From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 18:30:53 -0600 Subject: I Promised You Nothing (1/3) by Amberle Source: direct Reply To: venusorbiting@inorbit.com TITLE: I Promise You Nothing AUTHOR: Amberle RATING: R for swearing KEY WORDS: alternate universe, no conspiracy, no Samantha abduction, Dogget exists and knows Mulder at work (small part only!), slight MSR- but definetely a strong yet complicated frienship and connection SUMMARY: Scull'ys a nut in a mental hospital, Samantha just died there. Mulder's been in the FBI, but the X-Files have either not been discovered or don't exist. S and M meet and it's a fight for sanity and love from there. DISCLAIMER: Scully and Mulder and Dogget aren't mine. They are CC's. If there are any other recognizeable people from the show, well- I don't own them either. But the other girls are mine! NOTES: This will be my second story, hopefully better than my first. I read book "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" and it gave me the idea to write a this story. I thought it would be interesting to have one of the main characters in a mental hospital, and have neither know the other. The mental hospital and town it's in is made up. The research and info I wanted on a hospital was unable to be found. Hopefully, I will handle this idea well and write an enjoyable story. More notes at the end. FEENBACK: yes! venusorbiting@inorbit.com :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: San Amos Mental Hospital September 3, 2000 1: 31 AM "How did she do it?" "Dana." "How the fuck did she do it?!" Sobs and sounds of frustration escaped from Dana Scully's throat as she uselessly tried to keep her emotions under control. "Overdose, Dana. She overdosed on her medicine." Lisa Thomason, the ward's favorite nurse was gentle and tried to near the discouraged patient. Sypmathy welled up inside her and all she wanted to do was hold Dana and reassure her that everything would be okay. "How?" Dana's voice was small, hurt, and angry all at once. Lisa sighed inwardly and shook her head, crouching next to Dana's huddled form. "I think you know," she said quietly. The disturbed woman then started to cry very hard and Lisa turned and motioned for the other nurses to leave. For a few minutes, she listened and watched as Dana sobbed into her hands. But then, she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and unsteadily. Her head remained in her hands for several more minutes and when she lifted her head and faced the nurse, her eyes were dry and red. "Are you okay now?" Lisa asked gently. Dana looked at her blankly as if she didn't know what was going on. "I'm fine. Now if you excuse me, I think I'll be getting some much needed rest. I must be mad to be staying up at these ungodly hours." She caught herself at her comment and laughed. "But then, I suppose that may be the reason I've been here so long. Good-night, Lisa." Lisa watched helplessly as Dana walked out of the rec room and into the room she shared with Liz Evans. As the door clicked shut, she dropped into a chair, running a hand through her hair. Samantha Mulder's family had been notified of her death earlier in the evening. Dana, who was out on group privilages didn't hear until eight o'clock that night. Up until one AM, she sat unmoving at a table, starting at nothing. It was when a nurse turned off the lights in the room that she suddenly came to life and started to cry. Lisa sighed deeply and rose from the chair and padded into the nurses' station, ready to crash until morning. Fox Mulder would be coming by around eleven to collect his sister's belongings and to sign legal papers and read her reports Doctor Alana Embrey made during her stay in the hospital. Samantha came three years ago, depressed and suicidal. None of the patients were interested in spending time with a down person. They all wanted the excitement in someone who was crude and sharp tongued. Dana Scully was the only one who took interest in her at first. When Samantha first came and got settled in, Dana walked up to her, looked her up and down and called her "a dumb bitch, but one who had that fucking glimmer of potential for recovery." She then walked away, leaving Samantha slightly astonished at her comment. Lisa smiled to herself, remembering that firstencounter. The two weren't the type of friends that giggled and always spent time together. Most of the time, it was hard to tell if they even liked each other. But they shared a similar pain, and they were able to match each other's comments on life and the other girls in the second floor of the women's ward where they stayed. Their thoughts and views on things varied to the extreme, but sometimes, they were so close, it was like one mind working for two. They didn't separate themselves from the other patients. Dana proved that even though Samantha was labled as a "sad person," she could still be as loony as the rest of them. Lisa guessed that through the act Samantha played for everyone, her inner demons were still too much to bear and she just wasn't strong enough to fight them. She hoped that Dana would be able to forgive her for taking her life, rather than sticking around to fight the battle they shared for a few years. :: 11: 04 AM Fox Mulder grimly walked into the hospital, looking weary and upset. He slowly climbed the side stairs to the second floor where he left his sister three years back. Guilt washed over him and grief took him down when the hospital called him the previous night, informing him that his sister was found in her room dead, from her own medication. They had asked him to come by and pick up her clothing and possessions and fill out the papers that would be needed to be worked out. As he walked down the hall, he noticed as patients stuck their heads out of doors and around corners to get a glance at him. Some giggled and darted away, others scowled and looked as if they wanted to beat him. But most just looked away as if he was nothing special. One woman caught his eye, and he turned to get a better look at her. She had red hair cut short. She was dressed in kakhis and a blue top, was sitting on a windowsill, looking out at the parking lot. Someone called Mulder's name and he looked around to face a tall woman with dark brown hair. "You would be Fox Mulder?" The woman asked. He nodded and held out his hand in greeting. "I'm so sorry about what happened to your sister. We didn't expect it at all from her. My name is Lisa Thomason. Samantha's room is right down here on the left," she said, taking him to a doorway. The nurse leaned in and pointed to the far side of the room. "That was her side. Her suitcases are in the closet and everything she owned should be in the drawers, and there are some things stashed under her bed, I'm sure." She paused and looked as if she was suddenly lost in thought for a moment before speaking again. "I've told the other girls that they shouldn't bother you while you pack your sister's things away, but some may anyway. Especially one, but she's full of surprises. If they do come and nag you, just call for me and I'll take care of them. