From:             mrsmulder@iname.com
Date sent:        Fri, 13 Jun 97 06:53:03 PDT



This story contains spoilers from Gethsemane. If you don't
like that, you best back out now.


Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully aren't mine. CC would never let
them do this, which is why we have fanfic! :) THey are the
property of FOX Television. No money is being made, I am
just using them to have a little fun! :)

Title: If Only in Dreams
Author: Anne Aleanne
e-mail: mrsmulder@iname.com
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Gethsemane
Category: SRA
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance
Summary: Scully writes a letter to Mulder and receives
         an unlikely visitor.
Feedback: I am begging shamelessly for it.



If Only in Dreams


Dana Scully sat in her apartment. She was bereft, grief and
guilt her only companions this night. The one person with
whom she might have been able to share her soul was the one
for whom she mourned.

Mulder. Dead. By his own hand. She had begun to write down
thoughts out of grief, having them turn into a letter. One
its intended recipient would never read.



   Dearest Mulder,


   I do feel guilt. Guilt that goes beyond any that I have
   ever experienced in my life. The words I spoke to you haunt
   me still.

     "They gave me this disease to make you believe."

   Maybe not the exact words I had used, but the meaning
   was the same. In one sentence I had laid my illness
   at your feet, much like spittle spat as a curse,
   putting the responsibility on you. Placing my
   approaching death on your shoulders like a weight.
   At the time it seemed like the only way to make
   you understand that your enemies had gone to
   great links to use your beliefs, your obsessions
   to further their agenda. That they had created you
   and manipulated you to perform in their macabre
   performance for some dark purpose, not caring
   what would happen to you when the truth of their
   deception and treachery was revealed.

   In reality, Mulder, you did not end your
   life, not really. By the time you came to
   that drastic event, you were nothing but an
   empty shell of your former self, pain and
   betrayal your only companion. You couldn't
   even turn to me, your partner, because your
   guilt over my illness had sealed that
   passage to reality for you. I was your anchor
   in reality, as were you for me. I snatched that
   from you like a thief in the night, altering your
   perceived existence to such a degree that your
   only recourse was to end your existence entirely.
   The truth that pains me the most at this moment
   is that my feelings for you, my anchor, my strength,
   have only truly surfaced now, at the hour of your death.
   When what-could-have-beens whirl like a kaleidoscope
   through my mind. I shut my eyes, and I see it, clear
   images of what our lives might have been like.

   Images that were never meant to be. Whether
   it be my death, or yours, fate had decreed a
   different path for Agents Mulder and Scully.
   I say that because that was who we were. Fox and
   Dana did not exist. Only two people who might
   have been, who might have searched for the
   truth, together, pushing their way down the
   path. I wrote to you that I regretted that
   you would have to finish the journey, the path
   to truth we undertook four years ago, alone.
   The truth is that I feel that you have felt
   alone on many occasions, making it necessary
   for you to run off on your personal crusades,
   either for fear of my stopping you or fear of
   my getting hurt. Now you, Mulder, have
   embarked on the ultimate journey, once again without
   me, even though I am sure to follow soon, chasing
   after you ready to chastise. And understand me,
   Mulder, I will scold you for leaving me here, even
   if I understand your actions. You ditched me again,
   leaving me to deal with the aftermath of your absence.
   Perhaps things haven't changed that much after all.

   The Catholic in me cries for you, knowing
   what the church teaches about those who defy God's
   laws and are arrogant enough to alter God's plan
   for them by taking their own lives. In my heart,
   though, I know that you, Fox Mulder
   suffered enough in this life for ten men, and no
   benevolent God would punish you further.
   I cry for you, Mulder. My heart is an open wound,
   bleeding, as I, only now, realize just what
   I have lost. I would give the world to have more
   time, to be able to take back the words I spoke
   in haste to you. The last words you heard

   me speak in this lifetime. I think now about
   Melissa Ephesian, about reincarnation, that
   souls return to live their lives
   together life after life in a cosmic cycle.
   Souls remaining together throughout eternity,
   linked by a mystical bond.

