From: "Lisa J." Date: Sat, 15 Apr 2000 20:55:38 GMT Subject: MSR Source: direct By: Scullystar Disclaimer: The Characters Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are not mine. They belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. Rated: NC-17 Spoilers: Pusher, Kitsunegari Summery: After the Modell/Bowman case Mulder tries to apologize for what happened and things turn out differently than he had planned. "I Almost Lost You" XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX Mulder had a splitting headache. As he stepped into the basement office behind his partner, he prayed that he had some aspirin in his desk somewhere. He could feel the throbbing behind his eyeballs and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He looked over at Scully who was looking at him, a worried expression on her face. "Mulder, are you alright?" "Yeah, I'll live. Just a headache." He rummaged around in the desk for some aspirin and came up empty handed. "Scully, you don't have any aspirin, do you?" Scully smirked and pulled a small bottle out of her purse. "Dr. Scully to the rescue," he joked and gratefully took the bottle out of her outstretched hand. "Mulder, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea if you took the rest of the day off like Skinner told us to. We could both use the rest. You especially." Mulder sighed. The case had been hard on him. It had been hard on them both. "You're right. Of course you're right." Scully looked down. She knew he was still upset over what had happened. She was still upset over what happened. As much as she told herself it wasn't his fault, she couldn't get the image out of her head of Mulder standing there ready to shoot her. Not believing it was her. Damn Robert Modell and damn Linda Bowman. She had been so sure that Modell was out of their lives for good when they had left him in the hospital two years earlier. They thought he had been dying, but he had held on. When they had been handed this case, she could tell it bothered Mulder. After what had happened the first time, she knew he would try to be as wary as possible, but there was only so much that could be done. She knew lives would be lost on this case before they even started. It proved true. Too many people died because of that man. And now people were dead because of his sister, Linda Bowman, Modell's fraternal twin who possessed the same ability to control people's minds. "Mulder...about what happened with Linda Bowman..." Mulder held his hands up. "Scully, please. I don't think I want to talk about this right now." "But, Mulder...you're obviously upset. I wish you'd talk to me." Mulder scoffed and chuckled. "To be perfectly honest with you, Scully, I don't see how you can stand to look at me right now. For Christ's sake, I almost killed you! I held my gun up to your face just like last time. Linda Bowman almost fooled me into shooting you." "But you didn't." "Scully, I'm going home. I'll be there if you need me for anything." Scully watched as Mulder packed up his things and brushed past her out of the office. XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX "Damn, damn, damn, damn!" Mulder threw his coat and briefcase down on the floor of his apartment and slammed the door behind him. He had driven around for hours, but it hadn't helped clear his head one bit. He was reeling. He couldn't believe that it had happened again. He had come so close to pulling the trigger and ending the life of his partner. What was he going to do next? It scared him to death knowing that Scully might have been dead right now if she hadn't been able to coax him into putting the gun down and seeing past Linda Bowman's trickery. He wandered into his bedroom and changed clothes. Going back into the other room to check his messages, he wondered if she should call Scully and let her know he was ok. He wanted to go over there and throw himself down at her feet and tell her how sorry he was for putting her life on the line like that. He picked up the phone and dialed her home number. When she picked up on the second ring, he was a bit lost as to what he was going to say to her. "Hey, Scully, it's me." "Hi Mulder. Is everything ok?" "Yeah, everything's fine. I was wondering...would it be all right if I stopped by? I need to talk to you." Scully was quiet for a moment and Mulder was sure she was going to tell him not to come. "Of course you can come over, Mulder. What time do you think you'll be by?" Mulder looked at the clock. "Say around 7:30?" "Alright, I'll see you then." Mulder made a noise of agreement and hung up the phone. Mulder was anxious. He hated waiting. He wanted to see her. He needed to explain to her how sorry he was and let her know that no matter what happened she was so important to him. He couldn't believe he had almost been her killer. He