From: Megan Kennedy <mekamorph@yahoo.com>
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 12:25:03 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Story submission-"Idle Theme"

Ttile: "Idle Theme"
Author: Megan E. Kennedy
E-Mail address: Mekamorph@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Category: XH
Spoilers: Umm....
Keywords:
Summary: An envelope, some dream sequences and Mulder's as confused as
you are! In script format, sort of.

DISCLAIMER: I am not Chris Carter (whew!) and threfore do not own any 
of the following characters: Mulder, Scully, Spender, Skinner, Krycek,
CSM, Fowley, the Lone Gunmen, or Samantha Mulder. Alexa Krycek belongs
to Jen Collesel, Herbert West belongs to the estate of H.P. Lovecraft,
Jerry Fletcher belongs to Paramount Pictures and the Viacommies (down
with MSN!) and the characters of "Clue" belong to Milton-Bradley. The
following people belong to themselves: Ron Popiel, Scott Adams, Chris
Carter, Paul Rabwins, Tom Braidwood, Nicholas Lea, Chris Owens, Mitch
Pileggi, William B. Davis, Kim Manners, Jennifer and Megan.  
No re-animators, clowns, cucumbers or ferrets were injured during the
production of this fanfic.

Scene One
Mulder's apartment.
Mulder is sleeping on the couch. The phone rings and he starts awake.

MULDER: "Mulder. This better be good."

SCULLY: "Is that how you always answer your phone?"

MULDER: "When it's three in the morning and the Lone Gunmen insist on 
having you ref an argument about 'Earth: Final Conflict' I want to see
how cheerful you can be."

SCULLY: "You're kidding me."

MULDER: "Tell that to Langly. He needed stitches."

SCULLY: "I am going to pretend I didn't hear that and change the 
subject. Skinner called me in and gave me a very thick envelope marked
'do not open until said date.' Somebody did some kind of bodily harm 
to somebody else for something or other and insists that a demon made
him do it. We fly to Honolulu so you can give the guy a psychological
evaluation and/or exorcism, as needed."

MULDER: "You're so sweet. What airport?"

SCULLY: "Skinner wants to brief us more fully before we leave. Meet 
me at headquarters as soon as possible."

MULDER: "It's a date." He hangs up and rolls off the couch with a 
muffled interjection and explicative.

Scene Two
Skinner's office.
Scully and Mulder walk in. Skinner sits at his desk as usual, in full
circus clown regalia.

SKINNER: "Agents, please sit. Thank you for coming so quickly."

MULDER: "What, ah...what seems to be the funny business-trouble, sir?"

SKINNER: "Agents, I had to make up some malarkey about demons in 
Hawaii to bring you here. I'm afraid I've begun channeling the spirit
of Bozo the clown and-" Scott Adams bursts into the room.

SCOTT ADAMS: "That's my joke! Give it back! I have cucumbermen!" 
Mulder and Scully draw their weapons.

SCULLY: "We don't have the firepower to stand up to those!"

RON POPEIL: "That's why you need my amazing new-"

SKINNER: "Agents! Save yourselves!" He begins to spray Scott Adams and
Ron Popiel with seltzer. Mulder and Scully jump out a window.

Scene Three 
Rental Car
Mulder wakes up. Scully is peering at some doors with binoculars. 

SCULLY: "Good evening-oh, he's going in!" She passes Mulder the binox.
He sees Krycek scuttle into a water-treatment plant. 

MULDER: "Let's go get our envelope back." They sneak into the plant 
after Krycek. Scully goes one way, Mulder goes another. Somebody 
sneaks up and blindfolds him. When the blindfold is removed, he has 
been striped to his T-shirt and boxers and tied with his pants. He 
removes the binding and begins to walk gingerly across a catwalk.

KRYCEK (from behind): "Don't move or you're getting personal with a 
very large gun."

MULDER: "So I guessed." He spins around and grabs the muzzle of the 
gun, twisting it away from him. 

ALEXA: "Let go of Alex's gun or you're going to learn the hard way all
about Lindstrahts." Mulder spins around and sees Alexa. He does 
several double takes before settling on her.

