From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 07:45:42 -0500
Subject: I Have To Find Him by Sunny1013
Source: direct

Reply To: sunnyme1013@hotmail.com


Title: I Have To Find Him 1/1
Author:  Sunny1013
Rating:  PG
Category:  MSR (warning: kinda mushy)
Archive:  Anywhere as long as these headers stay 
attached.  And please let me know. Thanks
Spoilers:  Requiem post ep (what else)
Summary:  Scully POV.  Scully ruminates on current 
circumstances
Disclaimer:  I don't own Mulder, Scully, Skinner or the 
Lone Gunmen.  I do have a certain fondness for the 
whole lot and I am simply borrowing them for my story.



I think I first realized that I might possibly love him 
way back when he had been relentlessly tailing Eugene 
Tooms and we were in his car... me trying to convince him 
to go home and get some sleep and regaling him with the 
bureau stake out policy and him steadfastly defending 
his vigil.  He told me he was worried about me getting 
a black mark on my record because of him and I told him 
I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but him... I 
was so earnest I even opened my statement calling him 
Fox (for the first and last time).  I think my honest 
remark, in all honesty took him slightly aback.  Then, 
the look in his eyes when he responded with "If there's 
an ice tea in that bag... could be love."  That look, 
that comment, made me feel like a pubescent teenager 
all over again.  I blushed so fiercely I had to look 
down quickly in an effort to hide it and made a job of 
removing that damned root beer from the bag it was 
buried in wishing the whole time that I had brought him 
ice tea.  I thought I recovered well though (good thing 
it was dark in the car).  I think that moment was the 
very first time I disguised my feelings and I grew 
quite good at it over the years.  In hindsight I know 
without a doubt that he and I were meant to be together 
in this lifetime.  Too many things have happened to 
bring and keep us together.  It is my belief that it is 
no mere coincidence we have ended up on the same path, 
drawn to the other's side lest we be lost.  Over the 
years, even though we became close friends, we kept our 
relationship professional and platonic.  Now I know 
that I have never felt such a surpassing love for 
anyone in my life as the love I feel for him.

I wonder sometimes why I kept him at arms length for so 
long. Why I let myself be afraid of admitting and 
acting upon the feelings I knew I had for him, feelings 
I knew he shared.  Thank goodness he was so patient.  
The intimacy we have so recently shared in addition to 
the intimacy of our friendship is the most fulfilling 
and incredible feeling I have ever known.  There is 
absolutely nothing to compare it to.  Now as sit in 
this hospital room donning my clothes for departure 
(with the newfound knowledge of his child come to life 
in my womb), I wonder on this miracle and I worry as 
well.  I question how this child (our child) could 
possibly be... I wonder where he is?  Is he okay... are 
they hurting him?  Can he hear my thoughts?  I can feel 
him and that comforts me to some small degree, but the 
pain in my heart at his absence, especially now, is so 
acute that I don't know how I will endure it.  However, 
I know I must and I will.  I have to find him.  Without 
him I am incomplete.  I fastened my cross around his 
neck before he left and it is the talisman that will 
bring him back to me, to us.  I have to have faith in 
that.  Faith that he is being watched over and taken 
care of. I sit here and imagine me giving him the news 
that he is to be a father... the father of our child.  I 
am certain the knowledge would make him very happy.  
Happy for me mostly I think, but also happy for 
himself, for us.  I can almost see the lopsided grin on 
his face from the news.  My world is on a tilt with the 
realization that I will not see him later today or 
tomorrow... I won't be able to give him the good news.  I 
can't keep the tears at bay.

Skinner came by earlier and he was a complete mess.  I 
know he was dreading coming to see me... to tell me.  He 
didn't know the Gunmen had contacted me earlier, so I 
didn't make him say the words.  He feels responsible in 
some way for Mulder's disappearance.  I think he 
thought I would blame him.  I don't.  I had a bad 
feeling about this from the start and would have 
insisted on going back to Oregon with Mulder if it 
hadn't been for those dizzy spells I was suffering.  I 
admit I was afraid to go.  I was afraid my cancer might 
be back and I was afraid of the same thing Mulder was 
afraid of... that if I went I would be abducted again.  
The possibility that the dizzy spells were the result 
of my body adjusting itself to the new life growing 
inside me had never entered my mind.  Now I know I 
should have gone.  I might have been able to keep him 
here.  I would have been the only one who had a chance 
of doing so.  I will not dwell on this thought, it is 
too damning and I cannot wallow in self guilt.  Not 
now.