looked around the apartment for something to keep him occupied for a while and grabbed his basketball. XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX Scully checked the clock on the microwave. "Mulder should be arriving soon," she thought to herself. She went into the bathroom to check her appearance. "I really need to stop acting like this is some kind of date" she told her reflection in the mirror. She wondered if Mulder was coming over to talk to her about what happened on the Modell/Bowman case. He needed to vent, needed to allow himself to tell someone about it. There was a knock at the door and Scully went to answer it. She opened the door and smiled up at her handsome partner. "Come on in, Mulder." Mulder walked into the living room and took his leather coat off, lying across the back of the couch. "Do you want something to drink or...?" Mulder shook his head. "No, that's ok." Scully sighed. She hoped this wasn't going to end up worse that it was. Sometimes Mulder just shut down on her. She didn't know what was going on in the head of his. "What was it you wanted to talk to me about, Mulder?" "Can we sit?" he asked. "Sure." Scully moved around to sit on the couch and looked up at Mulder who was watching her, not sitting himself. Scully looked at him wondering what the problem was. "Is everything ok, Mulder? I thought you wanted to sit down." Mulder joined her on the couch and turned to face her. He took in a deep breath and let it out before actually meeting her eyes. "I guess I wanted to talk to you about what happened with Linda Bowman. I'm disgusted with myself for everything that happened, Scully. I can't believe what I almost did." "Mulder, you know I don't blame you." Mulder chuckled. "I still blame myself though, Scully. I almost shot you! You could be dead right now because of me. I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for everything. I wanted to tell you that I didn't want to hurt you, Scully, I swear." Mulder voice hitched and Scully saw tears in her partner's eyes. "Mulder, don't cry..." Scully moved close to him on the couch and touched his shoulder. She wasn't sure if he'd accept her comforting. Mulder reached out and gathered her close to him, crushing her slight form against his chest. Scully stroked his hair and made soothing sounds while he cried into her shoulder. His tears soaked through her cotton T-shirt, but she didn't care. She let him cry until soon he was quiet and just holding her. She kept stroking his hair, not saying a word. Letting them have this moment. Mulder was the first to break the silence. "I'm sorry...I didn't come here to cry on your shoulder," he said, moving away from her and wiping his eyes. Scully took his hand in hers and made him look at her. "I think you should stay here tonight, Mulder." Mulder looked at her. "I don't think that's necessary," he protested weakly. He couldn't stay here with her. He already let her see too much already tonight. Every time he looked at her his heart ached. He was in love with his partner. He had let himself admit it to himself a long time ago. Every so often he got a feeling that she might feel the same. That Scully might actually love him back, but he could never be sure. He wanted it to be true, but he would never allow himself to come out and ask her. What if she said no? What would he do? She would probably want to get as far away from him as she could knowing that such a crew up was infatuated with her. It was a puzzlement why she stayed with him. Sometimes he liked to think that it was because she wanted to be with him not just because she was so dedicated to the X-Files. There was always something holding him back. If it wasn't fear of being rejected it was the fear that she might leave him or the biggest fear of all...the fear of knowing. Sometimes it scared him to death that he was in love with her. It meant that he had allowed her to have everything. It had taken a lot for him to allow himself to trust her, then to become his friend. Letting himself love her had been the final step. He had allowed her to get closer to him than anyone else had ever been even if she didn't know it. "Mulder...I think you should stay here regardless. I'll get you some blankets and you can make up the couch. I don't want to hear another word about it." Scully went into her bedroom to gather blankets and sheets. Mulder sighed. