From: "E. A." Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 15:24:42 -0700 (PDT) Subject: "I, Alone, Decide" by E.A. Title: I, Alone, Decide Author: E.A. Keywords: MSR Rating: PG-13 Summary: "The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." -Eliot Hubbard Note: Wrote it a while ago. -- I wake slowly, eyelids fluttering for a moment, heavy with sleep. My usual schedule interrupts the calm slumber I had found, for once, and I glance around the room I lie in. A small breath cascades lightly over my cheek, a warm reminder of who sleeps in my arms. I close my eyes once more, willing sleep to return, but to no avail. Sunlight pours through a large bay window, flooding the room in gentle light. It catches dust particles, illuminating them, and giving the room a holy quality. The air is laden with a thick post- coital presence, surrounding us with remeniscence of pleasure. I glance down at my sleeping partner, her hair sparkling with morning, face peaceful with dreams. We lay on our stomachs, her slightly under me, my arm lazily draped over her small frame. A slight smile upon her lips makes me want to kiss it, but I know I cannot wake her. I stall getting out as much as I possibly can, but glancing over at the clock, I see that I have already missed my appropriate waking interval. Taking one last long look at her, memorizing her feautures, I lift myself from the matress easily and slip off of the bed. Checking to make sure I haven't waken her with my rousing, I pad across the room to retreive my clothing. I first find my boxers, and slip them on, followed by my blue jeans and old oxford t-shirt. After putting my boots on, I am dressed and ready to leave, which is exactly what I dread. I stand in the middle of her bedroom, shoulders slumped, wanting more than anything to crawl back in with her. But, taking one more look at her sleeping form, I am reminded of why I'm leaving. For whom I'm doing this dirty work. In the end, it leads to her, this sleeping form curled up like a small child. Sure, vocationally she's a rock, unbreakable, but to see her like this...completely different. So unwound, so comfortable... I want to wake her, but I realise that if I do, she'll insist on coming along, which can't happen. She doesn't know this now, but I am doing this for her; for us. I want to erase all that's happend to her, but knowing that I can't, I reach for the next best thing - giving her something. A slight smile twirks my lips at the sight of her, and I supress a groan of awe at how she can do that to me by mearly sleeping. I tiptoe to her side and brush a stray lock of hair from her temple. She lays now on her side, one arm folded over her belly, the other under her head. I kiss her lips barely, then stand up once more. With a last look, I leave the room. In my car, I cry. Torn over a decision which can mean life and death, I must now decide our fates. Is it fair that, once more, she shall have her future thrust away from her if I make a decision to regret? I couldn't exist knowing that I'd hurt her so directly. I know that once I begin to bargain, nothing sacred will hold, including these notions and theories. So, now, I must determine the best course of action. That which will hurt less and give most They will offer me two ways; it will be a black and white decision. I will then suprise them with an extra element. If they resist, there will be no deals of any sort. I was once offered a deal; and now am glad I refused it. Will I make a mistake by taking them up on this one? Playing with the devil is what I am about to do, and I need to go prepared. If I don't get Scully the one thing she deserves more than all, I will have failed her and myself. If they don't agree to throw it in... I make my decision tacitly. I know what both of us must do. I can fight, I can devote my life to it, and I can win, but without Scully, it all goes in vain. And I know at this moment, I would trade Scully for the real Samantha any day. Not only because it was not her fault that she is involved, not only because she wasn't born into this conspiracy as I was, but because I love her. Because she has become my life, my every reason for being. I may die for the truth but I will have lived for her. I reach the park in which we are to meet, and I take a breath as I catch sight of their looming, dark forms. There are two; the notorious smoking man and another whom I recognise barely. They are talking amongst themselves, and I pull up in a parking space farthest from them. They know I'm here, like they know everything else. Sometimes, I query whether their knowledge ends at some point, or whether they know every last secret of the universe. If they don't, they certainly don't let off that way. I climb out of my car and approach them. They only pretend to notice me once I am right in front of them, and I know that this whole cherade has been orchestrated down to the finest detail. "Agent Mulder," the smoking man greets me, "good of you to show. How is Agent Scully?" he says, hinting at the our endeavor last night. I