From: Nicole Baker Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 20:06:59 -0800 (PST) Subject: xfc: I Try, MSR, PG Source: xfc From: Nicole Baker Title: I Try Author: Diana Fowley Email: agtdianafowley@yahoo.com Kewords: MSR, agnst Rating: PG Spoilers: FTF Summary: What would have happened if the bee hadn't stung Scully and she had left for Salt Lake City? Authors Notes: This was inspired by the song "I Try" by Macy Gray. The complete song lyrics are posted at the end of the story. If you enjoy this song, you should really check out her entire CD. It is wonderful. I Try by Diana Fowley Games, changes and fears When will they go from here When will they stop I believe that fate has brought us here And we should be together But we're not... ...His hands gently cradled my face. He thumbs gently stroked the sensitive skin just in front of my ear. His eyes, watery with fear? Concern? Love? pierced through me, looked into my soul. Searching for my fear, my concern, and my love. Either finding the answers he sought or giving up, he made his move. He took the step, crossed the line we had teetered on for so long. He leaned forward, head tilting slightly, his hinds pulling my head forward, tilting it slightly. His lips moving closer to mine. Closer until only millimeters separated us. Closer until I could feel his breath against my sensitive lips. At that moment, I panicked. I wasn't ready. I couldn't do it. I couldn't cross that line. I couldn't kiss him. I couldn't kiss him because I knew it was a kiss good-bye instead of the beginning I had always hoped our first kiss would be. I would have kissed him and turned and boarded the plane to Salt Lake City. I would have kissed him good-bye. So I turned my head and buried in the crook of his neck. I could feel his disappointment. I could feel his body deflate even as his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close to him. I wrapped my arms around him as well. Breathing in his scent, allowing myself to feel safe and protected in his strong arms. After endless moments I pulled away. I looked into his eyes and saw the pain. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. It was no easier to say good-bye than it was to kiss him good-bye. I simply ran my hands down his arms and gave is hands a gentle squeeze before turning toward the elevator. Before turning toward my new life in Utah. My new life away from Mulder. As I took measured steps away from him, willing myself not to cry, I heard him begin to speak. I stopped but couldn't bring myself to turn around. The words stuck in his throat. Slowly I willed my body to continue my journey out of Mulder's building, out of Mulder's life... ...I try to say good-bye but I choke I try to walk away but I stumble... ...It was nearly two month after the near kiss in Mulder's hallway before he and I spoke again. I had finally started to feel settled in Utah. Everything in my apartment was precisely where is should be. I was finally comfortable with the town. I was really enjoying my job. I missed the excitement of field work, but let's face it, I wasn't getting any younger. I didn't miss all of the aches and pains caused by chasing monsters and aliens. I lived on regular schedule. I ate regular meals. I have even had time to watch a little TV every now and then. Something I had be unable to do in my hectic life in DC. Though I would have given it all up to have Mulder back by my side. Overall my new life was nice. Unfortunately my month had been filled sleepless nights. The little sleep I have gotten was filled with dreams of Mulder. Visions of Mulder's lips descending on mine. Fantasies of what would have happened if I hadn't turned, if I had let him cross pull us across the line. If I had allowed him to kiss me. Wishing I had let him. Wondering what his full lips would have felt like pressed against mine. One night I was going over a case, wrapped in my oversized, white, terry cloth robe, lounging on my sofa when the phone rang. "Scully." "Did you know the number of UFO sightings in the greater Salt Lake City area has increased by nearly 35% in the last two months?" "Mulder..."I said with a sigh as a smile pulled at my lips. "Hey, Scully..." he said a smile evident in his voice. "What's up, Mulder?" I ask. "Nothing," he said with a sigh. "I just really wanted to hear your voice." I was taken back by his honesty. "Mulder, I....I'm.....well...I'm really glad you called." I imagined he was smiling now, it wasn't often that he caught me at a loss for words. "How are you?" "I'm fine," I responded and we both laughed. It felt wonderful. We talked well into the night. Neither of us making mention of the almost kiss. Neither of us disclosing the fact that our minds were nearly consumed with thoughts of each other. Neither of us mentioning how much we missed each other... ...I play it off