From: LAinNJ@aol.com
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 10:49:56 EST
Subject: I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM by L.A. (1/2)


hi all...this is the sequel to LOSING SCULLY. please read that first to
understand where i'm coming from.

enjoy!

xxxxxx

TITLE: I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM (1/2)
AUTHOR: L.A.
E-MAIL: LAinNJ@aol.com

CATEGORY: V/A. If I ever write fluffy bunny stories, shoot me.
RATING: PG-13. Words and actions, kidlets.
SPOILERS: I assume that everyone has seen this funky little show called THE X-
FILES. Of course, you know what happens when you assume, right???
KEYWORDS: MSR
SUMMARY: Can Scully forgive and forget? Sequel to LOSING SCULLY.

ARCHIVE INFO: Please post this anywhere you want. Names and places are good
things to know. And my addy should be somewhere on it. 

FEEDBACK: Makes the world go round. Keep mine revolving. LAinNJ@aol.com

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Scully and Mulder belong to Gillian Anderson and
David Duchovny. I humbly borrow them in light of the heart and soul they have
given them. They also belong to Chris Carter, who I revere because of his
vision. So I thank them for allowing me to borrow and promise to return them
none the worse for wear. That said...is suing me really worth the time and
aggravation???

SPECIAL THANKS: to my glorious beta readers, Chris and Amanda, for giving me
the creative "push" i needed to finish this...and also to Shari, who
originally told me to take a step back and not rush it. tons of thanks and
gratitude! What would I do without you fellow 'philes!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote a story, LOSING SCULLY, that was received extremely
well. To everyone who has responded with the great feedback and demands for
the sequel, I say thanks! This has been a long time coming mainly because
LOSING SCULLY was a 2-hour story where I didn't think. It came to me and bang!
Done! This one I have had to think about and am still trying to pick myself
from the writer's block wall that I hurled myself into. 

So...armed with the Phil Collins CD HELLO, I MUST BE GOING once again and the
soundtrack to CITY OF ANGELS, I attempted to make this story as good as the
first. It's from Scully's POV and I hope it manages to give her a fair voice
like Mulder had in LOSING SCULLY. If you want to take a gander at that story,
it might be a good thing to do. 

In any event, here is the sequel. For everyone's patience...this story is for
you. Enjoy.

xxxxxxxxxx

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM
by L.A.

xxxxxxxxxx

And I don't want the world to see me,
Cos I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
~IRIS, The GooGoo Dolls, CITY OF ANGELS soundtrack

xxxxxxxxxx

I don't suppose I'll really know how I knew it would be Mulder calling me. I
mean, after nearly a year of wondering when he would swallow that damn
stubborn pride of his and apologize for making me feel like shit when I was
trying to help him, I'd almost reached the point of no return. But something
told me that it would be him.

That and the fact that I rarely use my cell phone anymore.

Not that I have given up on it all together, mind you. I still carry it in
case of the proverbial emergency. But since I spend my days doing autopsies
and teaching, the need to say "Mulder, it's me" seems to have vanished.
Instead, anyone who wants to reach me can do so through my office, which
signals to my beeper when I'm not around. Or, if push comes to shove, they
call me at home. And nine times out of ten, manage to interrupt dinner with
Andrew.

Andrew.

I know what you are thinking. How could I have gone to another man so easily.
Let me let you in on a secret: Andrew is the first man in a long time that
loves me for ME. Not because I am running interference for him or having a
secret affair with him or a psychotic one-night stand with him. He completely
loves me.

And I completely love him.

Oh, it was hard at first. Once I left Mulder on that last day, I swore to
myself that I would never get in this position again. It wasn't fair to me
anymore.

So after I left the office, I decided to think about it. Actually, to drive
and think. For some strange reason, I ended up at a pub in Georgetown. I have
no idea why. At best, I am a casual drinker. After 3 or 4, I can usually be
found on the floor wondering how the hell I got there. The thing was, I had
been numbed by Mulder's words. So numb it didn't register with me that the
person I saw in the mirror behind the rows of bottles, holding a glass of
scotch waiting to burn a trail down her throat, was me. 