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss." "Thank you," Mulder said, and Lisa nodded and left the room. A half hour later, Samantha's things were neatly packed away in two suitcases, and Mulder stood near the doorway, gazing at the room. He longed to see his sister sitting on the bed smiling at him. He wished to wake up and learn that this was all nothing but a dream.He wished that his sister hadn't become sick and hadn't gotten so bad that she needed to be locked away for three years where she would eventually die. Picking up the bags, he turned to leave, only to be startled into dropping his load on the floor and nearly yelling out. "Easy there, tall man," said the short redhead. "You must be Sam's brother. Lisa warned me about not bothering you while you packed her clothes away. I see that you're done, and I take that as my opportunity to speak with you." Mulder looked at her quizically and shook his head. "I've really got to be going. I need to sign papers and get her report from her doctor." He tried to move past her, but she moved with him, still blockhing his path. "So get the papers and file and then sit down with me. You can talk and write your name at once, I'm sure. And I know you can spend at least fifteen minutes of your own time talking with me." She looked him up and down. "You aren't so fucking important that you can't take time to speak to a diagnosed nut." Mulder considered this for a moment before agreeing. Fifteen minutes later, he was seated next to his sister's friend on the windowsill, signing papers and talking to Dana Scully. "Sam was actually the first person to take her life in this ward in seven years," Dana stated. "She was so lost at first, but after a year, she finally showed some hope. I knew she could have made it. I didn't know if she would, but I knew she could have and she would have been out of this place long before I'd ever have the chance. She promised me she wouldn't do it as long as I was around." She looked out the window, focusing on a red car. "Do you know why she broke the promise?" Mulder asked. His voice was soft, and he felt a lump form in the back of his throat as he listened to the woman next to him speak both fondly and bitterly of his sister. "She didn't really," she said into the window. "I wasn't there when she did it. I had privilages to go out with a small group of other people and nurses for the day. Sam had hers taken away for two weeks for getting into a fight with Jaegar." Dana turned to watch Mulder sign a few papers before continuing. "She only had one reason for wanting to do it." "What?" He wanted to know why Samantha would ever want to committ suicide desperately, but he was also afraid to hear the answer. But he missed her so badly. Mulder could feel tears threaten to spill from his eyes, and he fought the feeling. Dana shrugged her shoulders as if the reason was no big deal and said, "She was sad." Mulder gave her a funny look and she explained her answer. "Sad to the point where all she could do was feign contentness and act as if she was beginning to be okay. She had me going. She made me feel like it was okay to leave her in the ward while I went out with everyone else to breathe fresh, new air." She sneered and a look of hate and anger crossed her face. "The bitch saved her meds for three weeks before taking them down all at once. She was planning to die all along." Mulder winced at Dana's harsh remark on his sister, and emotional pain twisted inside of him, making him miss his sister even more. "How? I mean, how did she save her medicine?" "She tongued them," Dana answered. " `tongued them'?" Mulder wondered. "How do you do that?" As if on cue, a nurse named Claire Swenson walked up to Dana with a tray and handed her a small paper cup. "It's time for your meds Dana," Claire stated brightly. Dana took the cup, grimacing, and was then handed another filled with water. "Yeah, yeah," she said and dumped the pills in her mouth, swallowing them. "Let me see," the nurse ordered. Mulder watched in silence as the nurse checked the patient's mouth to make sure the pills had been taken. She nodded in approval and made her way to the next patient on her list. When she was far enough away, Dana grinned and stuck her tongue out at Mulder, revealing three pills resting on it. Mulder's eyes widened slightly and he let out a chuckle. "That would be the art of tongueing meds," Dana said after spitting them into her hand. She then pocketed the pills and looked out the window again. "What do you do with those?" Mulder asked. "I either throw them out or give them to someone who has something I want. It's kind of like money around here. Valium is the wanted drug within these walls." Dana faced Mulder to see his reaction, but his face revealed nothing. "Sam bargained for Valium a lot, Fox." He winced a little at that comment, and he noticed that Dana seemed uneasy at striking a nerve. "Mulder, call me Mulder." He met her eyes and she smiled, looking amused. "Mulder," she said. "I'm called Scully a lot here and it drives me mad sometimes. I guess since you're in the FBI, everyone around you has to call you by your last name, huh?" She fiddled with the tie around his neck and then let it go, staring at the colors that dotted it. "Well," Mulder began, "that's part of it, but mostly, I just hate the name Fox." "I see." Lisa came striding down the hall and looked disgruntled when she spotted Dana sitting idle in the rec room. "Dana," she scowled. "Embrey has been waiting for you since one." "What time is it now?" the patient asked. "One thirty." Dana's eyes went wide in a mock panic and slapped a hand to her face. "Fuck! I'm late again!," she said in a deadpan voice. "Damn, Lisa. How could I have possibly done that?" She climbed off of the windowsill and bowed in good-bye to the nurse. "Farewell oh forsaken one. When the shadows shall rise and sun shall die, is when we two, shall meet once more." She grinned and started walking away. "Tell Jill to kiss my ass, Lisa," Dana called before leaving through the floor doors. "Jill?" Mulder asked. "A well hated nurse," Lisa answered. "That's some case you have there," Mulder said, motioning at the doors Dana went through. Lisa sighed and placed her hands on her hips. "She's beginning to seem hopeless for any type of recovery now. She came in here as a severly depressed patient. We had to spend hours coaxing her out of bed and into the showers or have her sit up to drink something. I was new then, and I remember coming home many nights and crying because it hurt to see her in so much emotional pain all the time." Mulder nodded, thinking back on Samantha's behavior shortly before she was brought to San Amos. "How long has she been here?" he asked. Lisa thought for a moment and then answered, "Seven years. She met a girl who was two years younger a month after she came here. That girl turned Dana's life upside down and then tore it apart, presenting her with a realm of madness. She was still quiet and dark, and she had this awful habit of self- mutilation." She shook her head and looked at Mulder. "She used anything she could get her hands on. But there was this one day when she came back from group privilages with a box of razors and there was this whole bloody mess she left for us in the bathroom. It was right after the girl committed suicide, and she took her death hard. I asked her why she hurt herself and she told me it was just `one last time'. And when the time for ending neared, she would do it again and then nothing could stop her from escaping." Mulder was listening to Lisa intently. He was locked into her short story of Dana Scully's past in the hospital. "She hasn't done anything to hurt herself since, but she's never quite