From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 21:16:00 -0500
Subject: \"...I Cry for You\" -post requiem- by DScully141
Source: direct

Reply To: DScully141@aol.com


"I Cry for You"

Author: DScully141

Rating: PG

Feeback:  Yes please!

Summary:  A sad Scully peice.

Disclaimer:  No they don't belong
to me yada yada yada...all things X belong
to Chris Carter and 1013 productions.

    You come out of the dark and into 
the light.  The fog swirls relentlessy 
around my eyes, masking my view of your 
beautiful form. I reach out to touch you, 
to feel you...if only for a second.  And I 
close my eyes, silently praying that when 
I open them again,  You will still be 
standing here in front of me.  I have 
given up so much in my life.  So much 
has been taken from me.  And through it 
all I have only one regret.  I open my 
eyes again and feel the relief wash over 
me as you stand there smiling into the 
wind.  I did not say the words that I had 
felt for so long.  I could not say them.  
The phrase forms on my lips, but I find 
that I cannot voice them.  The fog swirls 
again and I lose sight of you.  Afraid, 
and alone, I wander through the forest, 
calling your name.  The last rays of the 
sun peak through the tall trees and light 
a pebble stoned path leading towards some 
inevitable end. I look to the sky, using 
the red stained clouds for guidance. 

    The path becomes steep and my breath 
burns in my lungs.  I can feel the tiny 
pin pricks run through my fingers and up 
my palms.  The sensation reveals that I 
am still alive.  My sorrowful heart pumping 
thick blood through my vessels, in a weak 
attempt to simulate some kind of a life.  
The truth is, I am no longer alive.  I 
died the night he left to chase truths 
of the unknown.  And here I am climbing 
towards my fate.  Alone.

    The trees thin out and I come to the 
edge of the rocky cliff.  Out ahead of me 
spreads a wide expanse of mountain rock, 
trees sprinkling the rims.  The sky kisses 
the ground in that oh so reverant way, and 
the sun spreads her oranges and purples 
across the evening sky.  My hair billows 
softly around my tear stained face.  It is 
only then that I realize I have been here 
before.  I breathe deeply, filling my lungs 
with rich life preserving gasses and fall 
to my knees on the sweet grass.  

    My lower lip quivers as I gaze out 
over the canyon and for the first time, 
form the words that I had waited a lifetime 
to say.

    " I never wanted to give you any reason 
to doubt my abilities, or my strength.  I 
always found it hard to let myself go in 
front of you, because I didn't want you to 
feel that you had to protect me. All those 
times I nearly lost you, and I said nothing.  
I kept those things hidden Mulder..."  I 
feel the tears begin to sting my eyes again.

    "I kept them locked away deep inside, 
because I was afraid to admit them.  Mulder, 
I was afraid to admit them for what they 
might mean.  How could I have been so stupid?  
I went on through the years...telling myself 
that I had all the time in the world.  That 
there was always tomorrow."

    I lower my head and bite down on my 
lip.  The tears stream down my face, and 
onto my trembling hands.  

    "But that isn't true is it?  There isn't 
always tomorrow and if I had only known 
that I didn't have any time in the world...
Damnit Mulder I would have told you!" 

    I break down, sobs wracking my pain 
filled body,  my hands falling to my sides.  
Of all the things I didn't do, of all the 
things that I couldn't accomplish, this was 
the one thing that killed me.  I was dying 
inside all because I hadn't had the courage 
to say what I had felt every day for 8 years.  

    The sun has gone down, and now the 
moon and stars reign over the warm, 
darkening summer sky.  I open my eyes and 
stare at the brightest star I can find.  
The ghostly white glow fills my broken heart 
with warmth and hope.   I shiver in the 
cool grass, and squint as the clouds roll 
over the canyon and the rain begins to fall.  
The shower washes over me and my tears begin 
to fall in tandum.  

    I let my heart break, over and over 
again.  I feel the tears roll down my cheeks 
and I sob at the painful emotion that tears 
through me.  The rain pours down on top of 
me, weighing me to the hurtful earth.  I cry 
for vengeance, and I cry for mercy.  I cry for 
hurt and I cry for fear.  I cry for hope and 
I cry for light...and finally, when I feel 
that I can no longer cry, and that the rain 
can no longer fall....a new storm blows 
through the canyon, carrying with it the 
sting of a thousand thorns. The light of 
the moon seeps through the walls of water 
and illuminates my face.  I stand, closing 
my eyes to the falling rain.  If I had only 
known Mulder....

    Lightening crashes across the canyon as 
the rain and tears continue to fall.  It is 
not vengeance nor mercy I cry for now, it 
is not hurt or fear.  It is no longer hope, 
or a search for light.  The tears I cry now....
I cry for you.