Who said that words don't hurt. 

Look at me. I'm 34 years old. A medical doctor. A special agent with the FBI.
And about to try and drink my problems away. Not the right answer. As I took
in my reflection, a gentle voice broke into my reverie.

"It really sucks to drink alone."

For an instant, I thought Mulder had followed me here. I turned to my right
and was face to face with the most exquisite pair of brown eyes I had ever
seen. I instinctively held my breath as I searched the rest of the face. And I
was not disappointed with what I saw.

Andrew is an incredibly handsome man. With light brown, wavy hair, those brown
eyes and a face that is, dare I say, a cross between Mulder and Mel Gibson. I
found myself, normally so cool and reserved, actually melting at his gaze. And
then I found my tongue.

"Only if you are bemoaning the fact that you ARE alone."

He smiled at me and I actually found comfort from it. He beckoned the
bartender over and ordered himself another drink, asking with his gaze if I
needed a refill. I looked at my still full glass and shook my head. His drink
before him, he raised the glass to me.

"To being alone."

I smiled at the impromptu toast and raised my glass to his. And then we
talked. For hours. He poured his heart out to me and I gave him a condensed
version of mine. I am never one to confess my true feelings about anything.
Ahab always told me to hold my cards close to my chest, never letting anyone
see them. "The element of surprise," he had told me. 

xxxxxxxxxx

Let me make this perfectly clear from the get-go: We did NOT have a one-night
stand. I think that I am responsible enough that I wouldn't sleep with the
first man that I saw after leaving Mulder. And no, Ed Jerse doesn't count. As
much as Mulder would like to believe that I HAD slept with him, we didn't. I
had a few too many and, with the exception of him being a psychotic, he was a
gentleman who ended up sleeping on the couch that night. Mulder asked me about
that experience one time, after we had just finished making love.

"Scully," he murmured, tracing his hand up and down my arm. "What was the
wildest sex you've ever had?"

I yawned and snuggled into his embrace. "You mean besides what we just did?"

He laughed. "You mean that beats you and Ed Jerse?"

I stiffened at the mention of his name. "Mulder, contrary to popular belief,
Ed and I didn't sleep together." His shock bore into me. He thought I had
really done it. "You thought I slept with him, didn't you?"

Mulder struggled for the right words. "Well, Scully...the evidence...I
mean...you stayed the night."

Mulder would have NEVER made a good lawyer. All he had to do was come out and
say "Yes. I thought you screwed him" and I would have responded in kind.
Instead, I felt my heart throbbing in my throat and my chest got a little
tighter as I swallowed the tears that were creeping up. Why was I about to
cry? Because my partner and lover didn't trust me? That he would question my
morals and then try to cover it up with talk of the 'evidence' was a blow.

I decided to take the high road. I wouldn't let him see me cry about this. We
had enough problems over this time in our lives. "Mulder, how could I sleep
with him when all I've ever wanted was you?" His shock was genuine. He looked
into my eyes and saw his truth nestled there, that HE was my everything. Not
another word was spoken that night. Instead, our silent communication
sustained us, made us whole again.

So, it goes without say that I was NOT looking to start something I couldn't
finish. I was looking for someone to finally look at ME. Something Mulder
hadn't done for a long time. Oh, he saw me, but unless I fit in with his
overall game plan, I was relinquished to be Scully, the everfaithful partner.
But that night, after we had gone back to my apartment, after the proverbial
stuttering and offers of coffee and talk, I became someone that I hadn't been
in a long time. I became Dana. 

And Andrew had helped me find myself.

Not that everything has been hearts and flowers, mind you. Our schedules are
very demanding and the rare moments that we are able to spend together are few
and far in-between. We try to make things good, but sometimes you just can't
help not being able to do this or that. And, within the past few weeks, we
have found ourselves sniping at each other, arguing over the smallest things
and basically for no reason other than to argue.