been the same. We still get hints of the old her in quiet moments, but usually she's sarcastic and filling in the stereotype role people get when they're put here." Lisa noticed the small stack of papers sitting next to Mulder and she motioned at them. "Are you done with those? I can take care of the rest now and you can go on home. I'm sure you're anxious to get out of here." "Yeah," he replied slowly. "Do you have policies against visitors here?" he asked suddenly. The question seemed to have caught the nurse off guard and she stumbled on her first words. "Well, uh, no. No, we don't. Why? Is it Dana you want to see again?" He nodded, feeling foolish. "I don't know what it is, but I want to speak with her again sometime. Maybe it's just the fact that she knew how my sister was, and who she was during her time here. I'd like to come back again sometime if that's okay with the nurses and doctor." Mulder smiled some as Lisa nodded thouroughly and let out a small laugh. "Of course. I don't see anything wrong with that, and Lindsay Pherson shouldn't either. She's the head on this floor." She laughed again and picked up one of Samantha's suitcases. "Come on, I'll help you with these." Outside, there was a light breeze, tossing Lisa's brown hair in her face. "I'm glad that someone wants to visit Dana, even if it's just for mourning purposes." Mulder looked up from the trunk of his car. "Why? Doesn't she have family?" "She does, but no one's been to see her since they left her here seven years ago. Her brothers are in the navy, and her sister, if I remember was already spaced out and felt she was too spiritual to see her sister in a mental institute. Her father disowned her with shame and anger and her mother just hid it away." "That's sad," Mulder commented dumbly. The nurse agreed and let out a breath. "The family wasn't torn apart, but they just forgot about Dana. She never mentions them, and I'm sure she rarely thinks about them, but it would have been nice if they came to see her." Lisa looked at the windows on the second floor, and she saw Dana watching her and Mulder loading his car and talking. Lisa waved and Dana laughed and left the window. "All the other girls in the ward have visitors at some point. Even Jaegar, who's particuarlly violent." Before climbing into his car, Mulder asked the nurse one more question. "Are you this close and concerned for all the women on your floor?" "Yes. Some, closer than others. Others close for only one reason. I care about all of them, even when they bug the hell out of me. But they're my girls, and many have told me that they depend on me to help them or just be there for support. Neither Dana nor Sam voiced their desire for outside help, but they let me try when their guards were down. Again, Mr. Mulder- I'm very sorry for your loss, but I do hope you come back here." "Thank you. You have a good day Nurse Thomason." Mulder closed his door and started the car. "You too." And he drove away to his mother's to give her his sister's belongings and to get a good cry from her death before thinking of what to do next. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::: San Amos one day later "I hear you met a nice man the other day," Dr. Alana Embrey said to Dana who was lying on a brown leather couch. Dana met Embrey's gaze and snickered. "Yep, you bet." "I also hear that he wants to come back and see you again." Dana sat up and shot a look at her doctor. "I didn't hear that. What the hell does he want from me now?" Embrey shrugged and smiled a bit. "I think that maybe he just wants to talk with someone who was close to his sister. I also think that he has an interest in knowing you." "Well, I really don't have any interest in knowing him." Dana seemed impatient and stretched out again on the couch. "Can we continue the little talk you started before bringing that man up again?" "Of course we can." :: one hour later "Can I have a fucking cigarette?!" Isabel Parker yelled. Nurse Jill Meins stepped out of the nurses' office and shot an angry look at Isabel. "When you eat something, I'll consider giving you one." "Fuck off," the patient muttered and walked over to Dana who had just entered the ward. "Hey Dana, get me a smoke, will ya'?" She reached out a bony hand and grabbed Dana's arm, who shook it off roughly and kept walking. "Get it yourself, bitch," Dana told her. She stopped and turned to look at Isabel. She was short and she looked like a skeleton, she was so thin. Her voice was sharp and demanding when she spoke and her eyes were an unwelcoming gray. "And while you're at it," Dana said, "eat something. You're uglier now than you were when you first came here, fat and glowing." She then continued her way to her room, leaving the skinny girl angry and cursing at her. "You're full of shit, freak!" Isabel yelled at her. "At least I'm full of something," Dana mumbled to herself. She entered her room to find Liz sitting on her bed, carefully cutting at the skin on her left wrist. "Fuck, Liz. Don't start that shit now." Dana rushed to her roommate and grabbed at the tool she was using to make herself bleed. "Hey! I was using that!" Liz reached for the blade, but Dana moved out of the way making her miss. She pulled back to get a look at what Liz was using. Annoyance flared up inside her. "These are mine! You went through my things and stole these!" Dana shook the razor in Liz's face. "You never use them anyway!" Liz said loudly. "Shut up!" Dana hissed. "Do you want the nurses to find you with these?" "But you never use them. You bought them and you stashed them away." Liz held out her hand for the razor. "I was just putting them to use," she whined. Dana looked at the blood seeping out of her roommate's arm. She watched as it slowly slid down her skin and dripped onto the bedding. It made her sick. It made her remember a night in the bathrooms years ago. Forcing the thought out of her head, Dana opened the bedroom door and called for a nurse. "No!" Liz cried. "You can't let them see! Dana, you can't do this to me!" Claire came into the room and almost fell over at the site. Liz had grabbed hold of Dana, blood getting all over both of them. Dana had one hand balled in a fist and held over Liz's head. Claire saw her cringe in pain. "Oh my god! Dan! Neil! Get in here now!" Claire stepped forward and touched Liz's shoulder. "Liz, please let go of her." She looked at Claire and then looked at Dana. Anger was apparent in her eyes as she let go of her, blood running down to her finger tips. "Don't look at me like that, you brought this on to yourself," Dana straightened her shirt, letting out a sigh of disgust when she saw the blood on her sleeves. Two male nurses appeared in the doorway, one of them cringing when they saw the cuts on Liz's arm. "Take her to Pherson. She'll clean her up and then we'll get her into seclusion." They took hold of Liz, who fought and started screaming. "Dana! Make them stop! This isn't my fault!" She tried to kick her way out of the grasp the men had on her, but one grabbed her feet, and with that, they took her down the hall and into the treatment room. Her screams were heard all over the floor, the patients turning their heads to see what happened. Claire glanced at Dana who was going through a drawer for a clean shirt. "What happened here, Dana?" She didn't answer at first. The nurse waited patiently as she took off her shirt and pulled a new one over her head. Dana