but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool but I'm fiendin. I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near... ...Mulder and I lived like that for almost a year. Our calls started to occur more frequently until we were talking nearly every day. I began to live for his calls. I would rush home just so I hear the sound of his voice. In the beginning we talked mostly about work and life in DC. He kept and eye on my mother for me. He even started having lunch with her at least once a week. Though I talked to her frequently as well, I let him keep me updated on the events in her life. We would sometimes get into debates. We would sometimes venture into tales from out past. Mulder was especially fond of tales from my college days. I was especially fond of listening to his voice. I couldn't get enough of it. I couldn't get enough of him. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had fallen in love with my ex-partner. Though I had no idea what to do about it. I tried to convince myself that it was foolish, especially considering our distance apart. I tried but to no avail. I had fallen head over heels for a man I had never even kissed. The worst part was that there was truly nothing I could do about it. Nothing besides yearn for him every time I heard is low, sultry voice over the phone. Nothing besides hold back tears every time we had to say good-bye... ...I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near... ...Everything changed about a year and a half after I had been reassigned. I had just finished and autopsy and was beginning on my report when I heard a knock at my door. "No one in here but the FBI's most unwanted," I yelled. I didn't look to see who had entered. I didn't look until I heard his voice, "Scully...I think that's my line." "Oh my God, Mulder!" I gasped as I practically leaped over my desk and into his arms. Being held by him was an odd feeling. Not that I had never been hugged by him before. This was different. Despite the geographic distance, we were closer than ever. But physically we had always stayed very separate. I could feel his lips on the crown of my head. "I'm glad to see you too," he said. and squeezed me tighter. The sound of a throat clearing, made me pull back. Mulder held on. Turning me until I was tucked under his arm. "Lucy Thomas, I'd like you to meet Special Agent Dr. Dana Scully, M.D. And Scully, I'd like you to meet Lucy Thomas." I smiled at the woman who stood before me. I extend my hand, "Please, call me Dana." As I pulled my hand back I looked at Mulder and raised and eyebrow. Mulder gave me a goofy half smile and explained, "Lucy is....well...Lucy is my new partner on the X-Files." Before I could respond, Lucy chimed in, "Dana, I'm so glad to finally meet you. Fox has told me so much about you. I could barley get him to sit still on the plane he was so excited to see you." I hated Lucy after that one sentence. First of all, she was allowed to call him Fox. After 7 years I was still restricted to Mulder. Secondly, he had obviously felt the need to tell her about me but didn't do me the same curiosity, despite our nightly conversations. Thirdly, she was gorgeous. Long, dark brown hair with bluntly cut bangs, dark mysterious eyes. She was tall and slim. She had a great figure. Her skin was dark and free of any blemishes or the freckles that plagued my fair complexion. Mulder's voice drew me away from my examination of the new woman in Mulder's life. "Scully, we're out her on a case. Actually we just are just wrapping it up. I figured I would drop in to see you. God, Scully, you look wonderful." My anger subsided slightly as Mulder looked me over. In the year or so since he'd seen me, I had lived on a more regular schedule. A more boring schedule. Since I had little to do when I left at 5pm every night I would head to the gym. I had slimed down quite a bit and added a lot more muscle tome. I had also let my hair grow longer. It was well past my shoulders. At this length, straightening it was nearly impossible so I generally let if fall in gentle waves. "Fox?" Lucy interrupted. "We're going to be late." "Yeah," he agreed. "Scully? What time can your get our of here? I'd love to take you to dinner." "Meet me here at five," I responded. "Great," he said with a giant smile spreading across his face. "I can't wait." Neither could I. After all, he had a lot of explaining to do and I had a dinner date to prepare for. By the time that Mulder had shown back up at my office I had changed cloths and so had he. If my years of working with Mulder had taught me anything, it was to keep a couple of different changes of cloths on hand just in case. Luckily I was able to put together a very cute and sexy ensemble. I was wearing tight, black pants that left little to the imagination and a soft pink sweater set. Mulder on the other