Not unlike my relationship with Mulder, I often think to myself.

xxxxxxxxxx

I kept telling myself if Mulder was to call, I would not bother talking to
him. So much time had passed that the gap he had created widened to a huge,
jagged tear, one that would take a small miracle to repair. I wasn't holding a
grudge against him. I am not that petty. But neither was it up to me to make
the first move. His words had hurt me that much.

Correction. His words cut me to my soul. 

After all the shit we had been through in 5 years, after all the sleepless
nights I spent worrying about him, after giving him my heart and soul, he
crushed me with his words. So you can see why it's so hard for me to forget.
He told me to get the hell out of his life. This from the man that I shared my
bed with, shared my LIFE with. He knew me better than ANYONE. He was my best
friend, my confidante. So how he could do this so easily will forever be a
mystery, locked alongside the mystery of how I can still picture myself making
love to him, even when I'm with Andrew.

Andrew is a tender, considerate lover. We blend together so well that we
become one. Just as Mulder and I had once. I can still remember the first time
we made love. Typical Mulder style - a truly poetic night.

It was a particularly harrowing case, involving a serial killer that shot,
then carved and mutilated his victims. Mulder was called to profile him and I
was called to identify the victim, or what was left of her. Mulder threw
himself into the case, as he always did. He managed to create a scary, dead-on
picture of our killer. He even knew when he would strike again, quicker than
the first time. 

So we got a break, found who we were looking for and cornered him in an
abandoned building. The team went in, led by Mulder and myself. Mulder went
into a room to search and saw the killer trying to escape out a window. He
yelled, "Freeze! FBI!" and that was all it took. The guy went apeshit when he
spun and saw Mulder, firing at him. Fortunately for Mulder, the shot went
wide, missing his head by inches. Unfortunately, the bullet nailed me instead,
ramming into my shoulder. I went down, Mulder screamed my name and bang -- no
more serial killer.

I remember his hands on me, helping me to sit up. The bullet went clean
through and, except for a fiery burning, I was okay. He took me to the
hospital, they stitched me up and we went back to the motel, Mulder barely
letting me do anything. But he couldn't stop me from staring at him in shocked
amazement as he broke down and started sobbing while he helped me with the
sling. I leaned over to grip his shoulder and tell him I was fine. The grip
turned to a gentle massaging of my fingers on his strong arm. He looked at me
with the reverence of one who is staring at the face of God. Leaning up, he
kissed me with the passion of a man on the verge of destruction, claiming my
lips with his own.

I didn't know what to do at first. I think I was a little loopy from the
painkillers. So I stared, wide-eyed as he pulled back. He said one word. And
that was all it took.

"Scully."

Soon, we were lying back on the bed, kissing for all we were worth. Then, the
kisses were replaced by a fevered passion that we both couldn't control. We
made love that night, with him being gentle of me. I gave my being to him. And
he accepted it readily.

xxxxxxxxxx

this is the end of part 1. pick up the rest in part 2. :o)

From: LAinNJ@aol.com
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 10:56:48 EST
Subject: I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM by L.A. (2/2)

xxxxxxxxxx

I can hear his stunned silence on the other end of the phone. I'm sure he
didn't expect my greeting. 

"Hi, Mulder. It's about time." 

I could hear his intake of breath. "Scully. It's...it's good to hear your
voice."

I smiled. The thought of Mulder trying to find the right words struck me as
funny. "You too, Mulder. How have you been?"

"I've...you know...I've been good. You know how it is, hunting mutants and
little gray men all day long."

My words were like ice, even though I didn't mean for them to be. "I used to
know, Mulder."

He coughed. "Yes, well...I just called to see how you were doing." He paused.
"I hear you are head pathologist now."

I sat back in my chair, taking in my surroundings as I answered. "Yes. I even
have a desk now. And an office." My eyes fell upon my nameplate on the door.
SPECIAL AGENT DANA K. SCULLY, M.D., HEAD OF PATHOLOGY. What irony, I think. In
five years, not so much as a nameplate. Now look at me.

"You certainly deserve it, Scully. All of your hard work has finally paid
off." He paused again. "Listen, Scully, I was wondering...do you think we
could...possibly get...together?" It's almost like I could hear him hold his
breath in anticipation.

"Get together." I responded. "Why Mulder?"

