***************************************************************************** This author's email address has changed to: Caelura@aol.com ***************************************************************************** From: StevensToy Date: 5 Aug 1998 02:36:16 GMT Subject: "I is for Insects" by Heather Scotland TITLE: "I is for Insects" AUTHOR: Heather Scotland RATING: PG-13 for a teeny bit of language. CONTENT: Humour! **SUMMARY**: Mulder has ant problems. BIG problems. DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Don't sue me. Thank you. AUTHOR'S NOTES: (yeah, I know...) This story is pure fluff...don't expect any deep insights. Thank you to everyone who sends me feedback, and thank you in advance for all the people that are GOING to send me feedback...right? And thanks to RhymePhile, of course, my new writing buddy and co-conspirator (watch for our FIRST COLLABORATIVE story! Whoo boy!), and thank you to the few people who send me feedback consistently, you know who you are, and thanks to the great state of California, which has made me so screwed up, I can write this stuff. ;-) That's a lot of `and' s. Whew. Now go enjoy the story! .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. Mulder opened the shower door and screamed. The bathtub was crawling with bugs. Big ones. Humongous ones! They looked like they were going to eat him alive any second! He ran through his apartment, trying to find the farthest geographical place from the bugs and called Scully. She found him huddled in the linen closet when she got there 30 minutes later. He was wearing only a towel and was a quivering, shaking, Jell-O-like mass of fear. "Scullleeeeee!" he whimpered, clutching her like she was his savior. She swatted him away, concerned that he was getting *stuff* on her pant suit. She didn't know what, just *stuff*. Mulder was always covered in some evil stuff that would get on her clothes and never come out. Her dry cleaner-lady hated her. The little Asian lady glowered every time she walked in with a fresh bundle of liver-eating mutant-slime-covered clothing. "What's wrong, Mulder? Did that evil Barney come inside your head again?" she said, recalling a previous incident that happened before her time in the Bureau where Mulder flipped out over the Purple Dinosaur and ran screaming throughout the hallowed halls of the J. Edgar Hoover building in nothing but a kilt. "Nnnn-nooooooooooo!" he hollered. "There's bugs in my bathroom! Big ones! I think they were planning to kill me and eat me!" "I wouldn't be surprised, considering all the stuff you wash down the drain," she quipped. "Let me go see." .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. TRAVELING MUSIC!!! as Scully walks down the hall, passing mounds of clothing and files and just *stuff*. Music fades out as she reaches her destination: Mulder's Bathroom. END TRAVELING MUSIC .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. "Mulder, they're just ants." She gazed impassively into the bathtub, which was crawling with tiny little ants. Regular ants. The picnic kind. The rainy-day in the kitchen kind. No big deal. "No, Scully, those are not `just' ants. They may look like mere ants to you, but a few minutes ago, they were massing for attack. They were BIG. They had called out all the old, mean fat ants, and were going to kill me. I mean it! I can sense these things." "Suuuuuuuure you can. I believe you. Why don't you just grab some bug spray and gas them all?" He shook his head until his towel almost fell off. "No way. If I kill even one of them, they'll jump me and wrestle me to the ground." Scully looked at him like he was crazy. "I'll do it for you. Let's go to the store." They exited. .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. TRAVELING MUSIC SEQUENCE Mulder turned on the car radio on the way to the store. Mulder sings along: "He told me "Ooo eee, oooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang...oooo eee, oooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang!" They reach their destination: The Store. END TRAVELING MUSIC .