Date sent: Thu, 20 Nov 97 22:50:34 UT From: "Yvonne Richards" Subject: 1/1 Pt II I WAS LOST TONIGHT - "If I could Freeze Time" by Yvonne J Richards DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the Fox Network. They also belong to Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny, without whom, they would have life, but no soul. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters bear no resemblance to anyone either living or dead. No financial gain is made from this writing. ARCHIVE ANYWHERE except ATXC ON THESE CONDITIONS 1. I REMAIN AS AUTHOR along with my e-mail addy 2. MY DISCLAIMER AND LOGLINE REMAIN WITH THE STORY 3. YOU LET ME KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING IF I COULD FREEZE TIME (1/1) Yvonne J Richards Yvonne-Richards@classic.msn.com Set during Redux II SPOILER FOR SEASON 5 RATING - G CONTENT WARNING - ANGST CLASSIFICATION - V with A and MSR feelings Mulder reads a letter he thought he'd never get chance to write This is a companion piece to "I was Lost Tonight" and "For Time to Begin" but all are standalone pieces. BUT if you do want to read them all they should be read in this order I WAS LOST TONIGHT IF I COULD FREEZE TIME FOR TIME TO BEGIN Thanks, as ever, to Gerry Hill ***************************** S P O I L E R S P A C E ******************************* IF I COULD FREEZE TIME by Yvonne J Richards 21st November 1997 I take the papers from my jacket and begin to read a letter I thought I would never write. Dearest Samantha For the first time, I feel time like a heartbeat. The blood surging through my veins, coursing its way through my weary body. My weary mind. I feel alive for the first time in almost twenty five years, and I feel as dead as if you're letting go of my hand had been a fatal gunshot wound. And not for the first time I feel lost. But tonight I feel especially lost. I don't know who I am. Where I fit in the scheme of things. I don't even know if you and I share the same father. In some measured emotional way I want that more than anything because it affords me a link, a closeness that I have always believed we shared. But in other ways the very thought reviles me. Perhaps you have seen a side of our smoking friend that I have not. I know what evil he has wrought in the name of his own justice. I'm here now with my partner, my friend, praying for a miracle cure to the cancer she was given. Surely to God given by him. I feel so lost and so alone. I looked for you for so many years and my heart constricted with the pain of seeing you again tonight. I never wanted to let go of your hand. You must know that Sam. I came here, to the hospital, to Dana. To feel some kind of semblance in a life that has constantly been tossed on stormy seas but never felt so adrift as tonight. I have learned to bear your loss, knowing deep down in my heart that only in the continuance of my search would I find you. But that you were out there waiting for me. I only chastised myself for not being able to do it quicker. My life, such as it is, revolves around my own obsessions. I have but two. My search for you and my search for the Truth as to why you were taken. Then and only then can I begin the search for myself. I live in an emotional vacuum punctuated by innuendo and fear. Emotionally disabled. Since the day they took you I cannot force myself to choose my own happiness over the unhappiness I have caused you. Knowing that I cannot put right that which I have done wrong. Knowing that, clouds my judgment, stops me loving. I need to love, to be loved. I need to heal Sam. You're the only person who can set me free. Dana will heal me but I'm still a prisoner within myself. Locked up in my own private abyss. Only you have the key to unlock me. To begin to let me live. Tonight I have come to the bedside of my dearest friend. She is dying of cancer and all because of her involvement in my life, in my quest for the truth. She grounds me, holds me fast and steady on my course. I need her like I've needed no other. I give myself to her completely. I kneel before her now, my soul bared for her to see, although she sleeps and I suspect she has already seen it many times before. I'm running out of time. We're running out of time, Dana and I. I need time with her. I need her, but I need you too. I need to see you again Sam. I don't know how this letter will ever reach you. Perhaps I'll ask if your father will deliver it to you. But I don't expect you'll receive it. I just know that I need to see you. I want Dana to see you. I need some kind of closure on this part of my life, to heal for my own sake as well as for others in my life I've touched. These are just rambling, incoherent thoughts tumbling from a mind, tortured again and again. If I could freeze time --- If I could freeze time I would freeze that night Just before you were taken If I could take back all the hurt I've caused you, I would If I could hold you In my arms again, I would If I could see you again I long to see you The pain is immeasurable The parting inconsolable I waited for you Waited for so many years To see you again To hold you, tell you I love you Tell you I'm sorry If I ever see you again You will know this My sister My other genetic half I hope I'll be strong I hope I can go on I'm lost tonight I have come to my rock For I lost you and found you And then lost you again I pray that you come to me I pray I don't lose my rock For if I do it will be you Who will be looking for me If I could freeze time I would freeze that night I've never openly asked for help in my life, but I'm asking you now, begging you. I beg of you Sam, please come. Release me. Fox *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In my hands I hold a blood spattered photograph of two innocents caught up in an adult world of horror and injustice. And I weep. I weep for them. I weep with them. I weep for the man whose hands this image fell from because he was my link, my only link back to her. And I weep for Scully and her family because her cancer is in remission. And for myself? My world has been torn apart by these men in the name of their justice. They have power enough to control me but now I have my friend and ally by my side again. The letter I wrote to my sister lies in the trash can down the hall, I have no one to deliver it now. Still, I have to find her, I have to know the Truth but I have to know myself. The man who lives within me, the man who Dana tries to help, to heal. Perhaps if I let her in I would find some release? And then again, who would want me? Should I foist an emotionally battered man upon a woman, who although strong enough to cope, has needs of her own? Needs a life of her own. I content myself with my gestures of compassion toward her. Hope that she realizes that she means everything to me. Pray that she'll wait for me. I scan the photograph again, a moment in time, encapsulated, frozen. If I could freeze time. THE END "A beautiful and ineffectual angel, beating in the void his luminous wings in vain." From 'Shelley' by Matthew Arnold Doesn't that just sum up Mulder's quest beautifully? Thank you for reading thus far. Any comments to Yvonne_Richards@classic.msn.com If you enjoyed this and want more, my other stories are archived on Gossamer and this and future stories are also available on XFCreative and XFF. Adrift - Poem A Desperate Search - Poem Believe the Lie 1/1 Bring Him Home 1/1 Butterfly Kisses 1/1 Casting Out Demons 1/3 Do I Have a Choice Mulder? 1/1 For Time to Begin 1/1 Ghosts 1/5 Her Last Gift 1/1 I was Lost Tonight 1/1 If I could Freeze Time 1/1 La rechechre du temps perdu 1/8 (The Remembrance of Things Past) Lean on Me 1/1 Only on My Own 1/1 Silence of the Lamb 1/1 The Long Hard Road 1/1 The Unspoken Truth 1/5 Through Your Eyes 1/5 Twister 1/1 Who'll Stand Up for Me Now? 1/1