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. He could handle staying there on the couch. He'd done it before. It wasn't until Scully came back out of her room with her arms full of pillows and blankets did he feel at ease about staying there the night. She placed the bundle on the couch and smiled at him. "Do you think you can manage while I go get changed?" Mulder grinned. "I'm not entirely helpless, you know." Scully grinned and headed back into her bedroom. Mulder wrestled with the sheets and blankets and finally made up the couch well enough that Scully might even be proud. He fluffed the pillow and pulled his shoes and socks off. Stripping down to his boxers and T-shirt, he got under the blankets just as Scully came down the hall. Dressed in her white bathrobe and pink silk pajamas, she looked beautiful and Mulder smiled at her as she sat down on the rug next to the couch. "Are you sure it's ok for me to stay here?" Scully shook her head. "Of course it is, Mulder. I know it's early, but I think we could use the extra sleep. If you want to watch TV, turn it down low. And I don't get the Playboy channel, by the way." "Why Agent Scully, what are you implying?" Scully actually laughed and got up. "I'm going to go to bed now, Mulder. I'll see you in the morning. There's food in the fridge if you get hungry. I know you won't go to sleep right away." Scully turned and started off for her room, but Mulder caught her hand. "Thank you for everything." Scully only smiled. Mulder watched her go into her room and close the door. XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX Scully lay in bed staring at the ceiling. She kept thinking about how upset Mulder had been and how she wished he didn't feel so responsible for what had happened with Modell and his sister. It was bad enough that he had gone through all of that once with Modell, but to have it happen again...she could still see him standing there, pointing his gun at her, not seeing who she was. He was ready to kill her. He really thought that she had shot herself and that he was aiming at Linda. Scully closed her eyes. When Mulder had been crying, it had pained her to see him so upset and disgusted with himself. She had wanted to hold him much longer. To make him see that everything was all right. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him and make him believe that she wasn't upset at him for anything that he had done. It was all she could do to keep herself from kissing him there on her couch. She wanted nothing more than to make him feel at peace. The fact that she was in love with him made it difficult to remember herself sometimes. She was almost positive that he knew that she loved him. Sometimes she was sure that he might even feel the same, but there was nothing she could do about it. If she told him how she felt and he didn't return the feelings, she would be devastated and knew that working with him after that would be hell. Scully heard Mulder turn the TV on then turn it off. Maybe he was going to get some sleep. Scully settled down under the blankets and drifted off. XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX It was happening again. Scully had shot herself in the head. There was so much blood! He ran over to her and checked for a pulse, found none, and touched her face. She was gone? She couldn't be gone. He got up when he heard Linda calling him. He spun around and screamed at her "You made her shoot herself you bitch!" Without thinking Mulder pulled his gun and fired a shot into Linda Bowman's chest. The woman the fell to the floor was not Linda Bowman. Mulder watched in horror as Scully fell in front of him. He looked back behind him and saw Linda standing where he thought Scully had fallen the first time. He turned back and ran to his partner who was clutching her chest, her mouth open in shock, her eyes wide and glazed over. "Mulder, why? Didn't you know it was me? " Mulder heard Linda telling him it was all his fault. He killed Scully. He murdered her. Mulder woke up with a start. He must have been screaming, because Scully came rushing out of her room and over to him. He felt sweat beaded on his forehead and rolling over his cheeks. "Mulder, my god, are you ok?" She touched his forehead, his face. Mulder grabbed Scully's arms and looked at her. "I...I only had a nightmare, Scully...I'm ok...I'm..." Mulder couldn't stand it. He began to sob again and Scully wrapped her arms around him. "Oh...Mulder...everything's ok now." She felt him shake his head. "No, Scully...I keep seeing you. I keep seeing you shoot yourself, and I turn and I see Linda and I shoot her, but it's really you...I keep killing you over and over in my dreams." "I'm right here. I'm not dead, Mulder, I'm right here." Scully kissed Mulder's forehead and rubbed his back as she held him. He stopped crying, and she rocked him gently back and forth, soothing him with her soft voice, telling him it would be alright and that nothing happened and she was right there with him. Mulder took in a deep breath. He moved away from Scully's embrace so that he could look at her. " Scully..." he touched her face gently, and ran his fingers through her hair. She was so gorgeous in the moonlight coming in through the blinds. "Mulder, I'm