hand was wearing a pair of loose kacky pants and a slate colored, tight, turtle neck sweater. He looked wonderful. I noticed him admiring my outfit as I looked him over. After a while he finally moved his eyes to mine and said, "Damn, Scully, you look wonderful." I smiled as a grabbed my jacket, "I could definitely say the same about you, Mulder." He smiled and helped me on with my coat and we made out way to the car. Since I was more familiar with the area, I drove and picked the restaurant. It was a small jazz club I had found very early on. It had cozy private tables, a small dance floor and live music. Being fairly early, we were quickly seated and the waitress had taken our order and brought us wine before we really had a chance to talk. We talked about the case Mulder and Lucy were working on. We talked about my mother and my family. We talked about his mother, although briefly. The best part was, during the entire conversation, he couldn't seem to take is eyes off of me. He had always been very attentive. I know that he had always liked to watch me, but tonight he seemed to be making you for lost time. I was having similar difficulty pulling my gaze away from him. He looked so wonderful. He was a beautiful man and I truly missed looking at his expressive face and expressive eyes everyday. Finally, during a lull in the conversation, I brought up the one thing that was bothering me most, "So....Lucy?" He looked up from his plate and smiled, "I wondered how long it would take you to bring her up." "It was really rotten of you not to mention her to me." "I'm sorry Scully." "It's not like you didn't have a chance. I mean, it's not like we never talk." He put down is utensils, wiped his mouth on his napkin and reached across the table to take my hinds in his. "Whenever I was talking with you, Lucy never even crossed my mind." I smiled to let him know that he was off the hook for now. "Besides," he continued. "I didn't expect her to last longer than a few day. She had hard shoes to fill." I laughed, "Mulder, I only hope you weren't half as hard on her as you were on me." "Yes, you do," he said with a smile. "You're right," I said with a smile of my own. "I actually hope you were harder." We both laughed and I was struck by the realization that Mulder and I had laughed and smiled together more tonight than we had in almost our entire partnership. Something had definitely changed, changed for the better. As the night went on, Mulder and I finished dinner. We laughed. We smiled. We danced. We held each other close. Finally I drove us back to my place for coffee and desert. As I made the coffee in the kitchen I heard Mulder on the phone. "Lucy... Yeah, it's me....How's the report coming?... I know and I'm sorry. We just really needed this time together....Back? I don't know. I may stay here....Could you grab my bags and I will meet you at the airport for the flight?...I know, I know....I owe you one....Yes, your wonderful....Thanks a lot, Lucy....Goodnight." He smile as his hung up the phone. He had obviously intended to have a private conversation with Lucy, because when he turned to see me standing in the room the smile turned into the panic face. "Hey, Scully, how about those Knicks?" I just laughed and shook my head as I sat next to him on the sofa and handed him his coffee. I knew he was dying to know how much of his conversation I had heard. After a few minutes of torture I finally broke. "So, you ditched her and left her to write the report on her own? Some things never change do they Mulder?" I could see him replying the conversation in his head. When he figured out that I had heard the whole thing he started to apologize, but I stopped him. "Mulder, I would love to have you as my first guest. You have the choice of the sofa or my extra bedroom." He smiled, "Neither are my top choice but I supposed both are better than my lumpy old sofa." We ended up talking into the night. Finally we neither of us could keep our eyes open I said, "When's your flight, Mulder? I'd love to see you off." "Eight-thirty and I would love for you to see me off." I showed him to the guest room and as I turned to walk out of the room he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, "It is really great to be here, Scully. I hope we can do this again soon." I smiled and rose up to place a gentle kiss on this cheek. "Soon, Mulder. We'll do this again soon. Now get some sleep, you have an early flight to catch. Goodnight." "Goodnight, Scully," he said as left for my room. My sleep was filled with dreams of Mulder The next morning I though very little of the fact that I was going to be saying good-bye to him again. I gave very little thought to the fact that it may be another year before I saw him again. As we approached the gate, Mulder grabbed me and pulled me off to the side away from the crowd. "Scully, I