came up to Claire and opened her hand, revealing a deep cut on her palm. A razor rested amongst the blood and broken skin. "She used this. I recommend you check us for these items." She walked past the nurse, dropping the blade in a trash can. "She bled all over my sheets and got her shit all over me. That's gross Claire." :::::: continued in part 2 :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: J. Edgdar Hover Building FBI Headquarters September 6, 2000 Mulder sat in his office, finishing up the final papers needed to tie up the ends his sister had left open. It had been three days since he fist met Dana Scully, and he was planning another day where he could visit her. She wasn't on his mind all the time, but he did think of her a fair amount. She was different then the other women on the second floor. After seven years in that institute, she hadn't made enough progress to be released even as a day patient, but rather, she declined. The facts and story Lisa Thomason told Mulder made him wonder about Dana, and he found he had a desire to get to know her. She was reserved and withdrawn from personal contact, but she was open enough to let him see what type of person she was. She was nice and beneath the slightly harsh nature, she had a good heart. She was sick, yes. Sick enough to belong where she was. But Mulder believed that if she had contact with people outside of San Amos, she could have the chance to get better. If he couldn't save his sister from a fate in there, he at least wanted to save her friend. He did not feel obligated to try and help her. He just wanted to. A knock on his door brought him up from his pile of paperwork. "Come on, Mulder," Agent John Dogget said, leaning in the doorway. "It's six o'clock, so what the hell is your ass doing in this office?" "Working, it would be," Mulder answered. "Why are you still here?" "Looking for you. Lyes and King solved their case and they're taking half of the VCS unit out to celebrate. They asked me to find you." Dogget grinned, his southern tone smoothing over his deep voice. Mulder shrugged helplessly and offered a tired smile. "Sorry, buddy. I would, but I need to get this stuff done and then there's another thing I need to take care of." "All right, but you don't know what you're going to be missing," Dogget said, flinging his jacket over a shoudler. Mulder let out a laugh and started arranging the papers on his desk in a neat pile. "No, I don't." "Oh, Mulder. Damn. The best steak in D.C., I swear. And you're trading that for paperwork and errands." "Another night, Dogget. Another night." Dogget was halfway out the door, when he leaned back in and joked, "I doubt that Lyes and King will ever get another case solved." Mulder laughed again, shaking his head as he heard the door click shut. When he knew he was alone in the VCS office, he picked up the phone and called San Amos, setting a time he could meet Dana in the floor's rec room. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: San Amos Mental Hospital one day later 3: 56 PM "So what brings you back here?" Dana asked suddenly, interrupting their conversation about Mulder's job and colleagues. He arrived at San Amos to find a not too happy Dana Scully sitting on the rec room couch looking at a cut on her hand. When he asked what happened, she only told him, "Stupidity." She quickly changed the subject and they found themselves walking around the hospital courtyard. "I just wanted to see you again, that's all," Mulder said. "I see," she said quietly. They walked in silence for a few moments before taking a seat on a worn wooden bench. There were women mumbling to themselves, and others were escorted down the paths by nurses. Some were managing on their own, but their eyes were lost in seas of storms and clouded minds. Mulder looked around at the scene before him and returned his gaze to Dana. "Tell me," he started hesitantly. "Do you ever wish you could get out of here?" "I do." "No, I mean for good. To just get out and start a new life somewhere." He searched her eyes, but he couldn't detect anything fro her. She bit her bottom lip as if she was thinking his question through. "I think about it sometimes, but I don't think I've ever really wanted to. But then, I would never want to spend the rest of my days here, however many there might be." Dana looked at Mulder and turned to face him, drawing her knees up to her chest. He thought she looked vunerable and small at that moment, and he wanted to push the lock of hair that hung in her face away, and behind her ear. "I think you would do well. I don't fully understand why you're still here, actually. You seem okay to me." A dark look passed over her face and Mulder mentally kicked himself for saying those things to her. "I seem okay to you," she repeated. "You mean, I don't act like all the other crazy people you've seen in the ward." She sneered and looked at the other women in the courtyard. "I belong here, Mulder. You may not understand my reasons, but I do and everyone here thinks so too. You don't even know how I'm here or why." She was angry and Mulder could see that she seemed offended as well. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that." He buried his face in his hands, embarrassed and upset with himself for opening his mouth. Dana leaned forward, eyeing his face through his hands. "Then how did you mean it?" She nearly whispered. Mulder raised his head, meeting her gaze. "I just meant that you don't act like you're sick or in need of professional help. You seem like you belong somewhere else. Not here." He watched as his exclamation registered to her. She drew back, leaning into the bench's backrest. Dana raised an eyebrow and let out a breath. "Well, Mulder. I guess you have yet to learn that looks are most certainly decieving." A gust of wind ruffled her hair, and the sun hit it so it glowed a brilliant red. She looked so graceful and pretty right then, Mulder found he wanted to kiss her at that moment. They had only talked for an hour or so that day and fifteen minutes at the most when he first met her, but he wanted to kiss her on the cheek. Just on the cheek. "I think I should stop coming by here. You're starting to grow on me, you know that?" Mulder let out a laugh and smiled when he saw a small grin form on Dana's face. "Oh, that's certainly a bad sign. Having someone like me grow on you is definetely something you wouldn't want." She laughed and eyed him with a curious look. "What?" Mulder asked. "How close were you to Sam?" Dana asked quietly. A sting of pain hit Mulder as he envisioned his sister's face beaming up at him. "Not too close. We kept in touch through email when she went to college, and that seemed to tie us together a bit." He took in a deep breath and tried to balance himself together. It was hard for him to put away the fact that Samantha had committed suicide. It hurt to know that she gave up on everyone around her and herself and turned to Death to bring her to solace. It was painful to realize that there was so much more they could have done together. So much he could have done to prevent her from becoming so sick and disturbed. In all those years, Mulder never knew that his sister was suffering. In the days where she lsot contact with her family for months at a time and would appear looking tired and beaten, no one had a clue about what was happening. When Samantha started taking a lot of different medications