From: brynna Date sent: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 23:44:01 -0700 How Do I Live (1/1) by Brynna Owens Disclaimer: Dana Scully & Fox Mulder don't belong to me. They belong to 1013 Productions, Fox, and Chris Carter, who is a God, and I bow down before him, humbly thanking him for creating Mulder & Scully for me to borrow w/out permission.. :-) The song used is Trisha Yearwood's version of 'How Do I Live' from the movie 'Con-Air., lyrics by Diane Warren, used without permission, but with the utmost respect. Rating: I won't rate my work, I don't believe in censorship. I will however say this has some mild language (one word that wouldn't be allowed on network TV, but I bet you've said it before) and implied sex. Do with that what you will. Spoilers: none, really...single reference to Scully's cancer though... Warning: MSR. If you don't like that, move along to something else please.... Author's note: There's not really a substance to this, which isn't usually what I do, but I was inspired by this song, and *had* to write it. It's a little weird, but it was mostly written after 3am. Please, be gentle, and, BTW, this is my first XF fic that I've actually finished and sent out... Anyway, comments, criticism, flames and praise (especially praise) will be excepted, and dealt with accordingly. Do whatever you want with this, forward, archive, turn into paper airplanes, as long as my name remains on it. A *huge* thanks to Crystal for helping me over my writers block, and Christina, Izz & Margo for reading. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The silence was getting to Dana, the anger in the car becoming stifling, so she reached over to turn on the radio, not taking her eyes off the dark road that stretched before her. An almost haunting melody hit her ears almost immediately as she began to search for a station. A woman's voice filled the car, and as the words reached her ears and registered, Dana almost instantly felt tears building in her eyes. "How do I Get through one night without you? If I have to live without you? What kind of life would that be?" She quickly glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, and saw that he was gazing out the window. She turned back to the road, thankful that there weren't any other cars so she could really listen to the lyrics that were floating around her, as they seemed to be speaking to her heart directly. "Oh and I Need you in my arms, need you to hold, You're my world, my heart, my soul, If you every leave, Baby you would take away everything good in my life Without you There'd be no sun in my sky, There would be no love in my life. There's be no world left for me, and I, Baby I don't know what I would do, I'd be lost if I lost you, If you ever leave, Baby you would take away everything real in my life." Mulder let a quiet sigh escape as he forced himself to keep looking out at the passing darkness instead of the woman next to him. Normally he hated country music, which this obviously was, but the words were speaking to him. He was risking losing his Dana, his partner, his best friend, the only person he trusted, and the only woman he loved enough *to* trust. He leaned his head back against the headrest on the seat and closed his eyes, letting the music absorb all his thoughts. "And tell my now, How do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you If you ever go? How do I ever, ever survive , How do I, how do I, oh how do I live" As the jazz refrain began, they both looked at each other simultaneously, both wanting to speak, but silently agreeing not to, to listen to the end of the song. Dana turned back to the road, even though she knew she probably could have just slowed down and only half-paid attention to where she was going at that point and they would have been fine. "If you ever leave Baby you would take away every thing, I need you with me Baby 'cause you know that your everything good in my life And tell me now, How do I live without you? I want to know How do I breathe without you If you ever go? How do I ever, ever survive How do I, how do I, oh how do I live? How do I live Without you baby? How do I live?" As the last sweet, delicate notes floated out of the speakers, they both reached to turn the sound off, neither wanting anything to interfere with the lingering thoughts and sounds. Their fingers brushed lightly, and he pulled back, Dana quickly flipping off the radio. "Mulder..." "Scully..." They both spoke, and fell silent at the same moment. Dana sighed, and pulled the car over at the first turnout she saw. Shutting off the ignition, she turned to look at her partner. "This time, I think I'm going to insist on going first. And I'm going to say right now that I'm trying not to get too upset with you, but I can't make any promises." She took a deep breath, and took off her seatbelt to turn so she could face him. "Mulder, what the hell were you thinking back there, running off and leaving me again? I don't know how many times we've been through this one, and how many times you've said you won't ditch me, only to turn around and do it. I can't keep having you act like my cancer is something that's going to hinder my ability to work." Her voice was steady and measured, but her eyes, she knew, showed the pain and anger she was suppressing. This registered