From: Louise Valmoria Date: 27 Oct 1998 10:43:21 GMT Subject: NEW: If I never knew you by Louise Valmoria Hi!!!!! Me again. I'm stuck in a rut with The Lost Children, although I know exactly where it's going, my unfortunate trait of perfectionism has reared its annoyingly perfect head. So here's a little candy piece, I think this is what's called 'Song-fic'. I just found this song on the Pocahontas soundtrack and I thought, that if Mulder and Scully ever got together, this would be a good song for it. This is basically a practise piece for me, something to get my head back into gear, but please tell me if you like it. Rating: G, I guess. This is candy. Means it's sweet. You know? I guess I'm following through on my Disney threat. Summary: Scully's reaction to a song that hits close to home - - to be cont'd? Feedback: valmoria@eisa.net.au (mail's coming through to this one now) or louieval@hotmail.com Spoilers: Emily and Christmas Carol, I guess. Only obvious ones I can think of. Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully aren't mine. Neither is Matthew. So there. They are Chris Carter's and I'm not really doing anything with his characters so he can't sue me even if I could afford it. "If I never knew you" is from the Pocahontas soundtrack and is sung by Jon Secada and Shanice. Could someone tell me how to disclaim a song? This was originally a mushy M&S get-together piece and unfortunately evolved into a thinky piece. As in, me thought too much about it. Oh, goody. . Here goes . . . I sit on the wooden rocking chair, idly moving in time to the music pouring out of the stereo. I am not alone. In my arms, I am holding a precious miracle of life; Matthew, my little nephew. The feeling of holding the young child I know will never compete with holding a child of my own; that place in my heart, my memory, will forever be held by Emily. Matthew has grown very quickly the last few months. No doubt he will be huge when he grows up. I'll bet that he'll be taller than Bill when he grows up. I told Bill that myself, and although my brother scowled at me, I could tell he was looking into the future, and how he would be even more proud of his son if that was the case. For a moment I close my eyes and pretend that that I'm not just baby-sitting Matthew, that he is my son. But the gap in my heart left by the daughter I never really knew still remains. I sigh and open my eyes. Imagining the real thing is too hard. I look around the room. This house, which was the home of our family while I was growing up and now the home in which Matthew will hopefully be raised. There are a lot of memories here, almost perceptible recollections, dreams, hopes and fears almost tangible. Matthew stirs a little and I stop rocking for a moment, worried. Then I look at the TV and I realise why. We've been watching non-stop Disney movies. It's fairly obvious that Matthew would be a Disney fan when he grows up. I don't know if he understands the plot or even the words, but he loves the smooth-scrolling animation and the music. Now that it's over, though, he doesn't like seeing the black screen with the credits. Sighing, I pick him up and carry him with me as we walk to the television. We've been watching 'Pocahontas' - next is probably Hunchback of Notre Dame. We've been trying to watch them according to year of release, though I suppose Matthew is far too young to understand it anyway. I reach for the player and as if on cue, my cell phone rings. Matthew opens his mouth to wail, but the expression changes to surprised annoyance to curiosity I start talking. "Scully." "Hey, Scully, it's me." Mulder. Who else would open a conversation with 'it's me'? "Oh. Hi. What's up?" I ask, trying to juggle the phone and Matthew at the same time. It sounds easy to do, but not while Matthew's trying to grab the phone off me. "Just wanted to see how the baby-sitting's going." I look guiltily at the case files lying forgotten on the coffee table. Oh well. Everyone needs to have a childish phase - watching four straight hours of Disney movies is mine. "I haven't gotten to work on the case yet," I say apologetically. "S'okay." My emotional antennae's gone up - something in his voice sounds strange. "Mulder?" "What?" I make a split second decision. In fact, I think it took a lot less than a split second to decide. "Come over and help me watch Matthew." "Is he giving you *that* much trouble?" he asks incredulously, and I bite my lip to keep from laughing. "No. It's just that we're watching movies. It's a fun experience." "Movies? Fun? No, let me guess," Mulder sighs. "Aladdin." "No, that was last time I took care of Matthew. We just finished watching the Lion King and Pocahontas." "Great, even better," Mulder replies dryly. "Don't start," I say, laughing this time around. "Just drop by. Bill won't be around to bite your head off." "I'll watch my back," he promised, and hung up the phone. I disconnect, smiling myself. I'm actually a little surprised that he would want to drop by and watch Disney movies - I thought that *adult* movies were more his style. I reach for the stop button on the VCR and suddenly pause. "If I never knew you If I never felt this love I would have no inkling of How precious life can be . . ." I look down at Matthew and smile. Thinking of Emily. The face, so much like Missy's face when she was young, smiled back at me. I shook my head, hard. That wasn't fair. Not on Matthew, and not on me. I might always hope and wish for a child myself. But it was never going to happen. Not under *my* control, anyway. "And if I never held you I would never have a clue How at last I'd find in you The missing part of me In this world so full of fear Full of rage and lies I can see the truth so clear In your eyes So dry your eyes . . ." I pull my hand away from the stop button, considering the words. How much this song could describe my life. For a few brief moment's I'd held Emily, and found a part of myself. For a few years, but years that stretched into forever, I had held Mulder, and found my other half. When did this become about *Mulder*? I suddenly wondered. "In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies, I can see the truth so clear in your eyes," I repeat to myself. How true. How so unfortunately true. Well, unfortunate in terms of the sacrifice. But in some aspects . . . I guess it may be worth it in the end. For the truth. Things get worse before they get better. So where will it all hit rock bottom? Probably never, I admit to myself. Mulder and I - we are each other's lighthouses. We will never hit rock bottom and we can stop each other from falling. Except in one aspect - I shake my head, hard, and Matthew makes a small protesting sound. I hold the baby close, breathing in his clean, fresh, talcum-powder smell, and hum. I realise I'm off-key, but he responds anyway, for once not fretting that the credits are rolling and the movie's ended. "And I'm so grateful to you I'd have lived my whole life through Lost forever If I never knew you If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true . . ." Upon reflex, I jab my hand out and press the stop button. I hope I'm not shaking. Matthew is sitting quietly in my arms, although he frowns because I've stopped humming. "Sorry, little Matthew," I say to him, kissing the baby-fine hair above his forehead before returning to the rocking chair. Quite a while later, Mulder arrives. I know he knows that something's up -- he's looking at me with those intense hazel eyes, trying to discern the problem. "Hey, Scully." "Mulder," I acknowledge. He cranes his head and looks at the TV. "The news?" he asks, coming in and sitting on the couch next to the rocking chair. His gaze slides over the abandoned files on the coffee table. "You shouldn't be working," he admonishes. "This is family time." "Uh . . . Mulder . . . that's how I'm spending it." "Oh. I knew that." I press play, and the colourful images of a Disney movie lights up the television screen. "Great," Mulder mutters beneath his breath, but doesn't protest. I look at him, and back at the TV screen. Trying to get the words of that song out of my head. It will be a long time trying. I dunno . . . you can tell I'm suffering from writer's block!!! Please tell me what you think. Write to valmoria@eisa.net.au this time, not louieval@hotmail.com as previously stated with my story The Lost Children. I only did that because the mail server was screwing up. Everything seems to be in good nick now, though. Okei, I'll leave now and try to get back on track with "The Lost Children". BTW does anyone actually *read* that? Cause if you don't, I"ll stop writing it already. Which is kind of a pity . . . the ending is really good . . .