just....I just wanted to say that I don't want to wait another year to see you again. Is there anyway you can come to DC in the next few weeks? Being apart like this is killing me, especially after last night." I raised an eyebrow and he explained, "Everything was different, between us I mean. We were so comfortable with each other. It was so right. I know you felt it too. I don't want us to loose this...this closeness." "I don't either," I said trying to keep the tears I felt welling inside me out of my voice. "I felt it too, Mulder." He pulled me into his arms and whispered into my hair. "You know I love you, don't you Scully?" I nodded against his chest. I knew he loved me. After what happened outside his apartment, it was pretty clear. "I love you too, Mulder," I whispered against his chest. I felt him nod. After a few more minutes, I pulled away, "We better go, I'm sure Lucy is waiting." I started walking toward his gate. He came up behind me an grabbed my hand as we walked the remaining yards to the gate and found Lucy. We all managed to make small talk until their flight was finally announced. Mulder didn't let go of my hand until they stood to leave. "It was nice to meet you, Lucy," I said. "I'm glad he's got someone to keep him out of trouble." She smiled and shook my hand. Then she turned to board the plane. Sensing we needed a few minutes alone. This time is was me who pulled Mulder into an embrace. "Good-bye, Mulder, I promise I'll make it to DC soon." We released each other when the final boarding call was announced. I turned to walk away. This time when he called my name, his voice didn't catch in his throat. This time when he called my name I turned toward him. As I turned his lips descended on mine. The kiss was everything I had ever imagined and more. I was perfect. Strong and gentle and passionate. When we finally separated both of us were gasping for breath. I didn't realized that he had picked my up until I had to slide back down his body to regain contact with the floor. "Is next weekend too soon?" "Tomorrow isn't too soon," he said as he place one final kiss on his lips before he boarded his plane. I began to miss him, the moment he was out of sight. I could no longer keep the tears at bay by the time I reached my car. This was going to be a long week... ...I may appear to be free But I'm just a prisoner of your love I may seem alright and smile when you leave But my smiles are just a front I play it off but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool but I'm fiendin. I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near... ...The week went by more slowly than I could have possibly imagined. Even though Mulder and I talked every night, I still missed him terribly. As soon as Mulder got back to DC he called me. At first, as I had feared, things were strange. There were long moments of silence on both ends as we tried to adjust to our new roles of...well, of whatever we were now. As the week progressed we became more and more comfortable with each other. He told me that he loved me often and that he missed me terribly. I told him the same. The memory of Mulder making kissy noises into the phone before we hung up was enough to bring a smile to my face even in the midst's of the most hideous cases. Finally Friday came and I was headed home, back to DC and Mulder. Even though I was nervous as hell about actually spending the weekend with Mulder I had a grin on my face during the entire flight. A smile that only got bigger when I saw Mulder's lanky form standing in the very front of the crowd welcoming the people on my flight. "Hey," he said with a huge smile on his face. "Hey," I responded with and equally big smile. He took my bag and started through the crowd. When we were out of the congestion he stopped and turned to me. He bent to place my bag on the floor and as he stood and took me with him. My arms went around his neck as he lifted me into an embrace. "I'm really glad your here, Scully." I buried my head in this neck and said, "I am so glad to be here." We stayed that way for a long time. Finally I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "We gonna spend the weekend in the airport, Mulder?" He laughed and gently returned me to the ground. He bent and grabbed my bag and we started to make our way out of the airport. We only made it a few steps before I heard him whisper, "What the hell..." Before I knew it I was back in his arms and his lips were planted firmly against mine. It was nothing like our first kiss. It was less passionate but definitely full of promise of things to come. Promise of what lay before me this weekend. When I reached Mulder's apartment I was exhausted. We ordered take out and watched movies. I ended up falling asleep with my head on Mulder's lap. I vaguely remember Mulder placing a gentle kiss on my