From: Deanna Dilbeck Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2001 14:28:17 -0500 Subject: submission for review Source: direct Title: If It Was Only A Dream Rating: G Spoilers: This Is Not Happening Category: V,MSR Feedback: dilbeck613@aol.com any and all welcome Disclaimer: Mulder, SCully and all the 1013 characters belong to Fox and not me I'm only borrowing them to ease my pain. Notes: I couldn't sleep last night (not that this helped much - as I spent all night looking for SCully of all people in my dreams) until I had got out how last night's episodes had me feeling. Hope it helps you as well. If It Were Only A Dream by Deanna Dilbeck February 25, 2001 Hopeless, that's how I feel. Hopeless and numb. Surely it's just a bad dream, a nightmare that I'll awake from, terrified, heart racing, but assured it's not real. Please, please let it not be real. He can't be gone. If he's gone, then so am I. My hopes, my dreams, are all thrown to the wind. I don't feel anything. I can' t afford too, because to feel is make it all too real. And it can't be real, it can't be... Skinner's holding me, telling me it's going to be all right. I don't believe him. I can't believe him. To believe his words means I have to accept Mulder's death and I can't do that. I want to get up and run. Run and scream to the heavens; plea to the heavens to bring Jeremiah Smith back. He was my only hope. But I can't move, my body is limp and useless, every nerve ending refuses to function. Skinner stands up and lifts me in his arms, carrying me back to the car. I want down. I want to run back to him. I want to hold him in my arms and bring him back to life myself. Surely my strength is enough. I want to touch him and feel him warm against my skin, not cold and lifeless. But I can't, it can never be. Skinner climbs into the car with me still cradled in his arms, as one would a small child. I cling to him, desperation and sorrow so deep that I know I'll never be the same again. I hear him giving orders, his arms never wavering from their embrace. Maybe if I close my eyes it'll all go away. Maybe just a moment of sleep, will change this course, this path that I don't want to travel. I shut my eyes tightly letting unconsciousness claim my misery, hoping to awake to find it was only a dream. the end