MULDER: "Please tell me you're the good twin."

ALEX: "You're so witty I could scream, Mulder."

ALEXA: "Nice try. I am Alexa Taiga Chekov-Krycek. The gentleman-" 
Mulder interrupts her with a peal of laughter. "The gentleman whose 
gun you've apprehended is my dear husband."

MULDER: "What would compel you to marry that?"

ALEX: "Too bad you'll never find out." He raises his gun.

ALEXA: "Alex! What are you doing?"

ALEX: "I'm shooting him!"

ALEXA: "What were our orders?"

ALEX: "To bring him back to that Turkish sauna on 46nd street. I mean,
have they ever learned of ventilation?"

ALEXA: "Those orders specified that he be brought alive, dear."

ALEX: "Oh, come on, that was Spender's old man you talked to. He 
doesn't have any more brains than his son."

ALEXA: "I'll remind you that Jeffry and I were lovers before I ever 
met you."

MULDER: "Can we continue this elsewhere? I'm cold."

KRYCEKS: "Hush!"

ALEX: "Hon, he's insulted you and me. I say plug him and say it was 
unavoidable."

ALEXA: "You would be that fickle. Alex, my first loyalty is to you. 
That means I'm not about to let you screw yourself up."

ALEX: "You're expecting them to punish me? Hah! Murder attempts or 
not, they need me. I'm the King of the Henchmen!"

ALEXA: "Oh, dear, you're overdosed on those painkillers I got you for
your stump, didn't you?"

ALEX: "Stump? Stump?! I'll show you a stump!" He attempts to unzip his
pants without lowering his gun. Mulder wisely jumps over the railing.

Scene Four
Scully's apartment
Mulder knocks on the door. Scully answers, wearing a knee-length satin
chemise and a bright smile.

MULDER: "Hmm? Oh, sorry, Scully. I must have micro-slept. You wanted 
to talk about..." He notices her clothing-or, rather, the lack there 
of. "About-uh, the envelope-"

SCULLY: "Come inside. We'll talk about it in here." Mulder follows 
warily. The inside of the apartment has been completely covered with 
candles.

Mulder: "Uh-um, Scully, I really don't think-"

SCULLY: "So don't think, Fox." She pulls him close and gives him a big
wet kiss. She begins undoing his tie when she slumps over. Spender 
crawls into the window.

SPENDER: "You're lucky I saved you, Mulder! Scully was infected with a
dangerous virus she could has passed on to you! Glad I splurged to put
a scope on my tranquilizer dart gun, eh?" He grins. 

MULDER: "Spender...did it ever occur to you...THAT I DID NOT WANT TO 
BE SAVED?!" He begins to throttle Spender, who turns into a magical 
ferret and flys away.

Scene Five
Rental Car
Mulder wakes up with a start. Scully gives him a disapproving look.

SCULLY: "Mulder, you've been out for half the drive. The Lone Gunmen 
didn't make you mediate another 'Earth: Final Conflict' dispute, did 
they?"

MULDER: "It wasn't so much the discussion as waiting for the ambulance
after Byers threw the paperweight."

SCULLY: "I see." The car pulls into a parking lot. Nearby is an 
abandoned warehouse. The agents get out with their weapons drawn.

MULDER: "Remind me why our future tracheotomy patient enjoys using 
abandoned warehouses for bases of operations."

SCULLY: "If I knew, I'd tell you." They burst into the warehouse. 
Chris Carter, Paul Rawbins, et. al. are standing around with their 
equipment. Nick Lea is trying to disguise the fact that he's just 
bitten into a stale custard doughnut while several extras mill about 
the catering table.

MULDER: "The hell-?"

CHRIS CARTER: "David, for crying out loud, this is the thirtieth time
we've done this take! Can you at least try to get the line?"

SCULLY: "Who the hell are you?"

CARTER: "Gillian, are you feeling all right? Maybe we should-" Mulder
spots Nick Lea, spitting a mouthful of half-masticated doughnut into 
somebody else's coffee and attempting to look casual about it.

