Date sent:        Fri, 18 Jul 1997 00:44:37 -0500
From:             jdmiller@ebicom.net
Subject:          If I Ever Lost You [1/1] EMILLER


DISCLAIMER:Fox Mulder and Dana Scully and such belong to
god-help-you-if-you-don't-know.

SPOILERS: End game

RATING:PG

CLASSIFICATION:MSR, maybe a little A

SUMMARY: Samantha's found dead, but Mulder isn't as broken up as he should be.

DEDICATION: To whoever takes the time to read this, and writes me back with
ANY comments or whatever.

archive anywhere!

________________________________________________________________________________

 Mulder braked the car as hard as he could, praying it wasn't her. He jerked
the keys out ans stumbled down the incline to where her body... where THE
body had been found. There were a couple of policemen and paramedics
standing around, and they gestured him over. 
 "It her?" One officer asked, nodding towards the make-shift stretcher where
the body lay after being pulled from the icy creek water. 
 For some reason, he didn't feel the overwhelming sadness he'd prepeared
himself for. "It's her," He said, astonished at how unfeeling his voice
sounded even to his own ears. It had been so long..."It's her," He repeated.
He wasn't sure how he knew, but it was as if something inside was telling
him the same thing he'd told the men. 
 "Victim," A paramedic told an officer, who wrote what he said down. "32
year old female. Name: Samantha Mulder."

 "Scully, they found my sister," Mulder told his partner as he arrived at
the office, a little later than usual, the following morning.
 "I heard," Scully replied, then said, "We don't really have a case right
now. If you feel like you should spend some time with your mother or just
need to be alone, I'll be fine by myself for a few days."
 He didn't know how to answer. How could he tell her that he didn't CARE for
some reason. It was as if he knew, somewhere deep inside, that there was
something more important now than Sam, but he couldn't seem to find what it
was. 
 "Mulder? Are you alright?" She asked after a moment when he didn't say
anything. 
 "Yeah, maybe you're right. I should spend some time alone..." Without
waiting for her reply, he walked quickly out of the small basement office. 

 The phone awakened him at about 8 P.M. He hadn't even realized he'd fallen
asleep... "Mulder," He said groggily, not caring whether he was at work or not. 
 It didn't matter. "Mulder, it's me." Scully. He should have guessed she
would call because she was worried. It had been 3 days and he hadn't talked
to her since. He'd just stared at the wall and thought. He still couldn't
figure this "I don't care" thing out and it was driving him crazy. 
 "What is it, Scully? New X-File?" He asked, hoping to sound at least
partially normal. 
 "No...I just wanted to talk, since there's not much happening in the FBI
without you there to tick everybody off." He managed a laugh, but could tell
by her next comment that she knew it was faked. "Are you okay after all
that's just happened?"
 He wanted to say he was fine, or even to lie and say that finally finding
Sam and having her dead was getting to him. But not only was Scully his
partner, she was his friend, and he couldn't lie to her. "Uh, I'm just
really tired," He said, and that was true. He'd never felt so exhausted in
his life. 
 "Well, okay... go to sleep, or aomething, and I'll talk to you tomorrow."
He could hear her sigh befoe hanging up. Was she really THAT worried?.. He
curled up on his sofa and was asleep again in seconds. 

 Scully stared at nothing, wondering if things would eer be the same again.
Mulder no longer had any reason to be working in the X-Files, since
Samantha's cause of death was suicide, and they would probably never know
where she had been all those years. And if he wasn't working there, why
should she?
 Don't even think about that, Dana, she told herself. She couldn't imagine
not working with Mulder. Even when they'd been seperated, right before her
disappearance/ abduction, they'd worked together more closely than many
agents liked. 
 She knew there were rumors going around about her and the X-Files. That she
was sleeping with Mulder. That she and Mulder were married, secretly. That
she was sleeping with SKINNER to keep the X-Files open...
 Of course, none of it was true, and she had learned to ignore the sneers
from others just as her partner had. It was tough, sometimes, being disliked
by so many, but it seemed to be part of her job. And she still considered
herself a damn good agent. 
 But what if the pressure, now that he had no reason to fight back, got too
great for Mulder? What is he talked Skinner into closing the X-Files, or,
worse, comitted suicide as his sister had done? Working without Mulder MIGHT
be okay, but LIFE without him? Without his jokes and bravery no matter what,
and most of all, his caring in that friendly way only he had?
 I'm going to talk to him right now, she decided firmly. Slipping on her
shoes and grabbing her coat, she set off.