Mulder stuttered a little and caught himself. "I...I want...no...I NEED to see
you, Scully. There are things I have to say that I want to say to YOU, not
over a cell phone."

My heart lurched just a bit. I hadn't seen him in a year. Would it be worth it
now to see him?

"Sure, Mulder. I'll meet you." I glanced at my appointment book. Filled for
the week. I had 2 more classes today, but a break between the 2:30pm and 6pm
sessions. "Can you meet me at Quantico? I'm pretty much booked for the rest of
the week, but I have time between two classes today. How about around 5pm?"

He seemed to be smiling as he talked. "Great, Scully. I'll see you then."

I punched the END button on my cell phone and stared at it, thinking of the
inevitable meeting with my past, until a ringing phone broke through my
reverie. I picked up my desk line. "Scully."

"There's the voice I know and love."

Andrew.

"Hey, what's up?" I replied, shaking my head and trying to clear the mental
image of Mulder.

"Same old. Was wondering if you wanted to go on a date tonight with a man who
thinks the sun rises and sets with you."

I laughed. "I have a class until 8:30, Andrew. Then another hour or more of
paperwork after that. I'll be lucky to get home before midnight."

He sighed audibly. "You know, Dana, it wouldn't hurt to think of your other
priorities now and then."

"Are you saying that I don't?" I asked, bracing for the inevitable quarrel
that was gearing up. Just another day in paradise.

"I'm merely saying that you worked late all last week and, if tonight is any
indication, this week will be the same. Should I have your assistant pencil me
in so I can see you?"

I didn't see THAT remark coming from a mile away. Stunned, I found my voice,
my hurt dangling off my words. "That's not fair, Andrew. You knew what my job
was when we first met. I can't just drop everything and rush home because YOU
happen to have a free night."

"Not like you would anyway," he mumbled.

I got mad then. The slow burn that was starting was ready to burst forth and
take hostages. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

I could hear him trying to get a handle on the situation. We had been arguing
so much lately that every conversation was like being poised on a ledge, just
waiting to topple over. "It means that you make next to no sacrifices for this
relationship. You are so consumed by your work that you barely have time for
me anymore. You said that when you accepted this job that you were going to
have an easier schedule, that you would be home at a decent hour. Instead, I
am stuck with a microwave dinner and the remote control."

I put my head in my hand and let out a sigh. "You know, Andrew, you are so
quick to point out how I make no sacrifices that you overlook the ones YOU
never make."

"I don't make sacrifices for you?"

"Actually..." I paused and thought about this. He didn't. He truly wanted
someone to be at his beck and call and I wasn't the person. Not right now.
"No, Andrew, you don't. You want me to be there 100% for you and yet you
begrudge me if I so much as ask you to go to an FBI function with me."

"Now you're exaggerating," Andrew said, his voice raising. "I have never once
refused to go to ANY function with you."

"But," I said, massaging my temples. A headache was coming on. "To get you to
go is like pulling damn teeth."

I heard a loudspeaker in the background. "Dr. Kingston to ICU. Dr. Kingston,
ICU."

"Shit, I have to go," Andrew said. "We'll finish this conversation later."

"Whatever," I replied.

He sighed. "I love you, Dana." Then he hung up, his voice replaced by the
incessant buzz of disconnection.

"Yeah, I love you too," I said to the sound.

But now I wasn't sure if I meant it anymore.

xxxxxxxxxx

It's amazing how much slower the day can go when you are waiting for something
to happen. I passed the remainder of my time reading reports and teaching a
class. My six o'clock class was cancelled due to a scheduling conflict, so I
prepared for a lecture I would be giving at the Hoover building and got myself
ready for the inevitable. At 4:50, my assistant Dorie knocked on my door.

"Dr. Scully? There is a Special Agent Mulder here to see you." She gripped the
handle and waited for my response.

I put my notes aside and took off my glasses. "Show him in, Dorie."

She turned her back away and less than a minute later, I was face to face with
Mulder. He stood in the door, staring at me and adjusting his tie. I noticed
right away that his taste in neckwear had not improved with time.