on Mulder's face momentarily, as he knew her emotional expressions as well, if not better, than his own. "Scully...that's not what I did. No, that is what I did, but not why I did it. I didn't leave you because I thought you couldn't handle what I was going to do, I left you because *I* couldn't handle what I was going to do." "Mulder..." Her confused voice registered, but didn't stop him from talking. "Look, I was going after something that I knew was going to test more than just my faith, Scully. I knew, the moment I left that hotel room without you that I was running the risk of not only losing my reason to continue my work, but my life as well. There was no way I was going to risk yours too. Especially since I also knew that what I was going after was probably a dead end, and something that was going to put serious strain on my level of sanity. Believe me Scully, I wanted you with me so badly. But I couldn't have handled it." Her eyes were piercing his heart, and he turned his gaze away from her face. "I'm so sorry Scully." "What were you going after Mulder? What was out there that was so important and so disturbing that you couldn't even feel comfortable enough to share it with me?" She reached over and brushed a lock of hair off his forehead, letting her hand come to rest on his shoulder. When he turned his face back to hers, he saw the worry, and the caring etched there and felt tears pricking the back of his eyes. He shook his head slightly to clear it. "Please Mulder, tell me." "Scully..." "I got a call." He was choosing his words carefully, speaking slowly. "About Samantha. Actually, about someone who had also disappeared, the same night she did, who had turned up. It wasn't something that you could have done anything for me with. It was a young woman who had come home after all these years, that's all. And I jumped on it, thinking maybe she could give me some clue. All I found was a scared child in an adult's body, who couldn't recall anything." He felt her hand tighten on his shoulder instinctively, and he reached up, taking her hand in his. "But there was something I can't explain going on. All I really knew was that my life was in danger if I stayed around this woman. I don't know what was up, but I didn't stick around to find out. She couldn't help me, and if I had pushed, I would have been, in essence, lying down in the middle of the road and waiting for a truck to run me over." He took a deep, shaky breath and looked down at their hands, their fingers now intertwined, and back up at her. "And the only thing that kept me from doing that was you." "Oh Mulder." With her free hand, she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to ward off the headache she felt building from the tension in the car. "I wish I knew what went on in your head sometimes." Her face was soft, trying to lighten both their moods, but her voice was confused, serious and worried, almost scared. "No you don't. You don't want to go there Scully." She had to smile, slightly. "Let me be the judge of that. What are you thinking right now?" "That I wish I knew the name of the song we were just listening to." He smiled back at her, but it was forced. She knew him well enough to know when he wasn't telling the truth. "What else?" She gently pressed him. He let go of her hand, and turned to stare out the window again. "That I love you so much it hurts." He had whispered those words, sure she wouldn't hear him. Dana felt her heartrate increase, and momentarily had to remind herself to breathe. "I love you too Mulder." An equal whisper, but the silence around them made it easy enough to hear. His eyes flew to hers in surprise, but she continued before he could say anything. "Shit Mulder, why do you think I worry so much? Certainly not for my mental health. You can't honestly find this a surprise?" He was still staring at her, now unable to speak. "Mulder, I stay up with you till all hours helping you fight the demons that affect you so much. I put everything on hold for you. How can you have not known?" Internally shaking her head to stop the debate, she moved the papers that were between them on the seat and slid over to his side of the car. "Did you know? Honestly, Dana," "Did you know that I loved you?" "I hoped." "So what should make your feelings any more obvious than mine?" He wasn't sure why he was being antagonistic, but he didn't really try to stop it. "Mulder, can we not dwell on that issue? All I care about is that I love you, and you just told me that you love me. Can't that just be enough, for once?" She took his face in her hands and made him look at her, their faces inches apart. "You always want the truth Fox. This is *our* truth." She noticed that he didn't even flinch at the sound of his first name, but that was the only thought that entered her mind as his lips came down to cover hers in a gentle, tentative kiss, one full of question, and of promise. She pulled back, and studied his face, running a hand across his cheek to his hair. She smiled radiantly, a smile she saved only for him, and drew him back down to her, her kiss more assertive this time. She ran the tip of her tongue along his lower lip, and as she felt his tongue start to play tag with her own, she began losing herself in the sweetness of his mouth. Neither noticed the car pull up next