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. They stood in the local Super-Huge Vastly Large Market, staring at the entire aisle crammed full of "pest-care" products. On the facing aisle, there were "Pet-Care" products, just in case you changed your mind and decided to develop a relationship with your pests and make them a part of the family. Scully wondered. Mulder wondered. They both stared. "How about Die! Ant, Die!" Scully said, picking up a bright green bottle. "We need something stronger. These aren't just ordinary ants." "Ummmm....Ant Be Gone?" "Stronger." "Chemical Ant Repellent...guaranteed or your money back." "That's a little closer...still stronger, though." "So Strong You'll Have Only the Hideous Little Stains Where Ants Used To Be But They Will No Longer Exist For Miles Around Due to the Overpowering Stench Formula." He grinned. "You're making that up." "So? Let's just grab a can and get out of here." Their searching was all in vain, because they just grabbed a can of Raid and scrammed. On the way to the checkout aisle, Mulder grabbed some Milano Cookies, a doughnut, some ready-made cookie dough, marshmallow fluff, and peanut butter. Scully was disgusted. Mulder temporarily forgot about the ants due to his sugar-euphoria. .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. MORE TRAVELING MUSIC!!! Car radio turned back on when they re-enter the vehicle. Mulder sings along: "They made him blow a bugle for his Uncle Sam, it really brought him down because he could not jam...." Scully: hangs head out window to get away from Mulder's falsetto. They arrive back at Mulder's apartment. END TRAVELING MUSIC .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. The ants were still there. In fact, they DID seem to have multiplied since the last time Scully looked at them. "More ants...hmm" was all she said. Mulder didn't buy that for a second. "See! Now you have to believe me! They're coming for me!" The insects in question milled around in the bottom of the tub, and friends joined them from the sides of the walls and the drain. Scully prepped her can of `Raid' and told Mulder to stand back. "Hold on a second" was all he said as he ran from the room. He returned wearing a gas-mask and looking slightly like a giant bug himself, due to the 2 air filters on the front of the mask. He also had a fly-swatter in his hand. "Ready." Grabbing the can firmly in her right hand, Scully took a deep breath, held it, and pushed the spray button. Clouds of disgusting gas and liquid poured from the can, and the ants were covered in it. After exhausting the entire can, and running out of breath, Scully stopped and stepped into the other room for some air. Mulder followed, his breath rasping through the mask. "Did it work?" he asked. "I don't know. Let's give it a minute." She went and flopped on Mulder's couch, turning on the T.V. On the Nature Channel, there was a documentary on about a very rare species of rabbit, which was pictured in it native habitat, chewing on a candy-bar wrapper. "Native, my ass," she said, flipping around and finding nothing of interest. She stared up at the ceiling, letting her mind wander. Upon taking a closer look, they turned out to be ANTS! Scully shrieked and ran into the hallway, where Mulder was brandishing his flyswatter at the enormous line of ants that was parading out of his bathroom. "Shoo! Back! Get away, stupid ants! All I want to do is take a shower! Go away!" he was screaming. "Sculllleeeee!!! The ants are coming! The ants are coming!" he cried. "I know!" was all she could say. There were ants everywhere! On the floor, on the ceiling, on the *stuff* lying about. "What do we do?" Mulder yelled, whacking the ants, which were unaffected by his blows. What was one limp swat to a creature that could carry over 10 times its body weight? "Run awayyyyyy!" she cried, doing her best Monty Python imitation. They headed for the front door, hearing (or were they) the pitter-patter of millions of ants, coming after them to redress some wrong. Mulder's towel flapped in the wind. .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. TRAVELING MUSIC "And the ants go marching one by one, Hurrah! Hurrah! The ants go marching one by one, HURRAH! HURRAH!" Mulder and Scully run screaming from the building, chased by the ants, which go marching on, hurrah. END TRAVELING MUSIC .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. "Mulder...what's that on your towel?" "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!" .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. FADE TO BLACK .:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:.:~:. THE END Okay...how dumb was this one? This was the idea I had, and I just had to stick with it, for some reason. I need some feedback...tell me what you thought! You took the time to read the story, you can take 2 more minutes to drop me a simple line. It doesn't have to be anything special. Reward an author! :-) that's all for the speeches....stay tuned for "J is For..." well, whatever J is going to be for. I'm taking suggestions for story ideas...anything you want to see in these stories! Heather Scotland

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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
ICQ# 15386711