From: The Newhouses Date: Mon, 07 Dec 1998 21:22:52 -0500 Subject: "I Never Wanted To Be In This Shambotic Sketch.." THE X-FILES FAN FICTION By Penni (that's me!) Disclaimer: Fox Mulder belongs to Dana Scully. Dana Scully belongs to Fox Mulder. Anyone disagreeing with this can kiss my ass. Really, both characters belong to the almight Chris Carter, TEN-THIRTEEN Productions, and the FOX Network. I am only borrowing them, and I have no intention of harming them. I'm just going to mess around with them, and their relationship. I'll give them back when I'm done, I promise! The song ain't mine neither! All dem peoples at Monty Python can have it back when I'm done. I DO NOT want it! Rating: PG, PG-13 some concepts may not be understandable for lil' kids Thanks to: Monty Python, and my silly brain.. which hurts! Summary: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Pendrell, Fowley, and the Lone Gunmen perform Monty Python's lumberjack song at the Bureau talent show! ON WITH THE STORY! "I NEVER WANTED TO BE IN THIS SHAMBOTIC SKETCH ANYWAY..." BY: Penni Fox Mulder stolled into his basement office, whistling a bit from the "lumberjack song." He had seen Monty Python for the first time last night, and found himself addicted, for once, to something besides his personal video collection. He had finally decided what to do in the Bureau talent show this year. He just needed some help... "PLEASE!!" he begged Scully for the millionth time. "Mulder, no! I will not portray some brainless ditz in a skit that will be performed in front of the entire DC Bureau!!" "Please, for me!" He shot her the lost-puppy-face, and she gave in instantly. "Oh alright," she said, "but just this once." "Yay!" he shouted, giving her a hug, "now you have to help me find some Mounties!" "Skinner, Frohike, Langly, Byers, and Pendrell." "Scully, you're a genious!" Over the next few days, the five men agreed to be in the skit. They practiced and practiced until the day of the Bureau talent show, when they were finally ready. THE BIG NIGHT Scully peeked out from behind the curtain of the stage. "There are a lot of people here," she remarked to Mulder, trying not to laugh at his costume. Not that her's wasn't hillarious. Mulder was dressed in jeans, boots that reached his mid-calves, a white t-shirt, and a flannel shirt over that. She was stuck with a poofy dress with a skirt that reached her knees and pigtails. On the other hand, Pendrell, Skinner, Frohike, Langley, and Byers, had it much worse. They all had to dress up like Canadian Mounties! The red suit, the black pants, the hats, the boots, and even the gloves. They had even cajoled their piano player, Diana Fowley, into wearing a Mounty-like costume. "Which act are we?" Mulder asked his partner. "The second. We open the show." She was nervous, and that made Mulder laugh. And when he cracked up, she did the same. The announcer took center stage in front of the curtains, first group took their positions on stage. Mulder was also in this group, performing the irrefamous "Dead Bishop" Monty Python skit. As it ended, he walked across to center stage and said the last line of that skit and the first line of the "Lumberjack" skit. "I never wanted to be in such a shambotic sketch anyway," he said, taking off his hat. "What I really wanted to be was," dramatic pause, "a lumberjack!" He tore off his gray jacket, revealing the flannel one beneath. "Leaping from tree to tree-the lark, the redwood, the mighty sequoia, the little whopping yule-with my best girl by my side!" Scully ran out at her cue and took her position looking ditzy, hanging onto Mulder's arm. The LGM, Skinner, and Pendrell took their position at the right front corner of the stage. "As we sing, sing, sing.." Mulder said. "Oooh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok-I sleep all night and I work all day," he sang. "He's a lumberjack and he's ok-he sleeps all night and he works all day!" The others chorased. "I cut down trees, I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatry! On Wedensdays, I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea," Mulder sang out. "He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch. He goes to the lavatry. On Wedesndays, he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea," the rest sang finding nothing wrong yet. "I'm/He's a lumberjack and he's/I'm ok-He/I sleep(s) all night and he/I work(s) all day," they all sang together. (Mulder-I others-he) "I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars!" Mulder sang, keeping an amazingly straight face. "He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing," they yelled the next part incredulously, "and hangs around in bars?!?!" Mulder looked at them with an expression that said "what?" and then acted like he found a way to save face. "I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok," he sang, the rest joining him, "I/he sleep(s) all night and I/he work(s) all day!" "I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!" "He cuts down trees, he wears high heels," the next part came with incredible disbelief, "SUSPENDERS AND A BRA??!?!" The music stopped, and the mounties started jeering at Mulder. "Oh Fox," Scully feigned disbelief, "and I thought you were so rugged!" She ran off stage, and the curtain fell. There was immediate applause. When all of the other acts were done, they all came on stage for one final bow. Needless to say, their sketch/skit/whatever you call it won the competition. AND Mrs. Scully got it all on video so they could watch it whenever they wanted to. THE END! I hope you thought it was funny. Feedback & Comments @ MrsSpooky_DKS@yahoo.com I hope you enjoyed it!