From: "Dana Mulder" Date: Mon, 04 Dec 2000 21:15:50 -0600 Subject: I Haven't Told Him Source: direct Title: "I Haven't Told Him" Author: Cassandra Mulder Rating: G Archive: Anywhere reputable, as long as you e-mail me about it first, and leave my name attached. Classifications: Vignette, MSR, Longing :) Disclaimer: For the 50th time, I don't own the X-Files, it's Chris Carter's baby. Author's Notes: I wrote this while thinking about all the things Scully might want to tell Mulder, but she's never had the courage to say them. This is just my take on that. Feedback: Very much appreciated! At dana_mulder31@hotmail.com POV: Scully ******************************************************* I love him. I really do, but he doesn't know it. I haven't told him. Surely he knows that I care for him, he has to know that by now. But love....somehow it has never come up. Even friends say they love each other, but not us. In some strange way, maybe we both think it would change something. I don't even understand it myself. I wish he knew how much he means to me. But I haven't told him. He doesn't know how much I appreciate him trying to protect me. Even when I'm playing the independent, strong woman, who's perfectly capable of doing everything by herself, I need him beside me. He is my strength, my truth, my touchstone. The latter he knows, but the rest I haven't told him. He needs to know that I could never live without him. But I haven't told him. He doesn't know that I could stay in his arms forever when he holds me, or how I could positively drown in his eyes given the chance. He has beautiful eyes. He doesn't know I want him to hold me, and I want to drown in those eyes, and I want so much more for us. He can't know, and he won't know, because I haven't told him. Without him, I wouldn't have made it through my father's death, my abduction, Pfaster, Melissa's death, my cancer, and finding and losing Emily. When I didn't have anyone else, he was always there beside me, to comfort me. Not telling me everything would be all right, because he knew that wasn't true, but telling me that I could and would make it through. And through him believing in me, I did make it through. I'll always have the strength of his beliefs. But I haven't told him that in a long time. I want to be with him forever, but I haven't told him. To imagine my life without him now is impossible, unfathomable to the greatest extent. He's become as much a part of me as my own heartbeat, my own breath. To lose him would be like losing a part of myself, an injury from which I could never recover. Life without him would mean nothing, and I don't think that I could go on. In the end, it all comes down to him. Not the government, the conspiracies, the lies, the cover-ups, aliens, or mysterious men, only him. He's all I think about, and all I need at the end of the day. But I haven't told him. The End