From: O0oLAo0O Date: 16 Jun 1999 03:40:53 GMT Subject: xfc NEW: I Yearn VA (R?) <1/1> Title: I Yearn Author: Lauren Koehler Date: 6-15-99 Archive: Por Favor!! (that means please!) Feedback: <> I need to feel loved!!! Rating: Sadly enough, G or PG Content: Mucho Angst, a little MSR, perhaps Category VA (R) Disclaimer: I want em!!! (and its not like xf execs and fbi copyright dudes read this anyway.) but FYI, m&s ain't mine. Summary: Mulder. Thought. Interesting..... Notes: This was almost a poem. Scary huh? I thought so. Thanks to too much caffiene on a sad monday night and hormones for the idea. LOL. No serious editing went into this. please forgive.... the show must... go on....?! -shakespeare in love -=-=-=-=- I Yearn I yearn to see the color of your eyes as you cry. My green, the color of your eyes when tears fall, is a demented yellow-grey, not worthy of the irises it inhabits. Color is relative. Reality is subjective. I yearn to know that color. The color of that dress, the one you wear as you stand, tears betraying the calm facade. I will never know green. I yearn to see the color of your hair, piled atop your head. For years I have wondered what shade it really is, although, I can see when the coloring begins to fade and the dirty blonde shows through. I want to soothe you, run my fingers through the tendrils and see them shimmer in the light. The color eludes me. The color of your lips as you lick them nervously, your lipstick as it smears under your tongue's ministrations. I will never know red. How fitting. But I still yearn for you. I yearn to reach out to you, wipe away the tears that I have caused so bluntly. Erase the pain I have caused, and not just tonight. I want to take my fingertips and smooth the small lines on your face, use my palm to draw out the demons within. I want to see you smile. Your smile, wide and beautiful when you allow it, when you do not hide behind your surname. I want to take back those words that I said, that I should not have said. "I don't return your feelings. Please." One of them was a lie. Can you guess which? It was a foolhardy lie. To protect you. To protect us. To protect the world. I can tell you that it was false, tell you the truth: I have never loved another. But this cannot happen. I want to make it right. I can never make it all right. That frightens me. But I still yearn for you. I yearn to see you happy. On the lawn, in the park, at a picnic. Slender, gentle, strong arms snaked around the waist of the man you love. Holding tight as you watch your beautiful children chase the dog through the trees. I want to see you as you reach down to caress your swollen abdomen, and the joy in your eyes as that man places his hand over yours. When joy fills your soul, what color are your eyes? Now they are a vehement grey, as you stare at me, as I stare at you. What are you saying? "Mulder....why?" I can never tell you why. But I am the reason. But I still yearn for you. I yearn to tell you that I, I alone keep us from the love that is blossoming here. I am afraid. Afraid of what they will do to you if I admit it. Say that I love you. They will hurt you. They hurt you when we were only partners, best friends. They can tear me apart if they so much as touch you. I want to leave this world. I want to be normal, too. But that can never be. You see, because of them. But I still yearn for you. I yearn to be that man, caressing our unborn child on a warm day, when the flowers bloom. I want to hold you and tell you that I love you. I want to be domestic. Domestic. Lovely word. But you, my partner, is the only one. The one who can domesticate me. I want to see tears of joy run down your face as I kiss the taut skin through your sundress. And then your eyes will be green. But I can never be this man. Your eyes are a murky blue as you press your forehead to mine. Your lips are brownish now, the lipstick gone. Your dress is rumpled from where you have been sitting on it. The sleeve is darkened from your frantic swipes at your cheeks. The mascara smears your flushed cheek as you close the door, leaving me with my selfish thoughts on my couch. I can never see the colors of your heart, mind, and body, Scully. I can never make it right, Scully. I can never change the way it is, Scully. I can never make you happy, Scully. I can never love you, Scully. But I still yearn for you, Dana. But I still love you, Dana. -=-=- And i walk upon high and i step to the edge to see my world below and i laugh to myself oh as the tears roll down cuz its the world i know cuz its the world i know. -c. s. -=-=- -Lauren Koehler, ICQ UIN = 9767490