for sleeplessness and tension, Mulder wondered what was wrong, but decided it was just schoolwork. Just school. The thought never crossed his mind that she needed help. Not even when he heard her crying in the next room and see her minutes later okay and collected. His mother was worried, but he assured her that she was just having some trouble with school. But no one ever asked her what was going on. "I miss her," Mulder said in a choked voice. He looked at Dana to see her staring back, mixed feelings surfaced on her face, and not knowing what to say. Feeling a tear slide down his cheek, he covered his face with his hands again and tried to will his tears to stop. "So do I," he heard Dana say and felt her hand touch his. He let her bring it down away from his face and he looked at her hand resting on his palm. "Let's go inside. I think you need to get going anyway." She stood, letting her hand fall away and she started walking for the hospital door. Mulder followed, wiping away the last few tears. He brought Dana back up to the second floor of the women's ward and there, she said good-bye to him in a similar way she did to Lisa when she left for her appointment. "Fair well, graced one. I hope that grief will not suffer you further and I wish for nothing but luck and everything in your coming days. And when the moon fails to fall and the sun willingly receeds into her forest of shadows, is when we may meet once more." She bowed in a graceful movement and stood to look up to Mulder's sad smile. "What?" "You don't ever want me to return here?" He asked, sounding hurt. "It's not that," Dana assured. "I just figured you weren't going to." "Well, I want to, and I plan to." Mulder looked at the woman in front of him and was pleased to see that she didn't seem too unhappy about his comment. "Would you mind if I came back again?" Dana rasied an eyebrow and looked past him for a moment before shaking her head. "No," she answered quietly. "I wouldn't." But her words sounded forced and she had suddenly withdrawn into herself, making Mulder feel unwanted. "I don't have to come back, Dana." Her head snapped up and she was looking at him intently. It was, he r ealized, the first time he had ever said her name out loud. "No. Do," she said in a lost voice. "I have to go. I'll see you whenever you decide to come here again." And with that, she darted away and into a room down the hall. Suddenly feeling out of place, Mulder signed himself out of the ward and drove home, trying to figure out Dana's personality. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: 9: 41 PM He couldn't possibly actually want to come back here, Dana thought to herself. She could understand him first agreeing to talk to her when he learned that she knew Sam. She could see why he would come back a few days later to get some closure on his sister. But she understand why he would want to see her a third time. Dana was fond of Mulder; she really was. There was a gentleness to him she had never seen in the male nurses at the ward. There was patience in his voice and eyes. And his eyes alone she loved seeing. Even in his grief over his sister, Dana found him beautiful. But that man, she could not have too near. It would do him no good for him to get too close to her. Especially when her end was nearing and she would no longer be in San Amos. After he left, she beat herself up for saying that she wanted him to come back. She still had two razors in a wooden box she owned. Dana pulled one out and cut her arms everywhere. Liz walked in during her rage and yelled that she was a hypocrite. Dana started cutting deepeer then and soon found herself restrained on the floor by Neil and Dan, Lisa trying to get the razor from her hand. After ten minutes of fighting, Dana surrendered from exauhstion and self-punishment and drifted into a restless sleep. She woke up hours later to find herself in bed restraints. Pherson came in and asked her how she was feeling and she said she wasn't sure. Since she sounded and seemed calm, the head nurse let Dana off of the bed and told her to go to her own room. She made it halfway down the hall when earlier events and musings came back to tear her down. Sliding to the floor, Dana started calling for someone to help her. "Someone, please help me," she begged. Jill came out of the office and knelt near where Dana sat huddled against a wall. "What's wrong, Dana?" "Not you. I don't want you. Get someone else." But Jill shook her head and a sour expression settled on her face. "No. You'll have to tell me what's wrong if you want any help." Dana looked up at the nurse. Her eyes were empty, and tears threatened to spill from them. Jill leaned away slightly. "Please, Meins. Just get someone else." "Okay," the nurse said reluctantly, and she went to fetch Pherson. A minute later, Lindsay Pherson came striding down the hall, concerened and worried for the patient. "Dana? What is it? What's wrong now?" Muffled sobs escaped from her as she tried to get herself under control. "You need to keep him away from here. You can't let him come back anymore." Dana started crying harder and she drew her knees up close to her chest. "He can't do this anymore. I won't be responsible for him." She threw a fist at a wall. Lindsay cringed when the patient dropped her hand to the floor, red and sore looking. "Who, Dana? Who needs to stay away from you?" "I think you know," she muttered. Slight panic welled up inside of Lindsay. "Was it Fox Mulder? Did he hurt you today?" There was silence for a moment. Dana briefly considered lying and saying that yes, Mulder had hurt her and she was afraid of him, but she didn't. "No," she said. "It's rather, me who may hurt him if he keeps returning here." She sat up and leaned in close to Pherson. "You can't have him come back here. Not for a while at least. I don't want to mess his life up." "That's some confession, Dana," the nurse head breathed. Dana nodded, staring at her bandaged arms. "I know. And I'll be sure to regret telling you that tomorrow when I'm in Embrey's office." She then stood up and walked away from Lindsay, saying nothing more. You puzzle us all, girl, Lindsay thought to herself. Between her moodswings and the cryptic talk she spoke sometimes in the ward, she was like a broken puzzle that refused to be pieced together. She would spend hours screaming and yelling for someone to help her, and when she spoke a few words with a nurse, she would always get up and leave. She confused many people in the ward and angered others with her habits. Jill said once that she should be left alone and ignored when she started calling for help. Her suggestion was tried once, but it backfired completely. Dana went into the bathrooms and cut herself up, leaving blood everywhere. She was hospitalized and sedated, for when she was found, she struck two nurses hard before she was restrained. Once the sedatives had completely worn off, Dana had no recollection of what had happened in the ward bathrooms. Embrey had to come in and explain what she did to herself. But seven years in the same hospital and four different floors. She lost two friends to suicide, each time snapping and then seeming perfectly fine a short time later. It was either stoicism, or pure madness that kept the woman calm during stressfull days. So she didn't want to see Fox Mulder for a while. That had to mean something. She had never ordered Lisa away from her or even