"Dr. Scully, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna take off. I have an appointment
in the city at 6:30 and you know how traffic is."

"Sure, Dorie. I'll see you tomorrow." I smile at her and look towards Mulder
to beckon him in. He crossed to where I was now standing and started to reach
for me, to give me a hug I think, but was stopped as he saw my hand raise up
to shake his. Giving me a sickly grin, he grasped it and shook. For a second I
was afraid he wouldn't let go.

"Scully. It's...you look great."

I motion for him to sit down as I dropped in the chair next to him. "Thank
you, Mulder. You look good too." I turned to face him in the chair. "So, now
that you are here, what did you want to talk about?"

Mulder smiled. "Same old Scully. Cutting right to the chase."

I gave him THE look. It had been a long time. "I don't feel we need to beat
around the bush, Mulder. You wanted to see me. Now you are here. So speak."

He looked at the floor. I could tell that his mind was saying that this was a
mistake. "I...I obviously have had a long time to think about things. I guess
I figured that you would be back. I never dreamed that you wouldn't be."

"Mulder, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you or did you not tell me to get
the hell out of your life?" My eyes are boring into his and I know he's
uncomfortable.

"It was the heat of the moment, Scully. I didn't mean it."

I stare incredulously. "You didn't MEAN it? After all this time, you can sit
there and say that to me? You. Didn't. Mean. It. Am I understanding this
correctly?"

He sighs. This is not going well for him. I can see the wheels turning and he
is going to take a different approach. "Can you honestly say that you didn't
miss me?"

"I did, Mulder. I did miss you."

"Well obviously not that much if you are living with someone else and--" He
catches himself as he says it and knows that I am furious without a word
escaping my lips.

I stand, my face turning red with barely controlled anger. "THAT is none of
your business. You deemed it necessary to tell me to leave. After everything
we had shared, everything we had been to each other. And now you are going to
throw my life in my face and make me feel guilty?" I stride over to the door
and open it. "Mulder, leave. Have a nice life."

He stands up and comes over to the door. I think he is going to leave but he
doesn't. Instead, he closes the door and pushes me up against it. Suddenly, he
is there. Everywhere. His hands are in my hair, tracing down my throat, his
tongue pushing my lips open and invading my mouth greedily, wanting more of me
than is available. I was melting into his embrace against my better judgement
and found that I was powerless to stop it. I had forgotten what his kisses did
to me, how I would go weak with the hunger of it. He knew this and took
advantage. I could feel his hands roaming up and down my body, playing with
the drawstring on my scrub pants, tugging insistently. And then I realize what
I am doing. And the face of Andrew invades my mind.

"Mulder, stop. Stop!" I push him back and he locks eyes with me. "I...I think
you should leave." I run my hands through my hair and look at the floor.

"Scully...how can you deny your feelings? I love you. I always have. I always
will."

I sigh. "It's not that easy, Mulder. You threw it all away. I have a new life
now. I'm happy. Why can't you just let me go?"

He stands toe to toe with me now and raises my chin up with his fingers. "If I
let you go, I let myself go." He pulls me close again and captures my lips.
And this time, I don't see Andrew. Rather, I see myself and Mulder and our
first night together. How gentle he was. How he held me until the morning
broke the horizon. And suddenly, I wanted that back. I wanted it all. I feel
his fingers dig into my side and I gently moan. A word. A single word.

"Mulder..."

He is playing with the drawstring again. I feel my hands fumble for the door
lock and hear the click. A small bang startles me and I look down to see my
pager has crashed to the floor, along with my scrub pants. The next thing I
know, he has pushed me on the couch, kissing my lips, my eyes, my neck, my
breasts. And I realize for all that has happened, that Mulder is revering me.
He is giving me his apology in a way that I would always forgive him. He is
giving me his heart and soul.

And I am happy to take them. Stains and all.

xxxxxxxxxx

I pulled the car into the small driveway in front of the Georgetown townhouse
that Andrew and I share. No lights were on, not that that was a big shock. It
was well past one o'clock in the morning and I was just now coming home. 