MULDER: "Krycek!" He tries to fire his gun. The prop emits a hollow 
pop. He looks at the prop in wonder.

NICK LEA: "Holy-!" He ducks.

CARTER: "David, Gillian, maybe you should two should take some time 
off. I know Tea's been concerned about your possibly over-working 
yourself-"

LEA: "For crying out loud, Chris, give them a script, their wallets, 
and a TV Guide and let them work things out for themselves!"

SCULLY: "Somebody tell me what's going on!"

MITCH PILEGGI(off-camera): "You've been watching too many episodes of
'The Twilight Zone,' that's what."

TOM BRAIDWOOD: "Now, David, Tea's on the way. Why don't you go sit in
your trailer-?"

SCULLY AND MULDER: "Frohike?!"

CHRIS OWENS: "That's it! I knew this show what dangerous!" He throws 
his script and a manila envelope in the air. Mulder snatches at it, 
but William B. Davis catches it. Bodyguards restrain him from 
attacking Davis bodily.

Scene Six
Office of the X-Files
Mulder is zoned out on his desk. He jolts awake.

SCULLY: "Something wrong?"

MULDER: "Oh, nothing much I just...I had a dream that our entire lives
were just some TV drama with good make-up and everyone we knew were 
actors and I was married to Tea Leoni."

SCULLY: "Now that's a dream."

MULDER: "I deign to ignore that." Spender walks into the office.

SPENDER: "Hello, Pooky!" He and Scully engage in a deep kiss. Mulder 
begins to scream. He wakes up as before.

FOWLEY: "Something wrong?" Scully walks into the office.

SCULLY: "Hello, Pooky!" She wraps herself around Mulder.
He wakes up as before.

SCULLY: "Something-"

MULDER: "If I hear the name 'pooky' again I'm going to staple myself 
to death."

SCULLY: "What side of the desk did you wake up on?"

MULDER: "Har har." He pauses, perturbed. "Scully...has Spender ever 
tried to kiss you?"

SCULLY: "Okay, now I know there's peyote in the tea."

MULDER: "Never mind." The door opens. Flukeman staggers into the room
with a mail cart. He leave a manila envelope in Scully's desk and 
staggers out.

SCULLY: "This took its sweet time getting here." Mulder stares at the
door, then Scully, then a door several times with a look of 
perturbation, shock, and confusion on his face.

MULDER: "Scully...when did you get a desk?"

SCULLY: "When you and I solved the X-files." Mulder begins to scream.

Scene Seven
Dimly lit corridors.
Mulder jerks his head up. His cell phone is ringing.

MULDER: "Scully, what have you got?"

SCULLY: "Headed your way. He's got the envelope, damn him. On your 
left." The CSM walks past right on cue.

MULDER: "Freeze! Where's the envelope?" 

CSM: "Hah! You'll never find it!"

MULDER: "You've watched 'Goldfinger' too many times. Where's the 
envelope?"

CSM: "You aren't in any position to call the shots here, Mulder. I 
won't give you the envelope without some thing in exchange."

MULDER: "What is it?"

CSM: "Watch me!" He throws open his overcoat. He is wearing a little 
girl's ballet tutu underneath. He begins to perform "Riverdance" but 
is hindered by his platform shoes.

MULDER: "Nooooo!" He makes a break for it.

Scene Eight
Mulder is lying on the ground in the forest. Scully is shaking him.

SCULLY: "Come on! We're almost there!" Mulder climbs to his feet.

MULDER: "You're sure the tracer Byers put in the envelope is working?"

SCULLY: "I know so, if only because he owed you for waiting for 
Langly's ambulance." They tramp into a clearing. Alexa Krycek, wearing
a grass skirt, coconut bra, and little else, is lounging in a 
complicated-looking hammock. 

ALEXA: "Fancy meeting you here! Small world, eh?"

MULDER: "Where's the envelope? Or did your pet rat scurry away with 
it?"

SCULLY: "Mulder? Who is this?"

