Date sent: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 19:13:01 -0400 (EDT) From: Creyente@aol.com Subject: "I Could Have Missed the Pain..." (1/1) "I Could Have Missed the Pain..." Kristin Pohaski June 22, 1997 "...but I'd have had to miss the dance." This line from the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, for me, perfectly describes the turmoil and pain Mulder and Scully have been through. So without really knowing how this is going to turn out going into this, I embark on my latest fanfic journey. As a writer and a person, I have found that much inspiration has come to me in the form of music, so, strange as it may seem, I'd like to dedicate this to a man I've never met, and probably never will. This one's for Garth Brooks, whose music has been a source of inspiration, emotion, and hope in both my writing, X-Files related and otherwise, and in my life. To quote him, "this is what happens when two dreamers get together and write from the heart". Though he's not here, I'd like to think he is in spirit. From one dreamer to another, my friend. Call me "weak". Go listen to "Standing Outside the Fire" and you'll understand. To Auralissa, thanks forever for putting this story in motion with your suggestions. Although I did something totally different than what I had planned, she got me thinking. You Ship on too, girl!! :) Category: Vignette, Romance, Angst Rating: PG for language Spoilers: Through season four. This is pre-Gethsemane though. Summary: Scully/Mulder romance. Scully and Mulder question if the last four years have been worth the sacrifices made. Disclaimer: Scully, Mulder, and The X-Files belong to you-know-who, the Big Kahuna at 1013, Chris Carter, who IMHO really needs to learn to share! They probably also belong to a lot of other people like Fox. No copyright infringement is intended, and I promise I'll return them in better condition than I found them in! :) Also, the song "The Dance" belongs to Garth Brooks and a bunch of other people! I bless you for giving us this beautiful music, and I'm just drawing on it for inspiration. No copyright infringement intended here either! Are you still awake? :) I promise, just one more thing. Any comments, tacos :::winks at Vanessa the Greek Butterfly:::, wedding proposals or flames may be sent to Creyente@aol.com!! Please, I adore comments! Really I do!!! Here we go.... "I Could Have Missed the Pain..." Kristin Pohaski Part 1 Fox Mulder's Journal May 25, 1997 I still haven't accepted that she's dying. And to an extent, it's my fault that she is. I still believe that she'll be there every morning when I walk into the office. I don't let myself think that I'll walk in one morning and her beautiful face won't be there to greet me. But I can't give up on her. I refuse to give up on her. She's so strong. But is she strong enough to beat this? I could have saved her, you know. I could have walked away. Or I could have sent her away from me. I could have gotten rid of her after that first case in Oregon. But could I have? Could I have given up everything to save her life? I would like to believe that I'm not that selfish, but I've loved this so much. Every case we've been on together has been amazing. She's amazing. She's so beautiful. She's fiercely intelligent, she's brave, she's loyal, she's true. She knows how to love and hate, laugh and cry. She personifies the Bureau's motto "bravery, integrity, fidelity". She's such a complex woman. She's everything I've ever wanted and more. No, I couldn't have left her back then. No more than I could walk away now. But maybe if I'd been there that night. If I had been there to answer the damn phone.... But how could I have known? How could I...? I just wish I would have been there. Three months without Dana Scully loosely translates into three months in Hell. I should tell her that. But it's not my pain that I worry about so much. It's her. At least I didn't see this coming. At least I've had five extraordinary years with this woman. But I want more. I want to be with her until we're both old and gray and can barely walk, let alone run after aliens and track government conspiracies. I have faith the kids will follow in our footsteps. Kids? I'm talking about kids when she's dying and.... And yet I haven't even told her that. I'm such a screwup it's unbelievable. Why does she even stay with me? If I were her, I would have walked long ago. This is my work, and it's my problem. But I guess it's her work too. She's gone way above and beyond the call of duty. Why? For me? For truth? I wish I knew. Maybe I should just ask her. But she'd probably walk away. But we've still got time, no matter how little. Maybe instead of wondering if I should have or could have made things different before, maybe I should make things different now. I know she holds things back from me, but I try to respect her and let her. I just wish that she'd open up more. I know she trusts me as I trust her. I know she trusts me with her life. But I guess I screwed up there. I guess that's why she won't trust me with her heart. ------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------ --- Part 2 Dana Scully's Journal May 25, 1997 I try not to blame him for what is beyond his control. In my heart, I know it's not his fault. I know that he'd do anything to change it. But sometimes, lying in my bed at night, I wonder why, and my thoughts turn to him. If things were different.... If things were different, I wouldn't be dying of cancer. But would I want things to be different? Would I change all we've