   This is my solace now, Mulder, for if true,
   I know that we are destined to be together again.
   The bond we shared was mystical in its strength, its
   character, and if possible, I know it will draw our
   souls together once more. Either in death, or rebirth.
   Past mistakes can be rectified, things left
   unsaid can be told. At this moment I want to
   believe more than anything that that you and I
   will be reunited.

   It matters not what Melissa Ephesian said about
   the mating of souls, about love returning as love.
   I know now what is in my heart that I tried so to
   conceal from you and myself. I know that you,
   my true love, my 'soulmate', died today.

   If there exists a bond stronger than ours, if there is
   a soul somewhere I might feel more strongly for, I cannot
   imagine it. You, Fox Mulder completed me in a way I
   never thought possible. The believer to my skeptic. You
   were my antithesis in every way, and our bond goes beyond
   all logic and reason. In this one instance, I became
   a believer, Mulder. I believed in you. And now, only
   after fate has cruelly taken you out of my reach, do
   I believe in love. I love you, my heart, and not even
   death will take it from me. The release I feel from
   writing the words will comfort me in the time I have
   left. I am only sorry that you will never read them.

Scully put down her pen, the exhaustion of bearing her soul
finally weighing her down. Her eyes were sore and tired from
her tears. She got tired very easily these days, another
side effect of her illness, she supposed. She got up
and got ready for bed, leaving the letter sitting on her desk.



~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@


Scully felt something tugging at her in her sleep, pulling
her back into the land of reality. The dream about Mulder
was one she didn't want to leave, and she came back to
conscious thought reluctantly. As she opened her eyes, she
concluded that the dream had not ended at all, because as
her sleepy eyes focused, they rested on Mulder's face
leaning over her.

"Mulder? Is that really you, or is my mind playing tricks
on me?" she said sleepily. She was sure she was still dreaming.

He laughed softly. "I would like to think I am not a trick
played by someone's mind...I wouldn't think anyone would
be *that* crazy."

"How can you be here?" she asked, still certain this was
a dream. "I saw your body, Mulder, no matter how much I
might want to believe that you are alive."

"The body you saw was not mine Scully. It was a clone, devised
by some...allies of ours, yours. They know so much about
the truth, Scully. While they won't tell me everything about
it, they knew that my death would open up doors that had
been shut to me in the past. I couldn't tell you...I didn't want
to put you in the position of knowingly lying when they
called you to ID the body. I went through hell knowing
you thought I was dead, but *they* had to believe I was
dead. Your grief was the only way to convince them."

Mulder sat down on the bed next to Scully as she sat up.
Her hopes soared as she took in her words. Maybe this
wasn't a dream...maybe...

"Then why are you here now, Mulder?"

"I couldn't take it any longer. I kept imagining you
sitting here, blaming yourself for everything, and I
had to tell you." Mulder said desperately,

"I...don't know what to say, Mulder. I have never been
happier to see anyone in my life!" She leaned towards
him and threw her arms around his neck. She hugged him
tightly, which he returned in kind. They held each other
for a moment, until a thought dawned on Scully, and she
broke the embrace. A sudden feeling of rage welled up
inside her.

"I can't believe you did that to me, Mulder! You should have
trusted me! We are partners, for God's sake! how can we
function if we can't trust each other? I was mourning for
you! I had to ID your body and it was all I could do not to
collapse on the floor beside you cold corpse and cry
until every last drop was spent and heave until my
stomach was empty. You have no idea what that
did to me!" Her voice had gotten louder with word she spoke,
ending in a fierce shout. When the verba; assault ended,
she broke into tears. Mulder reached for her again, pulling
her against his chest.

"I am so sorry, honey, we didn't think there was any other
way. There is so much at risk here, Scully. Not just the
truth about Samantha, but about your cancer as well.
They think they can cure you, Scully. There are a few things
that need to be done first, and that is what why I had to
'die'. They need to think that they are invincible, that
there isn't anyone who can touch them anymore."

"A cure? Really?" Scully asked incredulously.


"Yes, sweetheart, a cure. Can you believe it?"
he answered.

Scully laughed softly, amused by the pet names that
seemed to come so naturally to him all of the sudden.
Not that she didn't like it, but it was not
characteristic of Mulder to say them, even in her dreams.