wonder at how he would know such a thing, but then correct myself - there is no end to their knowledge. I give him a death glare which Scully has helped me to master, and look them both over before speaking. "What can you offer me?" I ask, and the smoking man draws a new ciggarette from his pocket. I now know that it is mearly a symbol meant to intimidate, and he knows the precise moment in which to draw and light it to make his victims piss in their pants. "Cutting right to the point, I see. Well, we'll skip the nonsensical pleastantries as well and tell you what we want from you." He turns to his colleague, who, in turn, begins. "You and agent Scully can be granted our immunity from the colonists and the retrovirus in exchange for your loyalty." I immediately find myself shaking my head. "Or," the cancerman cuts in, "you can both leave the Bureau and the truth forever and be removed from any long term plans in the colonization efforts. You will live peacefully, but will die if you choose this path, however, because the countdown to colonization begins shortly." Oh, God. Its worse than I thought. Which do I choose? Which? I have no idea. "Not an easy choice, Agent Mulder. If you like, you can come with us and we can help you to make your decision." I give him a "whothehelldoyouthinkyou'rekidding?" look and bite my lip. "Define 'loyalty'," I blurt, and the cancerman tries to hide a smile at where my decision may be pointing. "You will be a player; you and her. You will be removed from any and all government databases. You will cease to exist in the United States as you know it, and will not be able to contact any friends or relatives from then on." I shake my head again. "No. I can't do that... I need something from you," I tell them, and the cancerman takes another puff of his ciggarette. "Really." "Yes. I need you to give Scully back her ova - I need you to let her have children again." The cancerman is delighted at seeing my weak spot, and so is his colleague, as I gather. "Well, Agent Mulder, you cannot get something for nothing. But, if you insist, Agent Scully's ova will be added to both options." "I don't understand...you'll add that? Why? Isn't your job to make sure that we *don't* get what we want?" "I like you. And I like Agent Scully. Why do you think you got away with the remedy to her cancer from the level four? You aren't as devious and smart as you think you are, Agent Mulder. My men were waiting outside to take you away," he says with a slight chuckle, and I am reminded of how twisted these men get. "What will it be?" "The latter," I tell him, and he almost chokes on the fumes. "Agent Mulder, are you sure?" his colleague asks, and I nod. "Alright. Not a wise choice, but.." he trails off. "Not a wise choice by you. But you see, you are weak. Your mission is utter, self-directed survival. You are traitors to your planet, and I am proud to say, Agent Scully and I will not be a part of it. You maime and plunder in whatever you do, and won't accept the reality that you are just as equal as that man on that park bench. You hide from yourselves, ashamed perhaps, to admit that you are all cowards. Thirty peices, not a coin less, eh?" I tell them, and am aware of the smirk on my face. The cancerman mearly smiles, and takes another puff. "So, you've figured us out, son. Let me tell you something that life obviously hasn't - you don't survive by being loyal. You don't make it by being right, just, or even moral. Say what you like, but in the end, you, Agent Scully, and whatever you come up with will die a painful, horrible death." I want to slap him. "We will have died with clear consciouses." After a moment of silence, the cancerman drops his ciggarette and steps on it. "Seeing as we've been chatting long enough, we'll arrange for someone to pick up Agent Scully tonight. Good day, Mulder." "How do I know you'll return her?" I ask them quickly. "You are no longer a threat to us, as of this conversation. We would haveno reason to keep Agent Scully - she was never a threat to us in the first place. And, as I said, we like you. *Good day* Agent Mulder." The last words spoken hover in the air as I watch the two men climb into their limosene and take off. With a sigh, I head back to my car. I should prepare my letter of resignation soon, and Scully hers. As I steer my car out of the park, I have time to think about the future, for once. It had always been so restricted and cloudy, but now I feel as though my options are open. Scully and I...we could get married. And as of tonight, she'll be able to have children. We could get a house on the beach and live our lives like normal people...but I know that we cannot completely give up our quest. We will still search for our own answers, and perhaps will find truth in each other. I open the window and for the first time in decades, I feel liberated. I feel as though my life will mean something now, and I am no longer afraid to face it. I am now fully prepared, because today, I begin to live. _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com