 Mulder thought he was going to scream when he heard the knock. He had been
having the most wonderful dream, only he couldn't remember it. So, angry and
unfortunately wide awake, he answered the door. 
 "I don't want any," He informed whoever stood there before slamming the
door, then quickly reopening it when he realized who he had seen. "Scully!
I'm sorry, I was just so tired, and you woke me up..." He apologized. 
 She laughed, to his relief. "Don't worry, I've had worse reactions," She
admitted. "I just came over to say 'hi'  and make sure you were okay."
 "I told you I'm fine," He said, using one of her favorite lines and drawing
a small smile out of her. "Come on in. I need somebody to talk to, and I
guess you'll do."
 She glared, but he could tell she wasn't angry. "Glad to know I'm needed,"
She muttered, but followed him back into the apartment. 
 They sat in silence for a moment on his sofa. When he finally spoke, she
jumped. "Scully, I've got a, uh... I guess it's a confession, to make."
 She glanced warily at him, as though slightly worried about what he was
going to tell her. "What?" She asked, rather suspiciously. 
 He continued before he lost his nerve. She would probably hate him for what
he was going to say, think he was a horrible, unfeeling person. "My sister
died. My sister who I've spent the better part of my life searching for.
SUICIDE, Scully. I woner if, maybe, she didn't want me to find her." She
started to interrupt, but he held up a hand to stop her. "That's not the
confession... Scully- she's dead and I know I'll never get to talk to her
again, but the strange thing is, I'm not really sad. I would expect myself
to be hopelessly broken up over this, but I'm NOT. It's like there's
something now that's more important than her. I'm not sure I WANT there to
be, but there is. And I can't figure out what."
 She was looking at him with geunuine sympathy, not the usual one she
reserved for cases, the "Mulder-that-idea-is-for-the-birds" one, but real
sorrow. And, seeing her like that, he felt a sudden, strange shock.
 SHE was the more important thing. How could he have not seen it before...
or maybe he had, without really acknowledging it, like that time on the
bridge when the bounty hunter had her.
 "I just realized what the more important thing is," He said with a broad
smile. That suspicious look again... then a dawning. Her mouth dropped open
and her eyes widened. "It's you, Dana Katherine Scully."
 She didn't say anything immediately, just put her arms around his neck and
hugged him as hard as she could. he pulled her into his arms and held her,
neither speaking. 
 
 They awoke the next morning that way. Scully was the first to yawn quietly
and open her eyes, but her small, unconscious movements woke him. "Boy,
dream come true," He mumbled, still half asleep. 
 "Maybe," She replied, gently pushing away form him and stretching out some
soreness. Sleeping sitting up wasn't a good idea. 
 He let her stretch, then pulle dher close again as though afraid she'd
disappear. "On a serious not, Dana..." He let his voice trail off, not
knowing quite how to phrase what he wanted to say.
 "What?" She asked, pretending not to notice his discomfort. 
 "Um... oh, forget formalities. Dana, will you marry me?" She looked up at
him, eyes wide and - and this surprised him- full of tears. 
 "Sure," She whispered, forgetting formalities as well.
 "Wow..." He said, and she laughed softly. "And Dana?"
 She didn't say anything, just let smile tell him she was listening. "Dana,
if I ever lost you, I would die. Please promise you'll never do what Sam did."
 Her line of work was danerous, they both knew, but her reply was truthful.
"Promise."