right here," she said, her voice soft and low. "I know you are. You always have been." "Are you going to be alright?" Scully hardly noticed the tone of his voice, the way he was stroking her face and running his fingers through her hair. She was too worried to notice. Mulder took a hold of Scully's wrist, bringing her hand up to his face. He studied her for a moment. "Mulder?" Mulder's tongue flicked out and he captured Scully's index finger in his mouth. Scully gasped at the sensation. He looked up at her and her eyes sparkled. He kissed each finger in turn, then suckled on the tip of each one. He did the same to the fingers on her other hand, all the while watching her face, loving her reaction to his tongue laving the tips of her fingers. Scully moaned. Mulder watched as she slipped her tongue out and licked the corner of her mouth. He tangled his fingers in her hair and pulled her mouth to his. He ran his own tongue over her top lip, then pushed past her teeth, seeking entrance to the warm recesses of her mouth. Scully pressed herself against him, grabbing at the hair at the back of his neck, wanting more. She felt heat at her center and wanted him to touch her there. Mulder leaned her back on the couch, and slipped one hand under her silk nightshirt. He found her soft breast and teased the nipple until it became a hard little pebble between his fingers. He felt Scully's hips rotating against his and moaned against her mouth. Scully broke the kiss and pulled his T-shirt off over his head. "Too many clothes," she said breathlessly. Mulder unbuttoned her nightshirt and exposed her breasts to the cool air of the room. He closed his lips over one erect nipple, working the other with his hand. Scully pushed at him, wanting to feel all of him against her. She pulled her pajama bottoms off, casting them aside, and yanking Mulder's boxer shorts down over his hips. Mulder kicked them to the floor and rejoined his Scully on the couch. He stretched over her, loving the sensation of her naked skin pressed against his. Scully pulled Mulder's hand down between her thighs and Mulder groaned when his fingers were met with hot moisture. "Ah...Scully, you're so wet..." Scully thrust her hips upward and Mulder slipped his finger into her core. Scully closed her eyes as she finally felt Mulder touching her where she'd wanted him to touch her for so long. Mulder's thumb grazed her clit and he kissed her as she moaned again. He could feel his erection throbbing from want. He needed her. He needed to be buried inside of her. "I want to be in you so bad, Scully. Let me?" Scully nodded and gasped as Mulder pushed into her slowly. Mulder stopped thinking that he might be hurting her, but she grabbed his ass and thrust her hips up into his again, pulling him in all the way. Mulder gasped. It was incredible being inside of Scully. Mulder found his rhythm, groaning as Scully wrapped her legs around him. He was so close already. He had wanted this for so long. "Scully, I'm close." Scully smiled up at him. She thrust her hips up into his, following his rhythm. She felt herself nearing her peak and pushed Mulder, wanting to see him as he came. Scully shuddered with release and cried out his name. Mulder's face contorted as he felt her muscles contracting around him, pushing him over the edge. It was the most beautiful sight Scully had ever seen. He fell against her, and she held him, stroking his hair, kissing his face. Mulder moved and Scully uttered a noise of displeasure as he left her. Mulder moved onto his side, tucking Scully against him, her back against his stomach. Scully sighed in the darkness and closed her eyes. "What's the matter Scully?" Mulder asked in a whisper. Scully smiled to herself. "Hmm, nothing at all. I just was wondering what this means for us?" Mulder kissed her hair. "Well, I was hoping that it meant we crossed over that line we had been teetering on for so long, but if you're not comfortable with that..." "Oh no...I want this. I love you Mulder. I didn't want this to end up some one-night stand that we'd regret later on that's all. I needed to know where we stood." "I love you too. There's things we need to talk about, obviously, but let's leave them for later." Scully got up from the couch and extended her hand to Mulder. "I have a bed that I'd much rather have you in." Mulder got up and took Scully's hand. He kissed her lovingly on the mouth and they headed into her bedroom, his nightmares long forgotten. XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX The End :-) Feedback required! Please! Scullystar@hotmail.com "What do you think about Manta Rays?" "Manta Ray? LOVE Manta Ray, wear his stuff all the time. These are Manta Rays shoe, these are his glasses, LOVE Manta Ray...*I'm talking to a Spice Girl!*" -Posh Spice and a woman at a club, "Spice World"