"Sweetheart, Mulder? What is going on?" She asked, giving
him the eyebrow.

Mulder looked a but sheepish at her question. When he looked
at her, she felt a jolt of electricity run through her
body. His gaze was intense, and knowing. She noticed for the
first time that he had been crying.

"I...I read your letter, Scully. I wasn't looking for
it, it was just lying there on the table. I read everything
you wrote tonight. I know."

Scully's heart fell and her breath seemed to leave her. He knew.
She remembered her words. Her declarations of love. She
blushed crimson at the thought of him reading those words.
Mulder noticed and came to attention.

"Don't ever be embarrassed about how you feel, Scully. Like
you said, we should trust one another, with everything, no
matter what it is. I should have been honest long ago."
He held her face in his hands, caressing her cheek with
his thumb.

<Please don't let this be a dream>
The impact of his words hit her. "You mean...you..."

"Yes, I do. I always have, Scully. Through everything. Like
you, I couldn't identify it, yet it was there. I have
been so afraid of drawing you into my abyss because I loved
you too much to put you through it. I came here tonight
with no intentions of showing myself to you. I waited until
your light went out so that I could come up and see if
you were okay. It was just lying there, and I saw my name
at the top...it was beautiful, Scully."
Mulder whispered as he played with a lock of her hair.

<Dreams can be so cruel> Scully thought. His touch
felt so real, so vivid.

"Scully, if this is a dream, I am having the same
dream." Mulder said suddenly. pulling her face up
to gaze at his.

Startled by his ability to read her thoughts, she looked
deep into his eyes and was lost by what she saw there.
A look and feeling more intense than anything she had
ever experienced in her life was in his gaze. Her
breath caught and her heart began to race, and she
was afraid it might burst with the feeling that
coursed through her body. A sudden heat diffused
through her as well, making her blush at its origins.

Mulder gave her an understanding smile looking
at her red face, seeming to guess the source of
her discomfort and embarrassment. He ran a finger
down her cheek and under her chin, causing her
to turn into his hand and close her eyes with
a shudder, placing a small kiss in the palm
of his hand.

Scully heard his intake of breath, and felt his thigh
muscles clench under where her hand was resting. She
heard a low hum come from somewhere inside him as
he moved to pull her close against him. Here,
she could feel his heart beat in time to her own,
and looking into his eyes she saw them change to
a look she recognized only from stolen glances through
the corner of her eye when he was looking at her
but did not think she noticed. It was looking into
these eyes that she realized that his thoughts were
her thoughts, his feelings were his feelings,
his soul was her soul.

Scully decided at that moment that she would get the
most out of this moment, whether she wake up to harsh
reality in the morning, or in his arms. She had
to have this time with Mulder. She had to have him,
at least once. She mentally prepared herself for
the words she began to speak as she opened her
eyes to face him.

"Mulder, I don't care whether this is a dream, or a reality
where this happens once, or forever. All I know for sure
is that I want you. Love me, Mulder." The last was
whispered fiercely, like a soft command.

He looked in her eyes, and seeming to find the sincerity
and need he sought, pulled her roughly against him, so
that she was standing up on her knees on the bed. Grasping
her hair at the back of her neck, he pulled her up to his face,
where he crushed her mouth against his. Scully reveled at
the feeling of his lips moving on hers. The taste of
salty sunflower seeds mingled with the taste that
she could only identify as Mulder as her swept his tongue
inside her mouth to claim her in a searing kiss.

The heat inside her intensified as he continued his
assault on her mouth, and she boldly returned his
kiss, nipping and biting at his tongue and lower
lip. He emitted a deep growl that caused a flood

of wetness in the already-damp area between her legs.
Pulling away from him, she saw his passion-glazed
eyes.

"Mulder, I want you NOW. I have needed you for so
long. I want to feel you inside me, alive and throbbing.
I want to feel alive and strong and healthy...
I want to forget death and embrace life. Make me forget,
Mulder."

Mulder took her mouth into another passionate kiss
as he pushed her down onto the bed. The feel of his
body pushing her down into the mattress caused a
moan deep in her throat. <I could never get enough
of this feeling> she thought. She thrust up against
him as his mouth slanted over hers again and again.
He raised up on his elbows then and looked down at
her, breathing heavily.