ALEXA: "The envelope is here, Fox darling." She produces the 
now-battered manila. "And I am Alexa Taiga-"

MULDER: "She's Krycek's wife." He grabs for the envelope and Alexa 
produces a third arm to snag his wrist. Tribesman and Amazons appear 
and tie Scully to a stake. Alexa's fourth arm strikes a little gong. 
The fifth and sixth light torches.

ALEXA: "'Krycek's wife' indeed!"

SCULLY: "Mulder, help! We're trapped in 'Kiss of the Spider Woman!'"

MULDER: "What do I do??"

SCULLY: "I think you have to kiss her!"

MULDER: "You're kidding! This is the woman who chews Krycek's lips! 
Who plays him in tonsil hockey! Who trades spit with him! Who-"

SCULLY: "I get the picture, Mulder! Just kiss her before they burn me
at the stake!"

MULDER: "Are these the Zulu or the Puritans?" He puckers up to kiss 
Alexa and faints. 

Scene Nine
A spooky-looking barn in New England. Mulder wakes up in a car.

SCULLY: "Geez, Mulder, you really need sleep." 

MULDER: "Sorry. Any sign of our grave-robbers?"

SCULLY: "Not yet. Think we should check out that farm house?"

MULDER: "Can't hurt." They get out and approach the farm house. A 
zombie-monster-beast breaks through the door as they approach and 
run howling down the lane, only to be cut down by six gunshots. A 
short blonde man with glasses pockets his revolver and scowls.

HERBERT WEST: "Damn it! It wasn't fresh enough!"

MULDER: "What the-?!"

WEST: "Oh, goody! Live people! Working solely with corpses get boring,
you know. Dou you mind terribly if I kill you now?" He approaches with
a shovel.

SCULLY: "Get away from us, you tow-headed little fiend!"

WEST: "I've been call that before, sugar." He takes out syringe of 
glowing liquid. "Who first?"

MULDER: "Get back! Back, I say!" When West refuses to respond, Mulder
shoots him.

WEST: "Damn it! You've gone and killed me! One solution...OVERSDOSE!"
He empties the syringe into himself and blinks. "Goodness. Decomposing
is a peculiar sensation, isn't it?"

SCULLY: "Mulder...I suggest we get the hell out of here."

MULDER: "I'll race you." He makes a break for it and trips over the 
re-animated beastie's arm.

Scene Ten
A retro-furnished room with red leather chairs all built for midgets 
and a tea set on the table. Mulder starts awake in one of the chairs.
Two young girls with long brown hair and glasses sit across from him.

MULDER: "Have I been getting too little sleep or do I have strange 
dreams to burn?"

MEGAN: "This isn't anything involving dreams-"

JENNIFER: "-but rather quantum reality-"

MEGAN: "-in a variation of Shroedinger's Cat-"

JENNIFER: "-but without the radiation-"

MEGAN: "-because otherwise the ASPCA would nail their arse-"

JENNIFER: "-and the Syndicate would be replaced by a teenage trainee-"

MEGAN: "-with a paper hat-"

JENNIFER: "-and pimples."

MEGAN: "Or worse-"

JENNIFER: "-Spender."

MEGAN: "Did you-"

JENNIFER: "-get that?"

MULDER: "What's the experiment? Who's behind it? Where's the 
envelope?"

MEGAN: "We though you would-"

JENNIFER: "-figure that out for yourself." 

MULDER: "Am I even awake?!"

MEGAN and JENNIFER: "No."

Scene Eleven
Baggage compartment of a train. Scully is peeping out a hole. Mulder 
sit bolt upright.

SCULLY: "Shush! Do you want him to hear us?"

MULDER: "My watch." He peeks through the hole. Krycek is wearing a fez
and has a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. The train goes through a
tunnel, darkening the cabin.

SCULLY: "Now!" They jump out of the baggage compartment and land in a
heap on the floor. Kim Manners wanders by and is shocked by the 
language.

MULDER: "I have it! Let's get out of here!" The train comes out of the
tunnel as they burst out of the cabin. Scully is wearing the fez and 
Mulder has the briefcase and the attached appendage. Krycek leaps out
of the cabin.

KRYCEK: "Hey! Give me back my rubber arm!" 