I left Mulder in the parking lot at Quantico, his face searching mine for a
glimmer of hope. After what we had just done, I think the only thing
registering on me was shock. I knew I could never deny Mulder and I'll bet he
was banking on that when he asked to see me. We fell together like we had
never been apart, but where was I now? Sitting in my car and trying to figure
how and if to tell Andrew that it was basically over between us.

And then my cellphone rang. 

Mulder.

"Scully, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said. 

I sighed. "No, Mulder, I'm not okay. I need some time to sort things out.
Please. Just give me that."

"Scully, I'll give you all the time you need. You know where I am." He paused.
"I love you, Scully."

I couldn't answer him. Instead, I hit END, gathered my briefcase and got out
of the car, steeling my nerves. With any luck, he would already be asleep.

Did I mention that my luck of late has been pretty bad?

Gently I opened the door, seeing the front hall illuminated by the light from
the kitchen. I put my briefcase on the floor and turned towards the living
room, where I promptly got the shit scared out of me in the form of Andrew,
sitting in his chair, watching me.

"Jesus, Andrew," I said. 

"I couldn't sleep. I was worried about you, Dana," he said, taking a swallow
from the bottle of beer he held loosely in his hand. "Did you get your work
done?"

"I..." I started to say and then realized that there was nothing I could say.
"We need to talk, Andrew."

He nodded, a slight movement in the soft light. "It was a matter of time,
Dana."

A puzzled look crossed my face. "What do you mean?"

He leaned forward, his arms resting on his knees. "You're not happy, Dana. You
haven't been for a long time, which probably explains why we have been
fighting so much." Another swallow. "All I wanted was to make you safe and
happy. I knew that you were bringing some baggage into this relationship, some
unresolved issues. And, as many times as you assured me that we were meant to
be, I know - and so do you - that we are just kidding ourselves." A pause.
"You're still in love with Mulder."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to speak up, to deny what he
said, but how can you deny the truth. "Andrew, I don't know what to say."

He looked at me, his gaze going through me. He finished his beer and stood up,
crossing the space to me and putting his hands on my arms, pulling me close.
"Dana, don't say anything. It's okay. I understand, really I do." He kissed me
on the forehead. "I'm never gonna be enough for you, and I love you enough to
let you go."

He dropped his hands down and walked over to the foyer, where I just now
noticed two suitcases. He put his coat on and grasped the handles. "I'll
always love you, Dana." Then he opened the door and walked out.

I heard the click catch on the door and, as a single tear rolled down my face,
I found my voice. 

"I'm sorry, Andrew."

But he was gone.

xxxxxxxxxx

2 Days Later
The Reflecting Pool, Washington, D.C.

The wind was starting to pick up as I made my way down the sidewalk, next to
the Reflecting Pool. I huddled in my overcoat and looked up at Honest Abe, who
stared down at me, his noble face watching over the shenanigans of D.C. He was
fortunate not to be here now. At that moment, I saw Mulder, sitting on what
was known as "our bench", eating his sunflower seeds. I came up to the bench
and spoke quietly.

"It's funny how there is never enough time to do the things you want. So
instead of trying to fit things in, you're reduced to passing time on a park
bench." I sat down and stared out, contemplating what I wanted to say.

"That's not such a bad thing, Scully." He put a seed in his mouth. "Did you
take enough time?"

"All the time I needed," I replied

"And what decision did you come to?" He asked, trying not to sound anxious,
which was a losing battle.

I looked into his eyes. "I just want you to know who I am. I'm Dana Scully,
and I need you to see all of me because this is the only person I'll ever be."

He nods his head as he speaks and as he does, I sense that he finally
understands. And one look into his eyes confirms it. "Dana Scully, come back
to me." He pauses. "Please."

I got up from the bench and started to walk away, towards Honest Abe, towards
the future. Then I stop and turn, looking at Mulder on the bench. He is asking
me with his eyes again what my answer is. 

I don't respond. Instead, I put my hand out and wait for him to catch up.

xxxxxxxxxx

finis.

comments...flames...demands that I stop writing...send them here:
LAinNJ@aol.com