From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 17:53:43 -0600
Subject: I THINK by ozymandayus
Source: direct

Reply To: mrsinister@mpdr0.chicago.il.ameritech.net


Title : I THINK
FROM  :OZMANDAYUS <MRSINISTER@MAILHOST.CHI.AMERITECH.NET
DATE  :SUN, JAN 24,2000
CATEGORY : MSR, Scully POV
RATING : R for language
SUMMARY: Scully comes to an understanding about her relationship with
Mulder,why they act the way they do, and where they are going         
AUTHOR NOTES: THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC, ALL FEEDBACK IS HELPFULL  mrsinister@mailhost.chi.ameritech.net
SPOILERS: EVERYTHING UP TO ORISON
DISCLAIMER: I DIDN'T CREAT EM, I DON'T OWN EM, I JUST LOVE THEM AND THERE
SHOW. THEY BELONG TO CRIS CARTER, 1013, AND FOX. 




I THINK 
---------------


    Mulder stood by my side while I was dying of cancer.He was there for
me when my beautifull daughter Emilly died, even thoughIi didn't let him
in , I knew he was their for me. He's saved my life countless times,he
even went to the other side of the wor ld to save me off of nothing more
than a sheet of paper from one of our many enemies.I truly think he went
there so that if he couldn't find me he could die there, rather than live
without me. He bonded with my mother during my abduction. He was the one t
hat didn't give up on me when everyone else thought I was going to die.In
our first year together he was willing to trade his long lost sister for
me,I know that girl was probably not Samantha , but the fact that he was
willing to do it spoke loud and cle ar.Whenever I need him he is by my
side,without question.The evidence of his love for me is overwhelming. If
only I can find the courage to look at it. 


   He would lie for me,has lied for me, to protect me even when I don't
need it, or even ask him to. He would kill for me ,or be killed if he
thought it would save my life.He can at times be insensitive, egotisical,
and aloof. But he care's for people eve ryone else have given up on. He is
the 12 year old boy who lost his sister,was I believe abused by his father
mentally and physically,Yet his heart is so good and pure,but I'm the only
one who can see it. 


   I am the most important woman,person,thing in Fox William Mulders life.
Of all the things I go to bed each night wondering,whether aliens exist or
not, if their are more children like my Emily or not , his
love,devotion,commitment to me, to us, is nev er one of them, not after
Antartica. When he came to save me it went beyond duty, beyond friendship,
his love for me was undeniable. In the following year I still couldn't
bring myself to cross the line, but I did admit to myself that I was in
love with h im. And thats a big step forward for me.

   We've only kissed one time on New Years Eve.Our first reaction was to
smile at each other, then my walls came back up . I want to let you in
Mulder, lord knows I do, but I'm afraid. The question is of what. That you
don't love me, that is just not poss ible, It's in your eyes every time
you look at me. That the F.B.I. doesnt like It's agents getting envolved
with each other, by all accounts we should have been fired years ago for
all the rules we've broken so thats not it. Is it because i hold you respo
nsible for the things that have happened to me, no I know where the blame
needs to go and It's not to you, never to you. 

   Is it that I dont love you,Mulder one day I will let you read this
journel, and you will know that I have loved you for at least 6 of our 7
year partnership/relationship. One day, soon you will know this, that you
are my breath, you are the beating of my heart, the other half of my soul. 

   So it must be my fear of what the consortium would do if we got
together, what else could they do to us but kill us. They've killed your
father , my sister, emilly,taken your sister, given me cancer, abducted us
both on more than a few occaisons, so th at cant be it.Is it my fear that
we would only be happy for a short time before colonization begins, no.
because first whatever happens we will deal with it together, as we have
everything else. I still believe in god more than man, he will decide when
an d how this world ends. 

  Is it because I think you don't desire me,I've seen some of the other
women you have been with or have been attracted to, tall ,long legs, big
breasts, and I know all about your porn fetish, hell you don't even hide
it. Still, once again thats not, Jesu s I am a doctor and I know a hard on
when I see one and I've seen plenty over the years when we are alone, I
know It must be me that you desire,plus I've caught you staring at me many
times when you think I don't know. 


   Is it because I dont desire you, Mulder the second time me and you
finally have sex we will make love, but the first time I intend to
outfuck, outsuck , and outscrew every woman you have ever slept with, I am
going to commit genocide to every sexual en counter you have ever had or
dreamed of having.You are a virgin until you second you push inside of me,
oh Mulder , you have no idea how bad I want to show you the sensual side
of me, the sexual. 


  In a world with no guarantees you have to sieze the day ,we love each
other, and have for years, and just now as I am writing this I realize
their is no reason why we should be alone, sleep alone, eat alone , and
suffer alone. "No more" Scully decides a s she places her personel journal
back into the desk drawer.I can not and will not live my life in fear, I
will make the next move, since I've stupidly ignored all of your attempts,
from the I love you in the hospital, to the baseball lesson , to your ha
llway after I told you Diana was dead when you reached down to kiss my
lips and I grabbed your forehead because once again I was scared. But you
are my constant, and I am yours. When you say the words I love you that
doesn't guarantee happliy ever after, a house with a white picket fence
and 2.5 kids. What it means is that come what may, the good, bad, and
ugly, the happy, the joyus, the endearing, we feel it, live it , expience
it together , always together.


  And then it hits her,not what she was afraid of, but that she is not
afraid anymore."Time is now" Scully says outloud. She grabs her jacket and
car keys . Time for DANA KATHERINE SCULLY to be happy, I deserve it , and
so does Mulder, My Mulder. He is m ine , bought and paid for with 7 years
of love, heartache , sacrifice, and pain. I love him and he loves me and
thats all that matters, at least thats what I think. 


                              THE END.........unless theres interest