to theirs until the officer tapped Dana's window with his flashlight. They jumped apart, and she moved back to her side of the car, and rolled down her window, trying not to laugh at the situation. "Yes Officer?" "Everything all right in here?" The man cast his light over to Mulder, and back again. "Everything's fine. We were just having a discussion and I thought it would be best if I wasn't driving" Dana's cheeks grew warm from the faint blush she knew was creeping into them. "All right ma'am, but this isn't the best place to stop, never know who could be driving by." "We're FBI, I think we'll be fine." Mulder's voice drifted from the other side of the car. Dana nodded in agreement. "Well, that's good to hear. None-the-less, I think it's best if you move along now. There's a town not more than 20 minutes from here, maybe you should finish your 'discussion' there." With that and a nod to Dana, the officer got back in his car and sat, waiting for them to leave. She broke up into giggles as soon as she heard the man's door shut. "What do you think? Should we see what we can find in this town?" She started the car and pulled back onto the road, still laughing. "It's only 9, maybe there's still a restaurant or something open." "Sounds good, I guess." The disappointment over having their kiss broken up so rudely was evident in his voice, but he kept up a playful banter with the woman he loved while they drove the remainder of the way to the medium sized city. Dana noticed a mall, and that the hours were until 10:30. She pulled into the parking lot. "Stay here, I'll be *right* back." She grabbed her purse and paused long enough to kiss him before jumping out of the car and heading into the mall. After less than 10 minutes, she came back out, the only evidence of her trip in being the bags of food she carried. Handing them to him, and admonishing him not to open them just yet, she started the car again, and went to the nearest hotel. Again telling him to stay put, she went into the office and returned with a room key. "OK, follow me." She took one of the bags from him, and grabbed the small stereo they kept for times when they couldn't pick up radio stations. She led him to the room she had gotten for them and unlocked the door. "Only one bed?" He raised an eyebrow at her. "Do we need two tonight Mulder?" She backed away from calling him Fox again, figuring it was best to have only used it when it was so important to getting her point across. "You up for a picnic?" Her eyes twinkled as she sat down and spread the contents of the food bags out on the bed. She took out fahita wrap sandwiches, french fries, a salad, drinks and two slices of cheesecake. He looked at her in surprise and sat down next to her. She handed him half the food, and checked the drinks. "Iced tea, sir." "Aww, you remembered." He smiled as their fingers brushed lightly. "I remember everything about you Mulder." They ate in comfortable silence, feeding each other fries, and the cheesecake, the only sounds in the room being their laughter. Once their late dinner was gone, Dana reached for both her purse and the stereo. She produced two small bags from her purse, and smiled at Mulder. "I did a little shopping while they were making our food." She handed him a cassette single. "'How Do I Live', by Trisha Yearwood. The woman in Musicland must have thought I was nuts trying to sing what little I remembered for her." She grinned as he put the tape on. "Dance with me Mulder." They stood, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling his strong body against hers and becoming intoxicated by the sensation. "I guess we have a song now, huh?" He smiled coyly at her as he ran one hand up and down her back, the other planted firmly on her waist. He nuzzled her hair gently with his nose, breathing in the faint scent of strawberries, and felt her smiling against his chest. He made note of how perfect their bodies fit together. "I guess so. And to think, I always thought have 'a song' was corny." They swayed together, listening to the music drifting around them once again, enveloping them. After a moment Mulder tipped her head up to face him, and leaned down to once again kiss the beautiful, full lips of the woman who was his soul. As they melted together, Dana led them back to the bed, and broke the contact of their lips, causing a small whimper from Mulder. She reached for the other bag, and pulled out a box of condoms. The smile that broke on Mulder's face was too much, and she grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him back to her. Just before her lips closed over his earlobe, she whispered "Always gotta be prepared around you, my love." He didn't even try to suppress the laugh that escaped his lips as he turned her back to kiss her mouth again. "Were you a boyscout Dana?" He grinned, and leaned down, his tongue parting her lips as he explored every bit of the inside of her mouth. After lingering there for a long moment, he trailed his lips and tongue along her cheek, and her neck, causing a moan to escape her. "Oh Mulder." She didn't even bother trying to hold onto any of the strength she felt slipping away as she reached for his shirt and pulled it out of the waist of his pants, setting to work on the buttons. His lips moved to her ear. "And damn it Dana, love, call me Fox." END