From: Natalie Parsons Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 14:01:02 -0800 (PST) Subject: Story submission Category: UST, MSR Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and Walter Skinner all belong to Chris Carter, FOX Broadcasting Company, and 1013 Productions. I don't own any of them, although...never mind... The song "Now and Forever" belongs to Carole King, and is used without permission, also. I am not making any money from this story, and don't care to. Archive: Anywhere, as long as my name and e-mail address stay attached to it. Author's note: This is my second attempt at fanfiction. Since I began reading fanfiction, I have always wanted to do a song fiction. I have been listening to the "deeper" meaning of all kinds of sings, and I believe that "Now and Forever" fits perfectly into the "M/S Relationship" thing. I love this song, and I hope that you will, too. Feedback: Please. At the_end_1121@yahoo.com Let the fanfiction begin! ~~~~~~~~~~~~*******~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "If Only To Say I Love You" By: The_End Dana Scully sat in the quiet solitude of her apartment. She hated these nights. Alone, lonely, feeling more than ever that gaping void in her life that seemed destined never to be filled. The wool blanket she was wrapped in was warm, but the chilling feeling of being alone, and not wanting to be alone, could penetrate the thickest of blankets. Wet, stinging tears slipped down her cheeks as she tried to remember the last time she hadn't felt lonely. Two years ago. She cringed at the memory. Two years ago this day, her life had been taken away from her. The only life she had ever felt safe in. Her memory took her back, to the solemn face of her partner, his strong arms around her as he bid her his final farewell. The tears came harder as she remembered watching him walk away, down the terminal, to the plane that would take him from her life. She still didn't understand it. He had just walked out of her life, not telling her where he was going. He had said something about her not being safe with him, that she had been through too much already. She had argued with him, telling him it was only he who she was safe with, but he wouldn't listen. He had stepped onto that plane, and never looked back. Scully sobbed as she held the last thing he had ever given to her-a snow globe. He had given it to her for Christmas the year he left. It had a solid wooden base, and the globe held a castle-the most beautiful castle Scully had ever seen. There was a perfect amount of snow, and when she shook it, the castle was bathed in a shower of white snow and glitter. She cherished that gift. It rested on her night stand when she put it down, which was rarely. That snow globe triggered so many memories in Scully's brain. So many memories that hurt so much. The most painful memory of all was the last one-when he left. How could he leave her? He was her best friend, and he had just left. She hated him for it. Scully walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil. She knew that the truth was she didn't hate Mulder. She never could. She loved him with all her heart. She had realized that the minute he walked out of her life. How she had been so stupid as to never realize it before was beyond her. She supposed what they said was true. Love was blind. Scully sat in a kitchen chair, stroking the snow globe and wondering if Mulder had loved her. She came to the same conclusion she had come to every night for the past two years. Of course not. How could he? He had walked out of her life and never turned back. That was definitely not love. Scully gazed across the table. She longed to have Mulder sitting across from her at the table, keeping her company on these nights as he often used to. 'Snap out of it Dana' she thought as she looked at the empty seat across from her. 'He's not coming back.' The whistling of the kettle snapped her out of her reverie. She mixed a mug of tea for herself and shuffled back into the living room. She laid the snow globe on the coffee table. She then picked up the CD player remote and flicked the radio on. She settled onto the couch, trying to think of anything else but Mulder. "Now we have a wonderful old tune by Carole King," the disk jockie announced. "Here's "Now and Forever." A soft intro filled the room, and then Carole King's clear, haunting voice followed: "Now and Forever, you are a part of me, and the memory cuts like a knife. Didn't we find the ecstasy? Didn't we share the daylight? When you walked into my life." As Scully listened to the words, fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. It was as if this song was written for her and Mulder, at this time. She pulled the blanket tighter around her and slid down on the couch. "Now and Forever, I'll remember all the promises still unbroken. And think about all the words between us, that never needed to be spoken." Scully laughed scornfully at the truth of the words. So many promises she and Mulder had made to each other, each one fulfilled. All the looks, meaningful glances, saying more than a thousand words ever could. They didn't need spoken words. It was as if they were on the same wavelength, and a glance would say what the other was thinking. "We had a moment, just one moment. That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime." Scully's body shook with sobs. She wished she could have just one moment back, so that she could tell Mulder she loved him. Her memories of him would last for more than a thousand lifetimes, and it made her heart ache. "We are the lucky ones. Some people never get to do, all we got to do. Now and Forever, I will always think of you." A soft instrumental period played as Scully laid in utter amazement. She could not believe this song. It had to have been written for her. This song described her every thought, every feeling. Everything she and Mulder had been through, even the weirdest, most tiresome times, had been worth it. Worth it because she was with Mulder. Even when she was ready to tear her hair out because of the out there explanations he had, she realized she was lucky. No matter how bad the memories hurt, she was lucky to have shared those moments with the greatest man she had ever met. "Didn't we come together? Didn't we live together? Didn't we cry together?" Dana's thoughts filed through all the times her and Mulder had been together through hard times. Her father's death, his father's death, her sister's death, his mother's stroke, their own personal problems. "Didn't we play together? Didn't we love together? And together we lit up our world." She thought of all the bizarre and funny cases they had been through. A smile came through her tears as she remembered the look on Mulder's face when he burst in on her and Eddie Van Blundht, who had been disguised as Mulder, and he had realized that she was about to kiss him, or another form of him. Was it jealousy? No, it couldn't have been. "I miss the times, I miss the laughter. I miss the day we met and all that followed after......" Scully shut off the radio. She couldn't take it anymore. This song was making her remember more than she wanted to. Every cell in her body was remembering every day that she had spent with Mulder, missing it. From the day that she had walked into that dark, basement office and been greeted with "No one down here but the FBI's most unwanted", and every day after that. She wanted all of it back, and the knowing that she would never have it again was too much to handle. She curled up on the couch to sleep, but the song played over and over in her head. "You are a part of me.....and the memory cuts like a knife...... all the promises still unbroken.....we are the lucky ones...." Scully's thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock at the door. "Dana?" a voice called. 'Now who could that be, at this time of night?' Scully thought. "I must be hearing things." A louder knock, and a louder call. "Dana? Are you home?" This time Scully knew she wasn't imagining it. There was someone at her door. She stood up and walked to the door. "Ohmygod, Mulder!" She gasped as she looked through the peephole. She couldn't believe her eyes. She threw open the door and flung herself into the outstretched arms of the man who had filled her thoughts every moment of the last two years. "Mulder? Is it really you?" She choked out through great, racking sobs. Her arms were tight around his waist, her head jammed against his chest. He crushed her to him, his arms lifting her off the floor. "Yes, it's me," he said softly, his voice full of emotion. He set Scully down and just held her close, resting his head on top of hers. They stood there for a few minutes like that, neither one saying a word. "Mulder, I can't believe you're back. After all this time, I-I..." Scully's voice trailed off into tears. "Shh...it's all right. I'm back." Mulder whispered, his voice soothing her shaking body. He walked her back into her apartment, with his arms still around her. Neither would let go. They didn't want to. "I've missed you so much, Mulder. You wouldn't believe how much. I've thought of you every moment since you left me...." Mulder released Scully from his strong hold, putting his hands on her shoulders and looking into her eyes. "I'm sorry I left you, Dana," Mulder said. "You wouldn't believe how sorry." "Why did you leave, Mulder?" Scully asked, searching his eyes. "That's not important now," Mulder answered. Scully just looked into his eyes, not bothering to press for an answer. She just knew that he was back, and that was all that mattered. Mulder put his arms around her again and she sank into the embrace. She really couldn't believe he was there, after two years. Two years of missing him, of loving him, of wanting him back. Now he was there. "Mulder?" she said. "Yes?" he answered. "I-I love you. I know I should have told you that a very long time ago, but I didn't realize it until you had boarded the plane. Every night since then I've wished that I had realized so that I could have told you and you wouldn't have left," Scully's voice was thick with tears. She felt Mulder smile into her hair. "I love you, too, Scully," he replied. "I have ever since the day you walked into my office with that snide smile and those quick remarks. It was so hard for me to leave you, I need you to realize that. It was so hard..." His arms loosened and he brought his hands to her face, tilting it upward so her could look at her. Her blue eyes glistened with tears, her mouth curled upward in a smile. He loved looking at her face. That was one of the things he had missed most. Nothing in the world was so beautiful as her face. "You are so beautiful," he told her. "God, how I've missed you." His lips fell upon hers with a kind of reverance, almost as if he was asking permission to kiss her. She accepted his lips with a hunger brought on from two years of absence. She kissed him passionately, but he slowed her down, savoring the feeling of her soft, full velvet lips on his. He didn't want to rush it. Eight years he had waited for this kiss, and he wanted it to last. Keeping his arms around her, he walked her to the couch, sitting her down on it and kneeling between her legs. This brought him to her height, making it easier for the kiss to continue. Scully's hands had tangled themselves in his hair, his arms were tight around her small waste. Their lips caressed each other softly, their tongues exploring each other's mouths. Both felt as if they were in heaven. Finally, Mulder broke the kiss, and laid his forehead against hers. "I love you," he whispered again. "I love you, too." Scully looked into his eyes. "Mulder, make love to me." Mulder looked deep into her eyes and saw the want there. Love, want, need, passion; all danced her eyes and were so plain to see. He shook his head. "I can't, Scully," he said, his head dropping. "I can't do that." Scully's eyes filled with hurt, and she withdrew her hands from around his neck. "Why not?" "I can't Scully. I'm sorry. I just can't." "Please Mulder, I want it so much. I've loved you for two years and this is the first I've seen of you. I need you Mulder. Please, make love to me." Her hands cupped his face, her eyes searching his as she spoke. "You don't understand, Scully," Mulder said, his voice full of hurt. "You don't understand. I'm only here for tonight. I have to leave again tomorrow. I have to leave, and this time I may not be able to come back to you." "You-you...have to leave?" She asked, as if she hadn't heard him. "Why?" "I just have to," he said. "Please don't ask me why. I don't want to leave, please know that. I _have_ to." "I-I don't care if you have to leave..." Scully's voice was unsure. "I want you to make love to me, Mulder. I need you to." The urgency in Scully's voice was too much for Mulder to handle. "Are you sure, Scully?" Mulder asked, needing to know that she definitely wanted this. "Mulder, look at me." Scully put her hands on his face and looked straight into his eyes. "I want you to make love to me." She brushed her lips softly against his, and then took his hand. Together they walked slowly to her bedroom. ~~~~~~~~~~~*******~~~~~~~~~~~ The next morning, Mulder awoke to find himself alone in a strange bed. When his thoughts cleared, he realized that he was in Scully's apartment, in her bed. Mulder rolled over and sighed. Last night had been so wonderful. He hated to leave again, but he had to. Scully was not safe with him. The men who were after him-they would kill her without thinking. He couldn't let that happen to the woman that he loved. The woman that he loved. Mulder smiled. For seven years he had kept that fact a secret, and now she knew it. It felt so wonderful to have that feeling out in the open, and to know that it was returned. It registered in his mind again that he was alone. 'Where is Scully?' he thought. He climbed out of bed and searched for his clothes. When he was fully dressed, he walked into the living room. "Scully?" he called. "In here, Mulder," her voice called from the kitchen. He entered the kitchen to find her sitting at the table, fully dressed, staring into the snowglobe that he had given her. "G'morning," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her softly on the mouth. "Morning," she whispered back, returning the kiss and smiling. "Thank you." "For what?" "Last night," she sighed. "Last night was so beautiful." Her eyes teared up. "Scully, honey, don't cry, please," Mulder said, kneeling next to her and putting an arm around her shoulders. "I'm going to have a hard enough time leaving as it is. Please, don't cry." "You won't have a hard time leaving, Mulder. I'm coming with you," Scully stated, looking away from him. Mulder paused for a second, going over the words she had spoken in his head. "Scully, honey, you can't," Mulder said. "Yes, I can," Scully looked back to his face. "I love you Mulder, I need to be with you. I can't live through what I've been going through for the last two years again. Not after what's happened." "Scully," Mulder said, clearly agitated. He stood up and walked into the living room. "You don't understand. You cannot come with me. I won't allow it." Scully followed him into the living room, carrying the snowglobe. "Why not?" she almost shouted. "Don't you want me with you?" "Scully, honey, of course I want you with me! There's nothing in the world I want more. I love you so much, and I won't be able to bear being apart from you. But you don't understand. You can't come with me." "No, I don't understand," Scully yelled, tears coming to her eyes. "You say you love me, and that you don't want to be apart from me, yet you won't take me with you. You're damn right I don't understand!" "Scully," Mulder said, his voice getting louder. "You don't know what will happen if you come with me. There are men. They are looking for me. They want to kill me. If you're with me, they'll kill you, too. I can't let that happen!" "I DON'T CARE!" Scully screamed, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. "I love you. Nothing else matters. Let me come with you. I don't care about the men. I only want to be with you!" "Scully, there's a chance that if I go alone, I can end this. No one has to die. If you're with me, I might get sloppy and then you or I, or maybe even both of us could die. I don't want that to happen!" "Please, please Mulder," Scully sobbed. Her voice broke. "Just let me come with you. I can't stay here alone." "Scully, you can't," Mulder said gently, walking towards the door. He saw a suitcase there, obviously one she had packed that morning, intending to go with him. "You can't come with me." "Mulder!" Scully screamed. "Please!" "No, you can't," Mulder said, his head hung. "I'm going alone." "GET OUT!" Scully screamed, her fists clenched at her sides. Her tears made her voice sound foggy. "JUST GET OUT! I HATE YOU! I REGRET EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE NOW! I HATE YOU!" "Scully, please understand," Mulder pleaded, tears in his eyes. "I can't let you come with me. I love you too much." "GET OUT!" Scully screamed. He looked at her, his cheeks wet with tears. "NOW!" Mulder opened the door. Stepping outside, he turned and looked back at Scully. "LEAVE!" Scully picked up the snowglobe and hurled it at the door. It smashed against the doorframe, sending pieces of wood and flass flying everywhere. Mulder turned and walked down the hall, his head hung, sadness clouding his heart. "FUCK YOU MULDER!" Scully screamed as he waited for the elevator. "FUCK YOU!" The door to her apartment slammed shut, and he crumpled against the wall. His pain was unbearable. The elevator arrived and he stepped onto it, leaving the one life he knew forever. ~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~ Inside her apartment, Scully's back hit the door and he fell to the ground, her agony taking over. She drew her knees up to her chest and her head dropped. The tears came harder and faster then they ever had before. She would never get over this. Eventually, the tears subsided. She couldn't cry any longer. Scully let her knees fall to the side, and rested her head back against the door. She spotted the broken snowglobe. All that was left of her most prized possession was a battered wooden base and a tilted castle. The glass was jagged and sharp, the water was a dark spot in the carpet. Tears came to her eyes again. How she wished she hadn't done this. She picked up the broken treasure and walked into her room. Resting it on the nightstand, she lid down on the bed. The sheets were still tangled from her and Mulder. The thought of what had just happend finally sunk in. And she was so sorry. So very sorry. She curled into a ball on the edge of the bed and sobbed herself to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~~~~ About four hours later, Scully was awakened by a knock at the door. She didn't get up to answer it. Her energy was gone. She couldn't get up. She didn't want to. "Scully?" A voice called from the other side of the door. "Scully? Please, answer the door." When Scully realized that is was Mulder, she got up and walked to the door. "Go away, Mulder," she shouted through the door. "Go away." "Scully, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left. Please, just let me in." "No. Go away, Mulder." Scully turned and rested her back against the door. "Just go away." "Scully, listen to me. I realize that I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed. I got to the highway and realized that there was no way I could walk out of this life again. No matter what was going to happen. I needed to be with you." Scully shook her head and slumped forward. "I don't care Mulder, just go away." "Scully, I know that isn't true. I know you love me. I love you. Please, open the door." Scully's eyes filled with tears. She wanted to let him in, but she was afraid of losing him again. "Mulder, I can't. I don't want to lose you again." "You're not going to lose me again, Scully. Never. I'm here for good. I promise." The line from the song came back to her. "All the promises still unbroken...." Would he break this promise? She didn't want to find out. "Scully, I am going to stand outside this door until you let me in. I mean it." Scully smiled. The tears in her eyes turned to tears of happiness. She opened the door and stood there, looking at Mulder. "I promise I won't leave again," Mulder said. 'I know," she replied. She put her arms around his waist. "I love you." "I love you, too," he said. He lifted her into his arms and brought her back into the apartment. "We'll fight them together, like we used to do." He kissed her, to seal the promise that he had made. ~~~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~~~ Six months later, Mulder and Scully sat in her apartment, staring at a Christmas Tree. They were wrapped in each others arms, enjoying the evening. Suddenly, Mulder stood up. "I have one more present for you," he said, walking into the bedroom. "Another one?" She questioned. She smiled at everything he had given her. So many presents. She looked to her finger at the best one of all. An engagement ring. She laughed out loud. Her life was once again complete. "Here," he said, handing her a beautifully wrapped box. "What is it?" she asked. "Open it and find out." Scully lifted the top off of the box and smoothed aside the tissue paper. Tears filled her eyes and she smiled at the gift. A snowglobe. The exact one he had given her three Christmases ago. The one she had broken. "It's the same one. From the same store and everything. I felt so sorry for making you break it," Mulder said softly. Scully looked at him and smiled. "Thank you," she said. It was so beautiful, and it meant so much. "I love you." "I love you, too," he said. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. "Mulder?" Scully said. "Yes?" "I want to ask you something. Why did you come back? I mean, the first time. Why did you come back if you knew you had to leave again?" "I had to, Scully," he said, looking into her eyes. "Even though I had to leave you again. I had to come back, if only to say I Love You." ~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~ Hope you liked it!