MULDER: "Yah! Have it!" He can't get the handcuffs undone and 
continues into the dining cart. A party appears to be underway and he
and Scully are separated.

KRYCEK: "Darn you, Mulder, that prosthetic costed me cash! I want it 
back!"

SCULLY: "Mulder! Get rid of it!"

MULDER: "Catch the secret suitcase!" He tosses it overhead. The cast 
of 'Trading Places' wanders by and is ignored.

SCULLY: "Got it!" In the next car, Spender (dressed as a ticket-taker)
attempts to apprehend them.

SPENDER: "Gimme the arm and the envelope!"

SCULLY: "Eat leather, Ferrt-Boy!" she kicks him in the jaw and a more
sensitive local further south. Krycek collides with him and they 
scuffle.

MULDER: "Let's get out of here before clones start showing up"

SAMANTHA: "Too late!" Mulder and Scully jump out the window and land 
on the grass.

SCULLY: "Well, that was invigorating." A cab drives by. Skinner is 
driving, still in clown regalia. Jerry Fletcher is tied up in the 
passenger seat.

SKINNER: "Get in! Quick!" They get in quick. "Now, I've been ordered 
to kill you. But since I'm not an angry clown, and you still need to 
exorcise Bozo from me, I'm waiving the rules." He speeds off, leaving
Mulder and Scully outside headquarters. Fowley comes running up.

FOWLEY: "Mulder! I love you! Marry me or I will throw myself to the 
rats!"

MULDER: "Sorry, Diana, Krycek's got a wife." He drags Scully into the
building. They collapse into chairs at Mulder's desk.

SCULLY: "Whew. Looks like the expiration date on the envelope is just
a few minutes away."

MULDER: "A few minutes too long, if you ask me." Spender kicks in 
their door. He is wearing a rubber wetsuit, scuba gear, and flippers,
and carries a pistol. Krycek hits him over the her with a lead pipe. 
A dagger embeds itself in the doorframe, and Krycek runs yelping away.
Mrs. Peacock chases him with the wrench. Professor Plum stops to 
retrieve his dagger.

PROF. PLUM: "Terribly sorry, sir, ma'am, but that Russian bloke just 
won't accept that he has to roger Miss Scarlet later. I think his 
wife's got him whipped." Plum speeds off.

MULDER: "Screw the expiration date. Open it now." Scully checks her 
watch, then opens the envelope. It contains a stack of papers with 
typing on them.

SCULLY: "These...they look like a manuscript." She flips to the last 
page and reads aloud. " 'Scully flipped to the last page and began to
read aloud. Just then, Megan and Jennifer appeared in the doorway and
gave Mulder a thumbs-up for figuring out that the envelope was an 
experiment in temporal mechanics and quantum physics, and was 
recording what he did while he did it without being written on in the
first place. They then vanished in a puff of logic.'" Scully and 
Mulder look up. Megan and Jennifer are there giving thumbs-up.

MEGAN: "We always knew you'd-"

JENNIFER "-figure it out." They vanished in a puff of logic.

MULDER: "I think I am going to need a stiff drink."

SCULLY: "For once, Mulder, I agree with you." Krycek returned and 
snatches back his arm.

KRYCEK: "Inconsiderate boobs." He thumbs his nose at them and runs 
away. 

Scene Twelve
Mulder's apartment.
Mulder is sleeping on the couch. The phone rings and he starts awake.

MULDER: "Mulder. This better be good."

SCULLY: "Is that how you always answer your phone?" Mulder begins to 
reply but hesitate. "Are you there?"

MULDER: "Scully...did Skinner give you an envelope?"

SCULLY: "Yes, yeas he did. How did you know?"

MULDER: "Destroy it, Scully. It's all more trouble than it's worth."

SCULLY: "Wait a half! How didn't you know I had an envelope?"

MULDER: "A little rat told me."" He hangs up and falls asleep again.

Cue credits, Samantha Clone Chorus Line with solos by CSM and Alexa. 
Finale consists of thousands of sets of Megans and Jennifers vanishing
in puffs of logic to the music of Cole Porter while Fowly consumes 
three baked hams in under thirty seconds.