"Scully, we need to stop if we are going to...if
you aren't sure. I need to know."

Touched by his concern, she took his face in her hands, and
looked him right in the eye, unashamed.
"Mulder...make love to me."

At her words he reached down and pulled his shirt over
his head, tossing it on the floor. He then began the task
of unbuttoning her pajamas very slowly. With each button,
he tasted the skin exposed as he moved down her body.
She felt his mouth on her skin exposing a trail of fire,
causing her to whimper his name.

"Say it again, Scully." Mulder said urgently.
"You don't know what it does to me to
hear you say my name like that."

Scully sighed as he continued his ministrations.
 "Oh, Mulder, I love you so much."

He tensed at her words, and suddenly ripped her pajama
top open, popping off the remaining buttons. She felt
a surge of intense desire course through her, and she
reached up and grabbed hold of his sweat pants, yanking
them down as far as she could reach. Mulder stood up
to remove them the rest of the way, then, seeing
her eyes hungrily sweeping over him, slowly and
deliberately removed his boxers. She
took in his body and the evidence of his desire
greedily, openly leering. She was amazed at her
boldness. Even if this *was* a dream, she had never
acted this brazen before. With Mulder, she was
different; bolder, more open than she had ever been
before. She reached down to slide her panties down
her legs, when Mulder stopped her.

"Let me." he said softly.

Mulder reached to lower them while she lifted her
lower body to give him better access. His hands
moving so close to her heat nearly drove Scully mad.

He ran his fingers down her face, her neck, and then down
her abdomen. He stopped, and stared at her completely exposed
body, causing a rush of bashfulness to go through her.
She started to pull her nightgown up around her when
Mulder stopped her.

"Don't hide from me, Scully, not ever again. From now
on, we are open and honest, okay? You are beautiful...
let me look at you." He gently tugged her arms down,
holding them at her side. Insecurity swept through her
at his intense gaze. She didn't want to disappoint
him.

"You are more beautiful than I could ever have imagined,
Scully." He said as he dipped his head to taste the
skin just above her breast. She sighed as he worked
his way down and began licking and kissing his way around
her left nipple, before finally taking in his mouth.
She moaned as electricity shot through her,
and pushed his head down onto her, willing
willing him to continue his assault.

Mulder laughed as he tasted her. "I don't know how
anyone ever thought you were an Ice Queen, Scully.
I never did. I always knew you would be this way..."

Hearing him say that increased her desire, made her
*feel* desirable, and she reached down and pulled his
head up to hers in searing kiss. Scully was out
of control, and her hands began roam wildly over
his back and shoulders as her mouth moved frantically
over his.

Mulder broke their connection suddenly, breathing
heavily. "Scully, SLOW DOWN! We have all the time
in the world!" He smiled mischievously, and then
began to kiss his way down her body again, passing
her breasts by as he kissed his way down her
abdomen and lower still. Scully sucked in her breath
in anticipation of where Mulder was heading.

Mulder paused as he reached her center, letting his
hot breath spread over her. Scully thought she would
die with the need to feel his mouth on her.

"Mulder, PLEASE!" She cried as she arched up into
his face, forcing contact the wanted contact.
His tongue found its way to her center, causing Scully
to jerk with pleasure. Mulder laved her with his tongue,
finding the swollen nub and taking it between his lips.

"Oh God, Mulder! Don't stop!" She gasped as a wave of
sensation ran through her. She was so close, and she
was terrified that he would stop, and terrified that
he wouldn't. All coherent thought was leaving her
brain as Mulder continued suckling on her, until she
could feel the pressure building to the point of
no return. Sensing her readiness, Mulder pushed one
finger, then two, inside her. Scully bucked against his
hand and face and shouted out her release, shaking
violently from the impact of her orgasm.

Scully slowly came to her senses, aware that Mulder was
staring at her. Feeling self-conscious, she
spoke up. "What, Mulder? What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I love to watch you come, Scully, and I am going to
watch you again." He said with a wicked grin
as he moved towards her again.