Samantha. And she was probably closest to them out of everyone in the ward. Lindsay wondered what Dana and Fox Mulder had talked about in their time together. Whatever it was, they had connected on some level, and Dana was now afraid she would harm him in some way. Maybe these were her first steps to getting better after all these years. ::::::::::::: to be continued in part 3 ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: FBI Headquarters two weeks later 5: 03 PM Mulder put down the files he was reading and rubbed his eyes. He had gotten a call from San Amos two weeks ago saying that Dana had requested him to not come to see her until expressed otherwise. He spoke to Alana Embrey a week later, who sounded excited because Dana seemed to be improving. Her secrets were being told and she was curious to know how she could improver herself. The only thing Mulder could do would be to wait and see if she would want to see him. But sometimes, the sessions were so mentally exauhsting, Dana left the office, not sure of where she was. There was a small chance, that she might have forgotten Mulder and that statistic troubled him often. He wanted her to be okay. He wanted to have her around. A friend he could talk to. A person he could grow to love. There was so much to her, and he wanted to know her. But Mulder knew that what it came down to was the fact that he wanted to save her from San Amos. He was afraid she would end just like his sister did and he wanted to try and pull her from the path she seemed to be heading towards. Mulder was about to head home when Dogget called his name. "Mulder. Phone for you." He thought of who it might be and then took the phone from his friend, mouthing a silent `thanks.' "Mulder." "Agent Mulder? This is Lisa Thomason from the San Amos Mental Hospital. Dana has told me that she would like you to come and see her if you have time." Lisa's voice was bright and cheerful. Mulder felt his heart skip a beat when he heard that Dana wanted him back. That she hadn't forgotten him during her course of recovery. A huge smile played across his face. "Of course! I'll come in now if I can," he said excitedly. He waved at Dogget who was giving him looks to sit back down. "I'm on my way." Mulder hung up the phone and reached for his jacket. "What was that about?" Dogget asked. Mulder looked at his partner and shrugged. "I was just asked to go and visit a friend." "Was it that crazy woman who knew your sister?" Mulder paused amd dropped his eyes to the floor. "Geeze, Mulder, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your sister. I know that still must be hard for you. But I don't think it's a great idea to visit a nutcase in that assylum every day. It could be unhealthy for you." "I uh. I appreciate your concern Dogget, but she's starting to improve. I just want to see that she does get better. It would be nice to see that people who go in there come back out alive and well." He finished putting on his jacket and pulled his keys out of his pocket. "I'll see you tomorrow Dogget." :::::::::::::::::::::::::::; San Amos 5: 57 PM Mulder was greeted in the second floor by several nurses and Lisa met him halfway down the hall. She was nearly beaming. "Hello, Mr. Mulder. She's made such progress. No one can determine why the sudden change in her attitude towards life here, not evern her, but we're all happy to see it." She smiled and pointed to the rec room. "She's sitting on her windowsill again." Mulder thanked Lisa and met Dana who was gazing out of the window. "I saw you get out of your car," she said, her back turned to him. "I heard you're getting better." He settled himself next to her and looked at her. She pressed her lips together and then sighed, turning to face him. "I suppose I am," she said. "I still don't understand why you wanted to come back here." Mulder leaned close to her, his voice low. "I told this to a friend at work. I want to know that people can come into this place in need of help and rest, and leave alive and well." "So am I a project of yours?" Dana questioned. "No, you're not. You make me curious to know you. I'd like to know you." "You'd like to kiss me, that's what you want to do," Dana said jokingly. It caught Mulder off guard and his mouth opened slightly as if he were about to say something. "I can see it in your eyes, Mulder." She leaned close to him and whispered, "And I want to kiss you." Mulder let out a breath. "So why don't you?" "Soon," she replied, pulling away. "Someday, maybe if the end hasn't come early." A dazed look settled in her eyes and she looked out the window again. Mulder looked at an old tree and wondered aloud what her last comment meant. "It means if I don't fall apart again. I still don't know if I'm going to be well enough as you put it to be set loose in that world out there," she said, pointing to the land beyond San Amos. "I'm critized by the other women and girls here for improving. They taunt me, trying to get me to admit and believe that it's better to live here than in a place out there." "You would be in heaven out there," Mulder said to her. She nodded silently and for a short time more, they talked and spent time with each other sitting in the windowsill. Claire stopped by once, giving Dana her medicine, and as usual, she tongued them. Mulder shook his head in mock disapproval as she pocketed the pills. "They've never done shit for me," Dana muttered. Mulder snickered at her comment. At eight o'clock, Mulder said good-bye to her and even dared a peck on the cheek. She laughed warmly and gave him a mischievious look. "I'll come back," he promised. "Good," she answered, and he left only to start a habit of daily visits to San Amos. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: two weeks later 4: 04 PM "So you seem to be making very good progress," Embrey said to Dana who was lying on the leather couch. "Yes, I seem to be," Dana agreed. Embrey looked through her patient's reports and files, pleased with most of the results she was seeing. "Your language is cooling down, and you haven't been misbehaving in any extreme ways at least for the past month. You say you've been feeling more clear headed and well rested." The doctor closed the file and leaned forward on her desk. "These are all good signs for recovery, Dana. I think that you and Mr. Mulder will have a grand time this weekend." Dana smiled to herself, thinking how nice it would be to go somewhere else besides the hospital courtyard or windowsill wil Mulder. In the past two weeks, they had grown very close, and she looked forward to his evening visits after he left his office. A short time ago, she started waiting in the windowsill until he arrived and she would then dash down stairs to meet him and then jump into his arms. The first time she did that, she nearly knocked him over, but they spent five minutes locked in each other's arms, laughing about it. Sometimes, Mulder would plant a soft kiss in her hair, without her knowing it. "I still can't believe you're letting me out for a night," Dana asked. Embrey scratched her nose and looked at the woman stretched out on the couch in front of her. "He asked if you could have an overnight visit. I looked at your recent reports and progress, and I think that you are doing well enough to go and spend a weekend with him." Embrey stood up and motioned for her patient to leave. Dana raised an eyebrow as she opened the door saying, "Aren't you eager to get rid of me now?" The dorcotr laughed and shook her head. "I'm just happy to see someone finally showing signs of improvement. It's time you get out of here anyway." "I know," Dana said quietly, halfway out the door. "Oh, and Dana?" Embrey's voice sounded slightly embarrassed when she spoke. "Yes?" "If you sleep with him, at least use proctection." Dana felt her face go red and she slapped a hand to fer forehead. "Oh my god," she mumbled, closing the door behind her. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Mulder found himself speaking with two girls from the second floor of the women's ward minutes after he arrived. Lisa had told him that Dana was still in with Embrey and she would be out shortly. After introducing himself to the girls who approached him, he engaged in small talk with them, waiting for Dana to come back. "So you like Dana?" Isabel asked him. She was bone thin, Mulder thought to himself, and she was deathly pale. Her voice was cold and her hair was tangled in a knot, making her ugly. "I suppose so." Liz giggled a little and bit a finger tip. "She's lucky to meet someone like you," she said timidly. Mulder noticed healing scars all over her left wrist. It reminded him of Dana's arms. They were bandaged when he made his third visit to her, but she wouldn't tell him what had happened. He was left to guess, and found out later that the bandages were to keep her from cutting again. Recently, he got a glimpse of her arms and there were marks everywhere. Fear surged up inside him at that moment, making him afraid he would lose her like he did Samantha. Isabel lit a cigarette and sneered when she saw Dana enter the hall. "Look what the cat dragged in," she muttered to herself before stalking away. Liz darted away and whispered something into Dana's ear before slipping into the room they shared. "Hey," Mulder said. "You ready to go?" He was dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans, a leather coat gracing his shoudlers. "Um, yeah. I just need to get my bag." She tucked her hair behind her ear and turned to go to her room. Liz waited for Dana inside their shared room. She sat on her bed crossedlegged, humming a tune to herself. "You wanted to talk to me?" Dana asked. Liz stopped humming and nodded slowly. "No one but the nurses and Embrey are happy that you're leaving." "It's not for good," Dana assured. "We know. But you're pissing Isabel off and you're frustrating Amanda." Liz met Dana's eyes. "You know how hard she's been trying to get a weekend visit with her family. She's been working at it for three months and then she sees you waltzing down the hall in two weeks time, granted with an outside visit." "But there's nothing I can do about that. You know I didn't do any of this on purpose. It just happened. I'm not trying to hurt anyone or offend them." Dana didn't want to make others angry with her. She didn't want to be hurting others, and she didn't want the whole ward to know that she was getting better. Liz just looked at her. At that moment, there was a beauty Dana had failed to see in the four years her roommate had spent on the second floor. Her brown hair was combed for once, and her blue eyes were clearer than ever. There was color in her lips and the harsh red cuts on her wrist were fading. But Dana found a strong urge to hit Liz hard across the porclian face she had. "Sometimes, I'm not too sure," the girl said. "Don't fuck with me, Liz," Dana warned. "You know that I didn't plan any of this. You know that I didn't walk in Embrey's office and suddenly decide to screw everyone over by trying to get better. I did not try to get better, Liz. I just did. But I'm not even a hundred percent." Liz shrugged as if she didn't believe her. "Dammnit Liz!" Dana was angry, and she kept her voice low, so Mulder or any of the nurses wouldn't hear her. "I did not spend seven of years of my life in here perfectly sane and well enough to decided when I would suddenly no longer be some project for Lisa and Embrey. I didn't wait for some man to arrive so I could gain his pity and friendship and then prance away holding his hand, leaving everyone here." "Isobel said you're only getting better because of that Mulder guy. That you're some slut who plays the role of a helpless maiden." That's shit and you know it," Dana said, enraged. "It has nothing to do with him. It's more about me leaving you. You're my friend and I don't want to leave you here." She leaned close to Liz's face. "I don't want to leave you, but I know I will. And that time will be soon. I'm sorry that this is happening, but I want out of this place." "But Dana-" her roommate protested. "No," she interrupted. "I can't stay here. Not anymore. I've wasted so much of my life in here." Dropping the subject, Dana picked up her bag and hooked it on her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said. "Isobel says you're a whore," Liz told her abruptly. "And Isobel is fat." ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Fox Mulder's residence 7:02 PM Mulder led Dana into his apartment, laughing and happy. They had gone to a nearby coffee shop where she had introduced herself to the young man working the register and she struck up a very nice conversation with him. Mulder nearly had to drag her away because she held up the people behind them for ten minutes. Afterwards, they walked some of the streets in Arlington, Virgina and then went to his place to watch a movie. "I have Double Jepardy and Card Captors: the First Six Episodes." Mulder held up the two tapes for Dana to see. "Hmm," she said. "I've never heard of Card Captors, so let's watch that." She took a seat on Mulder's black leather couch, testing the comfort level. "I like your couch," she commented. "It's a lot better than the pice of shit in Embrey's office." Mulder chuckled at her remark and popped in the video. "This was a little gift that some of my friends gave me," he explained. "I took a small interest in anime and they bought the tape for Christmas." He picked the remote up from the coffee table and hit play, settling himself on the couch next to Dana. A semi-cheesey theme song started to play with flashes of a young girl running around with a stick, hitting forms of beautiful women and fascinating creatures with it. There were pictures of a boy and two other girls following the first one around as well. During the second episode, Dana declared that she liked this show and wanted to capture "Clow Cards" like Sakura from the show did. Mulder laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. When she didn't flinch away, he relaxed some and stole a glance at her. Mintues later, she placed her head on his shoulder and started fiddling with his hand. He grasped her fingers and then laced his with hers, not saying anything. Dana sqeezed his hand and settled again, watching the show. Mulder looked at her and smiled to himself. He felt like the luckiest man in the world because he knew Dana Scully. He had known other women during training and his early years in the FBI. He had been close to two, each one breaking his heart. But Dana wasn't near anything to those women. He had never thought of her to be a lover or wife. He saw her as the occasional friend to see when he was bored. After meeting her for the second time, he began to think that it would be great to have her as a long lasting friend, and then as someone he could love for the rest of his life. She was someone he wanted to love. But then, she was someone he did love. And then Mulder was suddenly afraid that he would lose Dana. He couldn't. Not now. Not when everything seemed to be looking up for them. For a future that invloved both of them together. But there was a feeling that poked a knife of fear into him that something bad was going to happen. He looked at Dana again who seemed to be amazed with the anime video. Pulling her closer to him and tightening his hold, he buried his nose in her hair, and breathed in the sweet scent of her shampoo. When the video ended, Dana told Mulder that she had forgotten to bring sleepwear. He told her that wasn't a problem and gave her one of his grey t-shirts and some sweats. She thanked him and disappeared into the bathroom, emerging minutes later looking dawrfed in his clothes. But he thought she was adorable. Yawning, Mulder told her to come back to the couch and she did. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her neck gently. She sighed and placed her hands over his. "Stay here with me," Mulder said suddenly. He meant forever, and Dana knew it. The thought was a nice one, but the conversation she had with Liz came up to haunt her. "I can't," she whispered. Mulder's hold on her tightened and he put his chin on her shoulder, murmuring into her ear. "Why not?" "I just can't. Not now at least. Not for a while." Tears were threatening to spill from her eyes. She felt a need to get out of his home and go back to San Amos. Her mind was screaming at her to run, but she fought the demands. And it was two hours later when Dana knew Mulder was asleep. Slowly, she eased herself off of the couch and slid her shoes on, not bothering to change her clothes. With next to no noise, she slid out of his apartment and hailed a cab to San Amos. "What about money?" The driver asked when they were halfway there. "If you honk your horn when we arrive, a nurse will come and she'll pay you." Disbelief crossed his face and Dana saw it in the rearview mirror. "I'm not shitting with you. Just get me there." ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: San Amos 3: 00 AM "San Amos, can I help you?" Lisa Thomason asked her caller. "Lisa, this is Mulder. Is Dana there?" Mudler sounded panicked and terrified. "Mulder! I was about to call you. Dana arrived here about an hour ago-" she was interrupted suddenly. "I'm on my way." Lisa say up in her chair nearly yelling into the phone. "No, wait!" She took a breath and leaned back into her chair. "No, Mulder. I don't think you should. At least wait until later this morning. It's been rough." There was a pause before he spoke again. "What happened?" She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "Dana came back here in a cab, and she semed tense. She wouldn't let anyone come near her and when she got to the floor, she ran into her room and slammed the door. Jill Meins heard screams a few minutes later and rushed in to find that Dana was beating Liz. She was yelling at her, blaming her for something and we had to get two male nurses on her to get her away." When Mulder didn't say anything, she continued. "She hit Allen pretty hard and he had to let got of her. Pherson finally arrived with a sedative and when she calmed down enough, we got her into a bed." "Is she okay now?" Mulder's voice was low and unsteady. "She's in restraints now. I talked to Liz and she said that Dana blamed her for dragging her back here. When she said she didn't understand, Dana started to hit her. She said it was Liz's fault for forcing her to come back just to appease all the people here." Lisa's hands had gone cold and she rubbed them together trying to warm them up. "Can I come in at nine?" Mulder asked. His words were strained and shaky. Lisa debated whether or not it would be okay if he came in to see her. She didn't want Dana to snap again, but she didn't want Mulder to worry and be kept from seeing her. "Yes, Mulder. You can see her then." She hung up the phone and covered her face with her hands. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::; 9: 00 AM "She's in there," Pherson said, pointing to a closed door. "Thanks," Mulder muttered. He had woken up and two that morning anf failed to find Dana anywhere near his apartment. After an hour of searching, he called San Amos to discover that somehow she had gotten back there. But she had become violent and a danger to others, forcing the staff to sedate her and put her in restraints. After Lisa ended the phone call, he let himself cry, letting go of the fear that had taken hold of him when he couldn't find her. He was hurt that she had gone back into her old habits of fits and violence. He was worried that maybe she wouldn't get the chance to leave the mental hospital she had been locked in for seven years. He left like he failed Dana, by not being able to see to it that she got better and be released. But he was mostly afraid that he had lost her permanently. Entering the room quietly and softly, Mulder took a seat by Dana's bedside. She was staring out the window, her eyes focused on nothing. Her eyes were empty of every spark and emotion that he had seen in the weeks of seeing her every day. "I'm sorry," she whispered after countless minutes of silence. Mulder started and looked up at her. She was still looking out the window, but a tear slid down her face. He wanted to wipe it away, but he let it remain where it was. "Don't be," he told her. "It looks like I'm bound to this place," she said, her voice breaking. Mulder fought the urge to cry with her. "No. You're going to get better and you're going to get out of here." She smiled bitterly and sniffed. "Okay," was her reply, but it didn't sound as if she believed him. "You promise me you'll get out of here?" Mulder asked almost pleadingly. "I promise you nothing, but I promise I'll try." "Good," he answered, daring a slight laugh. Anything to keep him from breaking down. "I'll be here when you're ready and well." He waited a few minutes before realizing that she wasn't going to say anthing more. Taking one more look at her, Mulder left Dana who was still staring out the window. He said good-bye to Lisa, who assured him that she would call when Dana was allowed to leave San Amos for good. Mulder thanked her and left the second floor of the women's ward, feeling the hating eyes of Isobel and regretting ones of Liz follow him out the door. Back inside the ward, Dana looked out the window seeing Mulder climb into his car and drive away. She would get better she thought. She would get out of the institute and start a new life that included him. And then she could truly live her life. end NOTES: I hope you enjoyed this. I honestly had no idea where this story was going to go. I was sitting in school, writing notes and ideas that I wanted to happen in the story, and I would come home and decide I didn't want it to happen. Or I'd forget what I wrote and come up with something new. Dana wasn't as crazy as I would have liked, and things tended to jump around a lot, but I think that it's okay. If there was any confusion, Isobel was an anorexic and Liz was a borderline personality patient. Once again, this is my second story, and I hope that it's better than my first (Dead Petals Graceless). FEEDBACK WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED!! SEND TO venusorbiting@inorbit.com THANKS IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR!