From: katchat42@juno.com
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2003 03:20:08 GMT
Subject: No Subject Provided
Source: direct


Title: If Only
Author: Katchat
Rating: G
Category: Vignette/A
Keywords:  MSR, Angst, Angst, Angst
Spoilers:  DeadAlive
Disclaimer:  Need...new....X-Files.....Must....write....story....
Summary:  Scully's thoughts as she visits Mulder's grave.

If Only

If given one more chance, there are so many things I'd tell you.

I'd tell you that you are so important to me.  That you are the sole
other person on this earth who knows me so well that I don't have to
speak to be heard.

I'd tell you that the past eight years, though riddled with pain and
difficulty, have been the best of my life.  That because of you, I can
look back on my memories with fondness.

I'd tell you that I understand you, that I know your heart and have
come to love it completely.

I'd tell you how much I enjoyed our friendship.  How spending time
with you over the years became less to do with work and more to do
with leisure.  How I'd even watch Caddyshack with you again and put
butter on my popcorn if you were here.

I'd tell you that I didn't mind not having a desk as much as you might
have thought.  It gave me an excuse to work closer to you.

I'd tell you that I miss your protection, the warmth of your arms
around me, sheltering me.  I miss seeing the concern in your eyes for
me, that gaze that seemed to penetrate my very being.

I'd tell you that I don't believe any of this, that in my heart I
refuse to accept that you are gone forever.  Though we came so close
to death so often, it became one of those things that it seemed we had
an immunity against, that couldn't touch us.  Maybe that's why I've
continued to keep your presence alive by paying your rent, feeding
your fish, and keeping your phone number on my speed dial.

I'd tell you that I'd give anything to have you call me at 3:00 a.m.
on a Saturday.

That I'd do any autopsy you wanted me to.

That I'd let you win any argument.

I'd tell you that I grew to love everything about you, your
stubbornness, your irrationalism, your willingness to believe, your
smile, your scent....

That I've even excepted the stiff necks I always got from just
carrying on a conversation with you.  I'd give anything for one of
those stiff necks now....

I'd tell you that I need you.  Really, truly need you.  You are my one
weakness.

I'd tell you that I'm carrying a child.

That I think it is yours.

I'd tell you that nothing seems to hold meaning anymore, not work, not
family, not friendships.  Everything is empty since I laid you to rest
in this cold ground.

Maybe most of all, I'd tell you that I believe.  That I know and
understand the things you insisted were true all those years.  I
believe without question now.

I'd hold you in my arms, I'd tangle my fingers in yours, I'd kiss you.

I'd tell you that I love you.  In every way imaginable.

If only you were here.