I told Skinner about my pregnancy and he was only 
slightly surprised.  I think he forgot for a moment 
that I was supposedly barren, even with me voicing my 
incredulity and wonderment.  He obviously had no doubt 
whatsoever as to the child's parentage, because the 
first question he asked me was if Mulder knew.  I shook 
my head in the negative and a fresh wave of tears 
streamed down my face.  Skinner, bless his heart patted 
my shoulder and tried to comfort me.  He doesn't know 
that I cannot be comforted, but I let him try anyway.  
After the tears ebb, I feel the absurd need to explain 
that the intimate nature of mine and Mulder's 
relationship is a new circumstance that neither of us 
planned.  It is rather embarrassing trying to explain 
and I fumble over the words.  He quiets me, telling me 
that the personal nature of my relationship with Mulder 
is none of his or anyone else's business.  Then he 
remembers something and asks how I could be pregnant, 
wasn't I unable to conceive a child.  I agree and tell 
him that is why I am so amazed by the news.  We ponder 
on a few possibilities.  The most plausible (and 
desired) is that maybe a few of my ova survived through 
the experiments I was subjected to all those years ago 
and I just got lucky...  (Skinner seemed amused by this 
and said something about Mulder and his luck)  ...or that 
maybe whatever I was subjected to on that alien ship I 
was imprisoned on had some regenerative healing effect.  
I told him of the strange and unexplainable events I 
witnessed in Africa... the sea of blood, the visions of 
the old man, the fish coming back to life, etc.  I told 
him of my more recent trip with the cigarette smoking 
man and some of the things he had revealed to me and 
being certain that he had drugged me, since I had dozed 
off in the car and woke up in a bed in my pajamas.  
Maybe that smarmy bastard did something to me then 
(that thought alone makes me shudder) or he had 
something done to me while I was unconscious...  We 
laughed about the possibility that the "genie" Mulder 
and I had recently come into contact with had something 
to do with it (I refuse to seriously entertain that 
idea at all).  I remember Mulder teasing me for a time 
after I asked him what his last wish was, he had 
finally relented and told me that his wish was for the 
genie to be freed.  In a teasingly seductive voice, I 
told him what an absolutely amazing person he was for 
making such an unselfish wish.  He winked at me and 
said the genie was very very grateful.  This earned him 
a playful swat on the arm from me, which in turn led to 
other more enjoyable activities.  Needless to say, we 
didn't spend the evening watching Caddyshack.  God, I 
miss him so much.  I reach down an curve my hands over 
my abdomen below my bellybutton in an attempt to cradle 
our unborn child.  The tears fall unbidden and I let 
them.  I need to get all the tears out now.  I won't 
have time for them later.  I have to find him and I 
need all the strength I can muster for him and for our 
child.

The doctor says all the tests came back normal and I 
seem to be feeling fine now.  I am told that if the 
vertigo gets worse along with some nausea, I can get 
some medication for it, but it is recommended I just 
ride it out.  Eat saltines, drink water, sit down... etc. 
I finish getting dressed and exit the room.  The guys 
are waiting for me.  They came to take me to my car and 
hovered around me as if they thought I was going to 
break.  I know their hearts are in the right place, but 
I won't be responsible for the verbal lashing they will 
receive if they don't cut it out.  Once we get to my 
car, I offer them my thanks and make tracks.  As soon 
as I get home first thing I am going to do is to book 
the first flight to Bellefleur Oregon.  Skinner won't 
be happy, but I will not be stopped.

The End...

Author's Notes:
Thanks for reading my story.  I hope you enjoyed it.  I 
would like to know what you thought and feedback would 
be very welcome (sunnyme1013@hotmail.com).