forehead and pulling a blanket around me before heading off to bed. Mulder and I spend most of the day Saturday walking around DC. We visited the landmarks, did some shopping and had a wonderful lunch in Georgetown. Mulder was a perfect gentleman. Almost to perfect. The most he did all day was hold my hand. It was nice and sweet, but not at all what I had expected out of this weekend. He almost seemed unsure about how to act, how far to take it. What I couldn't figured out is whether he was purposely trying to take our relationship slow because he wanted to or because I thought that I wanted to. I didn't really even know what I wanted to do. I wanted him. I had wanted him for a very very long time. I was also very cautious about moving too fast. What I knew for sure is that I was definitely ready to explore the physical side of our relationship and if he didn't try something soon, I was going to go crazy... ...Here is my confession May I be your possession Boy I need your touch Your love kisses and such... After dinner as we walked along the reflecting pool I decided to make my move. I pulled his arm from its place at its side and wrapped it around my shoulders. He gave me a smile and pulled me closer. I wrapped my arm around his waist and we continued to walk. This was nice, much nicer than holding hands. I always felt so safe when his arms were around me. I still wanted more When we returned to Mulder's apartment he made coffee we sat together on his couch watching TV. When he was appeared to be finished with his coffee, I removed the mug from his hand and placed it on the table in front of us. I then kneel beside him on the sofa and kissed him soundly. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and deepened the kiss. When we finally pulled apart I said, "I've been waiting all day to do that." "Then why didn't you?" "Why didn't you?" "We never really discussed this. I mean we never really talked about where this relationship was going to go or how quickly is was going to get there." I kissed him again before I settled next back against him, "Then, let's talk." "Ladies first." I looked up and him and smiled, "Mulder, you are suck a gentleman....Well, I guess that I really don't want to rush into anything. I want to be with you. I want you. I want you to hold me and to kiss me. I always feel so safe and protected in you arms, but we don't have to do anything or everything tonight. I am just so happy to be here with you like this." "Scully, I love you and I want you, but I kind of like the idea of taking this slow. This is the most important relationship I have ever had in my entire life and I don't want to rush into anything. Besides, it will give me more to look forward to when I come to Utah next weekend." He kissed my head and we sat there, just enjoying the time together. "Mulder," I finally said, "Let's go to bed." He made the panic face again and I couldn't help but laugh. "Just to sleep, Mulder. I'm only going to be in town for a few more hours and I want to spend the rest of them in your arms." He gently kissed me and we headed off to bed. It's been a week since that occurred and I am now standing in the airport waiting for Mulder's plane to arrive. It was easier to leave him that time knowing that I would see him again so soon. I know this relationship is going to me hard. I know I will miss him terrible when we are apart but I think Mulder and I can make anything work. If nothing else, it is teaching me to count the minutes until we say hello instead of dreading the heartache of saying good-bye. The End I Try by Macy Gray Games, changes and fears When will they go from here When will they stop I believe that fate has brought us here And we should be together But we're not... I play it off but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool but I'm fiendin. I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near Good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I crumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near I may appear to be free But I'm just a prisoner of your love I may seem alright and smile when you leave But my smiles are just a front I play it off but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool but I'm fiendin. I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near Here is my confession May I be your possession Boy I need your touch Your love kisses and such With all my might I try But this I can't deny I play it off but I'm dreaming of you I keep my cool but I'm fiendin. I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near Good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I crumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near ===== AIM: xflznicole Scully: "Snake handling, I didn't learn that in catacism class." Mulder: "Funny, I knew a couple of catholic school girls who were experts at it."