"I don't think I can again, Mulder, you just about killed me
that time!" She said with a tired laugh, but the predatory
look in his eyes caused the faint stirring to return inside
her despite her words. She loved him so much.

He reached up to take her mouth in a kiss, and grabbed the back
of her head, pulling her roughly against him. He kissed her with
a savage fury, causing her desire to return full force.

"*NOW*, Mulder, I want you NOW." She demanded into his mouth.
Not breaking their kiss for a moment, he re-positioned her,
pulling her legs around him, then rammed into her. Scully
gasped as she felt him fill her to the core. Mulder paused
for a moment, letting her get used to the feel of him,
and then he began pumping into her like a man possessed.

"YES, Mulder, FASTER, HARDER!" Scully managed to say. Her
last coherent thought was that she could almost
die happily now having made love to this man. He increased
the pace, and Scully matched it, digging her hands into his
back until she heard his grunt of pain. She could feel herself
approaching the abyss, when Mulder reached down between
them and goaded her into leaping into it. Wave after wave
washed through her as the second orgasm rocked through
her body. She heard Mulder shout and felt him empty
into her, his face contorted in a beautiful mixture
of near-pain and ecstasy. They rode out the waves together,
clinging to each other until the intensity subsided.

"Mulder, I can't believe this just happened. I can't
believe it is real, after grieving so much for you." Scully
finally said when she found her voice.

"Does it *feel* real, Scully?" Mulder asked as he looked
into her eyes.

"Yes," Scully smiled, "it most certainly does."

"If it feels real, then it is." He reassured her.
"Let's get some sleep. You wore me out, and I
want you well-rested for tomorrow, if you know
what I mean."

Scully got his meaning from the wicked gleam in
his eye. She cuddled up to him to get comfortable,
amazed at their perfect fit. They lay there in
each other arms, exhausted and sated,
and finally succumbed to sleep.



~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@



Scully awoke to a bright beam of sunlight shining
into her face. She lazily stretched without
opening her eyes, enjoying the satiated feeling
that her body had. A feeling she had not had in
a long, long time. She rolled over, throwing
her arm over to Mulder's side of the bed to
wake him up. She sat upright in bed when she
realized that it was empty. The bed covers
were mussed up on both sides of the bed, and her
pillows were scattered about. There was no other
evidence that what she remembered last night
actually happened. She got out of bed, frantic,
unwilling to believe that what she had
experienced last night was some tawdry wet
dream.

"Mulder! Mulder, where are you? Please, Mulder,
NO!!!"

Silence was her only answer.

She cried out as she collapsed on to the living
room floor in a fit of tears. It hadn't happened.
It had all been a dream. Mulder was dead.
Sobs racked through her body as she grieved
all over again for her best friend.

Her lover.

If only in her dreams.

She finally stood up as her tears subsided
and walked over to her desk,
where her letter to Mulder lay. She picked up
her pen and began to write.

     You came to me last night, Mulder, and our
     union was beautiful beyond any words that I
     could use to express it. Maybe writing down
     the words my heart longed to tell you
     brought your spirit into my dreams
     to comfort me, to ease the pain of your
     death. Maybe my subconscious conjured
     your likeness up to ease my mind.
     I must say that the effects have been quite
     the opposite, my love. I feel that I now
     know what it is that I am missing in this
     life, and I find that the discovery only
     amplifies my anguish at your death. Do not
     worry, Mulder, I will persevere, holding
     the memory of the dream we shared close to
     my heart. A lover in dreams is no less a
     lover, Mulder, and I will hold our
     dream dear.


Scully put the pen down. Emotionally, she was drained
and decided to try and get some more sleep. She padded
into the bedroom, noticing for the first time
that her nightgown was hanging rather loosely
around the bottom. Looking at it, she realized
that she was missing a some buttons from her
nightgown. Looking down on the floor, she found them,
scattered around her bed. Scully froze as images
and sounds from the erotic dream came back to her in a
whirl. The sound of an impatient Mulder ripping
open her nightgown. The sound of buttons scattering
on the hard wood floor. Was it all an elaborate
dream of wishful thoughts that she partially enacted
in her sleep?

Or maybe, *just* maybe...




The End


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