From: "Rhyme Phile" Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 14:00:18 -0400 Subject: "I Will Not Touch Fox Mulder's Butt" by RhymePhile Source: direct Title: "I Will Not Touch Fox Mulder's Butt" Author: RhymePhile E-mail: RhymePhile@hotmail.com Distribution: Please post around the world Rating: PG Category: V, H Keywords: Parody Spoilers: "Pusher" and "Redux" Summary: Scully and Holly offer a humorous take on the Dr. Seuss rhyme "Green Eggs and Ham" using Mulder as inspiration. Disclaimer: Fox, Dana, Holly, and Walter S. all belong to CC, 1013, and Fox Productions. Chris Carter himself is mentioned, and unless some odd things have happened over at the Fox Network, Chris still owns himself. "Green Eggs and Ham" is a product of Dr. Seuss, and he holds the copyright. No infringement is intended. Author's note: Originally posted to the newsgroup alt.tv.x- files.creative on March 4, 1998. "I Will Not Touch Fox Mulder's Butt" by RhymePhile "I am Holly! I am Holly! Holly-I-am!" "Holly?" Scully questioned, "why in the hell are you talking like that? Are you okay? Oh God, Pusher's not around, is he?" "No, I'm okay, Dana. Put your weapon away. I just figured I would get into at least one person's fanfic...you'd think I would be more popular, y'know, beating up Skinner and all, and then helping you with that Bureau phone number during "Redux." I'm not like the all-popular Krycek, or that Agent Pendrell guy, but at least people have seen me! I mean, have you ever actually *seen* this mysterious "Danny" you and Mulder are always talking to? No! So if someone wants me in their vignette, who am I to complain? If I have to rhyme...well...for the sake of my dignity I'll force myself. But I won't do slash, got it? I wouldn't mind a Holly/other sometime, though..." "Do you need my help? I'm always in tons of stories; I'll take an easy rhyming couplet now and then. Some of these fanfics tire me out...so much angst! And the kissing and smooching...you'd think that's all I ever do, for Pete's Sake! I'm not even going to mention the sex...well, I'm game. I'll rhyme along with you. It will take my mind and everyone else's off Mulder for a while, anyway." "Oh, sorry, Dana. There *has* to be UST in this one. It just wouldn't be funny otherwise." "Oh. Well, all right. Is there any kissing or smooching?" "Nah. There never is in UST, you know that," replied Holly. "Yeah. It has to be okay for those "shippers" and "non- shippers", at least that's what I heard," Scully said. "Y'know, just once I'd like to be in a cool story where I ditch Mulder and head off to a vacation spot somewhere, suck down a few margaritas, and come back nice and tan." "He would think you were abducted again, probably." "That's true. So what are we doing with this rhyme?" "It's called, 'I Will Not Touch Fox Mulder's Butt,'" Holly said. "Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's a good one! Hey, I'm in a good mood, strangely enough. Okay, I'll do it. Let's start again." "Thanks, Dana. I really appreciate it." "Well, I owed you one from the phone thing in "Redux," right?" "I guess," answered Holly. "Just follow my lead with this rhyme, but keep in mind Dr. Seuss and 'Green Eggs and Ham.' I'll be throwing some good UST stuff your way, so just remember not to act on it, and we'll be fine." Scully nodded. "Gotcha. Carry on." "Thank you. I am Holly! I am Holly! Holly-I-am! Will you touch Fox Mulder's butt?" "I will not touch him, Holly-I-am! I will not touch Fox Mulder's butt! Hey, wait a second. That doesn't rhyme." "Oh, I forgot to tell you. Since this is X-Files RhymeFic, you get to take liberties. It doesn't *have* to follow 'Green Eggs and Ham' exactly, but it *does* have to rhyme, and it *does* have to be funny," Holly said. "Okay," said Scully. "Let me try again...um... I will not touch him This isn't smut! I will not touch Fox Mulder's butt!" "Good one! Let's continue... Would you touch him there or here?" "I would not touch him there or here. I would not touch him drunk on beer. I would not touch Fox Mulder's butt. Holly come on, this isn't smut! "Would you touch him in a car? Would you touch him in a bar?" "I would not touch him in a car. I would not touch him in a bar. I would not touch him there or here. I would not touch him drunk on beer. I would not touch Fox Mulder's butt! C'mon now, Holly, this isn't smut! "Would you touch him near the Xerox? Would you touch him if he had dreadlocks? Would you touch him, your partner Fox?" "MULDER. Not by the Xerox. *Not* if he had dreadlocks. Not in a car. Not in a bar. I would not touch him there or here. I would not touch him drunk on beer. I would not touch Fox Mulder's butt! C'mon now, Holly, this isn't smut!" "Would you? Could you? With technique? Would you? Could you? Tweak his cheek?" "I would not, could not with technique! I would not, could not tweak his cheek!" "I know! I know! Leaning over a desk! Or how about in a cheap burlesque?" "No way! I couldn't! Not by a desk! Not even in a cheap burlesque!" "All right. How 'bout when you're watching slides? You could put your hand on his cute backside!" "Never! Never watching slides! And never near his cute backside! I wouldn't touch him by a desk! I wouldn't touch him in a cheap burlesque! I would not, could not with technique! I would not, could not tweak his cheek! Not near the Xerox! Not if he had dreadlocks! Not in a car! Not in a bar! I would not touch him there or here! I would not touch him drunk on beer! I would not touch Fox Mulder's butt! C'mon now, Holly this isn't smut!" "I bet you'd like it if you tried. You should do it then decide!" "It will never happen, Holly dear. Let me make it crystal clear. See, Chris Carter's The Creator. He's always been a romance hater. Sometimes we get a passionate glance, But never a kiss, And *never* romance! Together we are quite harmonic, But from here on out it's just platonic. The movie's coming, soon, you'll see... But until then... It's UST!!!!!!" END -Exeunt- Adieu RhymePhile Whatcha think? Comments appreciated, wet or dry.