some big event laying ahead of me. I knew that these were the last steps I was taking in my life. I knew that I was going to draw my last breath in a couple of minutes. I knew that this tiny dot named Dana Katherine Scully would be erased from the sheet of life sooner than I could probably bear it. Or maybe they would take me to another room despite of my pessimistic view of the future? Maybe they would bring me to the others? To all the other human beings that had to be here, somewhere? Maybe he would be there too. I had to smile. He would probably tell me that I should stop thinking in such a negative way. I was Scully, his wonderful partner, whose image was - despite of having taken part in so many of his crazy adventures -- still better than his. Another smile crossed my face. At least the FBI would never forget us, that is if it still existed. The two maniacs from the cellar had probably been the strangest agents the bureau had ever trained. But overall we hadn't even been that wicked... We had actually been quite easy to handle. We had indeed broken rules of whose existence not even I had known about and with our countless travels to all over the country we had nearly driven the FBI into ruin but at least we had a clear-up rate of 80 %. And according to Mulder we even had one of 100 %. Sadly neither Mulder's nor my reports were taken seriously by anyone and that's why our cases ended up 100 % unresolved. The ironic thing about this whole statistic was that I was strolling around with one of these unresolved cases at this very moment, being inside a spacecraft that was around 50 000 miles away from earth. Life comes up with lovely twists, doesn't it? I would love to walk by his side right now. I don't know why but deep inside my mind I've always believed that Mulder and I would die together one day. It was a comforting feeling to know that we would leave life in the same second and go to this place together, however it would look like. Two people against the rest of the world, no, two people against the rest of the universe. We had fought our fight, we had lost our fight. Now, now I didn't even know if he was alive or dead. I didn't know if my secret wish would be fulfilled. We finally stopped. We were standing in front of a massive door, not a usual sight in a spacecraft. The strange tickle that caused me to believe that something was about to happen got stronger. It was telling me that I should enjoy what I was doing at the moment, every nanosecond of it. Without the slightest indication the door suddenly opened. I had expected a gigantic hall but I only saw a small white room. They grabbed my arms and dragged me into the middle of the room. I was standing on groggy legs, was prepared for the worst. For the first time since I was here I felt pure agony running through my veins. I was waiting for the door to close but nothing happened. A small red light flashed up. I recognized it. It was the sign that someone else was in the room. Could it be him? I was shaking, turned around and suddenly the white walls started to become transparent. A shade was forming behind one of them, a human figure was standing there. My heart started beating like crazy and I could barely breath anymore. . "Mulder!" I yelled but he didn't seem to notice me until he turned around himself. When our eyes met it was like an old natural energy started to built up inside of me, was caressing me and telling me that this story could have a good ending. I walked towards him, took the biggest steps I could. Shortly before I reached him, I was stopped by something. Confused I tried to walk on but something was in my way, something invisible. Mulder tried the same, desperately but we couldn't walk past of whatever kept us apart. I saw how his lips formed words but I couldn't hear him. I pressed my ear to the invisible wall but his voice wasn't able to cross it. I looked up, into his eyes. Seeing them so close without being able to touch him seemed surreal. I felt like I was imprisoned in a blurry vision. "I missed you so much" I knew my words didn't reach him but he smiled. His lips formed words again and his right hand touched the invisible wall. I could see bruises on his ankle and took a deep breath. What had they done to him? He seemed so calm, so gentle but I knew something was wrong. Yet I reached out my hand slowly until I touched the barrier exactly where his hand lay. I couldn't feel him, couldn't feel his skin, his warmth. I no ticed how tears built up in my eyes. I wanted to hold them, didn't want to show him how broken I was. But he just nodded, as if he knew I needed to lose my tears. They started to run down my face slowly, one after another and I pressed my hand against the barrier like there was a chance I could break it with the pure force of my need to cross it. But nothing happened. Nothing changed. We stood there, looking into each others eyes, trying to comfort each other. After some seconds Mulder turned his head to the left as if he wanted to show me something. My view followed his and confusion swept through my mind. There were others. Hundreds of people standing in what turned out to be the biggest hall I had ever seen in my life. It seemed to have no end. Some of them were laying on the floor, some crawling. Some seemed to scream, others cried. There were children desperately trying to cross the invisible barrier to reach their mothers, there were lovers desperately trying to touch each other and even people who didn't seem to know each other but just tried to have contact with another human being again. What was going on here? I looked back to Mulder. He gave me a broken smile but his eyes were serious. Then I realized. He knew. He knew what was going to happen and now every second seemed like it was rushing past me like a train. Oh god, why were they doing this to us? I held up my other hand and touched the wall as well, waiting for Mulder to do the same. We stood their, motionless.= Trying to have as much of each others presence as we could. His eyes were sinking inside mine when my breathing started to get difficult. I tried not to panic but my hands clinched to the barrier. I was trying not to lose contact of Mulder's eyes, tried desperate not to look at the panicking people in the cells beside us. "It's going to be alright, isn't it?" I said. He nodded, even if he still couldn't hear me. I struggled breathing now and was barely able to stand anymore. I felt my hands sliding down the invisible wall without really taking part in my movement. I was sinking onto my knees, noticing the same thing happened to Mulder. We were still looking at each other. His lips formed words once again but this time I could make out what he said and I smiled. "I'm with you, Scully" Where the last words that left his mouth when I felt the deadly ache in my lungs, when black dots started to dance in front of my eyes and I got lost of his sight. I tried badly to keep air in my lungs but it didn't work. I wanted to scream, tell them that it wasn't fair. That they couldn't take our lives just like that. But nothing left my mouth. My throat laced up, I cramped and sank to the floor. When my head reached the cold metal I saw him for the last time. Laying there exactly as I did. I reached out my hand for the last time, touched the barrier with my fingertips. He did the same. It was our last connection before I closed my eyes. Who had I been? Who had we been? What sense had our search made? I didn't know. The only thing I knew was that I hadn't been alone. The end. This is my first English story, so I hope you forgive me that my way to express myself probably doesn't reach the one of a native speaker. I hope you liked the story a bit. I would be very happy if someone wrote me feedback, all e-mails are welcom e at spiritofx@msn.com Thanks for reading! WoD