been through, all we've shared, to change this one thing? I once told him that if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a day. And I meant it. But back then, I didn't know I only had months to live. Back then, I still believed we had a chance. I suppose I've always loved him. And I always will. Before this cancer, I believed that one day I would tell him that. Even when I was diagnosed, I started a journal. I meant to tell him there. I suppose I did, in not so many words. But did he see between the lines of that book? Did he realize what I was telling him? But it doesn't really matter now. Now I don't have time. Now, we don't have the opportunity. Now, I have to keep myself from blaming him. Sometimes I think that if it wasn't for his damn quest.... But then I realize that it's mine as well. Somewhere along the way, it became my quest, my journey, my life as well as his. I realize that together, we have a chance. It's funny that I say "have". I've got weeks left. And I haven't even told him. But there's so much I haven't told him. There have been so many times along the way that I could have. But maybe it's better that I didn't. Maybe now it'll be easier for him to say goodbye. Would I change it? We had it all in our hands. We had each other, we had love, we had our quest, our journey. But I suppose we still do. Looking back, I've loved every minute. He's always been there for me. We've had each other. And for a moment, everything was true and good and right. For a while there, we had the world. How could we have known? But I don't think that if someone had told me what would happen by being with him, I would have walked away. I believe that the last five years of my life have been worth it. Worth dying for? I've never had a happier five years. Every second, every memory, is cherished. I know that I wouldn't have walked away and left him behind. But who's to say? Maybe I would have changed it. Maybe I wouldn't have taken so much for granted. Maybe I would have told him that I love him. Maybe we'd be together now. Maybe in doing this, something would have changed. Maybe I wouldn't be dying right now. I know that I'll never know. And I'm glad I didn't know. If I have to say goodbye to him, I'm happy that I didn't see it coming all those years ago. It would have been like a countdown. How many more days with Mulder? And it would have been pure torture. Maybe we're not meant to know. Maybe if we see, we change things that aren't meant to be changed. Somehow I find myself believing that things are supposed to be this way. Our lives are better left somewhat out of our control. Maybe things happen for reasons. We've come so far together. And I still wouldn't change a day. I think this is a warning, a wake up call. And I know that I can't leave him without his knowing all of this. I've, we've, still got time. I realize that I could have missed all this pain. But I would have missed all this love, all this hope, all the smiles and tears, the good times and bad. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. But the pain I'm going through now has been another part of our journey, another chapter in our lives. And things have come of it, too. The night he held me in Scranton was because of it. This growing rift between us had been because of it. Somehow we've never been closer, but we've never been farther apart. And I know it's because of me. I know it's because of my fear. I've held things back from him. My emotions, even my health. And he's entitled to know about both of those. He's sacrificed so much for me, and sometimes I act as though all he's done is take. Sure, he can be caught up in his work sometimes. But I know that if it came down to it, he'd choose me over the X-Files. And now I've pushed him away. Right now I should be with him. Right now he should be here hearing me say this. But because of my stubbornness and stupidity, he isn't. God only knows where he is and who he's with. I just don't want to hurt him. I'm still hiding from him. Maybe I've been hiding long enough. It was right in front of us. All we had to do was reach out and take it. We were standing at heaven's gate. Then the gates slammed shut. But I hold the key. Maybe it's time to open the gates back up again. ------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------ -- Scully picked up her phone and hit number one on the speed dialer. Mulder's familiar voice met her ears. "Mulder." "Hi... it's me." THE END "The Dance" Garth Brooks Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment All the world was right How could I have known That you'd ever say goodbye? And I, I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Holding you, I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known How the key would fall Hey who's to say You know I might have changed it all And I, I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Yes my life It's better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Soooooo... whatcha think??? Please, whether you loved it or hated it, e-mail me and let me know. If you hated it, maybe if enough of you tell me I'll shut up. Not likely, but I've gotta do something to get yunz to write! If you loved it, well... I love you!!! And maybe I'll get my next one out sooner! So lemme know, huh? Creyente@aol.com My other fanfic: "Valley of the Shadow of Death" "Right Before Your Eyes (Faith Trust Love) "Cry in the Night" "Purple Nailpolish" "The Dance" (totally unrelated to this!) All are on the Gossamer Archives (Thank heaven for the folks at Gossamer, huh?)